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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Realize I don't want to be married any more

174 replies

butterballs9 · 17/09/2013 16:18

That's it really. My children are nearly grown up. I've become more interested in my appearance and look good for my age with a well toned body (that sounds boastful but it's true and the result of much hard work). I get on perfectly well with my husband but I realize I am interested in other men. I just don't find him that sexually attractive any more. I feel mean saying that but it's true. He's a good guy and and a great Dad so I feel very selfish admitting that I wish I was free.

Anyone else out there in the same boat? I have felt like this for years but never done anything about it (apart from the odd flirtations when out with friends). Outsiders looking in on our marriage would think it was perfect - we don't argue, we get on , we have shared interests and so on. In other words he is a great companion.

But the spark is no longer there and now that the children are older the shared parenting role is far less important than it was.

I have gone through all the options in my mind for years. Divorce is such a hassle and so expensive. I don't think I could handle the stress of an affair and I would feel too guilty. I suppose I could try to get my husband to agree to an open marriage but - why would he want to? He is not interested in other women (the irony of this given that a lot of my friends' husbands are!!)

I'm really interested in hearing from others who are experiencing or have experienced a similar thing. I have had a bit of counselling and maybe that would be an option - but I know that I would be telling the counselor what I am saying here - except that seems quite cruel. Compared to some of the horror stories on here, my problem does not really seem like a problem at all. Except that it is - to me.

OP posts:
Sweetsweep · 17/09/2013 19:39

Hi op. We meet again!

Several things. I am at much the same stage of life as you. But am probably a bit older.

I have a couple of points.

The main one is that you missed out on much of the dating scene.And now you want it. I have seen this happen before and it does not always end well.

I think you need to see if
a. you can spruce up your husband in some way
b. tell him a bit of what you are thinking
c. see if he will come out with you

All controversial for some, and flameworthy for some.

Sweetsweep · 17/09/2013 19:44

Agreed though that you need the spark back. With your husband.

ithaka · 17/09/2013 19:55

Jan45, 12 years is nothing in the endless icelandic saga that is marriage.

I have been with my DH for over 20 and at times there has been a distinct lack of spark, for a number of reasons, mainly to do with life & loss.

Currently we are all over each other - I think the peri menopause must have given me a rush of lust. Who knows what the future holds?

If you want my advice, work on your marriage & reassess in a few years - don't be to quick to discard a good relationship.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2013 19:58

My old nan used to say that "bored people are boring"

I think she had a point

stopthebusiwanttogetoff · 17/09/2013 20:56

I am currently separating from my dh, with whom I shared a happy seventeen years and have two dc. I can relate in see ways to what you are saying, and I love being alone! I haven't met or looked for anyone else, and I really don't intend to. We met when I was 18, and I just want to get to hang out and live with the kids and myself, without the forced companionship of my dh. It isn't fair to him or me to just plod along with him happy and content but wondering what he is doing wrong, to make me unhappy. H isn't making me unhappy, I like him a lot, I just want to be alone. People find this hard to believe, and maybe I am naive, but it's been a year of on/off, and I thnk it's time to follow my gut instinct and stick to off. If he moves on, fair enough, maybe I will sob that I let a good man go, and be heartbroken. But if we stay together the resentment and discontent will grow ugly and acrimonious, and that I think that would make me sob a lot more. Good luck OP.

Diagonally · 17/09/2013 20:58

"Divorce is such a hassle and so expensive"

Actually, divorce is a very straightforward process and if you can agree finances without using solicitors then it's not a particularly expensive process either.

OP, I think you are straying into "cake and eat it" territory.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to end your marriage. But you can't do that without accepting that there are consequences.

If you are unwilling to accept those consequences then you have to stay in your committed relationship.

cerealqueen · 17/09/2013 21:05

Are you actually unhappy OP? Do you still love your husband?

What if you don't find what you are looking for?

Would you be happier seeing your DH dating other woman and giving them the attention he used to give you?

Karbea · 17/09/2013 21:18

Also bear in mind that very few people totally get over divorce even if they were the ones to instigate it. The hassle and cost are minor in comparison.

Definitely sort out your marriage before starting another relationship.

herald · 17/09/2013 21:20

What you are thinking sounds to me what was going on in the head of my soon to be ex dw , don't blame your husband for the lack of spark in your life it takes two to make a relationship work, if the op was a man saying the same things then he would be ripped to pieces.

The grass isn't always greener if you want multiple sexual partners then you are going to get a reputation and that comes with a long line of people looking to take advantage of you.

But if you do decide to cast yourself out there then do it when you have
Rated with your other half don't do it behind his back, it's not a nice feeling

Herald

Offred · 17/09/2013 21:27

Jeez, I didn't read she was blaming her h so much as expressing that she is unhappy and there is no spark between them as far as she is concerned.

"Get a reputation" jeez, heaven forbid a woman be interested in sex, especially one of a certain age...

Whilst I think yes it is fine to ask if she has her eye on a particular person, I think there is a lot of unrealistic expectations and unnecessary judging going on. She isn't having an affair she is trying to do right by her husband who she says she cares for but doesn't love, not sure what people expect her to do? Doesn't seem like she can do anything right here except put up and shut up about a relationship she feels unsatisfied in...

LillianGish · 17/09/2013 21:30

Herald makes an excellent point though - just re-read OP imagining it was a man writing about his wife - he wouldn't get out of here alive!

AnyFucker · 17/09/2013 21:31

No, she has options. No one has to put up and shut up about anything

She should end her marriage.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2013 21:32

This is true, LG and why I am saying the same thing I would say to her that I would to a bloke

Offred · 17/09/2013 21:35

If it was a man posting on MN you'd have to question his motives for posting on mumsnet about it. I doubt I'd give different advice though and I'm not convinced he'd get different advice either really.

I think she should leave her dh too tbh.

Offred · 17/09/2013 21:36

This op doesn't appear to be getting out of here alive.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2013 21:47

Oh, give over, Offy.

People are asking difficult questions is all. If she doesn't come back to answer them, the gaps will get filled in. It always happens when an OP posts and runs. You know that.

Offred · 17/09/2013 23:10

Difficult questions one thing some of the other posts quite another to me!

AnyFucker · 17/09/2013 23:22

If the answers were not illuminating, they wouldn't be difficult questions.

OP left the building some time ago, and I doubt very much that she/he was frightened off. Seemed a robust type, to me.

DuelingFanjo · 17/09/2013 23:27

Just leave him. You will be happier. He will get over it. Why Stay in a loveless marriage. Surely a consellor would tell you the same.

I'd as the same thing to a man asking the same question.

DuelingFanjo · 17/09/2013 23:30

Honestly. These threads.

Can't help wondering if they are all just here to test' mumsnetters on the boring Yada Yada about how 'if this was a man he'd be ripped to shreds' bollox.

Offred · 17/09/2013 23:30

Yes, like I say it ain't the difficult questions. I've appreciated when people have asked difficult questions of me in this situation, although different ones.

It is the posts about what women do, some that sound like they are encouraging staying with an unsatisfactory partner because you are married and the crap about getting a reputation I'm finding distasteful. Particularly because the op never responded to that question and then a lot of posters proceeded to berate her as though she has had her head turned anyway.

Offred · 17/09/2013 23:31

And it is because none of it matters really.

She is unhappy.

They should split up.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2013 23:33

Wellll, each and every individual is responsible for every post they make

Including the OP. Like DF is saying though, looks like we got our hats nailed on again.

arsenaltilidie · 18/09/2013 01:02

Aside from the weird posts about 'reputation', no one has encouraged the OP to stay in an 'unhappy' marriage.

Most posts are saying to the OP the grass isn't always greener, at least actually work on the spark by appreciating the qualities he has.

Offred · 18/09/2013 06:21

Is that not encouraging her to stay then? Sounds like it! Also sounds like she tried that already...

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