Realize I don't want to be married any more

[butterballs9]

That's it really. My children are nearly grown up. I've become more interested in my appearance and look good for my age with a well toned body (that sounds boastful but it's true and the result of much hard work). I get on perfectly well with my husband but I realize I am interested in other men. I just don't find him that sexually attractive any more. I feel mean saying that but it's true. He's a good guy and and a great Dad so I feel very selfish admitting that I wish I was free.

Anyone else out there in the same boat? I have felt like this for years but never done anything about it (apart from the odd flirtations when out with friends). Outsiders looking in on our marriage would think it was perfect - we don't argue, we get on , we have shared interests and so on. In other words he is a great companion.

But the spark is no longer there and now that the children are older the shared parenting role is far less important than it was.

I have gone through all the options in my mind for years. Divorce is such a hassle and so expensive. I don't think I could handle the stress of an affair and I would feel too guilty. I suppose I could try to get my husband to agree to an open marriage but - why would he want to? He is not interested in other women (the irony of this given that a lot of my friends' husbands are!!)

I'm really interested in hearing from others who are experiencing or have experienced a similar thing. I have had a bit of counselling and maybe that would be an option - but I know that I would be telling the counselor what I am saying here - except that seems quite cruel. Compared to some of the horror stories on here, my problem does not really seem like a problem at all. Except that it is - to me.

Well said SGB.

Some relationships have a shelf-life. From what you're saying, you picked your husband because you knew he'd be a good father and companion and you put sex and physical chemistry way down in the pecking order of boxes to be ticked. So you've got to the point where he has met those expectations and you've got a functional marriage, but now you want more.

Maybe you've changed or maybe you always knew you were settling. If you had a chaotic childhood with a difficult father, it's possible you chose the polar opposite for your own children?

Have you talked to your husband at all about these feelings? Maybe he's feeling the same, but like you can't be arsed with the hassle of separating? He must know you're not physically attracted to him, so he's probably as bored and wanting more out of life as you.

Why are you mentioning open marriage OP. It's highly unlikely your husband would agree to this unless, by some huge coincidence, he is feeling exactly the same as you are.
It sounds like this is all about finance - you want to split but you are not 100 pc sure if you are willing to experience the drop off in living standards that divorce would likely lead to. Is that the case?

about securing a woman's domestic services for a man. Once the DC are starting their independent

Gosh
Clearly you have your views on marriage.

OP you lost weight and think you can do better than your DH.
It's like a man who makes a bit of money and dumps his wife for someone much much younger.

I think it's a good lesson to teach DC - that a couple-relationship needn't last forever

My XFIL always said that marriage should be a 7 year contract.
Funnily enough, he married and divorced three times (just lived with the one who outlived him)

Actually, he was was just an arse. But he taught his son thoroughly.

People don't have affairs to spice up marriages. They do it bbeause they are shits or because they are scared to upset the comfortabble status quo.

I don't know duelling.

There are lots of reasons people have affairs.

I think it is always wrong and always the cheater's fault and all their responsibility but I do read some posts where it is clear that people have had an affair in order to cope in a marriage that has died.

Obviously the affair then actually ends it very often anyway, and like I say is always a poor choice but it isn't always as cynical, abusive or exploitative as is made out.

I think 'scared to upset the comfortable statusquo' covers that though. It's an uncomfortable thing to upset another reason by forcing change like selling a house, splitting assets, sorting. Is today or just plain telling someone you don't love them anymore.

Of course the reasonable adult thing would be to tell that person you are leaving them and then peruse other relationships but you would the be putting yourself and another person into an uncomfortable life changing position.

I think a lot of people just think they can get away with it and avoid all that hassle of splitting up.

And affairs don't spice up marriages because usually one person in the marriage has no idea an affair is happening. They may spice up one of the couple's sex life.

Actually, my husband is the most amazing person....

But I still stand by what I wrote.....people have affairs because they are bored.....or want excitement....

Yes it's really selfish.....but......

Some people are bored and want excitement, but of course they tend to be the sort of people who get their kicks in life out of other people finding them attractive and fanciable, rather than from more sustainable highs that don't hurt themselves and others. But to pronounce that every affair is down to boredom and a lack of excitement is rather narrow-minded and betrays either a lack of life experience or more typically, projection of that person's own motivations for having affairs in the past or in the future.

Your husband might be amazing, but if so he's unlikely to be stupid. If the chemistry has never been great on your side and you're now bored and looking to spice up your life with other sexual partners, do you think he doesn't know that?

If you don't want to divorce and you don't want an affair, what's stopping you talking to your husband about opening up the marriage on both sides? He might bite your hand off because he's bored rigid himself and likes the idea of meeting someone who fancies him, or he might be braver than you and seek a divorce. Who knows, he might have had affairs himself in the past and decide it's time you knew about them?

But unless you're planning on having an affair and not telling him, nothing's going to happen unless you have a conversation, is it?

IMO it's okay to decide you want a different sexual relationship now. As long as your husband gets that choice given to him too.

IMO a lot of people find themselves in the OPs position, they find that they and their spouses have drifted apart while engaged in bringing up the kids. As the kids start to fly that gulf becomes very obvious and forces a re appraisal of the partner, relationship etc etc. I do think too many then decide the partner is no longer the "right stuff", rather than try to re kindle things first.

Also IMO, MN advice gets very po faced about affairs, but the reality is the number of people I know who have sought divorce before finding someone else is minuscule.

Don't you think those two things are related though lazy?

I'm not sure of the wisdom of trying to rekindle a dead relationship. I'm not sure it is even possible.

The reason people feel that should be the first port of call is because of this presumption that marriage is a lifelong commitment which is also a presumption against leaving which I feel is very counter productive. People should always feel that leaving a relationship is an option.

I reckon there are a lot of people who because of this presumption, rather than strictly a fear of change or a selfish desire to maintain stability, have affairs or slide into affairs when they have reached the end of their tether in a dead marriage simply to be able to actually cope with that very stressful situation.

If the presumption was not that everyone should first try to rekindle I.e. people should not leave, then perhaps relationship breakdowns would be altogether less messy.

Entirely agree with SGB about marriage anyway. It is about securing the use of male owned property for the woman and any children and securing the sexual and domestic services provided by women for men. Marriage itself can ruin otherwise good relationships.

There are books about better communication in marriages. I think they might help some people and marriages.

Better communication can lead to better intimacy.

You say in your OP that you are not sexually attracted to your husband. Do you think that your DH's idea of an open marriage would be one where he never gets to have sex with you again but keeps on living with you? How would that go down?

As your point above suggests DF, what is then the point of the marriage? Apart from finance. Surely that is the issue OP - one of sorting out financial practicalities. This all boils down to a conern about lowering of lifestyle does it not?
Open marriages - admittedly i am guessing but i would bet 90 per cent of the time they end in tears. In fact, make that 95.

From what little I know and have read about open marriages, the men tend to like it and the women dont, Not much of a surprise there!

and this thread is titled 'realise I don't want to be married anymore'

You obviously equate being married with being faithful but you don't want to have sex with your husband, you would rather be doing it with someone else - possibly one or all of the three people you say you have your eye on.

So what you want is an open marriage where your husband says it's ok for you to have sex for other people and presumably ok for him to do the same but with no risk of breaking up the family.

You say "why would he want to? He is not interested in other women"

Looks to me like you are going to have to break his heart and get yourself into a situation where you are free to have lots of no strings attached sex with other people.

Sorry but I think OPs like this often delude themselves that the men they've not been attracted to in a long time (if ever) and who they don't enjoy sex with, are benign and adoring saps with absolutely no urges or temptations of their own. How realistic is that?

Maybe it would be a terrible ego dent to face the more likely truth that the feelings are probably mutual?

Yes but francesca, the OP has been pounding it down the gym. Maybe her partner has really let it go and has a saggy beer belly which he struggles to squeeze into w36 as well as a hideous, middle aged hairy back etc

I've seen more men who look like that have affairs, than the toned Adonises at work. They need the ego boosts more, don't they? One woman's meat is another's poison and all that...

Your husband is amazing and you want to have an open marriage - that smacks of having your cake and eating it. If he is as amazing as you say he'll probably snapped up in a trice. Is that what worries you? You don't sound like someone who is leaving to seek the independent life - quite the reverse in fact. I was the poster who inquired about the ages of your children. How do you think they will react? I'm certainly not suggesting you stay together for the sake of the children, but you might find you don't see them for dust if they take your husband's side. In my experience of divorcing friends it is usually the older children who are much less adaptable. Actually the more I read of your posts the more I think you should do the decent thing and let your amazing husband find someone who really appreciates him.

It's partly because of the cultural obsession with monogamy and romantic love and the idea of 'the one' that so many people have affairs as a way of escaping relationships they have outgrown. While people judge and condemn affairs, they also understand the having of an affair far more than they understand someone leaving a dull-but-acceptable (ie no violence/addiction/criminal behaviour) relationship in order to be single.

I think you are underestimating the effect on your children if you left their father.

'Late teenage' is not yet emotionally independent of the family home.

I think they will blame you and that this will have a long-term effect on your relationship with them. He will be the amazing dad who didn't deserve it. What will you be?

Can you live with that?