Realize I don't want to be married any more

[butterballs9]

That's it really. My children are nearly grown up. I've become more interested in my appearance and look good for my age with a well toned body (that sounds boastful but it's true and the result of much hard work). I get on perfectly well with my husband but I realize I am interested in other men. I just don't find him that sexually attractive any more. I feel mean saying that but it's true. He's a good guy and and a great Dad so I feel very selfish admitting that I wish I was free.

Anyone else out there in the same boat? I have felt like this for years but never done anything about it (apart from the odd flirtations when out with friends). Outsiders looking in on our marriage would think it was perfect - we don't argue, we get on , we have shared interests and so on. In other words he is a great companion.

But the spark is no longer there and now that the children are older the shared parenting role is far less important than it was.

I have gone through all the options in my mind for years. Divorce is such a hassle and so expensive. I don't think I could handle the stress of an affair and I would feel too guilty. I suppose I could try to get my husband to agree to an open marriage but - why would he want to? He is not interested in other women (the irony of this given that a lot of my friends' husbands are!!)

I'm really interested in hearing from others who are experiencing or have experienced a similar thing. I have had a bit of counselling and maybe that would be an option - but I know that I would be telling the counselor what I am saying here - except that seems quite cruel. Compared to some of the horror stories on here, my problem does not really seem like a problem at all. Except that it is - to me.

This thread has been quite active, so keeps coming to the top of the list of "I'm on" ....and so I keep thinking about it.

Honestly, OP, we can be very revealing in the way we word things, and your subject line says it all ......you don't want to be married any more !!
Woman-up and be honest with the poor bugger you are married to, rather than giving him a half-baked remnant of a marriage and a wife who really doesn't want to be with him as a partner. He may be the nicest chap on gods earth, but you don't actually want him any more.

Wanting his money, the security he offers and the lifestyle you have, is not am acceptable reason to reduce him to the status of provider not partner.

You don't want to be married any more?
Leave him, with some dignity.

Hmmm - perhaps, LillianGish, I am the amazing person in the marriage!! My husband WANTS to be married to me. Plus I am more of the provider than he is, so financially he would be much worse off without me.

Open marriage is not having your cake and eating it - it's a mutually agreed arrangement. In any case, what people do in their marriages is up to them, not interfering busybodies. If my husband wants an affair or wants to leave, then he can!

"I won't see my children for dust" - God, that's bloody harsh - so I will be 'punished' for wanting to be free. Of course I will see my children, they love me and I love them - whether I am in this marriage or not. Honestly, we are not living in the 1950s.

Of course my husband would get snapped up - great. Why would I want him to be miserable? That's just stupid.

The guilt trip stuff about older children is just that - a guilt trip. They are intelligent and would understand if I explained that I wanted to start a new chapter in my life.

SolidGold - thank god, a sensible voice in the wilderness. Of course people have affairs to 'escape' - escape being quite a good word. Not everyone is necessarily suited to lifelong marital monogamy - just look at these forums, for starters.

Honestly, the tone is sometimes so judgmental. Why not just take what someone is saying at face value? I am a perfectly good, reasonable and kind person who has been in a long term monogamous marriage for more years than I can bear to say and am now considering if this is how I want to spend the rest of my life.

I'm just being honest. As I wrote upthread my husband is a grown up who will do what he wants. And he wants to be married to me, whereas I want more freedom.

So, given the reality of the situation, I don't think the idea of an open marriage is all that unreasonable. If he doesn't like it, he can always leave :)

Not everyone is necessarily suited to lifelong marital monogamy

Of course not. But if you're not, then it's perhaps not the best idea to make a lifelong promise about it that people might expect you to stick to.

So you DO want to be married, but you want to give you and your husband equal opportunity to have sex with others and you're planning to agree that with him?

That's fine then isn't it?

Just to be clear, I have no idea whether your husband is amazing or not - that was the word you used. To describe him! You sound as if you have made your mind up - wonder why you bothered posting in the first place if you don 't want any feedback. Just get on with it and good luck to you - I wish you well, I really do.

Have you any idea how your husband feels about your relationship, he might be as bored as you, if he's financially dependant on you maybe that's what's keeping him there.

Open Marriage to me is exactly having your cake and eating it - greedy - personally I'd never play second best to anyone else, I'd find that the biggest insult a man could bestow on me.

I'm always a bit 'meh' about these threads frothing about how judgemental people are about people's private lives. I think it's often just a projection and a diversionary tactic to stop a person from actually doing something about their unhappiness. So others' disapproval gets invented or exaggerated out of all proportion.

In reality, I don't think outsiders bat an eyelid about a marriage breaking up and no-one actually wants to know about couples' private marital arrangements.

Just get on with it, would be my advice. Apart from your children and your husband, no-one actually cares very much.

every time a man and woman spilt up little baby jesus cries

I dont think this question has been asked, and you may not wish to answer it.
Are you coming up to a significant birthday?

I am finding this thread odd.

You dont want to stay married. Yet you dont really want to get divorced either. You want some fun, with or without your husband.

But life doesnt really work like that does it? It is not so cut and dried as that as peoples' feelings get in the way.

You have already said 'why would he want to' so surely, knowing your husband so much better than a load of busybodies on the Internet that you have asked to give advice, you have some clue about what his response is likely to be? If he's going to want to leave you for suggesting an open marriage then why not just tell him it's over and get on with whatever you want your life to be like?

I was trying to find other people in a similar situation to see what they had done. Seems like there aren't many.

I don't know - I find the latest replies shallow and lacking in any kind of insight - my husband is with me because he chooses to be.

I do want feedback - from other people who are in similar situations.

Hmm - how is anyone supposed to know when they are in their early twenties that a lifetime of monogamy is not necessarily what they want - COME ON - cuillere - how long have you been in a long term relationship, you clearly have very little understanding of the reality of very long term relationships.

No, I am not coming up to a significant birthday.

Oh come on, someone who actually understand the reality of long term relationships with children.....there must be someone out there??

I understand the reality of long-term relationships with children, but I just don't feel the same about my husband as you seem to feel about yours. I fancied my husband like mad when I met him and the sexual chemistry was always there between us - and still is despite 20+ years and 3 children. That was a combination of good luck and an active decision not to 'settle'.

You seem angry with posters whose reality (and marriages) are different to yours. Maybe you just need to accept that not everyone feels the same way as you do?

Posters are not wrong for having a different reality or experience to you, no more than you are wrong for feeling the way you do.

If you're happy with your decision to suggest an open marriage to your husband, I'm confused why you appear to be so angry with respondents to your thread?

Like I said, why not just get on with it and not worry what other people's lives are like?

I have been married for 25 plus years. Losing track quite how many tbh.

I have not been in your position.

I think that you are looking for a magic bullet where none exists?
I can understand that you are hoping to find others that are or were where you are now.

Your children have nearly grown. And may well go all together. So that bit is virtually finished is it not?

I think it is the bit that starts "Divorce is such a hassle" and the next couple of sentence that sounds like your heart is not in it to be unfaithful. And sounds like your friends' husbands are up for a bit of something.

Feel like I am waffling really.

Perhaps it is an adventure you want, but maybe not of the relationship kind?
New job? Travel? - with or not with husband?

oh forget it...who knows what I want...but all I do know is that I don't want anything here.......:) the most narrow minded bunch of people.......
so fucking boring.....sorry but I won't be coming back in a hurry,,,,,

Dont let your flaps hit the door on the way out. i feel sorry for your kids.

No need to say sorry. Do you actually think people care whether someone as rude and insulting comes back?

What is stopping you following your own dream?

You have done your part. Brought up the kids, they will be gone soon. Flown the nest.

Now you have the chance to go for what you want. Or would you prefer to stay in a relationship and look back and say "I should have done that"?!

Life is too short to be miserable and hate the one who is holding you back (i.e. yourself, while blaming another).

You only get one chance to make the life you want for yourself. So go for it.

It's certainly true that the idea of lifetime marriage is simply not workable for the majority of people. Many of those who 'stick it out' are miserable and bored and so are their partners. Some people have long marriages which both started as and remain a partnership of equals which enhances and improves the life of all participants, and good luck to them - though this is more down to luck than moral superiority.
But it's worth remembering that heterosexual marriage started out as an arrangement to benefit men at the expense of women. The construction of marriage was to formalise the concept that men are entitled to own women as breeding animals and domestic servants.
That's about the biggest reason for individual women feeling, once the children have pretty much grown up, that the woman has outgrown the marriage and wants to go and do something else with the rest of her life.
OP, if that's how you feel, it's fine to leave your husband. It's not remotely unreasonable to want to. Just do so as kindly and as fairly as you can - ie divide the assets reasonably and don't read him a list of his faults.

It's certainly true that the idea of lifetime marriage is simply not workable for the majority of people.

Oh come on!

How can you come out with tosh like that and keep a straight face?

You don't know what marriage is like for 'the majority of people' anymore than any of us do.

Some people have long, happy marriages because they made good decisions about who to marry, made active decisions to grow together rather than apart and made damned sure that their marriages were just one aspect of a fulfilled and happy life. You can call making those definite choices 'luck' if it makes you feel any better- but none of it's about people feeling 'morally superior' if they can say with honesty that they are happy in their long marriages. I guess the 'luck' comes in if you manage to stay on the same page as a partner and you remain similar in your ideals, but no happy relationship is 100% down to luck.

I can feel very sad if people aren't happy in their relationships and feel trapped- and sad when people lose relationships because their partners made a different choice later on. But that doesn't mean that everyone in long and happy relationships needs to go around apologising for being content with their lot, or agreeing with the OP that they feel the same as her.

OP - not sure if you're still reading this. I would say that if you really do want to sleep with other men, then tell your husband how you feel. Tell him you don't want to cheat on him but equally you can't imagine staying in your current relationship forever. He might say that he feels the same. He might be heartbroken. He might say: well leave then.

If you want to leave regardless, there is no risk in talking to him. It may be that he ends up being open to the idea of an open marriage.

But I do think you are confusing short term lust with the benefits of what you get out of a long term marriage. However if that is your preferred choice, do it. You will hurt your husband and upset your children and make life difficult for yourself for the rest of your life (think your children's weddings, holidays, christmasses etc) but it doesn't sound as though you put much value in those things anyway.

I agree with sgb.

Much of what she mentions is simply historical fact.

She's not saying people who are happy have to apologise.

She's simply counteracting all the venom that's been targeted at the op, it appears, for simply being unhappy in a 'perfectly functional' marriage with a 'nice guy'.

Fact still remains that the op is unhappy. I don't think marriage should be about sacrifice. Some of the comments on here have been shameful.

Anyway op, there simply is no way round this that doesn't involve talking to your h. Other people's experiences are of limited relevance without speaking to him about how he feels.

oh.

you flounced because you didn't hear what you wanted to? You say that there must be other people in the same position but no one really came forward did they?

In your OP you say:

"I just don't find him that sexually attractive any more"
"I was free"
"the spark is no longer there"
"I don't think I could handle the stress of an affair and I would feel too guilty"
"He is not interested in other women"

It seems pretty obvious to me that people would suggest that you change things by either leaving or by trying to improve and rebuild the spark.

You wanted us all to give you positive stories about having an open marriage to give you the confidence to request one? That didn't happen. What more can any one do to help?