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Original poster

Just need some opinions on whether this is normal?

149 replies

funnymummyspeaks · 17/09/2013 12:33

My DH and I have been together a long time and have two DD's. Our youngest is under 3 and has never been a good sleeper and as a result I am constantly tired (DH is too but refuses to admit it and stays up late every night watching tv). I have also recently returned to working FT which I am also finding exhausting. To cut a long story short, my libido has taken a nose dive ever since DD2 was born and DH likes to moan about this (alot). We probably only ever get down to it once or twice a month at the moment and generally that is when I feel under duress to perform as I hear lots of little digs about how hard this is on him. I have been told (apparently as a joke ) a few times that 'this is why men cheat on their wives, and he regularly accuses me of rejecting him or not fancying him instead of just understanding that I am extremely tired and just want to relax/sleep when I am home from work and the kids are asleep. It has also been known to cause rows when he will be sulky all day without telling me why and then eventually blow up that it is because he has needs and is not 'getting laid' enough! Last night, I was falling asleep on the sofa because I was so exhausted and when we went to bed I was ready to crash out. He decides to start watching a programme and at the same time starts attempting to get things going. I have to admit that because I was so tired, I completely ignored his advances and in actual fact, rather than getting me going, he actually irritated me as I felt it was extremely selfish of him to ignore my tiredness and try to stop me from sleeping in order to satisfy his needs. Anyway, fast forward to this morning when he was in a terrible mood and was snapping at me and generally being unpleasant (he is not a morning person), I told him that he needs to try to be less grumpy in the morning because it is not fair on the rest of the family and once again had it thrown at me: 'if I got laid more I wouldn't be this grumpy'. Writing this all down I realise it doesn't sound very good but, I do love him, find him attractive and he is my best friend as well as husband and I don't want to lose him.... I am simply tired and all this pressure does nothing to help the return of my libido! AIBU or is he? Am I alone in this?

OP posts:
JumpingJackSprat · 17/09/2013 12:37

not normal. he isnt entitled to sex and him acting like a stroppy toddler isnt going to help. if it was my dp then id tell him sex is completely off the cards till he starts supporting you and stops pressurising you. youre not his personal sex toy.

Offred · 17/09/2013 12:39

He is. Entirely.

He is being sexually abusive.

He feels entitled to sex from you. He has no interest in it being a jointly enjoyable experience at all and this is deeply worrying. He seems to want to use you as a blow up doll.

Have you ever read this; www.uic.edu/orgs/cwluherstory/CWLUArchive/vaginalmyth.html

Common for inadequate and sexist men to blame women for being 'frigid'

sonu678 · 17/09/2013 12:45

he is behaving like a spoilt stroppy child. However.

sex is a physical need, in the same way as eating and drinking are. To deny him sex as a poster has suggested is abuse in its own right. you have a myriad of responsibilities, including children who dont sleep and full time work, however this relationship is also a responsibility and part of that is ensuring the other person isnt denied. You are going to have to find some method of ensuring that you fulfill this responsibility as well. Good luck.

tethersend · 17/09/2013 12:46

'if I got laid more I wouldn't be this grumpy'

If he wasn't that grumpy, he might get laid more.

It works both ways- if you had enough sleep and he was nice to you, you may actually feel like having sex with him.

Sex is great when it's with the free consent of both parties, not out of a sense of duty.

tethersend · 17/09/2013 12:47

You won't need luck if you follow sonu's advice.

You'll need a fucking time machine.

CailinDana · 17/09/2013 12:50

Yanbu. Pressuring you for sex is abusive because it puts you in an entirely no-win situation. Either you have sex that you don't want in order to appease him or you suffer nasty consequences. Have you tried to talk to him about it?

Offred · 17/09/2013 12:50

Denying sex is only an abuse when it is a tactic employed by an abuser.

This myth of not wanting sex being abuse is designed to perpetuate sexual abuse of women.

A sexual relationship is about both people and not just one. His attitude is that of a total pig because he is behaving as though he should have sex from her no matter how she feels or how he treats her or how satisfying the sex is for her. Sex can be very relaxing and I think most people want to do it if it is good and satisfying for them.

His attitude to this issue makes me think he is very likely a selfish lover who sees sex as getting his needs serviced which obviously would put anyone off, other life stress or not.

Original poster
funnymummyspeaks · 17/09/2013 12:51

Tethersend, it is funny that you said that as it was my precise response to him this morning!! It does work both ways right? If he was less stroppy and moody with me, I would probably feel more inclined!

OP posts:
Offred · 17/09/2013 12:53

I think you should ask him what he has to offer you rather than banging on about his 'needs' like a baby. What exactly is he offering you?

CailinDana · 17/09/2013 12:53

Yes actually listen to sonu. So many men die every day from lack of sex. It's so sad. How selfish of you to actually want to decide what happens to your own body. Open your legs and do your duty!

Original poster
funnymummyspeaks · 17/09/2013 12:54

I have tried to discuss this with him and show him evidence I have found online to support the fact that women with small children often lose their sex drive during the tough years of sleep deprivation but, he is not interested and see's it as a very black and white situation meaning that in his eyes I am just rejecting him for no good reason Confused!

OP posts:
worldgonecrazy · 17/09/2013 12:54

In a healthy relationship, you would be able to discuss this, and talk about mutually agreeable methods to get you in the mood again.

He is acting like a spoiled brat, sulking because he can't get his end away.

Normal relationships can go through long periods without sex, if the love and respect are there. Due to circumstances we went nearly a year without sex (pregnancy and post birth problems), but DH never once muttered about going elsewhere.

You need to find ways to address the situation like adults. If he won't, and continues grumping, he will just cause resentment and turn you off even more.

I actually don't think your libido is the problem, I think it is his attitude that is sapping any sexual interest you may have.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/09/2013 12:57

"sex is a physical need, in the same way as eating and drinking are"

Er no, no it isn't. If you don't eat or drink you die. If you don't have sex you get frustrated. There's a difference.

I agree that withholding sex can be abuse, however in this case the OP is not withholding it but being too bloody knackered to want it. Again, there's a difference.

BusyCee · 17/09/2013 12:57

Except... He's clearly telling you he has a problem with the status quo. Rather than ignore his desire to love you (and it seems you're still his port of call - he does want you, which is lovely, positive news), can't you work together to find a way you can keep the adult (rather than parent) part of your relationship alive? How about a date night? Getting him to run you a bath once in a while to help you relax before you, ahem, get it on? Sex with the person you love can be good for you too, and you might find it helps you to de-stress and unwind too. Regaining a bit of adult intimacy might help you help each other more, be more sympathetic of each others predicaments and bring a bit of lightness back to the house. Maybe a bit of nookie wouldn't just be for his benefit. You're asking him to compromise something that's important to him (twice a month with an unwilling partner isn't very often or satisfying I would imagine), but maybe you could offer a compromise too? Marriage is a partnership that lasts long after the children are gone, so investing now will be well worth it. Talk to him to find a way to create the right mood for you both once in a while, there must be a way

Offred · 17/09/2013 13:00

Nothing about what the op has said implies to me that her h wants to love her tbh...

Use her as a sex doll because marriage means he is entitled to but not love...

Offred · 17/09/2013 13:01

And yes, sex that you want and enjoy with someone that you love is lovely and relaxing.

I'd be willing to bet, as I have said, that the dc are not the main reason the op's desire has dipped.

LEMisdisappointed · 17/09/2013 13:02

He is being a prick but I can relate as we are often too tired for sex. We are BOTH much happier when we are getting it. You need to have a talk and if he wants more sex HE needs to make the effort as innot watching crap on tv taking time out to make you feel relaxed and help with the dc

Offred · 17/09/2013 13:04

And really sex with an unwilling woman not being particularly satisfying for the man ? And that is the unwilling partner's fault and problem? Fucking hell... Seriously, can you see nothing wrong with that logic?

If he wants to treat his intimate partner as an ever ready fuck hole good luck in finding a woman who will be able to tolerate that!

BusyCee · 17/09/2013 13:06

(And while I'm here, aren't some of you a bit quick to assume he's some sort of patriarchal bullying deviant? He clearly loves and fancies the OP. There'd be plenty of unpleasantness if he said he didn't fancy her anymore and swanned off with someone else. He's saying he DOES want her. Good news, I'd have thought, even if delivered in thoughtless way. Isn't this less about sweeping gender politics and more about the daily, supportive compromises adults make in long-term loving relationships?)

I prepare to be flamed....

Lalunya85 · 17/09/2013 13:07

BusyCee, you make a lot of sense.

He needs to change his strategy, that's obvious. Trying to "bully" you into sex - even if that's not his intention and he may not see it that way - is counterproductive and would put anybody off!

Think about ways to put you in the mood. How about a weekly massage which could turn into something more? That way you can try to relax into enjoying sex with your dh again, and he will learn that by giving you pleasure and respecting your needs he is much more likely to get what he needs, too.

Offred · 17/09/2013 13:08

Based on what does he "clearly love and fancy her"?

That he is pestering for sex, ignoring her needs, ignoring her feelings and punishing her AND the dc when he feels he hasn't got what he is entitled to?

You have a very worrying view of love.

BusyCee · 17/09/2013 13:09

Not my intention to be understood that way Offred - I can't imagine it's satisfying for either of them, so a bit of a pointless waste all round. IMO, and from inky this limited info, they both need to make more of an effort. As the OP herself inferred, it's not black and white...

Offred · 17/09/2013 13:11

What kind of person actively seeks to have sex like this with someone who doesn't want it? Honestly... Big bad sign that.

Offred · 17/09/2013 13:13

Well no busy I'm not letting you get away with that. From what she has posted where does he "clearly love" her?

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