Just need some opinions on whether this is normal?

[funnymummyspeaks]

My DH and I have been together a long time and have two DD's. Our youngest is under 3 and has never been a good sleeper and as a result I am constantly tired (DH is too but refuses to admit it and stays up late every night watching tv). I have also recently returned to working FT which I am also finding exhausting. To cut a long story short, my libido has taken a nose dive ever since DD2 was born and DH likes to moan about this (alot). We probably only ever get down to it once or twice a month at the moment and generally that is when I feel under duress to perform as I hear lots of little digs about how hard this is on him. I have been told (apparently as a joke ) a few times that 'this is why men cheat on their wives, and he regularly accuses me of rejecting him or not fancying him instead of just understanding that I am extremely tired and just want to relax/sleep when I am home from work and the kids are asleep. It has also been known to cause rows when he will be sulky all day without telling me why and then eventually blow up that it is because he has needs and is not 'getting laid' enough! Last night, I was falling asleep on the sofa because I was so exhausted and when we went to bed I was ready to crash out. He decides to start watching a programme and at the same time starts attempting to get things going. I have to admit that because I was so tired, I completely ignored his advances and in actual fact, rather than getting me going, he actually irritated me as I felt it was extremely selfish of him to ignore my tiredness and try to stop me from sleeping in order to satisfy his needs. Anyway, fast forward to this morning when he was in a terrible mood and was snapping at me and generally being unpleasant (he is not a morning person), I told him that he needs to try to be less grumpy in the morning because it is not fair on the rest of the family and once again had it thrown at me: 'if I got laid more I wouldn't be this grumpy'. Writing this all down I realise it doesn't sound very good but, I do love him, find him attractive and he is my best friend as well as husband and I don't want to lose him.... I am simply tired and all this pressure does nothing to help the return of my libido! AIBU or is he? Am I alone in this?

Too many posters to reply to all individually but thank you all for your insight... I don't regularly post on here and have found this experience very helpful in this instance!

LadyInDisguise, your post was particularly helpful and yes, guilt does play a huge part in all of this for me. Thanks for the tips you offered based on your own experience and I will definitely try to follow your advise (DH willing)!

Jan45, you literally made me chuckle with your comment about DH wanting things his own way... Too true!

Wow - thats a really useful post garlic

No, it's not sexual abuse, don't be so bloody ridiculous. She reserves the right to say no, and does so - quite frequently it would seem. If she keeps pushing him away, he's going to keep feeling more and more rejected and make stupid decisions (and jokes).

You've all jumped on the idea of her feeling tired and decided it's all his fault. Instead of offering OP useful advice about sitting down and having some open sexual communication with her partner, including things like 'I'm tired because in the evening I do XYZ and you only do ABC' or 'I want to spend some intimate time with you just snuggled up watching a DVD without feeling pressured to go anywhere with it, to reconnect emotionally' - instead of this, you have all decided that the husband is a lazy, sexually abusing, selfish prick.

This is not useful advice for a marriage and it's not accurate either. Nothing is black and white, and you should think more carefully about giving OP advice that will help her IMPROVE her situation, not help her feel justified and hate her husband a bit more. FFS.

Posters from the 1950s? Garlic, get a bleeding grip. You're so caught up in the gender politics you've forgotten a) that there are two people here, neither happy with the status quo (and one being a prat about expressing himself) and b) that all relationships are about compromise. No one is suggesting that OP just prostrated herself to fulfill her husbands unreasonable desires. Just that they talk as adults to find a mutually agreeable solution.

garlicbaguette: class post.

ouvegotmail: she's not tired, she's exhausted, huge difference.

What youvegotitall said

He should deal with his own needs if he is that desperate and the OP doesn't want to join in - I assume he's got a spare hand?
With the nasty edge desperate bullying removed, he might find himself better able to talk to the OP sensibly without trying to chance his luck every single time.

mrscakes, that is an ok point, and sometimes i prefer to have one off the wrist if im knackered etc, but for me it is about intimacy - he needs to do a lot of changing though!

No she doesn't reserve the right to say no because she is having sex twice a month when she doesn't want to and pretending she does. Because he is pestering and bullying and coercing her into more sex the rest of the time.

If she reserved the right to say no then she wouldn't be forcing herself to have sex she doesn't want.

I'm interested to know what you think sexual abuse within a marriage is? Also interested to know what you think normal sexual relationships are?

Also mail that was an exceptionally woman/victim blaming post. It is not her job to fuss around him or placate him when he is failing completely to consider her and her needs.

Although I am inclined to agree that not putting up with sexual abuse from a man who believes marriage means he is entitled to sex is advice which is not conducive to prolonging that particular marriage. But I don't see that as a bad thing necessarily. If he can't conduct a relationship without being sexually abusive then I think the op would be well rid of him.

Sex with someone who doesn't want it is not about intimacy. He knows she doesn't want it, that is the basis of his complaint FFS. You all need to consider why he wants sex from the op so much if it isn't about orgasm (could do it himself) and isn't about intimacy (no intimacy in this kind of sexual relationship)...

Sexual relationships should not be about compromise, especially not on the issue of consent FFS. Listen to yourselves!

Offered - is your advice to go to the police? What is your normal advice for sexual abuse?

And as pp said, she HAS been compromising and it hasn't worked, it has not stopped him being a sex pest, it has not made her feel more sexual.

From the OP it sounds as though his desire to get his physical needs met is getting in the way of rebuilding an emotional and physical intimacy with his DW.
The problem is that the OP is unlikely to want to initiate a kiss or a cuddle when she is feeling affectionate and loving, if she feels as though her DH is going to interpret it as a prelude to sex even if she doesn't want to go there at that time.
He needs to work with his DW on rebuilding trust and intimacy before working on the sexual side of things IMO.

Only the OP really knows what is going on in her relationship. I think from the posts she's made, and the fact that she says one post in particular really resonated with her, there is a definite element of power and control in her relationship, and she's not the one wielding it. I suspect that she has tried to explain to her DH that being left to do more than her fair share of housework and childcare duties while also being shouted at and grumped at is not particularly conducive to wanting sex.

It's always worth trying to negotiate a win-win situation in any long-term relationship before giving up on it, but giving in and having more sex is not a win-win situation. It is win-lose for her. A win-win situation would be the DH doing more around the house, stopping making threats about having affairs, and generally treating his wife better so that she wants to have more sex. If he's reasonable he would want to do that because failure to do so would be a lose-lose result (she ends up filing for divorce). However, it is only possible to negotiate a win-win solution with someone who is reasonable and doesn't have a sense of entitlement. Grumping over sex does not bode well for that. If my DP went off sex with me, it would be a huge turn off for me, because strangely enough seeing him turned on is part of the fun. If he was consistently turned off I would be wanting to know why and trying to fix that, not having a strop about it.

Sexual abuse within marriage isn't a crime unfortunately treen unless it is one of the sexual offences.

Doesn't mean it is ok or should be tolerated.

Various options from confronting it and seeing how deep the misogyny runs to LTB.

I don't advocate lie back and think of England in any situation coercion or not because nothing is more likely to totally destroy any intimacy in the relationship than that.

funnymummy, how often does your husband get up to see to the kids in the night?

Offred - I thought you were insinuating a crime when talking about consent. so what would you advise?

Don't be such a troublemaker... Again, treen...

A poster who offered the advice to a poster worrying about being sexually rejected "have you put on weight?"

Misogynist of the highest order, reckon you'll be quite invested in maintaining subjugation of women on any thread.

My advice was given at the very start. Confront him about his unacceptable behaviour and ask him to consider what he has to offer her.

Also, if he cannot conduct a relationship without being sexually abusive, run for the hills.

I'll say it again, sex twice a month with a child under 3 and another toddler is pretty good going, no?????? To be harassed and threatened like this is just not what a decent man who cares about his wife and her exhaustion does so all those who are supporting him are seriously deluded on what is a good relationship, married or not!

Offred - that's good advice. Sit and talk about it.

I don't know when asking a question was advise. It's just you were constantly analysing in your post and not helping or advising the OP. I didn't want the thread hijacked.

Libido taking a nosedive when you're tired and/or stressed is quite normal. It's even more normal when your partner is being an immature arsehole because, well, that's just not a turn on, is it.

Tell him that, if he doesn't want to behave like a civilised grown up, he should go have a good wank. Given the nasty digs that he makes, his needs are clearly that he needs to orgasm, by whatever means possible, in order to "function", rather than that he needs sex as a shared experience with you.

sonu - no one ever died from lack of sex.

I take it you didn't actually bother to read my posts then.

Unfortunately on threads like these, because this kind of abuse of women is depressingly common, there are often lots of posts encouraging women to 'compromise' meaning have sex they don't want, and understand how difficult it must be for a man to not have sex with a woman very frequently because that is just how men are and us women have to put up with it if we want to keep them from straying...

That's where the analysing comes in and the anger tbh. Those posts need challenging and those posters need to be made to explain the logic behind their 'advice' IMHO.

Offred - I see. It can just be tricky when talking about 'free will' and consent in a specific scenario. I think the OP does have free will. Maybe her reasons behind why she is going through with it are wrong. e.g. Duty.

I think it fundamentally it needs a frank discussion with each other.