Just found DH registered on dating website & overusing porn - help!

[Needtoseelight]

Have just got back from trip and read history file on computer - yes was suspicious already something wrong but nothing like this.

Porn overuse in relationship problem for long time and always makes me angry and sad.

When I try and talk to him about it he just says he has a problem but that I shouldn't be hurt because it's nothing to do with me.

We've been married 3 years, have 20 month old and I'm 5 months pregnant. I want to leave him and feel so trapped.

Advice, thoughts???

The porn thing obv isn't ideal, but the thing that would worry me is the dating website registration.

Did he admit registering on the dating site ?

I haven't given him the opportunity to deny it. I sent him an email with the the history file attached and an offer for him to explain it to me.

have you posted before - this seems to have been done.

what are your options

thrown computer away

go to councelling

leave said twatmonkey

i would go for A. accidentally break the computer.

Then I wouldn't be able to get on mumsnet! Anyway, he has a wireless lap top too - haven't even checked that one.

Would anyone give him a chance to explain or do you think it's an indication he might have cheated?

Also, I've not posted before. This is just one of those things I can't talk to my friends about - they all know him and they're his friends too. I can't put them in the middle, don't feel it's fair.

I have to go see to DS and do house stuff, funny how life goes on when there's little ones no matter how crap you feel. Anyone stumbling on this thread please give thoughts - I'm at my limit and need some outside opinions. Will be back in a bit. Thanks.

I agree with NdeP that the porn discovery is less worrying than registering at a dating site.

Looking is one thing but he seems to be taking it a step further. Give him time to explain himself, but imo i can't see any excuse that would make sense to me.

I'm sorry to hear this and i hope you sort things out

NTSL

If he has told you he has a problem is he actually going to do anything about his internet porn addiction?. He should have counselling for this. He is being very unfair saying that you should not be hurt because its nothing to do with you.

Will he and or you go to Relate as a starting point?.

Good you found out now though and not 6 months down the track when he might have met up with other women even. If he's signed up for a dating service, he obvously wants to take things further, at least he's looking into it. I would be very hurt and angry about that, even without the porn story.

I'm really sorry. Must be so hard to find something like this when you're pregnant. Difficult time to leave your dh too. What do you feel would be best for you now ?

Hi S&S, so sorry to hear you're dealing with it all too. My (D?)H has been doing it while I've been in the next room playing with our son which has really made me worried. I have no idea what to do, at the moment I just feel so hurt and angry - I just want to leave but don't feel I can. I only work part time as I gave up my job to look after our son. There's no way I could afford rent or get a mortgage on my own at the moment. I don't know whether he'd go to counselling, I think I'm going to ask him to come.

I don't know where you're up to in terms of emotions but I'm just so tired now. I don't feel I have the energy to fight anymore, it's like the fire's gone out and there's nothing left worth fighting for. It's just the children now. I wish I'd got out when there was just the one to think about, I think I could have managed somehow but now there's LO too...

Am I unusual to be against porn? I was brought up a christian (he's not) but generally pretty liberal I think. Made views perfectly clear before married and he said he understood and respected my views.

Does anyone have experience of using a marriage counsellor? I don't know what to expect, do you go alone first and then together or both together from the start?

I don't know about the birth yet. I've been having scares of going into labour prematurely and riht now, I'd go in on my own.

I sometimes wonder whether he gets an extra kick out of knowing I could catch him any moment. He's been home a few hours now and hasn't said anything about the dating site. I at least expected a weak explanation, some indication he was willing to try and save us. But, like you, it's the fact DS could catch him and learn that it's normal behaviour. I don't know what I'll teach him when he's a teenager yet but I certainly don't want it to be ok because daddy does it!

S&S do you you find yourself wondering how you could have made such a huge mistake? I caught myself wishing I didn't have kids today - I feel awful about it but if they weren't around I could just walk. I do love them dearly though and wouldn't really be without them. Also, how would I take away their opportunity of having a dad?

SO upset right now, sorry. It feels surreal - like it's a piece out of someone else's life. or a soap. Just never thought this could happen to me IYSWIM.

Hole in the head might be preferable, at least you can see to fix it!

Doesn't seem to ever see like a good enough reason to leave though - 'just' being hurt. Would almost be easier if he'd cheated, then it would be clear cut wouldn't it?

I had a BF when I was a teenager who verbally abused me and made me feel crap and small. I sometimes look back and think this is worse, it's silent, insidious, and he's always got an excuse or explanation. Out of the frying pan eh?

It makes it worse that it's the only thing too. Apart from this he's a good dad, does hisown ironing, helps with the house keeping etc. We (I think obviously) have a crap sex life though funnilty enough it used to be me at the beginning who wanted more, it's never like I said 'no I don't feel like it' or 'i've got a headache' or anything along those lines. We talk about work and kids but never have those heart to hearts anymore. I wonder is this just a relationship that's come to a natural end but complicated by rings and kids?

Going round in circles again... Sorry for going on, and do appreciate a friendly 'voice'.