Just found DH registered on dating website & overusing porn - help!

[Needtoseelight]

Have just got back from trip and read history file on computer - yes was suspicious already something wrong but nothing like this.

Porn overuse in relationship problem for long time and always makes me angry and sad.

When I try and talk to him about it he just says he has a problem but that I shouldn't be hurt because it's nothing to do with me.

We've been married 3 years, have 20 month old and I'm 5 months pregnant. I want to leave him and feel so trapped.

Advice, thoughts???

Not by people who know me! LOL

Good luck! And stay strong in yourself - you deserve for him to take you seriously and sort this out so that you can both concentrate on being happy and together when your new baby girl comes along

Let me know how it goes - I'm having a night 'off' tonight. Feeling completely emotionally exhausted so will probably glue myself to ebay and babycentre for the evening!

hello there

I've had a swift read of your message. I guess you might not really be looking for advice anymore. Not sure. In case you are I'd say that having children and being married shouldn't make you feel as though you have to 'settle' for a situation. You say if he was you BF that things might be different...? Well all I know is that there's one life you have and you have the responsibility for your own happiness and have every right to it. Your DH had a duty to demonstrate that he will change his behaviour if it upsets you and you don't want it in your life. If he won't or chooses not to change then you need to ask yourself if the situation as it is is right for you. Your heart knows the answer - look into it. Hugs and support MM

Hi again,
sorry to dissapear for a few days. i've been reading this thread and thinking about you all LOADS, but didn't want to spend too much time on it, as DH was around and like i said in my 1st post, i just can't quite bring myself to use this as a springboard to a big discussion about how his not using porn is going...
cowardly me. i guess i should sieze the bull by the horns, but i also think (like you have been doing NTSL and S&S), 'why should I have to bring this up/monitor it/supervise it?' we're married so it is my responsibility in a way, but i also sometimes think, 'this is not my problem'.

one thing that makes me think that DH is behaving better is that previously the history on the browser would always be deleted, but now it isn't. TBH the thing that i think really scared him was that the last time he was found out (maybe 10 months ago now), he was playing with our very small DD and i was using the computer. i found some pics in the computer wastebasket and said, 'you forgot to delete some of your porn' and he just went so quiet and held DD so tight. i think he thought i was going to leave then and there and take DD with me.

like i said, since then, things have been better and at the moment we are TTC.
i think we will never be free of this. a councellor we saw in the UK said that DH will never be 'normal' in relationship to porn again, it's like alcoholics, you are always a 'recovering alcoholic', even if you haven't drunk for 15years.

anyway, i have no answers, but i've drawn a lot of strength from reading this thread and seeing that other people have these problems too.

Hugs to you all

Don't be sorry for disappearing h23 - I think it's natural not to want a confrontation if you can avoid it. Sounds like the fact the history hasn't been deleted is a good sign - hope he can keep away for both your sakes.

MM - thanks for thoughts. Been thinking more along those lines today. If he doesn't sort it out there's no way I can stay any more. It would make be miserable and then I'd really would be a crap mother. I owe it to my boys to be happy, and also they need good role models all round, not just most of the time.

H (D being dropped again ) in dog house again tonight over something completely different. He's been bugging me for months for some time off from DS and for some reason it has to be ME that gets a babysitter (ok I know more likely victims but he does know at least 2). So 2 months ago I sort an evening out salsa dancing, that time he complained that the babysitter brought her DH and then dumped me on the doorstep and went to watch a movie by himself - I went to the evening on my own, tried to have a good time but was soured. Month ago I arrange for babysitter to come while his parents are here so we can go ot with them - he whinged on and on that she brought her puppy and made me feel terrible that evening too. Tonight I arrange for my parents to have DS on sunday all day (they live an hour away) and that's no good for him either! can't win either way. sorry for rant, need an outlet.

Hope your talk with DH went well s&s. I'll try and cheer up again tomorrow.

Sorry you didn't get far with the help site. Maybe he's not ready to go there just yet. I suppose it a good thing he's staying away from the computer - and temptation? You said he was a good dad and DH in other respects - I think you need to wait until after DD3 arrives to make up your mind definitely. Partly because pg makes our feeling a bit distorted sometimes, but also practically - you know (having done it twice already) that you'll need his help while you re-adjust to having three. Annoying how that's the case but true for me too.

ITHM2 & Andmeaswell - hope you are ok. Please post if you want to talk/rant about anything!

I had another 'big think' last night and have come to the conclusion that I'm really not happy with my situation. I think I'd feel less trapped and therefore more able to deal with all this objectively - like stay if I want to not because I need to - if I had a plausible escape route. I've come up with a realistic action plan after looking at our finances - it'll take me just over a year to put in place but that's nothing compared to the rest of my life. I've got to work on getting a FT job so the earliest I could do that is April and it'll have to be an employer that runs the voucher scheme. Then there' the 3-6 month probabtion period I'd have to work to satisfy a mortgage company I'm good to lend to. After that, there's nothing to stop me standing on my own two feet!

I'm 99% hopeful it wouldn't ever come to actually leaving but I really feel like I need the option - does that make sense?

DH left this morning as though everything was just fine btw - can't tell if he's in denial or whether he's trying to get me back on side. I waited until he was asleep last night before going to bed so I wouldn't have to play nice and kiss him goodnight. This morning he didn't say anything but he brought me a cup of tea and after about 10 mons asked me if I had any plans. I think he's avoiding the subject. Going to have to talk to him though, I'm fed up of making loads of effort to arrange time out for us and then him turning round and throwing it back at me as though I;ve done something wrong - especially as he's the one nagging me to sort it in the first place. grrr.

Sorry didn't mean to go on.

H23 - you ok today?

I know exactly what you mean with the naughty teenager thing - but that's what they're behaving like, wanking away under the sheets!

Hope you don't worry too much about what he does today and have a nice time yourself. If he does he does - regardless of whether you worry. And you'll find out if he does and can do the getting upset, making him feel guilty bit then. We have to try not to let this become the overriding issue in our lives - then we'd be all obsessive and that would make me uncomfortable coz that would be like him. brrrr.

Hope he does the garden, I mowed the lawn this morning and am shattered - be nice if DH would do a bit!

Hi there. Yes, fine today. Just coping with a 14month old DD who is determined to fall off everything today tho. She's now sporting a very bruised cheekbone. Ho hum. Her friend of the same age broke her arm yesterday, so I'm happy with a few bruises.
I agree with you 2 - it's very hard to not obssess on DH's behalf. If he's out I worry that he's not where he says he is, but is in a newsagents (or worse!) buying porn. But it's impossible to live your life like that.
NTSL- wow! a great action plan. I hope you never have to use it, but it must be so good for your self-confidence to be able to feel that there is an escape plan if you need it and also to 'threaten' (not right word?) DH with to show that you mean business.
It's given me food for thought, tho i think that i am not really in the same place you are, what with TTC etc.
I think the difference between my situation and both of yours is that I knew this about DH before we were married. In fact he told me before we first moved in together, as he didn't want to live with me and be living a lie too. (we were together 7yrs before we got married, and married for 5yrs in aug) so i kind of went into this with my eyes open.
having some mums round in a bit. we normally meet in the park on weds afternoons, but it's raining...

H23 - sorry your DD is in the wars - they all go through it though. DS fell down 4/5 steps when he was about that old - it was only then I realised he could climb them - felt so guilty - but, he never did it again and we haven't used stairgates. They only learn by doing!

I get the impression that you think you should be ok with DH's behaviour simply because he's honest about it and has been from the beginning. I don't think that's the case - I knew DH had a problem before I fell pg with our 1st baby who sadly I miscarried at 16 wks (not related to stress etc). I then proceeded to get pg again with DS still knowing he had a problem. And again... here I am, mug or what?! But each time he assured me he'd stopped and I trusted him. (Funny how it's always 'come out' when I'm pg though as a side-thought) I think the only thing we're guilty of is being a bit too trusting. Your DH told you he had a problem, which implies he recognised it was a behaviour he needed to stop and all you did was agree to supporting him in stopping, not living with him for 12 yrs and him STILL doing it. I'm out on a limb here but am I right in thinking you thought that it would have been sorted out by now?

Just saying don't kid yourself you have to be ok with it just because you knew before - you don't, and it's ok to be angry with him and feel hurt and betrayed.

Hope your mums get together has gone well and taken your mind off things.

The other thing is h23 - please don't get into the situation I'm in. The thought of splitting up with DH and taking one child away from Daddy was hard enough, two on the other hand? It makes me unbearably sad that it could come to that.

Ignore me if I'm crossing th line of course but please be sure you're staying before you get pg.

hmm. I guess the thing is that when I discover he HAS been using then I feel angry/sad/dissapointed etc etc...
But it never occurred to me to even think about leaving him. Yes, porn use makes me feel all sorts of things about myself as a woman that I would not want to feel, but I think what I was trying to say is that I recognise (while in no way condoning or being happy with it) that DH has a problem and that I want to be there alongside him to help him overcome it.
And yes, you're right, I did naively think that it would be sorted by now, but I've learned (like I said in a previous post) that it never will be: Even if he never uses porn again for the rest of his life, he will always be a recovering addict. So we will never be using porn together as a couple (not that I want to, but as an example), and I will always feel a bit odd when other friends are talking about porn so casually.

I honestly don't think that I'm kidding myself or selling myself short. Yes, there is a problem in my relationship with DH, but it's a problem that I knew about and choose to live with (all the while hoping that it's a diminishing problem), and reading MN over the past few months has made me see that as far as problems go it's not half as bad as so many other people's problems.

Please don't think I'm playing down the seriousness of this or letting him get away with it! But I think you and S&S are going through a much more emotive time than me at the moment: recent discoveries and pregnancies don't make for a very relaxing time for either of you.
Whereas as I've said I think things are going really well with DH and porn-use at the moment.

Having said all that though, thanks for your post, it's food for thought.

H23 - completely respect your position and best of luck in TTC, hope it's going well! I agree with the whole 'recovering addict' thing. It'd be like never letting a gambling addict have control of the finances again. I'm always going to have to make sure I'm one step ahead and I know that'll be draining. But - if he's willing to make the effort I will too, for the sake of how much I love him as well as the kids.

Thanks, I think you do have a a more 'stable' view point at the moment and that's really helpful.

Yep - that 'mug' feeling happens quite a lot as my memory kicks in. But as I said - only thing we're guilty of is being too trusting, oh, and stupidly expecting a nice normal marriage!

Things are a bit better with DH this morning. We had a long chat last night where I explained how I felt about the babysitting, his attitude towards my parents, his attitude about his 'perfect' parents (they're not!) etc ect. I told I felt like I was being pushed to the limit at the mo and I can't deal with anything like I normally would so he assumed I meant the masturbation/porn issue and started to say that if I was goingt o use that against him then - blah blah, sure you know how it goes! Men are so vain! The fact I've been stressed out at work, trying to get a masters, DS been very poorly, I've been ill, had pg problems - somehow that hasn't registered...??? Men!!! So I spelled it out for him and he backed off a bit, said sorry and now he's going to sort babysitting, not me

Ah - feel better already! So love MN

S&S - did DH turn up then?

Thanks but for me easier to work and study than be 'mummy' all the time. Masters in long term health conditions - very interesting but very time consuming! Been very eye-opening and therapeutic too because I was ill myself for so long until I got diagnosed and medications that worked, been nice to do something just for me IYKWIM.

Hope you have a nice time when DH comes home early. Do you get to spend time away from the girls as a couple much?

We used to make sure we had plenty of time for eachother still but for some reason times out on our own have beengetting sparse (probably partly to do with his negative attitude towards the babysitters I find) and I've missed out on going to my 'me' things while pg because I've been too tired or DS ill etc. Need to make sure I prioritise that sort of thing more but have also now booked an evening with DS's godparents so we can go out for a meal - hope it will be nice and relaxed.

I think it's really important for DH's to be reminded every now and again that us mummies were once their GF's!

I hope youget the chance to study/have something for yourself, I found it made me feel like a person in my own right again! I'm going to start a silver smithing course next year too to have a creative outlet!

Going to have a read of that thread now - seems to common an issue

hmmm - interesting discussion. Makes me wonder how many men out there talk there wives/partners into believing that it's totally normal and all the other women in the world are ok with it so you should be too? I know DH tried that one on me and he'sobviously very deluded from what I've read today.

Do you think I should do the ha ha I'm right and you're wrong routine tonight or is that a bit childish?!

Might keep that thread in my watch list though just in case he tries it ever again.

What's this book you an DH had about porn then? I'm intrigued.