Just found DH registered on dating website & overusing porn - help!

[Needtoseelight]

Have just got back from trip and read history file on computer - yes was suspicious already something wrong but nothing like this.

Porn overuse in relationship problem for long time and always makes me angry and sad.

When I try and talk to him about it he just says he has a problem but that I shouldn't be hurt because it's nothing to do with me.

We've been married 3 years, have 20 month old and I'm 5 months pregnant. I want to leave him and feel so trapped.

Advice, thoughts???

Makes perfect sense. I do think DH knew that perhaps I wasn't completely happy in the bedroom but only after all this started. Unfortuantely on of the real physical side effects from overuse of porn and ttow much wanking is that men find it more difficult to get properly 'hard' when having real sex - that's one of the ways I can tell when he's been overdoing it because of course it affects my experience too.

During some of our previous converstions DH said that he's had girlfriends in the past who've been perfectly happy to masturbate themselves and use sex toys etc to help them. I've never seen the attraction personally but he just didn't seem to get the point at all that it's not about having a n orgasm - it's about doing it together or at least for eachother - duh!

Funny how previous relationships influence us so much in our marriage. Sad really that he assumes that just because other women are ok with something then I should be too. I guess that was kind of what the thread MT linked to was about.

sorry for poor spelling etc - should have been 'too much'

Hmmm... exactly. I'm going to have a think and a bowl of cornflakes now (because I'm pg, home alone and I can eat ceral for lunch if I like!) and put my feet up!

Do you work S&S or are you on maternity leave? Hope you're finding feet up time too.

I've thought about telling DH he can read this thread so he can understand a bit more about how I feel. He knows I've been writing to people and discussing out problems and wasn't happy about it as he thought it was too personal a thing to discuss. I told him how much I'd needed to talk to someone though. What do you think?

Changed my mind and blackcurrant jam on white bread - even worse!

You now (as if you didn't before ) have my complete respect. I tried staying at home with DS. Had a crappy pg and had to give up work due to ill health (chronic migraine - poor DH does have to pick up the pieces sometimes because of that) and got completely bored with being on my own all day. When DS came along I (well, he actually) couldn't BF which made me feel like a crap mother and it took me falling down the stairs and turning instinctively to protect him to make me realise that actually, I was an OK mum and I must love him. Sorry - goin on aren't I! - anyway, upshot was that I realised I'd not been coping and had got too low so I started back at work 2 days a week and DS goes to nursery - which he thouroughly enjoys.

I'm now facing the prospect of being a sahm again when DS2 arrives and wondering how I'll cope. But, can't afford childcare for two so unless I get a magic pay rise I'll have to make the best of it. WOn't be so bad now though as I've made new friends who are also sahms since then.

Waffley mood today - so nice having the house and the computer to myself!

I've read the original post and some of the replies so hope I'm not too far behind.

Porn - most blokes do look at it, some more than others. Often it's a handy release (if you know what I mean), especially if you're ill and sex is off the agenda. It's also easy to get into a pattern of logging onto the pc and going to the porn sites, for blokes it's no different to putting the telly on and watching big brother yet again.

Dating sites - Tough one this. Is it a dating site or a chat site? If chat maybe your dp feels a bit left out or lonely ( i know, you're the one with all the difficulties but we men find it hard to know what to do, sometimes. Feeling helpless is a big thing with us). If he is trying to setup proper dates then he has problems that DO involve you and he needs to talk to you about them.

Marriage councelling would seem a good idea, even if just for you so you can get some help coming to terms with what's going on.

I'm 6 months in a few days time - home run then! I think it'll be fab to have 2 boys as well and they'll be just under 2 years apart. The fact I'm having boys (well really that we have children at all) makes it all the more important to sort this out. I don't want them growing up and finding this stuff on the computer, or to hear us arguing about it.

You're right, it's been a nice balance with the 2 days a week. The only way I could afford it was that my new post was in research which pays better than the NHS. There's a possibility I could get funding for another project but it's an outside chance so I'm not relying on it - well paid jobs for health professionals are the exception rather than the rule. (can't remeber if I said I was a HP, I work with people disabled by arthritis, love my job to bits, feel very useful )

HappyDaddy - thanks for thoughts Don't have to answer if too personal but do you do it and if so how often, does your DW know etc? The most upsetting thing for me has been the deceit and lies, and the frequency.

Re the dating site I'm giving DH the benefit of the doubt for now but the jury's out and if there was anymore eveidence I'd have to reconsider my position.

I have done, yes. Used to look at it quite a lot, I got bored with it though so haven't for a while. DW knows all about it, knows that my dvds are gathering dust in the cupboard too.

I've always said that the moment dw shows any negative reaction to it, I'll bin the dvds and never look at it again. It's like watching a Madonna video when Marilyn Monroe is sitting next to you, innit? Bit pointless.

So do you think if you were my or s&s's DH you'd give it up for the sake of saving the marriage? I think for our DH's it passed the point of being and occaisonal innocent pass time into something that was an addiction. Do you think I'm being a bit harsh or over-reacting?

ive been keeping upto date with this as im to say its happening to me to

some months ago i had the telephone bill and dp had been phoning sex chat lines run up a bill for over £50, found on his internet that he had 1 female buddy, in his deleted box was a pic of a woman all smiling at the camera also tracked him on the internet to looking at porn sites, he did have porn pics on his mobile and buys one of them cheap newspapers with all the topless women in it (thats if you can call them women)

i just feel so torn over it all we have dd who is 5 and ASD, i allways thought our sexlife was brill and am ok to try new things espessially like annsummers

just cant get it out my head what hes done keep on thinking do i know the real him if he loved me that much then surely why would he do this??? then i start thinking i must be fat,ugly repulsive and really hate my self.

i know he wouldnt cheat but he keeps his mobile phone away from me all the time im not allowed to go near it when he is asleep i have checked and nothing inciminating on their just dont want to spend the rest of my life allways checking on him its as if i have 2 children

Apart from the dating site thing, looking at porn doesn't signal a want to cheat or that they have gone off you in any way at all.
If they are hiding it from you, they know you don't like it but feel they can't or shouldn't have to stop. To me, that sounds more like addiction and really needs some help.

Porn is much easier and cheaper to get hold of than alcohol, seems to be just as harmful to family members but doesn't taste as nice as a good pint!

IHTM2 - So sorry to hear you've been feeling like this.

I think what s&s and I have talked about should reassure you that it's really not you - it's him. I think none of us here are sexually repressed, unwilling or unable to satisfy our partners in the bedroom - or any other room!

Don't know if you read that far back but I've been down the road before of a man making me think I was unattractive and worthless so yu'll forgive me if I sound arrogant now - it's positive self-talk My DH has no reason not to fancy me - when not pg I have a great figure and always take care of my appearence, i have never 'let myself go', not for him but for me - I need to feel good about myself so I take care that I do! Therefore look at yourself in the mirror and look for all your beautiful bits! Also see the recent thread linked to by MT further down for proof that no-one can live up to the girls in the photos.

Have you talked to your DP about what you found on the computer and the phone bill etc? I think I would draw the line at actually contacting real women - pictures and fantasies are one thing but that sounds like the slippery slope to an affair

Thanks HappyDaddy (what a nice screen name!). It's good to hear a bloke perspective. I think from what you've said it's a bit like chocolate. I love it, wouldn't wasnt to give it up, don't see why I should have to but if my marriage was on the line there'd be no contest

we have spoken and i packed his bags when i found out actually phoning and using the chat did it for me he really begged me not to so we are trying to work it out done ALOT of talking he knows how much he has hurt me and id only come of my anti depressants 2 months ago am now back on them through all of this, sorry if this is to much info but when we make love now im convinced hes fantasisng about some one alse dont know if its to do with my depression as i suffer paranoia with it and panic attacks so im never 100%sure if i should be trusting my own instincts.

hes promised he will never do it anything like it again so i have put parental controll on SKY now and am thinking of doing it on the internet as well, just cant get my head round why should i have to husband proof these things in the house?? im an adult and choose not to look at them why cant it be that easy for him to???

I also think the porn industry lately is really bad the more im on mumsnet the more im reading about it destroying couples it makes me really

sadandsickened, obviously he wasn't going to have a tug while your head was in his lap, he'd wake you up. Like i said earlier, if you look at porn often enough it becomes like watching your favourite daily programme. It's the same as yesterday, it's a bit boring but you watch it anyway. The secrecy is the thing I don't agree with.

Regarding the porn industry - we shouldn't dismiss it as all bad. Virtually all of the techie changes in computing and the internet have come about as a result of the porn industry. Webcams, faster internet speeds, secure internet payments, better graphics and video streaming. All powered by the growth of the porn industry.

HappyDaddy I think those advancements would have been made without the porn industry and actually I'd be perfectly happy to not have had them if this is the price. And I think s&s's DH accessing porn while she was actually asleep on his lap was totally out of order given heknew how she felt about it.

I wonder how DH would feel if I got breast implants and posed naked and let other men wank away to that? Or his sister....

I have been reading this thread since last night and it's made me feel sick as it has/is happened/happening to me too. I say 'happened' in that he tells me it is not happening now (he promised he wouldn't) and my checks on the computer seem to back that up but i am afraid he will do it again in the future. I go through days on end feeling comletely anxious and quite unable to cope let alone eat or sleep properly. Anything can trigger me off, some things rational (ie could be genuine indicators of something he has been up to) and some irrational (where I get myself into a state over nothing - he hasn't actually done anything at all and I end up proving to myself that it is all in my imagination.) I seem to not know the difference anymore. This is not helped by fact that he has not been completely honest with me about his online activities and I don't think he ever will be. He is a good man in many respects but he has always had this need to lie as far as he can get away with it, ie, where there is any element of doubt at all or just circumstancial evidence of something he has done.

I hate the internet. I despise the computer in fact. That AOL advert about whether the net is a good thing (discuss) is so ironic. As was that discussion on Eastenders last night between Kevin and Keith, where Keith said "confession = grief" or something. To me, a totally clean slate would help me I "think".

We are having counselling, about this and other non relationship based issues but I dont think he is capable of being completely honest to the counsellor, maybe not even himself.

I love him though. I neither want no could (easily) face a life without him but this doesn't mean I could put up with further/endless occurances of this type. Long term I would rather live without him but I hope this will never be necessary.

Hugs love and feelings of great female solidarity to the others on this thread. There are too many of us aren't there.

Not that I'd even need the implants - 32D anyway ;)