Just found DH registered on dating website & overusing porn - help!

[Needtoseelight]

Have just got back from trip and read history file on computer - yes was suspicious already something wrong but nothing like this.

Porn overuse in relationship problem for long time and always makes me angry and sad.

When I try and talk to him about it he just says he has a problem but that I shouldn't be hurt because it's nothing to do with me.

We've been married 3 years, have 20 month old and I'm 5 months pregnant. I want to leave him and feel so trapped.

Advice, thoughts???

Hi s&s. That's really sad about how you feel. Do you think your H still loves you and is just one of those blokes that can't say? It makes me feel lucky that at least I have that. Do you know if there's any reason why he's doing it like he's got problems getting going in real life and feels inadequate with you? How are you at talking about other stuff in your lives?

How's you pg going? How many wks are you, just realised I never asked you, sorry! I hate BHs too, it's such a lie that they're not painful. Thankfully I've had no more scares over the past few days but I just got news from my midwife I have an infection which could have been causing my problems but there's nothing they can do about it yet.

I feel so bad for you that you think it might be too late to save your relationship, especially as you're expecting your 3rd baby so soon. Is it really feasible for you to leave him though, or is it something you just feel you want to but are stuck where you are for now? If you can't talk to him, could you 'accidentally' leave some evidence lying around for him to find? I managed to get a converstion going a while ago by leaving a website up on the computer. It wasn't a conversation in which anything was resolved but it got us talking at least. You could try this one Joe Zychik

I wish there was an easy way out of this mess. I'm trying to be hopeful for now that I can sort this out with my H but if we can't, there'll have to come a point where I say enough is enough. I hope you feel that you can come and rant onhere if youfeel like it, I know how much I've wanted to talk to someone about this for so long and I'm really grateful you've been around the past few days. It's been nice not to feel alone and isolated. I told one of my RL friends that we were having problems but that I couldn't be specific, she was really supportive but it's not the same as being able to be honest.

Hope your BHs haven't been so bad today.

my dh was a bit like your except he was addicted to chat sites where he would pretend he was someone else completly,he said to one i was a 40 year old woman who never worked and he had to work long hours to support me and my rich taste (the truth is i am 26 and work 2 jobs to pay morgage) he also used to say stuff like i was just a shag - his words, and he also used to txt women on his mobile. he has now stopped this behaviour but i found out this is why his first wife left him for someone else because she couldnt handle it. he got caught out 3 months after we were married for the last time and i went online and paid to have the divorce papers drawn up on his credit card and called him to say they would be here very shortly he completly shit himself at the thought of me leaving, he got rid of his mobile and now only uses the fone i have complete assess to the statements and does not use the new computer he brought for me

Have not been in this situation myself. Best Friend's bf is heavily into porn - found out he has cheated on her for 9 months out of 12 months together. Trying to work things through but he still cannot give up the porn no matter how much it upsets her or she asks him not to. He doesn't have computer but is begging for one - wonder why?? Long story short imo if they are obsessed with porn I question their moral boundaries and would be extremely suspicious of the dating registration. There is a difference between having the occasional look at porn and having it all over your computer.

Kind of talking about this here too, although not from such a personal perspective.

Best of luck NTSL

ohwell - that sounds like what I should have done 3 years ago when I first found this. I wish it was an option now but as there are children I didn't'don't feel able to threaten divorce unless it's as a last resort - though I felt like doing it on thursday. How far down the line are you now, have you managed to get over it yourself? My biggest fear is that he'll manage to get it under control but I'll still be left feeling repulsed by the memory of it.

Mymama - completely agree there's a difference btw occaisional self indulgence, where your partner knows and accepts what you're doing, and being deceitful and doing it every day. Also in or case I had made my beliefs and expectations clear fromthe outset yet he chose to ignore them.

About the dating site, I can't do much more about that at the moment,but the trust we had has been broken and I will be keeping a close eye on the history, temp internet files and cookies from now on. I will probably also be checking his mobile for numbers I don't recognise etc. How sad his behaviour has led to this. We had a wonderful relationship once, I just jope that one day we can get back to something close.

S&S - are you ok today?

Hi s&s - 6 weeks to go! that's not long now, I hope you can find a way to enjoy the excitement of expecting LO's arrival.

The way to see sites that have been visited apart from using th historyis to go to Tools>Internet options>Settings (in the middle box under temp internet files)>view files. Cookies are listed here along with lists of all sites visited and records of images viewed. I decided that the next step with H if he doesn't stop this time is to put a porn filter on the PC - ie, I get aprogramme that applies a password to the internet andhe would only be able to access 'pre-approved' sites. I don't want it to go that far though - I think if it did that it would probably be the end.

Just a quick one tonight as he's hanging around and I'm not in the mood for more 'discussions'!

I'm not an IT expert but if there's anything you want to know about monitoring internet habits etc I've become quite profficient so just ask

Stay strong!

Morning! H has gone to work so I get the whole day to myself as DS is at nursery - I felt like I could do with a little 'me' time to mull things over and so far it's been lovely and quiet!

BTW cookies are a bit like electronic 'breadcrumbs' - while you're on the internet you leave a trail which is logged on your computer. Eg, if I go into my cookies file at the mo there'd be me(username)@mumsnet.com, [email protected], [email protected] etc etc. And of course when H has been on there's [email protected] etc.

The instructions I gave in my last post only apply to internet explorer btw and won't work with other browsers. My H cottoned on to what I was doing to check up on him a few years ago and changed our browser so I couldn't use that function. Since then I've just occaisionally been switching the history on to see what he's doing and taking screenshots before he switches it off again. All silent though, he's never mentioned it but obviously I know it's him that switches it off.

Part of our 'deal' this time is that I have blocked images from all the sites he normally uses (though I'm sure this wouldn't stop him if he's determined) and that the history stays up for 8 days. This will mean that I have a week or so in between times I can check what his activity has been and to make sure te blocks are still in place. I felt another important factor in this was that I was honest about how I would be doing it and that I expected him to leave the settings as they are. He said he wasn't happy about it but I told him that that was how it was going to be or... (left it hanging). I'm fed up of sneaking after him myself and there's no reason for me to feel guilty about checking on him - he's let me down so many times he knows I can't trust him anymore. I think for me though it's important to not be like him, lying and being deceitful, I'd rather make him a bit upset by telling him up front than him find out later and having a huge blow up.

Other things you can do are to itemise and monitor your phone bills, switch from broadband to dial-up so you can make sure he doesn't spend hours online without you knowing, and have access to his bank statements. My H and I share our banking so I can make sure he's not spending money I don't know about, that's wy I can be pretty certain hes not entertaining another woman. I always ask what cash was spent on too.

I do hate the situation and how far things have gone already. I wish I could just believe him and things were like they used to be. I feel like I'm his mother or something but I can't see any other way at the mo. I want to stop feeling like a fake too, my family and friends all love him and I can't tell them what's going on so I feel like I'm living a lie. If we can sort it I'll stop feeling like that but if we can't, I can end it before it drags me down any further.

Sorry for long post, guess I'm starting that 'mulling' over I was on about!

Sorry it was such a depressing read. When I last found a list my heart came into my mouth and I started getting palpitations - I was so upset. Sounds like your DH does want to stay with you at least? Perhaps you could convince him to go down to one browser and make him understand that he'll be checked up on but that if he changes any of the settings you'll have to assume the worst?

Do you still love him? I know it's hard to ask right now but I think it's an important one. Sounds like you had a big chat with him the other night - any reassurances from him that he still wants to be with you?

PS I know how you feel with the party thing. we had 6 of our closest friends over the night after our last big run in and I was convinced they knew I'd been crying. I hardly said a word all night and found it so difficult to smile and laugh with them - it felt so forced. That's the worst part of all this, secrecy and lonliness. Thanks again for being here to talk about it.

What a horrible situation for you all to be be in. I hope your husbands manage to get their addictions under control. Stupid stupid men that they are.

Strange feeling. Only other time I can remember feeling that hut by something was when I was a teenager and EVERYTHING was magnified!

I take it someone else's DH has seen a prostitute?

MT - I know you said you didn't have personal experience but where does you're insight come from? It seems like you know a lot about this subject and media etc.

I know what you mean s&s about being scared he's not the person you thought he was. I suppose I'm trying in my head to separate the addictive behaviour from the person I married, and believe in my own choices and instincts. It's hard and I'm having moments of doubt but going ok so far. I think they must be genuinely good men but sucked in by something that promised cheap kicks before realising the true high price of what they're doing. Have you and DH been married for a long time?

Have just read that thread - so sad a man thinks he can get away with it. I think if mine did that he'd be out the door but her situation seems to be very different. Have left post for her, hope he doesn't get the chance to let her down again - why do men think they can do this to us?!!

Did you visit that site I linked to earlier about sexual addiction? I found it helpful a bit in understanding (but not condoning) the behaviour. I have also worked with people who have non-substance related addictive or 'unhelpful' behaviour and I honestly believe it's not part of the underlying personality. Sexual addiction is a bit like over-eating to the point it becomes dangerous, or self harm which makes the person feel OK for a bit until the sadness or anger comes back.

I didn't bring it up before but I used to self harm by cutting my arms and legs when I was younger. I stopped when I realised a better way to deal with it was by talking to others and admitting I had a problem. Before now finding evidence of H's addiction has made me want to do it again and sometimes I've given in, mainly because my coping strategy of talking to others wasn't an option. That's part of the reason I started this thread, I needed to find another way to deal with those feelings and so far so good. It was also another reason for anger with H because he knew his behaiour made me feel like cutting again and he could see when I'd done it and never said sorry or showed concern. I think he felt too guilty but it made me feel ashamed too, that I'd given in. Now I feel angry that I have scars I didn't need to have. I know he didn't make me do it but if he hadn't... well, I suppose it's both of our faults really.

Sorry, haven't really talked about this for long time. Don't know why I brought it up now, obviously time on my own is making me think of stuff I've not had chance to for ages.

We've been married 3 years too btw, together for 5.

Sorry about last post. Just want you to know I'm not depressed and not a depressive person. Usually really positive and optimistic, I just developed a bad coping mechanism when I was a teenager.

Thanks for understanding - it's another of those things we 'just don't talk about' isn't it!

I hope you manage to get DH to have a look at that site, if he's admitted he's obsessed but understands he may lose you because of his behaviour he might look at it. My H understands his behaviour might result in me leaving him but I'm not convinced he admits to himself that he's addicted, though he obviously is. At least he's accepted he needs to stop though.

We had a really personal discussion about our sex life etc the other night and it seems he's been living under the illusion that if he'd like an orgasm with me then it has to be through 'proper' sex. Thing is, I think actually I seem more open to different sexual experience than he is - ironic! I told him that this wasn't the case and there are a number of different things we can do to 'satisfy' eachother and that it's ok for that not to be through full sex. I've had much more 'varied' experiences with previous BFs but it never occurred to me that H didn't do those things because he thought he shouldn't/couldn't. I guess I'm trying to act on Zychik's advice that you shouldn't try to go cold turkey on something like this as it's a natural normal drive. I'm not suggesting this was the cause of his problem and doesn't excuse him but maybe it's a way forward and bring sex abck into the realms of our relationship rether than being something he thinks of as separate. It makes me wonder if there;s something going on where he (and other men) get skewed views of their wives and are under some sort of illusion that we alwys want our sex lives to be full of love, wonder and intimacy? I mean, of course that's nice and lovely to have but surely we should have fun and excitemnt and 'sex' as well as love-making?

What do you think - am I getting sidetracked?

Sex is always a hard (scuse pun!) subject to bring up with DH (have decided to reinsert 'D' as I do love him really) because right from the beginning of our realtionship he said I was a bit scary! Anyway I backed off a bit and stopped jumping on him and I think we were both really happy with sex for a while. But, I did feel probably even before we married, that I'd have liked a bit more interest from him. He used to say it was because I was younger than he was and well, blah blah - rubbish really if he was wanking away. btw he's 11 yrs older than me at 36.

Anyway, reason I suppose it's a difficult subject ids that I never wanted to say I was dissatisfied (then I might have got even less!) and I dodn't want him to feel inadequate. When we do make love he's always very 'considerate' and I can probably count on one hand the times we've done it and I haven't had an orgasm - I suppose that makes me pretty lucky really! Trouble is recently I've felt he's just going through the motions and I miss having a bit of genuine sexual excitement - I think that's what porn has robbed us of. Whether it's real or imagined I feel like 'how could I ever measure up in terms of excitement to his fantasies?' etc etc until it gets stuck at the front of my head, right there and then while we're having sex and it completely ruins it.

Having an moment again...