Just found DH registered on dating website & overusing porn - help!

[Needtoseelight]

Have just got back from trip and read history file on computer - yes was suspicious already something wrong but nothing like this.

Porn overuse in relationship problem for long time and always makes me angry and sad.

When I try and talk to him about it he just says he has a problem but that I shouldn't be hurt because it's nothing to do with me.

We've been married 3 years, have 20 month old and I'm 5 months pregnant. I want to leave him and feel so trapped.

Advice, thoughts???

PS - we don't deserve it, of that I'm sure.

Hi NTSL,
Not got any advice, just to let you know that my DH is addicted to porn too. He admitted it to me before we first moved in together (luckily he's a very forward thinking man and tortured by his addiction. we have a mutual friend who's a psych-nurse and DH talked to him before me).

since that 1st confession he's been to see a councellor a couple of times, but i occassionally (once a year or so) catch him at it again (files found on computer etc).
after i've caught him we have a big crying session where he promises to do something to change and that he'll keep talking to me about it whenever he's tempted.
then, after a few months, he stops mentioning it, which probably means he's using again, and i think that i should mention it, but can't quite bear to because i know we'll have to go thru the whole cycle again.
we're at that stalemate stage now.

i would definitely send him to councelling again, except that at the moment we live abroad and his language skills aren't good enough to speak to a councellor.
but- if you live in the uk, there are porn addiction places (like alcoholics annonimous) which i would look into, if i were you.

i know exactly how you feel with that sick, dissapointed, wondering if you had children with the right man, feeling.

one thing that DOES get me through is thinking that while one addiction can be as bad as any other, at least he's not gambling our house away, or putting his family's health at risk by taking drugs. Though having said that, he has admitted to looking at porn on the work computers, which is SO a sackable offence so maybe he was putting our finances at risk? he's sworn up and down that he will never do that again tho.

TBH, like i said DH is tortured by this. not sure that it sounds like your H is...

sorry i can't be more helpful, but reading your experiences, while crap for you, have made me feel less alone and i hope that maybe i've done the same for you.

Hi h23. Stalemate's a good word for the situation. It's like we agree to disagree but I'm not happy about it. It makes me angry that he promised he'd respect me before we married and clearly lied. He does say sometimes he'll go see someone but never follows it up - I don't know if he thinks it's important. When I talk to him about it he says it's not important, to which I say well what's more important, your dick or our marriage? The fact that he say sex and masturabation isn't important but then carrying on is as good as saying that our marriage is even less important.

S&S - that's an irony for us too. People often say how nice he is and how lucky I am. But porn is such a taboo subject and I feel embarrassed to talk about it so I can't tell them how it really is on the inside.

Thanks, it's good to know I'm not as completely alone as I felt this morning.

I think he's complacent and knows I'm trapped and can't afford to leave him - so he does what he likes.

yeah, nice to talk to you two and feel less alone about it.
DH did once say that i could tell people about it, because he knew that it would be eating me up inside. but how/what do you tell them? it's so personal and while logically i understand that his use of porn is not a rejection of me as a woman, i can't help but feel that and don't really want other people somehow thinking that too. also, it almost feels normal among some of my male friends to use porn, they talk about it quite casually, that i think it would be hard to pick the right person to talk to.
like you two, DH is seen as perfect from the outside of this relationship and he is pretty great (despite the porn use!) and i wouldn't like to jepordise his relationships with mutual friends.
i did go and see a councellor myself when he first told me, just because it felt useful to say these things out loud to someone. maybe that would help you, NTSL, especially if H can't make the effort?

Given that 3 of us have found each other in such a short time frame on a website perhaps is not as rare a subject as we're led to believe?

I don't think H thought marriage vows extended to the mind. I wonder what he'd say if I started to think about being with another man or went on a dating website. Don't think he'd be happy...

Just been to put DS to bed and no more nappies, better pop out sainsbury's before I settle in for the evening. If H doesn't say anything before I go I'll have to bite the bullet. Thanks for support ladies, you've made me feel a bit better and like I'm not the one in the wrong.

Will let you know how things go. Hope you manage to find some resolution when the time is right too.

NTSL- hope you and H managed to talk about it all. what does he think about this in relation to your DS?

S&S, just read your first post again. sorry that you and DH will probably call it a day

If anything, HE should be dreading it!

You're strong and in control and you're the QUEEN of your home. No one has the right to spoil your pregnancy for you. Don't be sad and nervous and worried if you can possibly avoid it. You know your baby goes through all the bad emotions you're going through.

Be strong and calm. Good luck with everything. Take care of yourself and if you do go, don't rush off into some desperate situation, plan it well.

I dont have any experince of all of thsi, just feeling very for you all.

NTSL - please try not to worry about your unborn baby. i went through some very bad experineces when I was pregnant with last baby ( another child dying ) and I was very worried that somehow it woudl affect the baby I was carrying. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and spent months travelling to the hospital every day & staying there til the middle of the night. And trying to keep life going for the other children.

In the end baby was fine - went past term, good birth weight, good eater and seems to be the most laid back of all my kids ( H'es now 6 months).They are survivors

Morning. Sorry to hear you werejust ignored last night s&s, so hard to know when they do that.

I confronted H last night and we were uo til 2am tryingtofind some resolution. I said I'd had enough and I wasn't prepared to keep going based on false promises. Funnily enough after a bit he broke down and got so upset, I felt bad, despite everything I hate to see him hurting. Tried to make the point though that hurting me was what he was doing even if he didn't think he was and that if he does love me and wants us to be a couple rather than just 2 people who happen to live together and have kids, he needs to make some pretty big change.

To cut a long story short we now have an agreement that he will have to stick to if we're goingto stay together. I think the key to it is for me not to feel embarrassed or guilty about checking up on him and he understands that that's because I just can't trust him to sort it out on his own anymore. He's going to see an NLP therapist, we got the guy's number through a fellow health professional we both respect. They specialise in breaking 'wrong' associations, ie, in his case the link between wanting to masturbate and the material he's been using.

The dating website I'm not so sure about and I'm just going to have to give him the benefit of the doubt. He claims it was just a pop-up from another site he was on, I think I'll have to wait and see. Will definitely have to be vigilant though, I think all this has proved that he does have a problem andis incapable of self control on this issue.

I also made it clear that if he cheated on me I'd leave him - no debate. I also told him I'd thought about how I'd do it so he's under no illusions that I'm financially incapable of doing it.

S&S, after you've been to the CAB maybe you could say the same thing to your H, and show him you're serious. Might make him see sense if he does still love you and shock him out his complacency. There are loads of single women out there with kids, it can't be easy, but I reckon hard work is preferable to constantly feeling miserable and insecure in your own home.

Sorry for essay - wanted to update and thank you all. Off to toddler group now so can cheer up a bit

s&s, so sorry to hear that you feel like that about your H. I understand though - it's like it taints everything about your relationship and nothing seems pure or sacred. Perhaps I'm guilty of over romantacising marriage, I honestly didn't expect perfection, but it just seems that this is an unnecessary thing to spoil it with.

Do you think you'll talk to him about how you feel again?

I'm under no illusions it's all sorted with my H. I just need tomake sure he isn't either, I've been thinking about talking to him about time frames etc, and sticking with them so he gets that I'm serious. There's such a danger of this just being swept under the carpet - until next time of course.

I think what's in the back of my mind is my ex. He was an expert at manipulation and making all the right noises but never changing. I know not all men are the same and I want to give my H a chance to prove he's for real. Once bitten though... and I won't let myself fall for it again. I learned the hard way that I'm worth more than that. He'll have to work hard to prove he's serious, and I think he's realised that I can't trust him like I did and that's sad. I thinkit's a bit like having a scar, things heal but it'll never completely go away.