I've joined the merry throng

[Clichecliche]

It's complicated. But also very simple. DH has been unfaithful. Still an ongoing EA but now I've discovered it
I've NC. We have 3 kids
Bloody hell

[Clichecliche]

Maybe. Or is he staying away to reassure me because I'm terrified?
He is not holding out on me. I am getting sorted re STI asap and he is getting checked asap. Then we will bond if it works for us
Does he still have feelings for her? Of course he does. :(
This didn't fizzle out it ended abruptly. He says he won't go searching but she probably will. She thinks they have some amazing special soul mate connection. Because of how it felt when she looked in his eyes.
She won't give him up without a fight IMO. She will pursue and right now he doesn't want to deal with it. He's an emotional coward. Or at least has become one. He conflict avoids and the thought of a confrontation scares him
Is there a role for him writing to her or the two of us going to see her to tell her it's over. Or does he just hide until he feels stronger and she gets the message?

[Vivacia]

It sounds to me that you both have very firm roles to play in this relationship. You as the provider/saver/boss and him as the weak/victim/saved one.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Its his mess - you need to let him sort it out and that means he has to man up and confront her. The best way to do this is for him to call her on speakerphone in your presence.

He sounds like someone who is used to being the child, not taking responsibility, leaving all the shit work to you. This needs to change and he can start now by growing up.

[Clichecliche]

I've treated him like a child ever since he got ill and that was my mistake. I'm trying to change that habit
It's up to both of us to get out of destructive patterns
We've too efficiently deleted her number but I could track it down I guess

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Yes, you do need to back off and let him work out what he needs to do.

Not easy I know.

[Trigglesx]

He says he won't go searching but she probably will. She thinks they have some amazing special soul mate connection. Because of how it felt when she looked in his eyes.
She won't give him up without a fight IMO. She will pursue and right now he doesn't want to deal with it. He's an emotional coward. Or at least has become one. He conflict avoids and the thought of a confrontation scares him
Is there a role for him writing to her or the two of us going to see her to tell her it's over. Or does he just hide until he feels stronger and she gets the message?

Keep in mind that this is part of the script - it's the "putting the blame on the OW" part. This turns your anger towards her and makes him out to be the "poor man who is being chased and seduced against his will when all he really wants is to be with his wife." It's not spectacularly new. Sorry. You're already starting to look at him as a victim (hide until he feels stronger, confrontation scares him) and her as the aggressor.

[ownbrand]

I feel for you , i wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy.It was the worst experience of my life.

I think this is often about power and ego. To some extent your H has been rewarded with two women at odds over him. Some people say the only way to stop this is to agree with whatever they say , dont fight.
Ie, yes, i have neglected you , yes it sounds like you had something really special , i think you would be happier with her and that i would be happier with someone else , ect ect. People always want what they cannot have.

I stamped this out by stating i wanted an open relationship .

[Xales]

What Trigglesx says

He is doing a cracking job of making it you and him against her

[ownbrand]

Many people do write a no contact letter. The thing is they have to mean it. That call should have been made on loudspeaker and your right that he should have said he doesnt want to see her as opposed to cant. Hes not a teen whose been grounded and that reeks of doing it under duress.

She likeley is still contactable by him , he may have memorized her number or have it written or stored somewhere. I would expect there will be some contact between them. What that call tells you is that he has been agreeing with their special connection and other such rubbish.

People in affairs act like teenagers with the other spouse cast in the role of controlling parent who they repeatedly defy.

I think its normal to hate the OW and blame them ( i do) but she could have been anybody. Anybody equally dysfunctional with low self esteem and the capacity to self decieve would have done.

[Trigglesx]

Yes, ownbrand I think it is normal to hate the OW, but when he is actively encouraging it and making her out to be the aggressor in the relationship, that's "playing you" big time. That's "oh I'm not to blame, it's all her - she's going to keep trying to get me back - what can I do, I'm such a studmuffin, she's just in love with poor little me.... oh woe ... oh woe....."

[Clichecliche]

He wasn't seduced or raped at gun point. He made the choice to be unfaithful. She knows me. She knows my kids. She Pre all this came to my house to socialise with me. So yes I am angry with her. But his betrayal is much greater. It's not all about her for me. But I was stupid enough to speak to her last night and she was all about their connection and how special it was. She had no intention of letting go. That was obvious.
I know he doesn't have the number memorised as he's totally dyslexic about numbers but it could be written somewhere. He says not.
Either way I have two choices - trust him to keep trying or stop trying myself completely. I don't want to do that.
Yes he could throw it all back in my face but he might not
Not that I'm being naive but no point assuming the worst even though I clearly fear it.
I'm focussing on what I can do. I will not do stuff for him any more. I've backed off. I'm not protecting him from my pain as I always did before (seeing him so ill he nearly died 6 years ago and never talking about how much it hurt, excluding him from all family stresses and money worries in case it upset him). There's practical stuff to be done in the family and I'm leaving it to him or asking his opinion on day to day stuff instead of deciding everything for him. So far he's stepped up to the mark.
I'm not excusing his betrayal but I will not go on treating him
Like a child.
And I'm looking for counselling for me. After my STI checks tomorrow

[ModeratelyObvious]

I think being mad at her for going on about their special connection is very reasonable!

[MadAboutHotChoc]

You do sound very strong - and I am pleased you will be focusing on yourself.

As for him, only he can control his own behaviour so there is no point in trying to stop him from contacting OW.

[ownbrand]

Pity you didnt record it Op .

[Clichecliche]

Maybe I'm a bitch but either I believe she was a symptom of his fecklessness and cowardice or she was special. I think the former. And I feel a bit sorry for her because even if we don't end up reconciling he won't end up with her. She's waiting for something she can never have. The whole looking in my eyes special connection - how old is she? 17? Would have cringeworthy even if it wasn't my DH she was talking about.

[Clichecliche]

He says he won't contact her. He is resolved now but I guess in some ways this is like an addiction. I have a food addiction problem - in recovery mostly. Sometimes (like now weirdly) my commitment and resolve to staying on the wagon is absolute. Other times I avoid triggers like the plague because I'm at risk of binging. So if he wants to avoid triggers by staying as close to me as possible as much of the time as he can then I will accept that in the spirit it's being offered. But I know that I'm only a few bad days away from a major binge especially if I'm offered high calorie food at the wrong time.

[lemonstartree]

you are doing really well. There a million 'what if's' in ALL relatioships. At least the OP and her DH are trying to find what is good between them and build on that. If the OP considers all the possible things her Dh could do in the future she might as well file for divorce right now.

despite his behaviour she is choosing to trust what he says. I think that's brave, and given that they have DC and a long relationship, I, at least, can understand why she is prepared to take that risk

If he proves unworthy of that trust, then she can get shot at a later date, knowing for sure that she did everything she could.

[Clichecliche]

Well. Another evening of really talking about some very difficult stuff and some intimacy. No penetrative sex but plenty of making love. Lots of affection. Our dd1 said we were acting like newly weds and is quite disgusted. Perceptive girl. So yes hysterical bonding. If we get clean bills of STI checks I imagine some good fun to come
She texted tonight. A whole dialogue of how I should look after him and blah blah blah I don't deserve him. She's the better person. Wound me up and I showed it to him. We discussed it and I replied directly to say I love him, we are together and she has no real idea about us. Then he texted (using my phone so she doesn't get his new number) to say it is over. Closure. Maybe. Bloody hell. Things happen fast
Still such a roller coaster and dreading tomorrow at gu clinic and do totally stress when he's out. He still wants to be with me when he can and to avoid trigger places but that's ok for now.
Beyond that he's being pretty dynamic about the home, organising stuff and carrying it through. Making plans re work. Long may it continue
We will both crash at some point I'd imagine looking at the infidelity script but hopefully not at the same time. And anger hasn't really made it to the party just yet.

[Clichecliche]

I'm sad this morning
Ok just very sad

[lemonstartree]

hope you are ok ...

sad is, I think, very very normal

[OrmirianResurgam]

Hey cliche, chin up my lovely xx

"She knows me. She knows my kids. She Pre all this came to my house to socialise with me. So yes I am angry with her."

Same here. About a month before dday we had a big party for DH (his 50th). DH said she wasn't going to be there because her H wouldn't let her (I don't even know if he was as bad as he was made out to be now). But she turned up and made a big entrance, lots of fussing and clucking over her from all her friends. At one point she called her H to tell him she was leaving and then her mum came and picked her up. I gave her a big hug and told her that if she ever needed to talk I'd be happy to listen. Yuck! Did I ever feel like a fool when I found out the impetus to leave had been the hope that H would change his mind and leave me.

There is no need to divvy up the blame and anger neatly - 80% to the cheating spouse, 20% to the OW. It's perfectly rational to be 100% angry with both of them just in different ways. However regarding OW the goal is indifference.

[OrmirianResurgam]

And yes sad is normal.

Sad because for a while you feel less than special.
Sad because the life you tried to build for your family wasn't enough.
Sad because the things you did for him have been thrown back in your face.
Sad because he simply betrayed your trust.

[lemonstartree]

If someone I knew, who at been in my house, accepted my hospitality, pretended to be my friend then fucked my partner... my God I would want to bloody KILL them...

[Clichecliche]

I'm tired this evening. Brain dead to be honest. Can't write much. But I really appreciate everything I've read. The support and challenge. Good day on the whole. My DH is preparing dinner and I'm watching postman pat with dd2

[Vivacia]

Don't know what to say cliche I think you're handling this in quite a different way to what we normally see.