I've joined the merry throng

[Clichecliche]

It's complicated. But also very simple. DH has been unfaithful. Still an ongoing EA but now I've discovered it
I've NC. We have 3 kids
Bloody hell

[Clichecliche]

I'm not a jealous person usually. I believe in counting my blessings and not focussing on what I don't have
But I'm so jealous
He fucked her
It still feels like a secret they have that he knows exactly what happened between them and I don't
But that way lies madness. Or does it?
The details would hurt. My imagination hurts too.
Which is worse?

[Vivacia]

I think it's a personal thing. I like to know the facts, warts and all.

[lemonstartree]

I don't know. My instinct says that madness lies in asking for too much detail - it changes nothing and would you know for sure it was the truth?

BUT I have read many threads from betrayed wives who felt unable to move on until they had all the intimate details. I hope someone with some experience (either way) will be along to offer some better advice.

Its still such early days. so many conflicting emotions and no clarity, nothing to hold on to, because what you thought was solid, has been thrown up in the air.

How did the day go? how is H?

[Clichecliche]

I'm not a jealous person usually. I believe in counting my blessings and not focussing on what I don't have
But I'm so jealous
He fucked her
It still feels like a secret they have that he knows exactly what happened between them and I don't
But that way lies madness. Or does it?
The details would hurt. My imagination hurts too.
Which is worse?

[Clichecliche]

Stupid double post. Grrr

[Clichecliche]

I'm just going out to see a good friend.
I'm a lot calmer. Such a roller coaster
He's ok. We had the best talk as a couple sharing our innermost feelings that we've had in at least the 3 years its been since dd2 was born
Why did it take this to really talk?

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Because he couldn't be arsed before and was enjoying being the victim of circumstance and indulging himself accordingly?

[pausingforbreath]

When my 'Dh' admitted his affair, he gave me full disclosure.
Regarding the 'actual sex' , I decided that I didn't want the full details of how, duration, positions etc.
But I also told him that I assumed it was the best sex he'd ever had, real down and dirty mind blowing orgasmic,with no inhibition and that was what I have worked on in my head - the worst senario.
As we had the conversation , I also told him I neither wanted him to confirm or deny my assumption.

I have no confirmed scenarios in my head , so I don't have confirmed 'pictures' in my head to contend with.

It works for me - wouldn't expect it to work for anyone else. No one can say what will work for you - but you.

I know they had sex , that was enough - for me, how would the details and descriptions help me.

To be honest , for me the 'affair' - his emotional and time contribution , the betrayal of actually choosing to have an affair was 'worse' than the sexual acts they performed within the affair. Again, I appreciate that could be my personal experience and not everyone reacts the same....

Good luck with what you are facing.

[Clichecliche]

Time out with friend was good but I got all anxious by the end and needed to go home. He was frantic and scared too. God we are both so fucked up. He keeps wanting me to punish him somehow. I've told him his punishment is to live with this and to have the balls to address stuff now and to try to make it up to me in a million ways. Shouting and screaming or throwing him out or taking things away from him that he enjoys would be more satisfying but would be better for him. I'm not going to make this easy
We talked a bit about sex and intimacy and skimmed the details. I don't know if I know enough but it has helped.
I'm working tomorrow which will be tough. I feel the need to be near him. He's coming over to my end of town for the day so he can check in and we can have lunch and I can know there's no fear of him seeing her. Not that I think he wants to but it's nice to know he's willing to offer to be checked up on like that. Hoping I sleep

[Vivacia]

I hope you did get some sleep. I think you are right to refuse to punish him. I think he has to take responsibility for making amends, not you.

[Clichecliche]

I've always been a morning person. Not now
I'm awake and the realisation hits me all over again like the first time
My husband fucked another woman

[shootfromthehip]

cliche, I have been lurking and just wanted to offer my support. I cannot imagine how awful you feel. I admire the idea that you will forgive him but my concern is that you will be eaten up by the resentment of what he has done. Do you want to inflict more hurt onto yourself as you try to keep your family together. I'm not shouting LTB but perhaps it would be better for you and for him for him to work on his problems apart from you. At some point you internalise this more than you should as he talks you through all the problems that lead to the affair.

Fundamentally the problem was caused by him wanting excitement and attention that is not appropriate in a marriage. It doesn't sound like you have done anything other than support him. He has repayed that by betraying your trust. You need to think long and hard about how big a betrayal this is and whether or not, in the long run, you'll be able to live with it? If he doesn't like you having power, can you imagine how he'll hate this when the dust has settled?

[Clichecliche]

I don't think it was excitement actually. Just he was flattered by someone who "needed him"
I am aware there will now always be a real power differential if we are together as opposed to the bull shit he created in his own mind. Can we get through that? I don't know
But I'm not throwing him out to wallow in self pity which is what he would do. It is much more powerful for him to see what he has done and have to address it.
He's facing stuff. He has an appointment for an STI check. He's doing more than he has for years in terms of the family. He's keen (in fact keener than me just now) to go to marriage type counselling and is looking for someone who has experience of significant mental health problems as well as marriage counselling skills. I think he's right in this as his history of suicide attempts (way back when he first for ill in 2006) might scare off some
Will it last? Who knows?
I'm letting him get on with it. Not enabling him. Old habits die hard but I'm letting go.
That side of this is fine. The trauma of how this has hurt me is a very different thing.

[Upnotdown]

OP - we could have the same DP! Can't believe how similar our stories are. I'm over a year down the line though. We stuck together (we have 2 DC, 14 and 6) and have a better relationship in the aftermath (as much as it kills me and I say that through gritted teeth). It was a very tough 12 months afterwards - all I can say is, there will come a time, whatever you decide to do, where it won't be the first/last thing on your mind everyday. Put yourself first for now. I would highly recommend him staying somewhere else whilst you dust yourself down x

[Clichecliche]

I might send him away for a weekend but I want him at home as I'm not dealing with all the family stuff on my own. Then I'd never get time for me.
He's not pressuring me so its ok for now

[Upnotdown]

The purpose it served for me (asking him to leave) was to show him that I was capable of doing all of the family stuff alone, capable financially etc - I didn't need him there. I wanted him to know that he had been there up to that point not because I NEEDED him but because I WANTED him there.

After the revelation of what he'd been up to whilst I was feeing guilty for working too much, stressing too much, not giving him enough attention, I wanted him to know what it was like when I didn't just not NEED him but also when I didn't WANT him either.

The attention that he'd been getting elsewhere to make up for me 'neglecting' him lost it's shine really fucking quickly.

[Clichecliche]

I can see that
I think my DH is in no doubt I can manage without him
He's absented himself in all ways but his presence - all fucking ways as I've now discovered
The only thing I needed was his love and fidelity.
Bastard

[ownbrand]

This sounds horribly familiar , and i think your right about what they learn when they are very young . Its serious deep stuff and it takes an awful lot to change. Having said that many people have similar experiences and dont resort to cheating.

Nobody likes to acknowledge this but people who have affairs often suffer withdrawal lovey type symptoms when they can no longer see the affair partner .It is not unusual for them to continue the affair and you would be horrified how many people do this.

Many will disagree but exposure to her husband is the ONLY way to ensure this doesnt happen. I did this and my only regret is that the Ow husband didnt confront my partner . Also , considering the type of people they often are ( cowards ) , a dose of reality often works wonders .

You will have no way of knowing whether they are still in contact or if there still meeting up. Regardless of what he says he will miss the buzz of meeting up with her . Two sets of eyes are better than one.

[Clichecliche]

Considering the STI symptoms I'm still having I imagine I will be confronting him. I have no idea how to. I don't know his surname or where they live. She's just moved house and she doesn't have the same surname as his anyway. It will take some sleuthing but I will do it

[Vivacia]

Did you get your appointment for an STI check?

[Clichecliche]

Yes. Wednesday :(

[Wellwobbly]

"It still feels like a secret they have that he knows exactly what happened between them and I don't
But that way lies madness. Or does it?"

Nope. That is the pain of an affair. That they are on the inside with someone else and you are on the outside. It hurts like a bitch.

[Clichecliche]

It really really does
I've nearly got through a day at work. I feel totally strung out and anxious as hell
I've asked him for the dates and more details re the sex. I need more information. On one level I need to hear him say more about it because I just find it do hard to believe.

[ownbrand]

Your H should be willing to give you those details about where she lives ect.

When asking him questions i would expect to hear what is known as trickle truth , a bit of the truth a bit at a time, all under duress . I would strongly advise you to write down privateley what he tells you as this often changes. As horrible as it is i would also ask if there has been other affairs or flings.

If hes not willing to be honest , call his bluff and tell him if he cant be honest you will go to the Ow house / work and get the details of her.

Do you have all his passwords to the computer ?

[Clichecliche]

I've asked him already re others. He says not.
He doesn't use computers. He has a phone and I always had the code. He just deleted all texts which I should have seen was an issue but he deleted texts from me and his brother too so there weren't any from anyone to raise suspicion. She has just moved house. I know that's true because it was in one of the texts I read on Friday. She doesn't work. Thick chav bitch on benefits despite her husband working. He lives away in the week so from benefits point of view she's a single parent. Hope when he's away he's shagging half the country.
I've told him no trickle truth and I'm asking a lot and he's telling me straight off the cuff without time to think up a story. He knows no contact and no lies is a condition of not losing me. He's suddenly terrified. I can see that in his eyes.