As someone two weeks into having joined the Merry Throng, I just want to say I'm sorry you're going through this too. I find it gobsmacking how many women come onto MN each week and say the same thing about how their husbands are having affairs. It's like until it happens to you, you trundle along through your life blissfully unaware that this happens for real. You hear about it but you never imagine it will be you. Like being in a car crash - it's always someone else involved in one of those while you just drive slowly past the crash scene thanking your lucky stars.
If it helps, this is the timeline of how the last two weeks has gonefor me - perhaps it will help you to know what to expect:
- he admitted the affair. Didn't give full details. I was in shock and walked out of the house and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I came back, we had a short chat but my gut instinct was that I wanted to save my marriage. He slept in the spare room
- I didn't sleep but got more and more upset so that by morning I demanded to see his PC. I then got to see the extent of his affair. It was horrific. I told three close girlfriends and they came to my rescue. I spent the weekend with them at their houses. Told the kids mum needed a girly weekend break. On about day 3 I got angry. Husband and I communicated a lot by email.
- He left for a week to go on a business trip abroad and to find out about what was going to happen with his job (it was with a work colleague). I felt sick all week, full of anxiety, crying all the time about nothing, exhausted, not sleeping, wanting to vomit. I took Kalms and Nytol to get through it.
- He came back. He was a broken man. A complete shell. I could tell that he was deeply ashamed and sorry for what he had done. We had a long, mature chat. I tried to be calm and understanding. I put 'fix my marriage' first. We even went on a date that night and slept in the same bed (no sex but I did give him a peck on the lips goodnight).
- The next day it felt as though the last week had just been a bad dream. He seemed to have become his old self. I felt: What the fuck? I haven't actually really let myself think about what he has done or get really cross. He seems to be having it too easy.
-The next day I made myself read the over 800 emails that went between the two of them. Pornographic in nature. The rage that I had been missing finally arrived.I left and stayed with my friend again.
- The feeling that I wanted to fix my marriage was for the first time being replaced by a sense that maybe I really didn't want to be with this man. I told him that.
-I went to the sexual health clinic. The humiliation of sitting with a bunch of men all cupping their balls while they glanced at me wondering why I was there, having someone take swabs and bloods to check for a huge range of STDS - well that didn't help the way I was feeling about my husband.
Since then it has been very hard. We are living in the same house but in separate bedrooms. We are speaking but only about mundane matters like what time to pick the kids up. I have arranged to go abroad on Monday to see my family for a week. They know all about it and have been massively supportive. I am going to use the time to try figure out my thoughts on it all.
Ultimately I think I will try to work on my marriage but we have a long, long path to walk. There are continual triggers that make me think of the words they shared with each other.
My advice is to try get away from him - whether it's him going or you. Do talk about it first though. Just going away in a bubble doesn't help move you forward - just postponing the inevitable. Get as much info about the affair as you can so that you can really absorb it and feel the hurt and anger. I truly believe you need to before you can move forward. Read Shirley Glass's book Not Just Friends. Do not blame yourself for this. As the book says: Contributing to a failing marriage is not the same as causing infidelity. Love yourself. Get friends in for support (only tell friends who will be supportive of your marriage rather than judgemental, that way if you decide you do want to work at it, you have support).
Good luck and sending lots of love your way.
x
