I've joined the merry throng

[Clichecliche]

It's complicated. But also very simple. DH has been unfaithful. Still an ongoing EA but now I've discovered it
I've NC. We have 3 kids
Bloody hell

[something2say]

Op be careful.

You sound to me like his enabler. Do you think he fancies you? What he knows is true inside, you put a fake lid on, but he slinks away still holding as true...how are you going to rebuild a marriage like that ?

And the over eating equals denial......which is what I think you are doing with his revelation. Stuffing it all back down to make it go away.

[ageofgrandillusion]

Spot on something2say. Not being disrespectful but you sound more like his mother than his partner OP.

[something2say]

Yes and if you want him to see you as a sexy woman, let him stand on his own two feet more, and fall off them if needs be. X. If he is not man enough, them you faking it to make it will only lead to my old variable....how many years will you waste and how much damage will be done in the meantime? Choose what your life is worth cx

[Vivacia]

I agree, don't rush in to any decisions. This doesn't sound like a woman describing a partner she respects and loves.

(I have two thoughts about the marathon running. Firstly, you're mad. Secondly, I think it's a great idea).

[Clichecliche]

He has realised since his breakdown and since Friday (was it really just 2 days ago) that I am not the enemy and not what he'd painted me as. He is desperate to get me back. It seems genuine. Has he realised it too late? I don't know. Time will tell. But I am sexy and he doesn't see that others do/will. It's more about whether I can see him as sexy again. He truly was different before he first got ill.
I am not his mother. I will not enable or protect any more. He has had occasional flashes the past few weeks of the old him and he's lovely when he's like that. More of the man I married please or I won't stay married to him.

All well and good. That is what I know. What I feel is broken, dirty and ashamed

[MadAboutHotChoc]

You are only 50% responsible for the relationship - his affair, moods and selfish behaviour are 100% his responsibility. Also we are only responsible for our own happiness - its down to us to ensure that we are living a life that makes us happy so he is outrageous when he blames you for his issues.

You may want to read this excellent article by Pittman, a well known expert in the field of infidelity to see if you recognise your H in it....

[Clichecliche]

To be fair. He is not blaming me now. He did on Friday when i found him out but not now. He blamed me to allow him to do it. He seems authentic. He seems genuinely remorseful. Time will tell.
I'm blaming me in my heart but in my head I know it was his choice every single time he saw her and talked to her and fucked her.

[Vivacia]

God, what an awful time for you CC.

He seems genuinely remorseful. Time will tell.

What actions do you need to see from him?

[Clichecliche]

First thing - STI check
Then start the course he has applied for and ace it
Go out and try to get some paid work
Allow me absolute access to his phone and where he is when (I was a bit wary about asking for this as he has always seen himself as a bit of a lone wolf - load of bollocks). He actually suggested it
No longer go swimming during the hours she might go (she has off peak membership only and has her own kids to get to school so he only goes 6-9)
Make plans and start the process of getting our home ready for sale

For starters

[Clichecliche]

I have heard him say stuff today I wish he'd said year ago
One example - if I'm not happy about where I am then I need to take steps day by day to get to where I want to be

FFS I've been trying to get him to understand that for years. I wish he hadnt had to destroy me to realise that he had those options all along
Asshole

[MadAboutHotChoc]

I suspect he knew all along that only he has these options - it suited more to be the selfish teenager, wallowing in self pity, blaming everyone else/everything and not taking responsibility for his own life.

For him, it is probably much more thrilling using the buzz of an affair as a way of self medicating.

He so needs to get therapy and take a long hard look at himself to find out why he chose to behave the way he did and how he can address his issues and traits.

[lemonstartree]

My only fault has been to not address the life that's developed and the roles we've been in before now

please don't blame yourself for this. It is so easy to look back and be 'wise' with hindsight, but when exactly 'should' you have addressed this? after his first breakdown? when you moved ? when DD2 was born? And how exactly 'should' you have done it ? I expect any attempt to shift the status quo would have been met with serious stonewalling /sulking/ stropping /blaming. You have tried SO hard to manage everything - because everything NEEDS to be managed and no-one else was helping.

Yes it needs to change and cannot carry on like this - not least because you will lose all respect for him if he does not 'man up' ; but please be kind to yourself. You have done everything and more to support your whole family... that's not something to be ashamed of.

He should be ashamed that he fucked another woman, that he betrayed you and that he has abdicated his responsibilities for such a long time. Yes, in due course you probably need to look (as a couple) about why this happened - what character traits in both of you allowed that situation to develop and continue. But for now, I agree he needs to prove hes worth forgiving

strength and courage and

[ageofgrandillusion]

He doesnt need therapy hotchic. He needs somebody to tell him he is a self centred, childish, selfish cunt. Let's not over-complicate matters.

[lemonstartree]

But where do you go form there Age?

This man has behaved very badly - but the OP loves him and he is the father of her children. She has expressed a wish (at the moment) to try and move forwards. The (D)H has expressed remorse and so presumably does not want to be a self centered, childish, selfish c**t - might he (both of them) need some help to change the patterns of the last few years?

[Clichecliche]

While I'm not averse to therapy and he has done a fair bit over the years and his childhood was shit. But the last thing he needs right now is an excuse to sit and navel gaze about why he is where he is. He needs to get off his arse and work bloody hard to win me back and save his family.
We both know why he has control and trust issues. Why he finds it easy to keep secrets. Why he sees himself as a victim.
But he's a grown up now and he has to stop acting like a child and that means throwing about childish damaging habits. His choice. His responsibility.

If anyone wonders - this is what a child learns when they live with violence against their mother and then against them. Don't tell your father in case... Don't allow anyone too close because they will destroy you... Don't see yourself as in charge of your destiny because you're just a frightened child being knocked unconscious by someone who's meant to love you while your shit runs down your legs

[Clichecliche]

We went out for a walk with the dds and then for a lunch in an attempt to act normally like a normal Sunday and a normal family. It was horrible for me. I just want to lie down and weep but dd1 is 12 and is aware I'm not great. She asked me if I was pregnant. I am not good at pregnancy hence the 9 year gap. Pregnancy would have felt like a disaster a week ago. God.
I'm so so so so sad

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

I think you need to tell your DD something of what is going on.

You can't keep pretending that everything is OK.

[Clichecliche]

How can I?
She adores her dad
She's a naive little 12 year old. It would break her heart
She's out a lot. We just have to avoid situations when I can't get away when I need to like cafes with her for a while
We can call it economising

[Clichecliche]

madabouthotchoc. Yes he's emotionally retarded. Has anyone read the Pittman book? Any great insights in it?

I'm not overeating. I'm not stuffing it down. It's out. I've been doing so for months even though I didn't know what I was stuffing down.
Which is something

[Trigglesx]

First of all, please have a care about tossing the "retarded" word around. "Emotionally stunted" gets your point across without offending anyone (I think). Just saying.

Secondly, you don't have to tell your DD EVERYTHING, just tell her that you and Daddy are struggling a bit at the moment or that you've had some issues that you're working through right now. A 12yo should be able to understand that. She may be worried, but probably far less worried if you speak to her and reassure her that you're still there for her than if you say nothing at all. She is obviously noticing the tense atmosphere.

[Clichecliche]

Was just using the term in the article I was linked. Not one I'd use normally.
Calmer now. Really need a run. Why did I have to find out when I have a bitch of a cold and can't run. I've never needed the pain in my legs and my chest when I tackle a hill like I do now.

[lemonstartree]

It must be so hard. I imagine you are not able to think about anything else, which is emotionally exhausting and very draining.

[Clichecliche]

I close my eyes, I imagine him with her
I see my face in the mirror, I think - that woman's husband was unfaithful
I'm trying to rest and my stomach hurts. Is it an STI?
All I can think of.
Yes. Exactly

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Fair point OP - didn't realise he has already been in therapy lots of time. How come he does not seem to have much of an insight into himself though?

Anyway, if you decide that you want him back, then it is always good to look at how to resolve issues like roles, changing habits/patterns of behaviour etc. But all that can wait until you both are ready for couples counselling, ideally in at least a few months time.

I can identify with how shit you must be feeling - definitely the worse thing I've ever been through and that includes bereavement all you can do is take one day at a time...

[Clichecliche]

Thanks
He does have insight. He has just not translated it into action. Now is IMO the time for action