I've joined the merry throng

[Clichecliche]

It's complicated. But also very simple. DH has been unfaithful. Still an ongoing EA but now I've discovered it
I've NC. We have 3 kids
Bloody hell

[Clichecliche]

I ate cheese on toast at lunch which tasted like nothing and sits heavily in my stomach. I've been watching and rewatching the Emma Thompson scene in Love Actually. We've talked again. He's genuinely distraught by the realisation of what he's done. I won't send him away because it'd be easier for him to sit in a grotty B&B drinking whisky than being at home facing things and keeping life ticking on for the DCs. I'm going to see my friend at about 6
I am still in shock and no doubt will be for a while. I have no idea what the future holds for me but I am being authentic with him and I will continue to be authentic.
Any more advice? How do I survive the next few days apart from just putting one foot in front of another.

[lemonstartree]

can you take some time off? do you want to? what about some couples counseling? do you think there are deep issues around him not working that may have contributed to this? What does he expect to happen?? want to happen? does anyone else know - seen him and OW together?

[Clichecliche]

Very few people know. A friend of his he confided and maybe his wife. My friend I'm going to see tonight. A friend of mind in US and one in London (I live a bit away from her)
I can't take time off as I was off most of the summer kindly paid even though it didn't really have to be - my colleagues are great. That time off was his illness brought on not by me but by his conflict due to his sordid affair. He has a lot of making up to do. There are deep issues. We know what they are but he's always been a bit loath to talk and I've just got on with things. No more. He knows that any hope of a future with me requires 100% honesty.
He definitely wants me and our family in that order it seems. He doesn't want her. Stupid fuck for putting it all on the line.
We shall see but from everything I read I can maybe get past this but it's by no means guaranteed and will take years.

[Clichecliche]

And he needs to get some paid work ASAP. No more excuses. He has a vague plan re career development. Not easy after years off with illness and being sahd. He needs to get off his arse and do it.
And we've neglected us. But I'm the one who does a lot of organising of the family. I've told him he can ask me out on dates but he needs to organise it including the babysitters. He can organise assignations with his ex tart so he can organise time with me.

[Xenadog]

OP I am terribly sorry you are going through this. I don't know what would be useful to say other than if you both want to work through this I believe you can but maybe at some point when you are ready it would be worth having some sort of relationship counselling?

You must still be in shock so I suggest you don't make any decisions about your future yet. If he can't move out then make sure you are looked after by friends/family and don't isolate yourself from people who care about you in RL. You need as much support as possible.

[Vivacia]

He definitely wants me and our family in that order it seems. He doesn't want her.

I wouldn't lose sight, just yet, that they haven't been his priorities throughout the affair though.

[FrancescaBell]

Frankly, where on earth would you have had the time to tend to this relationship? It sounds like he left everything about the way your life was organised to you. I don't know any SAHMs whose husbands do all the family organising, or whose husbands think it's their responsibility to put the romance back into their lives. It still feels like you're taking way too much responsibility for what was going on in your relationship, just because you're the woman and mother.

I'm guessing you're still in too much shock to feel rage, but I'm feeling it for you. You put him first and your job/only source of income second to tend to his entirely self-induced 'breakdown' and he still didn't end the affair?

Words come cheap. He wasn't sobbing and feeling wracked by guilt before you found out. Stressed? Yeh, maybe. Don't confuse guilt and feeling bad about what he was doing to you, with stress though.

FWIW I understand why you haven't booted him out. You'd get left with all the shitwork if you did while this extremely self-indulgent man nursed his sorrows and felt bad for himself not you.

Don't make any decisions yet. Don't suggest he arranges couple time either. You see time and time again these threads where the adulterer gets to go on nice cosy weekends away with his wife and it's so galling.

[Vivacia]

Don't make any decisions yet. Don't suggest he arranges couple time either. You see time and time again these threads where the adulterer gets to go on nice cosy weekends away with his wife and it's so galling.

Especially when the wife is in pieces a month later.

[Clichecliche]

I'm thinking about a night out at the cinema or something. Weekends away are a long way down the track.
The words are there which is a start but the actions have to follow.
We will see

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Excellent advice on here (as usual). I would also get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends...it helped so many of us enormously.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Sorry missed your post that you have already downloaded the book.

Do not make any long term decisions yet - you will keep changing your mind as your process your thoughts and feelings.

[lemonstartree]

I hope you can get some rest tonight. It will take some time to process your feelings about all this, as some one else said up-thread, at some point the anger will start. You can't rationalize what you feel, though you may try.... and your feelings need to be acknowledged for you to be able to move forward.

[Clichecliche]

I know. Tonight I feel so jealous
He's mine
He gave her the intimacy that was promised to me forever. I am sickened by jealousy
I'm also scared that he will contact her again. Although he can't easily as she's just moved house, he's deleted her contact details from his phone and changed his phone number. But this is a small town. He will bump into her.
I texted her last night to tell her to back off or I'd tell her husband. She didn't reply or make any attempt to contact him this morning. If she texts his old number she will now get no reply and he won't get the text
But I'm scared
Did he ever say that he loved her? Did/does he love her?
But I'm otherwise ok
Whatever that means

[Clichecliche]

Wide awake
Friend tonight was great. Genuinely astounded as didn't see him and us as the sort of couple this happens to. And she's not naive so I guess I'm not a complete fool
She thinks we can get through it
But she didn't judge
I know he sounds dreadful on here and what he's done is dreadful but he never used to be so disengaged and weak and absent. If he does what he says he's going to do - take genuine responsibility in our marriage and our home and in our family...
He did once before. In fact for more than 10 years of our marriage he was a true equal partner.
He has to be that again
If we downsize and sort the finances then my plan b will still mean I will be ok even without him and dd2 will be at school next year. I could manage without him
He will only be part of us if he earns it

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

It's absolutely shocking that he let you take time off work to care for him after his "breakdown" and went off to shag his mistress.

That shows a lack of respect and love for you that will be very hard to overcome.

I mean, you don't go from treating someone that badly to actually giving a tiny fuck about them.

[Clichecliche]

Yes. That's one of the things that will be hard to get over
He was genuinely ill though. Not an excuse. But you don't get admitted to hospital or detained under mental health act unless you're sick. Not an excuse. But a fact
I'm not just throwing him out. But there are so many examples of things where he has just not manned the fuck up and got on with it. That changes now or he will be out. And if he takes the same pathetic response to being chucked out that he has to challenges he will probably be dead in a year. He has insulin dependent diabetes so drinking himself into oblivion won't take long to have an impact. He's not threatening that. I just know if be self destructs it will be serious. He's drifted on since his first breakdown 7 years ago and played the victim and resented me and now betrayed me instead of facing that shit happens and life's what you make it. But before he got sick he was dynamic and worked hard - held two jobs and during the whole pre credit crunch property crash he did a bit of property development on the side which is why we have such a big and bloody expensive house now. What happened to that man? He was a good man then.
I will accept nothing more than a return to a genuine equal partner who works as hard at raising our family and earning money and organising our lives as I am. Because there's no doubt I can cope without him. And he knows it. Can he do that? I think he can. Will he? I don't know.
But he won't get back into my bed and my heart unless he does. I'm not going to be his mother effectively any more. Because he's just been a lazy rebellious unempathetic teenager and I forgive ds for that but he's 15 not 45. He's been fucking obsessed with how I have the power because I earn the money and run the house. But he's completed absented himself from any real attempt to do either.
This is about so much more than fucking some trollop.
My only fault has been to not address the life that's developed and the roles we've been in before now
Now don't get me wrong he's not been a stroppy child all the time. He's gone through phases of being more dynamic. He can be so much fun. He's a very hands on dad. And I know women say that on here when they mean he's changed about 2 nappies a year. But he has been sahd with dd2 and he takes her out for adventures and does amazing craft work projects and painting at home. He almost always does bath and story and bed. He's a very indulgent dads taxi for dd1. He engages with ds on politics and economics and political conspiracy theories (ds is quite the eccentric intellectual). The kids adore him. He does the washing and cleans kitchens and bathrooms and shopping when he's in reasonable form. Until he gets into a fucking brooding and mood and then he's back into stroppy child mode.
The stroppy child is never coming back now. Or he's out. He tells me he's got into negative moods because of stuff I've done and how he resents the power I have. The power to work myself stupid. Some power
The funny thing is I now have more power than I've ever had. I have reduced my hours at work - spoke to a manager yesterday. I'm going to spend time on me and make plans for me. I'm not manipulating him. I've told him the terms of him staying and that even then there's no guarantee I will forgive him.
But he knows I'm serious. Man the fuck up or fuck the fuck off.

[Vivacia]

I think you're right about how the situation in your relationship is more than the affair (his moods, your respective roles etc). I'm not sure how you proceed when things are so complicated, but I think that there are complications. I'm not sure how you deal with the affair whilst wanting to punish(?) him for his strops. Do you see what I'm getting at? I really think that counselling would help you both, perhaps alone and then as a couple. However. I agree with the general advice in this situation. Don't rush in to any decisions or plans of action at this early stage.

[Trigglesx]

He tells me he's got into negative moods because of stuff I've done and how he resents the power I have.

This is stroppy teenager as well. He's blaming you living your life for his "negative moods"?!?!?! Ridiculous. He (and nobody else) is responsible for his moods.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

That was exactly the same sentence that jumped out at me.

The POWER you have?

More like the fucking responsibility you have to keep the whole show on the road while he carries on like a child inflicting his moods on everyone and sneaking off to see his girlfriend behind your back.

It's hard to see how this guy could ever deserve you again.

But you seem to have a very good handle on what has been happening, and it makes sense not to throw in the towel just yet.

But god, the self-pity might be the end of me. I don't know how you can listen to it without wanting to kill him.

Good luck, Cliche. Not that I think you'll need it. However this shakes out in the end, I think you'll be fine :)

[Clichecliche]

The self pity has been such a feature ever since he got sick in 2006. Ok it's shit have 2 chronic illnesses in your 30s. But life is shit. Get over yourself.
No more self pity is allowed
I know I will be ok
Counselling may well happen but it's too early and I'm plenty aware what needs to happen first
Like I said he has a lot of making up to do and not just for shagging a pathetic scrawny old bitch

[Clichecliche]

I don't want to punish him for his strops. Yet
Anger hasn't hit me but it will
I don't want to punish him for his affair even. Right now he's suddenly aware of how pathetic he's been and how much he's hurt the one person who's the best thing he has ever had or could ever have. He needs to stay in touch with that awareness 24/7. No more woe is fucking me
I run. It's my thing. I did my first marathon last spring and the time spent training while I was working long hours (as jan to march is a busy time at work) was blamed my him for his breakdown. Fucker. Way to give me guilt. Fucker
I promised him I wouldn't run a spring marathon again
I've changed my mind. I'm going to train with my lovely friend I saw last night and do a marathon in April. If he doesn't like it then tough shift. In fact I might train to do an ultra. (A mara and a half ie 39.3 miles)
Fucker

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Wow, I would want to punish the fuck out of him.

He blamed his breakdown on you?

Even though he was fucking someone else at the time?

The absolute shite!

Do you think you will ever fancy him again?

The whole "poor me, waaa, waaa, you have all the power and I just had to take a lover and have a breakdown to get some attention" would make me despise him, I think.

[Clichecliche]

I just don't know
Lots of talk this weekend
He did blame me - bastard. Can I forgive that? The shagging is easier to forgive.
I'm not angry yet but imagine I will be

Now the time for action approaches. At least he's aware of what is required.

[ageofgrandillusion]

Let me get this straight OP - he is too ill to work, he has you running around like a blue arsed fly while he just mopes around, occasionally sneaking off to shag his OW, he has given you an STD, he has lied out of his arse re affair.
He's not really bringing much to the party is he? Have you considered that there just might be a better catch out there?

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

I wouldn't bother thinking about whether you can forgive him yet.

Let's see whether he can turn himself into someone worth forgiving first.

Right now he's not worth the pain.

Turn off the support, let him get himself a job and get back some of the "power" he so resents you for having.

Then see what you're looking at.