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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I've joined the merry throng

206 replies

Clichecliche · 14/09/2013 00:05

It's complicated. But also very simple. DH has been unfaithful. Still an ongoing EA but now I've discovered it
I've NC. We have 3 kids
Bloody hell

OP posts:

Report

MadAboutHotChoc · 16/09/2013 17:49

Re details about sex - everyone is different but I needed to know who initiated the sex, where & when and what they did that could be classed as risky (e,g anal).

For me, it was/is the emotional intimacy, secrecy and deceit that hurt me far more than the sexual stuff. I was most angry about being made a fool of and that the past several months or so was made a complete farce - nothing was real.

Clichecliche · 16/09/2013 19:04

Trickle truth
She told him her husband and her no longer have sex. Which I doubt is true
I bloody hope it is though on account her husband is bisexual
Great

OP posts:

lemonstartree · 16/09/2013 19:25

she may have TOLD your H this, whether its true or not is entirely another matter. what a crap thing to have to deal with

Trigglesx · 16/09/2013 19:36

Unfortunately, he could have told her all sorts of things about you as well - things that are not true. It's shitty alright.

Clichecliche · 16/09/2013 19:54

Indeed
I stupidly phoned her to see if she's had an HIV test

Cue screaming match. All this crap about their special connection. Horrid. Hysterical. I've lost the moral high ground a touch

OP posts:

ModeratelyObvious · 16/09/2013 20:02

You haven't lost the moral high ground at all.

saferniche · 16/09/2013 20:30

not at all.

lemonstartree · 16/09/2013 21:27

Not at all; you are not the one who broke your marriage vows and fucked another woman's husband. 'special connection' my arse; skulking around getting her excitement from betraying her husband is about all specialness she had.

don't waste another thought on her

Clichecliche · 16/09/2013 23:34

I feel sorry for her. She's a total disaster. I called her on her weaknesses. I made him tell her he won't see her again and never loved her. I was vicious. She texted me to apologise. I am not vindictive but I was downright cruel. Deliberately sought to do as much damage as possible.
She has kids. Ok she should have thought of that but I don't want to hurt the kids and destroying her would. And of course it being a small town I know the kids

Anyway. Me and DH are talking and talking and talking. I've been reading about hysterical bonding. I want to shag his bloody brains out. He says no. Not healthy. We need to ensure we are clean and then build up our intimacy slowly.
Great now he discovers sexual boundaries.

OP posts:

ModeratelyObvious · 16/09/2013 23:45

Cliche, you might want to Advanced Search WhenWillIFeelNormal (WWIFN) - she and her H did reconcile after a lot of work - and she had sex during that time.

Wellwobbly · 17/09/2013 07:09

Ciche, about that special connection?

Get Mr Lover to ring her up. On speakerphone. With you in the room. He has to talk to her, and you need to listen to what he says.

Put this BS to bed.

Clichecliche · 17/09/2013 07:17

He did with me in the room, not on speaker phone tell her they couldn't see each other again and that he'd never lived her
I have deleted her number off both our phones. Actually he did off his and he had changed his number so there is no way he or I can phone her again.
His statements to her were not what i would have wanted but they will have to do. He hesitated before saying he never loved her. He said "we can't see each other" as opposed to "I don't want to see you"
But she's not contactable by me. She has moved but he's knows approximately where to. I'm still scared he will go to see her :(

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfellows · 17/09/2013 09:18

He won't have sex with you?

Wellwobbly · 17/09/2013 09:37

Sorry Cliche he loved her and is still bonded to her. I lived this too.

You get to a stage where you really do understand it isn't about you, and you do deserve better.

Clichecliche · 17/09/2013 09:52

I'm trying to accept it. I really am
But I'm sure he loves me
This is so painful

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfellows · 17/09/2013 11:57

I think his refusal to have sex with you is really horrible of him.

It's the first thing you've said that makes me doubt whether he loves you as anything other than somebody to look after him.

Or maybe he's enjoying the power it gives him to reject you sexually at a time like this.

Whatever it is, it's not good.

Why are you impressed with his "sexual boundaries"?

The problem you have is that he didn't maintain the appropriate boundaries WITH OTHER WOMEN but erected boundaries between you.

And it appears he's still keeping you at arms length, even now.

To have hurt you in this way and still be saying he won't have sex with you until x,y,z has been completed is absolutely outrageous behaviour on his part.

If you feel that having sex again would help you feel better (even temporarily) and help you to bond with him, then if he loves you and wants to rebuild your relationship, WHY IS HE SAYING NO?

It's not appropriate sexual boundaries, that's for bloody sure.

Clichecliche · 17/09/2013 13:14

No. I have given the completely wrong impression
It's appropriate. No sex until both checked out STI wise. I agree with him. He's got an appointment and so do I. He is holding me and caressing me and kissing me. I'm impressed by his resolve even though he very obviously wants to. I would have last night definitely.
We could use protection but nothing is 100%
I think it is a sign of respecting me although a bit late :(
But I'm looking forward to getting the appointments out of the way

OP posts:

Vivacia · 17/09/2013 13:17

What do you think about that term people talk about on here, "hysterical bonding"?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 17/09/2013 13:31

Given that you have already had sex with him since he shagged his mistress, there is no sense at all in not having sex until you are both (BOTH? Really? So he needs to see your clean bill of health? Where does he think your risk comes from other than him?) tested.

You could easily have sex with a condom if he wanted to.

I think he's using these new found "boundaries" as a way of punishing you for your power in the relationship again.

He's the one who gets to say when you to can resume your sex life?

I wouldn't be happy with that AT ALL.

Vivacia · 17/09/2013 13:33

I think the OP's right to get tested and to abstain from sex (although for other reasons).

However, I agree that his disinclination is suspect.

Clichecliche · 17/09/2013 14:34

I need an STI check because I've had pain and discharge
But I'm only infected by them if I am
And potentially by her DH

He doesn't need to see my results. Obviously.
His appointment is after mine
But we will be making love tonight, safely and without full penetration.
And it may well be hysterical bonding but that's part of it. Right? I am going with how I feel and bring authentic and honest with him. And he's doing the same. I hope and am trying to believe that he is.
He's staying away from our home town the whole time I'm at work and he doesn't have the kids. He's going out of his way to avoid places he might see her.
But I'm worried that after my rant she will be "worried about him" and seek him out. And the connection isn't fully severed.
Is closure necessary?

OP posts:

Trigglesx · 17/09/2013 14:55

Be careful how much power you hand back to him - it's his currency. It does sound a bit like he was hedging during the phone conversation you listened to.

Something to ponder.... he is capable of abstaining with you, but was apparently incapable of abstaining with her.

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JoinYourPlayfellows · 17/09/2013 14:58

"And it may well be hysterical bonding but that's part of it. Right? I am going with how I feel"

I think that's right.

But I'm concerned that he is putting brakes on that.

If you feel ready to make love with him and he is holding back, then that is really bad news.

I also don't really understand the need for him to go to such great lengths to stay out of your home town for fear of running into her.

It's as though if he be in the same town without your presence he would be forced into her arms.

MadAboutHotChoc · 17/09/2013 15:05

The problem with hysterical bonding is that the betrayed party often feel worse, not better afterwards. Especially if things are still so uncertain and ambivalent.

He may not have infected you yet and if he has a STI (he won't get all the results for a few weeks) he can still infect you the next time you make love (and a condom does not offer 100% protection).

MadAboutHotChoc · 17/09/2013 15:07

Something to ponder.... he is capable of abstaining with you, but was apparently incapable of abstaining with her

And probably still IS incapable given his fears of running into her and your fears that he still has feelings for her...

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