Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 26

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

at him not you thats!

not sure what to say, really. I was able to leave. I was still damaged to the core.

Prostitution is abuse, in my opinion, it is not freely given consent, consent is bought. I do not buy arguments about women's agency, if the economic playing field is not level. But regardless, marriage should not be about prostitution, anyway thats

He earns the money, do you stay home and look after dcs, keep the house etc? The fact that you do that enables him to go out and work without employing a housekeeper and a nanny. Your domestic labour enables his paid labour, that is how it works. He does not keep you as a concubine. Now even if he worked, employed a housekeeper and a nanny, and the sum total of your responsibility was to polish your nails, this would still not entitle him to have sex if you do not wish it.

It is very, very hard to disentangle sexual and emotional abuse, emotional abuse attacks your integrity, your identity, your being, so it is far harder to exercise autonomy over your body.

I think I need to stop here now.

Mink just a quick note to say that I personally am so SO glad that you did kick ex into touch. I know it hasn't always been easy but to you for finding the courage, inspiring. I hope I will soon be in a similar position. Must go. Am typing in front of H and guests, tempting fate as I don't want him to look over my shoulder

meant to say Mink your ex. What a total, utter d*ckhead!

Is that a distressing thread? Seemed a good question to me, till I read through the replies. And I have no SA background. WTF's wrong with me? More stuff to unravel when I have the time and space to work through it...

Thanks for the supportive comments. I went to bed last night wondering how I should explain what's going on to the dcs. How to explain what I don't fully understand myself, to children, who have an ongoing relationship with FW which I don't want to damage - seemed quite a challenge.

Today, one of them asked me again why I was doing it. I told them what I'd thought up last night: "When I was with Daddy, being with him was making me stressed and unhappy." ("Why?" she asked. "Grown-up stuff and stuff that happens in marriages, which it's hard for children to understand," I said.) "But now when I am away from him, I feel happier and more relaxed and I can do the things I want to do now."

Apart from not winning any prizes for eloquence, do you think I hit the right sort of note?

I don't know if that's too vague or bland to be helpful, but I don't want to say anything too specific which, if reported on to him, could be twisted and denied.

I've been reading ch 3 sexual controller in Living With The Dominator. It was an utterly depressing experience. That thread of toast's is so sad. What on earth is the matter with these 'men'?

Hi Kirsty and welcome to this sorry place. Actually we have a great bunch of survivors here and much laughing and hand holding.

My ex was a Water Torturer and a Mr Sensitive IIRC. I gave my Lundy book away to a MN soul in need so can't reread.

I still wrack my brains trying to decide whether I was really in an EA marriage for 28 years... but then I remember things when reading other threads like the non consensual sex where I cried all the way through and FW ignored my distress. For me that was the point when I decided to leave as it was so blatantly over the line there was no doubt.

Charlotte that sound just fine. I said something similar to my DC and added that I wasn't going to say nasty things about their DF and that we both loved them very much and would still be their parents even if we didn't live together.

MY DC have all noticed how relaxed and jolly I am these days and how I am getting on better with my DSis and DBs and DPs. I think FW had isolated me subtly and I hadn't even noticed.

charlotte dt1 is still asking me why me and FW cannot get back together. I have tried saying it is grown up stuff but she is too young to understand. what they really want I think is too see him more but not be on their own with him because although he can be quite fun when he is in the mood he is not very good at remembering the basics.

but otoh they are happier/more settled. and I am hanging on to what dsd said about being glad her parents were not together.

you know it is the right thing. but dcs have the same issue they do. they maybe don't like either of the choices they are being presented with, what they actually want, two parents who are happy together is not on the menu and that is harder for them to reconcile being kids than it is for us. but they will see it with hindsight. and when they look back they will be glad. you are showing them the right thing to do

bounty are you ok? not seen you about for a few days.

rose you too, are you ok? sorry I was not about last night. I hope you found someone to talk to.

fi thinking of you (((hugs)))

and to all the other vixens (it is a holiday here tomorrow )

Will catch up with the rest of the thread in a bit but just read Minks link to the SA thread and it made my blood run cold. This is exactly what FW does to me. Hes currently angry with me as he cooked a big roast yesterday and I didnt put out for him afterwards. Sex with him makes me feel sick now - he just talks about his fantasies- mostly about me and another woman while he watches. Boak.

Back later to catch up with you all.

Mink, thank you - very helpful post. I think my dcs will be similar - they like being with him but wish I was there too. Fun but doesn't remember basics - quite.

Rose, hope you're ok. Hey, is it one more week now?

nini you can say no too. no one owes someone sex. especially not for doing the cooking
do you get anything for doing the cooking? I barely got a thank you. i certainly did not get the use of some one else's body!

Don't ever let the bastards make you feel guilty for saying no.

I am sure poor toast feels like people are angry with her for thinking about doing this when in fact they are furious she is in this position in this day and age. imagine having to 'pay' someone to be nice to their own children. or for cooking a roast that they no doubt ate themselves. or just to get them to STFU and leave you in peace.

i really detest FWs today. the whole damn entitled lot of them.

I am.pretty sure we have all 'put up with it' or just got it over with at some point

i do actually believe that sex is part of a normal loving rs btw and that sometimes we have to make the effort for the one we love even though we may not immediately feel like it...in the same way that you have to make the effort to go to the gym or whatever and feel better afterwards.

But an abusive relationship is not a normal loving rs. If they are implying you owe them and are mote interested in whether or not you actually want to have sex then it is not about mutual enjoyment or love it is about marking their territory and showing that they own you. boak.

I do say no, Mink, which is why he gets angry. We're back to the same stomping around, face like a slapped arse etc etc. He's gone back to the whole thing he has of knocking my things around (the the nail varnishes on top of my dresser), low key stuff but deliberate enough for me to notice.

Last night when we got into bed my sister started texting me about our sick uncle (who is going to have to give up his dogs, the loves of his life) and while I was texting her he leaned right over my shoulder to stick his face in my phone. I asked him what he was doing and he said aggressively - "Seeing who you're talking to." I told him it was none of his business who I was talking to and he said "You give that phone more attention than you do me" in a pointed kind of way. Sigh.

Greetings Kirsty. I hope you find some solace here. I too am with a water-torturer and its the pits.

Rose, can you let us know that you're ok?

Nini I get told off for 'social networking' on my phone all the time. My work is about online communities (not this one!) which he knows... And even if it wasnt I have work e-mails to look at too, not just him :(

Demanding attention when HE wants it, even though he regularly ignores me when I try to talk to him about my work...

Hi nini hope your ok. It's lovely meeting people who understand - although obviously I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's hard reading what others are going through and it kind of puts my experience into perspective somewhat. Yes my H behaviour can be extremely distressing, and sometimes I feel like walking away cos he'l never change, but he doesn't seem as bad as a lot of EA on here. He doesn't call me names or do anything openly aggressive. I'm hoping this is a good thing for us!

Sorry nini didn't mean to doubt patronising.
Just venting about this web of obligation they try to weave. And i know it is easier to suggest that people say no than it is to live with the consequences of saying no.

What annoys me more than anything is that they think they are hard done to. they are the victims. Fws.

Hope you will be free soon nini

Hi everyone
I'm not sure I should be on here as I'm not with my FW anymore but the effects are still there. I'm not sure that'll ever go the way I've been feeling the last couple of days. At the moment I'm feeling heartbroken again and I thought that had gone . I just feel so alone now my son has gone, I do see friends but can't be doing that all the time as they have their families

There's practically nothing going on where I live as its a small market town. I made a major mistake in trying online dating just to get out. Had a date on Friday and he emailed asking for another date sent me his number. Then when I sent him mine he seemed to back off and never arranged an evening for this week. Even though Saturday he text saying if I'd let him know I was back from my friends we could've met up in town. Anyway he just txt saying a woman had asked him to enter into a relationship and he was giving it a go. Bloody quick turnaround. I just feel rejected on so many fronts that I can't take anymore. I feel like I'm not even going to bother trying with men ever. I shouldn't have gone anyway it was way too soon to get rejected again. I wasn't expecting anything but it still feels like a rejection. Hand holding please

hands.
many frogs need kissing before the prince arrives.

Anyway...I tend to agree, building ourselves up before another relationship can;t be bad

BTW I am 2 years out and far from free...you're in absolutely the right place.

Sorry to just just jump in - fwittery raining down on me. Someone must be getting rattled by not getting thier own way - but his sol is fanning flames and trying to get into side discussions outside of court directed things that are taking place in time for the first hearing. As with FW's usual actions, everything he has had to do is a drama and I am being informed about them all the time and changes to them and this all costs me and he is on legal iad - sorry this sounds jumbled but not sure what to do - it does not feel right to me - for now I am being silent.

not first hearing the next hearing - you can seen im not thinking straight

Ask your solicitor to only inform you of things that you need to answer/ that affect you directly now. All other letters/emails can be bundled up and given to you for completeness at a later date. If he/she can;t or won;t do this then consider whether there is another person who can field them for you. It won;t help the finances but it will help your head.

FWs often find Fwittish legals.........birds of a feather flock together.

grit your teeth and hang on...the ride is bumpy but it's the route to freedom

PS with you in spirit and in actuality as my FW has teemed up with a bully sol and is taking me to court claiming I am a husband batterer and child abuser.............even eastenders would find it too far fetched....

Thanks Fool good advice - as always.

I am so sorry to hear what your FW is acusing you of - the thing is there is no deterent for the FW as even if proved by a court to be a FW nothing happens to them and the damage has alraedy been done to the other party which is the FW's point. the system needs to change. I just hold on to the fact that my FW does not know how I feel and as far as he is concerned I am fine as with support from you all I ignore, ignore, ignore. I am just about managing to keep my throughts on how sad it must be for him to keep thinking about me all the time even if it is about hurting me he is still thinking about me - how pathetic. Most of the time I am managing to keep going, just get so shocked the system allows this

I hope you can put an stop on your FW's latest attack on you - your poor DC, they are old enough to know what is going on - I just pray the court quickly sees what al this is doing on them. Wish someone would come and tarmac our bumpy road

Just had a mad mental picture of the tarmac machine rolling down the road with FW shaped bumps along it! That made me laugh.

Sorry your FWs are dragging you through the legal process just for the sake of it. Mine is too mean to pay his solicitor and has lost out hugely a a result! Silly arse. Agreed that FWs find FWish legals, mine has a senior partner in a prestigious firm who is clearly an Entitled Knob.