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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I told her

461 replies

Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 16:49

I have told the wife of the MM I had an affair with.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, because I know how much she is hurting. I think I wish I hadnt, but I feel that she has a right to know.

I knew it would never make me feel good to tell her, but I dont know what to do now, I wont contact her again, I just wish I hadnt hurt her, I deeply regret the affair and I need to move on, but I feel like I have caused a huge explosion and I feel so terrible about it, I dont know how to make things better..

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 18:44

No I found out about the other women 3 weeks ago

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 13/09/2013 18:44

Okay, sorry to have posted without waiting to calm down. I am still appalled at what you've done, but attacking you is not fair or helpful.

You shouldn't be texting her. You should be in your GP's office asking for a referral to a decent psychologist. None of this is the behaviour of someone who knows, likes or values themselves and walking away from this mess and trying to get yourself together so you can build a happier future is, IMO, pretty imperative so you don't mess up your own and others' lives in future.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 18:46

I didnt intend to 'use' her for anything.

I spent time trying to think of the best way to tell her, I thought ringing her was not good, because she would feel 'on the spot' and would not have a record of what I had said. If I told her my name she may have forgotten for instance.

Going around - a definite no no

Writing a letter, same as a text surely, but slower?

Thats why I chose text.

OP posts:
Wellwobbly · 13/09/2013 18:52

Hi OP, if it is any comfort I was desperate to have that text for SOMEONE to tell me what was going on.

But, you were quite happy she was in the dark whilst you were fucking her husband weren't you????

Why did you make yourself available to a married man? What was it about his pathetic story, his flirting, his declarations of love that make you decide it was OK to get involved?

What did you tell yourself that gave yourself permission?

These are the things you need to look at. I hope you get into counselling OP you need someone on your side to stop this wild spinning.

Stop drinking. Don't tell your children, for God's sake! You are the adult here, don't frighten them or burden them with this ugly sh*t.

Calm down and stop the self-loathing drama. One day at a time OP. Get some help, really you need some levelling support.

PosyNarker · 13/09/2013 18:53

OP you've behaved like an ass. You know that. You wouldn't be the first person to have their head turned and make poor choices.

Having said that, your wallowing and self pity is horrible to watch. Your pain was self-inflicted to a degree. Hers wasn't. So you get to suck it up, move on and hopefully make better choices. Banging on about your hurt is pretty unedifying given the chaos you've had a hand in causing (I won't say caused, because the biggest asshole is your ex lover).

akaWisey · 13/09/2013 18:54

Well now I have to wade in because your last post is just pretty disingenuous.

IMO you texted because it was, for you, the safest, easiest way to get the information to his DW without any immediate come-back from her.

You have avoided what you should have stayed around to hear. Her life will be in disarray now. More than yours.

Floggingmolly · 13/09/2013 18:55

Why were you busting a blood vessel about how to tell her about his other women? You were one of them!. It beggers belief that you sanctimoniously decided it would be in her best interests to know as soon as you were dropped from the witches coven.
Get some help.

GoshAnneGorilla · 13/09/2013 18:55

I am a bit baffled by some of the vitriol on here.

So the cheating husband should just be allowed to toddle on secrets intact?

I don't think it matters who tells, I don't think it matters why - the wife deserves to know.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 18:56

Its a log story as to why I thought it was 'ok' he was like a 'little boy lost' I fell for his charms and his lies, I was very down when we met and he said all the right things. I was in a bubble of happiness and I admit I didnt give anyone else a second thought. It wasnt until my bubble burst that I started to see things clearer. Things are still not completely clear and I think I rushed in to telling her.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 13/09/2013 18:57

Did you tell her about OW, OP?

Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 18:57

Flog - I was answering the question about why I texted

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 18:58

Tall - I told her my name and the name of the OW that I knew of

OP posts:
mignonette · 13/09/2013 19:00

Make no decisions of any greater importance than what to eat/wear/ over the next few days Just because none of them will be measured ones.

Leave it for now and deal w/ your fall out. You have no control over what the wife or your ex will do nor do you have any right to know or to interfere. Get yourself sorted out. Leave them alone. Delete his contact details and block him from contacting you.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2013 19:00

Who is looking after your kids while you spend hours flagelating yourself and looking for more punishment from strangers

Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 19:01

The kids are with their Dad

OP posts:
Wellwobbly · 13/09/2013 19:01

OK JWU, please calm down, dont' do anything silly like talk to your children and stop hating yourself so much.

You got played by a player. So that means you have to look at and develop stuff about yourself to stop the being played.

Thank you for telling us about your bubble of happiness and not thinking about anyone else. That makes such sense. Affairs are a fantasy, aren't they? They aren't real.

So now you know what you have to do. Get some counselling, good luck OP.

MrsPeeWee · 13/09/2013 19:06

I am just going to say it how it is!

OP, I think you're disgusting!
She deserved to know, but the way you've done it and simply for revenge is making my blood boil.

Stop playing the victim on here. Are you not realistically aware that you was having an affair with a married man? Angry I have no sympathy for you at all. - What did you expect from this scumbag? He's a liar and a cheat, did you really believe he wasn't going to do the same thing to you? Then to the current women, and the next one after that and so on?

You and scumbag was prepared to distroy this poor women's life together - he left you and you still felt the bitter need to ruin her life? You made it clear it wasn't for compassionate reasons.

I am sorry but I hope you have a tough time settling with this because it will teach you not to go near another MM and potentially help to ruin a family. I really hope MM gets a nice big chunk of karma pie.

whattodoo · 13/09/2013 19:07

How can you be sure of where she was and what she was doing when you sent the text?
I haven't read the other thread, but I hope her DC aren't old enough to read and pick up her messages if she's driving, for instance.

MissStrawberry · 13/09/2013 19:08

Why are you posting this?

you really are not a nice person. You were given a lot of good advice on the other thread. You were told why it was a bad idea all round to do it. Of course your prerogative to do what the hell you like but why come back, name change, and say you have done it anyway?

I have read your OP twice and I don't believe a word of it. I doubt very much you are at all.

I wouldn't flatter yourself that you have ruined her life. Her husband has done that, if of course her life is ruined.

Grow the fuck up and get yourself sorted out.

Thinking it is fine to shag a married man then go running to his wife when he dumps you for someone else is not the way an adult should behave.

MissStrawberry · 13/09/2013 19:11

You really are all about you you you aren't you.

Thinking she will come round and hit you. Saying you will never know how she feels. Breaking her world apart because you were pissed off he dumped you for someone less bunny boilerish.

And no, a text message was not the right way to do it. Doing nothing was the right way to do it.

CatAmongThePigeons · 13/09/2013 19:12

Didn't people on the other thread tell you not to speak to his wife?

You're attention seeking.

Wellwobbly · 13/09/2013 19:14

Listen guys, I am a wife whose life has been completely changed by the presence of an OW in my life, right down to new documents and a new tax bracket...

Mr Wobbly is paying in spades for his selfishness and so he should, and it completely galls me that OW waltzes off into the sunset without any consequences at all. She hasn't been outed, nobody knows that she would admire photos of smiling innocent children in MY HOUSE, and then go and fuck their father in one of their beds, that she would be in the background when I phoned MY HUSBAND where she could clearly hear that there were no 'problems' ... Her address hasn't changed, she doesn't have to pay anything to anyone - it completely hacks me off!!!

So, if I can show JMU some compassion, why can't you? She is fragile don't push her.

gamerchick · 13/09/2013 19:14

You didn't do it for her. You've done it because you want him to come and face you.

MrsPeeWee · 13/09/2013 19:15

MissStrawberry - Clearly, she felt the need to post again, in a different name because she's an attention seeker!

I just can't help sit here completely Shock at the fact that she is clearly fishing for sympathy! How dare she? OP, you had it coming! You had good advice on the other thread, yet you still felt the need to drag this shit around further.

What on earth are you playing at? Angry

dirtyface · 13/09/2013 19:17

no judging here OP, read your other thread too

i have been here (sort of)

and if i was her i would want to know, she has the right to know her "d" h is a cheating scumbag

and he deserves every bit of the fallout, the wanker

look after yourself x

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