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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I told her

461 replies

Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 16:49

I have told the wife of the MM I had an affair with.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, because I know how much she is hurting. I think I wish I hadnt, but I feel that she has a right to know.

I knew it would never make me feel good to tell her, but I dont know what to do now, I wont contact her again, I just wish I hadnt hurt her, I deeply regret the affair and I need to move on, but I feel like I have caused a huge explosion and I feel so terrible about it, I dont know how to make things better..

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 13/09/2013 17:20

STD clinic you say... well yes, if he's been shagging around, his wife won't know to protect herself if she remains in blissful ignorance. Suppose she's pregnant/TTC? This guy doesn't just have one mistress, he's putting it about all over the shop. Who knows what he's spreading around. One may not applaud OP's motives or method, but nevertheless, it is better for the wife to know. Even if she'd rather not.

Anniegetyourgun · 13/09/2013 17:20

Ha, my second x-post of the afternoon!

CatAmongThePigeons · 13/09/2013 17:20

What a nasty thing to do. What has has wife done to you to deserve that?

Do you enjoy the drama and upset?

Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 17:25

Sawoff, I told her in the text that I sent that I would answer any questions that she had and I will do that if she asks.

OP posts:
mummytime · 13/09/2013 17:27

I think you did the right thing for the wrong reasons.
But hopefully she now get a STI check.

I would suggest you get some counselling, as I think you partly told her to "punish" yourself. Also why you posted on here?
You need to build your self-esteem so you don't go after cheats and liars anymore.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 17:27

No I dont enjoy the drama or upset, she has done nothing to me to deserve anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 17:28

I think I may have partly done it to punish myself as well, I shouldnt have told her should i?

OP posts:
TyrannosaurusBex · 13/09/2013 17:29

You did it by text message?

Floggingmolly · 13/09/2013 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

IslaValargeone · 13/09/2013 17:30

'Told her in the text that I sent that I would answer any questions that she had'
Do you not have the slightest idea of how gloaty/provacative that sounds?

Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 17:30

Yes I did it by text. Is there a good way to do it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 17:31

I didnt mean it to sound gloaty, now I feel worse, I really didnt mean it to sound like that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 17:32

I hope it bites me on the arse as well, I dont deserve anything nice to happen to me ever again

OP posts:
fenellafudgetunnel · 13/09/2013 17:33

Hmm I don't know the backstory but I personally think you did the right thing OP. If he's a multiple philanderer and she doesn't know she's being placed at risk and she can now make an informed choice of what to do.

And frankly who HASN'T made a stupid choice at some point in their lives. We are all fallable. Beating up the OP isn't going to help. Marriage is a covered dish, as the Swiss apparently say - you never know what's going on in it and it can often have ingredients you'd never expect.

TyrannosaurusBex · 13/09/2013 17:37

Doing it by text means you have no idea where she was, what she was doing or who she was with when she read it. Good God, that poor, poor woman.

LEMisdisappointed · 13/09/2013 17:38

Im gettin a real sense of deja vu with this thread.

You wouldnt have told her if you were still his "exclusive mistress" would you.

Nasty - that is all!

KoalaFace · 13/09/2013 17:41

It's good that she now has the same opportunity that you've had to get checked at an STI clinic.

Getting revenge on him by causing his wife pain though is so cruel that I hope you are as ashamed of yourself as you say otherwise I suspect you'll carry on hurting people with your selfish actions.

WhiteandGreen · 13/09/2013 17:45

You clearly want us to all put the boot in, so you can wallow in it all.

Patosshades · 13/09/2013 17:55

How did you manage to get hold of your married mans wifes number to text her?

Pretty shit thing to do by text really.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 17:56

I did know where she was, I know their routines, I timed it as well as I could.

I dont want to wallow in anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 17:56

I thought ringing would be worse, which is why I didnt do that

OP posts:
WhiteandGreen · 13/09/2013 17:58

Texting makes it easier for you, that's for sure,

Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 18:00

Ringing would have been easier for me, but I didnt think that was right

OP posts:
IslaValargeone · 13/09/2013 18:02

Every post you write is making you sound worse and worse to be honest.
I'd walk away now, because I do believe it is against MN rules to make personal insults and I can't be the only one for whom diplomacy is becoming increasingly hard.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2013 18:03

I suspect this thread is just another part of your chronic attention-seeking, which started with you shagging a married man and is still being played out now

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