I told her

[Justwakingup]

I have told the wife of the MM I had an affair with.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, because I know how much she is hurting. I think I wish I hadnt, but I feel that she has a right to know.

I knew it would never make me feel good to tell her, but I dont know what to do now, I wont contact her again, I just wish I hadnt hurt her, I deeply regret the affair and I need to move on, but I feel like I have caused a huge explosion and I feel so terrible about it, I dont know how to make things better..

Sorry if I am being 'whiney'

I have been to the docs, I am on 3 waiting lists for counselling, I cant afford private, so I will have to wait.

I have called the samaritans, they listen, but they dont tell me how things are straight, like real people on MN.

If I start a new thread then its not real, is it? I will be pretending that I have just come out of a normal relationship.

I fully appreciate that I am not having a normal reaction to this relationship breakdown, but I have worked out that I am severly depressed and have probably had a breakdown.

I dont see anyone at all, I work from home and I havent left the house now for 2 days, I appreciate all the interaction I get on here, whether its kind or not.

Sorry you are going through such an awful time. You sound very isolated and hurt.

You are going through a relationship break-up and it is hard- morality of it aside.

I think you should be a bit kinder to yourself as I said before you haven't broken any vows. I think you are dealing with the double sting of a relationship ending and finding out you have been used and cheated on yourself.

He sounds an absolute rotter. I think if you are able to tell her you should because he is putting her health at risk. Do it with kindness and for the right reasons and face to face if you can.Maybe just mention the other woman that you know about. It will probably be a load off as well.

Then step away.x

I think if you post ' I have just come out of a relationship where I behaved really badly but I want to move on - to be a happier, healthier person - I think people would help. Maybe I'm wrong but I think they would. You could also start a thread on mental health.

If you are at the point of phoning the Samaritans go and see your GP today. Ask for an urgent/emergency appointment.

And my main point remains - that this thread is little more than self flagellation. You are possibly relying on it but that is not healthy nor is it helping you

I am not being unkind. I could pat you on the head but your endless picking at your pain on here is self destructive. IMHO this three is making you worse not better.

I hope you find a way to access sensible support in the real world.

I know this is going to sound harsh, but really I object to the idea that NHS money might be being spent on counselling for a woman who is upset at breaking up with her (married) boyfriend. FFS, there is little enough money to go around for people with real need at the moment, please let's not waste precious resources on nonsense like this.

OP. Stop wallowing. Pull yourself together, move on.

You don't need us ( collectively) to kick you op and that's all that will keep happening on here. Take pags advice, start a new thread, keep interacting with us, but please, take the first step to healing.

I don't think you can say your reaction to the breakdown is not normal - we've all done it, the can't sleep, can't eat, can't stop crying thing, over a bloke who doesn't deserve us. It is perfectly normal. You just need to give it some time. And stop the self-indulgent over-analysing of it all - it doesn't help. Get a backbone. It was always going to end like this, let's face it, so it can't have come as that much of a surprise to you.

Justwakingup I have pm'd you.

subliminal I know, I hate the thought of badly stretched NHS resources being spent like that too. My thinking is that however little natural sympathy I have, she sounds as though it is her own fucked-up-ness that has got her into this situation in the first place - whereas in others the fuked-up-ness may have manifested itself in turning to drugs or alcohol for instance and using NHS resources in that way. I suppose screwing over a wife is on the same spectrum as a lot of other self-destructive behaviour except in this case an entire family and helpless children have been affected too.

She hasn't screwed over the wife. Her ex has screwed over his wife.

She has become embroiled in a very unhealthy relationship. We don't know the O.P's past or any other potentially pertinent aspects to this. That is for a professional to unravel.

If you look at a range of treatments offered by the NHS - you could say a lot of them are preventable,whether through lifestyle choice or otherwise.

At the moment O.P. appears to be grieving over this relationship. A little compassion wouldn't go amiss.

OP, I wasn't sticking the knife in, I was trying to think from the wife's point of view. She's hardly going to be sympathetic, is she? I think she probably does know, but there are lots of good reasons for her to not acknowledge you.

I'm unclear why you told her at all, if you're now pleased she doesn't know. Your posts indicate that you are enjoying the drama and are disappointed that she hasn't given you a reaction.

And you aren't a victim here. You've done this to yourself, knowingly and willingly.

You may not want to "walk away and forget everything", but that's all you can do at this stage. Unless you want to turn into Glenn Close's character from Fatal Attraction. I think counselling is an excellent idea so you can explore why you let yourself get into this situation in the first place.

Oh please. Having sports related injuries and accidents/DIY fuck ups treated by the NHS is probably more of a drain on resources than counselling the Op and other people w/ similar emotional issues.

Getting a bit daft now. OP maybe time to pull the thread.

As far as I'm aware the NHS is not there to make moral judgements about who is/is not deserving of care. Thank god!

Exactly White otherwise where would that end?

Some people may be kicking the op, but I object to the phrase 'we' as if posters speak for all of MN. For what it is worth OP I am sorry you are so so sad but you will recover and please start to focus on that. You have dependants and putting them first will help you.

Just, I'm really sorry you're getting other people's hatred thrown at you here. I suspect you're not the only poster to this thread who could do with some counselling. I'm going to hide it now, but didn't want to go without sending you a hand-squeeze.

This thread makes me sad.

OP has shown in so many different ways that she is struggling and needs support. She's been told to "get counselling" she says she's on waiting lists. She's then told she doesn't deserve NHS counselling.

I've already said at the beginning of the thread that OP has acted selfishly and hope her regret is real. But I didn't carry on with attacking her as its so bloody obvious she's already in pain. What do you want from her now?

Okay OP, I'm concerned for you. I am worried because it seems you have a lot of anger, hurt and very low self worth. Whatever happens from now on try and make every decision in a way that you can be proud of. If you decide the wife needs to know about her husband be honest woth yourself about why you are doing it. If you are concerned about her health or her how his continued affairs could hurt her then do it. As a lot of posters have already said, they would want to be told. But if its for revenge don't do it. It will make you feel ashamed of yourself.

You have the rest of your life to make good decisions. For yourself, for your DC and for the people around you.

Make decisions that make you proud.

And I agree with Pagwatch. This thread is poison for you. There are too many people here who find you and your actions unforgivable. They will never be the support you need.

If the nhs turned away every body who made a questionable decision there would be more staff than patients. We all make decisions that could risk our physical or mental health, the nhs has to treat everybody not the select few deemed worthy.

The op made a poor choice, she didn't kill anyone fgs.

Listen to Merlin cat OP. There are people on here w/ their own vindictive agendas yet Merlin is not one of them despite having every reason to be.

And Merlin you also have my heartfelt regards. I have been there too and the pain will ebb. It just takes time.

You didn't tell her for the right reasons. You told her because you were mad at her husband ! Why direct your anger at her and not him ? What has she done wrong ? Not only did he have you on the side but he also had other women too. Think about her she's his wife and now probably has an std.