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Original poster

I told her

461 replies

Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 16:49

I have told the wife of the MM I had an affair with.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, because I know how much she is hurting. I think I wish I hadnt, but I feel that she has a right to know.

I knew it would never make me feel good to tell her, but I dont know what to do now, I wont contact her again, I just wish I hadnt hurt her, I deeply regret the affair and I need to move on, but I feel like I have caused a huge explosion and I feel so terrible about it, I dont know how to make things better..

OP posts:
MrsPeeWee · 13/09/2013 20:17

I could very happily offer constructive and compassionate advice to this lady if she hadn't done this for bitter, revenge seeking reasons!

I don't believe its 'obvious' she regrets it at all, I think she's telling a whole bunch of shocked, disgusted women on a internet forum exactly what she thinks we want to hear. I don't buy it.

My 'issue' with the OP isn't about the MW having the right to know - its about the way the OP has publically demonstrated on a public board, just how nasty she can be to another women for doing nothing more than being married to a man she wanted to carry on shagging behind her back, for her own selfish reasons!

If you do regret the tasteless way you announced the news to his poor wife, then good and I hope it eats at you for a fair while!

Bogeyface · 13/09/2013 20:26

I agree with Imperial.

Doing something for the wrong reasons doesnt stop it being the right thing to do.

onlysettleforbutterflies · 13/09/2013 20:28

The OW rang and told me and although horrendously painful at the time, I am so glad she did otherwise I may never have found out what kind of man I was married to. I had suspicions and knew it wasn't right but could find no proof, so I will always feel a bit grateful to her, ofcourse I hated her at first. Do not ever ccontact her again though, you have done your bit, time to move on and leave her and him to it now.

Havea0 · 13/09/2013 20:30

I am trying to get an idea of the op's personality. I dont think it is as simple as attention seeking and being in her own bubble.

I think there are other things at play as well.
Glee, or wanting to control everything around her, or enjoying revenge, or everything has to be on her terms.

Mama1980 · 13/09/2013 20:32

Op I commented several times on your other thread. You got some good advice, people took time out of their lives to try to help you. You didnt get flamed mostly you got masses of support and advice.
You cant alter anything now, its over and what he or his poor wife decide to do now is nothing to do with you. Personally I think you've made the wrong decision and method to tell his wife but what's done is done.
I repeat my advice from the other thread. Just STOP now. Cut all contact and stop he is not worth the headspace. And yep of course it hurts but well sometimes things do. (Not being patronising its just the truth)
Get to your gp ask for help, counselling whatever you feel you need. You haven't lost everything you have children who love you. Focus on yourself and them.

perfectstorm · 13/09/2013 20:35

The problem is he's highly likely to be able to explain the text away as a crazy person. Without other supporting evidence I would imagine his wife is likely to believe that.

Sigma · 13/09/2013 20:44

OP - why were you so shocked he was sleeping with other women?! What did you expect from a cheating married man?! Not only are you being spiteful but you are a fool

OrmirianResurgam · 13/09/2013 21:08

DH had an affair. I can tell you that I wouldn't have given a flying fuck what the motivation as long as someone told me! What would be so brilliant about leaving the betrayed wife in ignorance while he continues his shagging spree? The damage had been done - telling her doesn't make it worse

Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 13/09/2013 21:11

OP please listen to everyone else here. You need to walk away from this now.

waltermittymissus · 13/09/2013 21:22

Well you've done it now so there's no real point to asking if it was the right thing to do. It's done.

You need to leave it alone now.

You need to be very honest with yourself about your motivations behind doing it, and what you really wanted the outcome to be.

Did you think he'd contact you for a big, dramatic confrontation?

OP, you need to do a lot of work on yourself.

Yes, it's better than his poor wife knows but revenge is a poisonous emotion and you obviously feel it in spades.

Draw a line under this and walk away. To a therapist. Find out why you have so little self-worth and maybe you can begin to better yourself.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 21:24

I dont wish for him to come back to me, I know that he never would and I would never want him back, he has treated his wife, me and the OW appaulingly.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 13/09/2013 21:24

Sadly, I think that if the wife kicks him out the OP would go running to him with open arms if he asked, and although she would deny that is her motivation, I do wonder if there is a tiny bit of hope there that by kicking the wasps nest, she wont get stung.

Bogeyface · 13/09/2013 21:24

he has treated his wife, me and the OTHER OW appaulingly.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 21:27

Bogey you are very very wrong there. There is no way upon this earth that I would welcome him to me, I wouldnt even give him the chance of a phone call. The only person I would speak to now is his wife, if she asked.

OP posts:
maleview70 · 13/09/2013 21:28

Some people in life are decent, some are not... He is not, you are not!!!

Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 21:30

I know, but if I agree, then I am being irritating :-(

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 13/09/2013 21:32

Sorry, submitted too soon.

I meant to say that I corrected you statement because it concerns me that you see his other OW as the OW yet not yourself.

MissStrawberry · 13/09/2013 21:32
Hmm
MissStrawberry · 13/09/2013 21:33

That wasn't for your post, Bogeyface.

Monty27 · 13/09/2013 21:33

Well he deserves all he gets, and do you.

That poor woman. On the other thread I advised not to do this as it would be akin to seeking revenge.

Like someone said upthread you didn't care about her when you were shagging her husband.

I think what you did was completely malicious.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 21:34

Of course I see myself as an OW? but I am here, so I called myself ME. I am bottom of the pile! im not his and hes not mine, I am not even an OW now

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 13/09/2013 21:37

Male

How is that in anyway helpful?

I am the absolute last person to apologise for an OW or make excuses, but you cant define a person as decent or otherwise based on one act.

I am disgusted and appalled by the OPs affair, and by her excuses and by her motivation for telling the wife, BUT, I accept that this is a tiny window into her personality. Are you saying that in every area of her life she is not a decent person?

She did something very wrong, but I accept that she seems to have been played by a player as a pp said. That doesnt make what she did right, but equally, it doesnt make her a bad person in every area of life Thats why I am getting pissed off at the pity party, because unless the OP is a neglectful or abusive parent, a neglectful or abusive daughter, a scheming and manipulative person with her friends and her work colleagues then the "I dont deserve anything good ever" is at best self indulgent and at worst a plea for pity in order to assuage her guilt.

She did it, she needs to own it and move on.

practicality · 13/09/2013 21:41

O.P. - you did the right thing and that was brave. Cut yourself some slack- you were not the married person in this.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 21:42

I am trying to own it, I really really am. I have made so many mistakes I cant even count them.

I keep swinging from wishing I hadnt told her (then feeling bad about him still having an affair, me knowing, yes, me being jealous, but also knowing how he works and what he will do) to being glad I told her (but then feeling guilty about how the family will be coping now, thinking how hated I am etc. etc. etc.)

I wouldnt have 'won' in either situation. What drove me to it when I did it was that if I had done nothing, HE would have been the one with everything and I would have nothing and neither would his wife (although she wouldnt have known)

Sorry if it seems I am being self indulgent, I am just very very confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 21:43

Bogey - thank you

OP posts: