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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I told her

461 replies

Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 16:49

I have told the wife of the MM I had an affair with.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, because I know how much she is hurting. I think I wish I hadnt, but I feel that she has a right to know.

I knew it would never make me feel good to tell her, but I dont know what to do now, I wont contact her again, I just wish I hadnt hurt her, I deeply regret the affair and I need to move on, but I feel like I have caused a huge explosion and I feel so terrible about it, I dont know how to make things better..

OP posts:
50shadesofmeh · 15/09/2013 22:41

Great post well wobbly , I'd never given the pain betrayal much thought before it happened to me.
I remember lying in bed shaking from head to toe and sweating like I was febrile with this horrific pain in my chest.
3 years on even though most days I am ok'ish the slightest thing gives me horrific flashbacks.

camelindasand · 16/09/2013 05:34

This is getting bonkers. In Iran and the ME they certainly do not have capital punishment for aldultery for the reasons you think!!!! It is because the patriarchal line must be protected at all costs, its all about the genes. Women's feelings of self pity do not come into it at all. Ever.

Honestly, adultery is unfair and painful but it is not murder. The figures are extraordinarily high too in our much more permissive society.

Wellwobbly · 16/09/2013 05:49

Camel, whatever you think of history (bonkers, patriarchal etc) you can't then decide it never happened/wasn't like that. (I am Shock at how effective the Gramsci agenda has been in our education system. When did history become an interpretation of events? In the 70s?). I am simply reporting the seriousness with which cultures, including our own, used to take infidelity. I am not too sure you are right to simplify it down to patriarchy.

And the fact that you call the traumatic reaction that more than one person has tried to describe to you as 'self pity', only tells me that you have never been cheated on. Good. I hope that continues.

camelindasand · 16/09/2013 08:17

I don't mean it in the feminist terms but patriarchy in term if being the father. This is paramount in this culture (where I am from and where I live).

I have been cheated on and have cheated with an EA once myself. My mother was cheated on repeatedly. It certainly does not define me or my life, nor my 27 year relationship. I have cried tears and dried tears of friends. But you have one life and I'm a more 'crack on' mentality.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 16/09/2013 09:34

Just to say that I know she definitely knows.

Within an hour he removed me from Facebook. When we ended and he wanted 'to stay friends' that was something he asked me not to do (remove him from Facebook) it was definitely his way of telling me to F off.

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OctopusPete8 · 16/09/2013 09:48

Oh I see my comment has been deleted surprise surprise, some people can't handle the truth, I hope there is some actual remorse deep down there, but as you didn't end it (correct me) and you only felt overwhelmed with moral urgency as you were no longer getting yours it seems convenient and unlikely, I hope this woman can piece together her life.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 16/09/2013 09:52

I didnt report your post, you are entitled to your opinion, I cant even remember what it said.

I hope that she can piece together her life as well. As I have tried to explain, more times now than I can remember, I have been selfish, I didnt wake up to this until it ended, I was wrong, I only thought of myself whilst I was having the affair.

My head is filled with thoughts of how she is feeling, I wish I could take those feelings away from her, if I hadnt told her then I would still be thinking about her, knowing how she was in her bubble, not knowing what was really happening in her life.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 16/09/2013 09:58

Walk away now and leave them alone, op Hmm.

How she's feeling is none of your fucking business; you're a bloody emotional vampire and he's well shot of you.

Havea0 · 16/09/2013 10:03

op. It is going to take time for you to process all of this.
And I cant think of a way that you can make it better for her at all.

Personally I would definitely wanted to have known, but I know that some people would rather not know.

Either way, at some point, you need to move on from this, else even more lives will be wrecked, including your own family.

At some point, and I know that this is ironic, you need to ignore the thoughts and get on with hopefully not behaving as badly in the future.

blueshoes · 16/09/2013 10:04

well said, flogging.

OP, go get some help. Seriously.

JustBecauseICan · 16/09/2013 10:08

And if you hadn't told her, you'd still have a thread saying "should I tell?" and 50% of MN would be saying yes, and 50% would be saying no, and it'd still not be doing you any good whatsoever.

JustBecauseICan · 16/09/2013 10:09

(I am always, but always, in the "don't tell" camp.....do no harm and all that. Or at least limit it once you've acknowledged it)

But I do feel very sorry for how you feel now.

MissStrawberry · 16/09/2013 10:11

Stop wallowing. Stop the fake distress at the hurt you caused his wife. Just grow up and stop over dramatizing all this.

You fucked a married man without any guilt. Got annoyed when he added to his harem. Got told not to tell his wife - because you weren't in a fit state to do it and were acting out of revenge. Told wife and now you feel surprised he has dumped you. There are millions of other men in the world. He isn't for you.

JustBecauseICan · 16/09/2013 10:14

I think she was dumped before she told the wife strawberry.

And that was why she told her.

Not that chronology changes much.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 16/09/2013 10:24

Im not surprised he dumped me? and it is not fake distress, whatever you might think.

And I am walking away! I wont go near either of them ever again, I have nothing to say to them. I certainly have no desire to make things worse than they already are. I hope that they are working things out.

How she is feeling is none of my business, I agree, but every time I try and wipe her from my mind I feel guilty, like if I try to forget then I dont care what I have done.

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 16/09/2013 10:32

Dumped as in removed from facebook and he has done that as you are acting unhinged.

Good, you should feel guilty. Price you pay for fucking someone else's husband.

I am sorry you are still feeling weak. But you need to get some strength and move on as giving all your time to him/this is no good for you.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 16/09/2013 10:36

I am not surprised he did that? I didnt say that I was! of course he would do that, I had just told his wife, we are hardly going to get together and have a nice look at each others pics on FB are we.

I know you are angry with me, but there isnt any need to keep reminding me that I am unhinged and that I should be hurting. I do know that.

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Havea0 · 16/09/2013 10:36

You know that you now care. That is good. Remember that. Write it down if that helps.

Ultimately you answer to yourself, and God If you believe.

I dont know what techniques professionals use to help a client who is sorry about something and needs to move on.

My suggestions are
Say sorry out loud if that helps.
Write it down if that helps
Say soory to God if that helps.
Give yourself some time.
Try not to make any further dramas about anything.
Have a short break if you can. Go away for a few days or get some change of scenery. Going out of the area for a few days, may give some perspective on things.
Then start again afresh.

Havea0 · 16/09/2013 10:37

If you are sorry, you have to end up forgiving yourself.
I presume if you google that, all sorts of things will pop up.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 16/09/2013 10:54

Thank you Have

I send myself texts, saying everything that I feel. I send them to him, to his wife, to his children, to my children, obviously I wont ever send them, I dont know whether it helps, but I have so much to say that I cant say.

OP posts:
50shadesofmeh · 16/09/2013 11:21

You don't need to ex

Havea0 · 16/09/2013 11:23

Write everything you are feeling on pieces of paper. Then put them in a drawer.
It will be a reminder of what you did, and how you felt afterwards.
It will also get everything out of your system.

50shadesofmeh · 16/09/2013 11:24

Sorry you don't need to explain anything to his wife or kids, nor would they want an explanation from you. You had sex with their father and husband , they want you to just disappear and stay away. You are merely a bit part in this whole saga to them and although it probably seemed like a great love affair to you that's ended he is probably just crawling around trying to pick up the pieces.

You need to get on with your own life and forget them.

mammadiggingdeep · 16/09/2013 11:28

Akawisey. Yes, infidelity brings a sadness onto your life that sits quietly inside your soul. Your sadness op is a drop in the ocean to that of the wife's. I agree with strawberry. Stop dramatizing and get on with your life. It'll be a lot easier for you to do so than the wife.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 16/09/2013 11:35

50 shades please re-read what I wrote. I am not going to tell them anything, I am doing that for me, one of the things that Have has suggested.

OP posts:
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