I told her

[Justwakingup]

I have told the wife of the MM I had an affair with.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, because I know how much she is hurting. I think I wish I hadnt, but I feel that she has a right to know.

I knew it would never make me feel good to tell her, but I dont know what to do now, I wont contact her again, I just wish I hadnt hurt her, I deeply regret the affair and I need to move on, but I feel like I have caused a huge explosion and I feel so terrible about it, I dont know how to make things better..

That's worse now! I felt glad the wife knew, as at least she could do what OP has no doubt done and get to an STD clinic for a blood test. It's not like her DH has one affair (bad enough!) but numerous and ongoing. That poor woman seriously needs to know what is going on, and no matter the OP's motives, I'm very sorry her text was deleted.

Maybe she read it and decided to give you a good mindfuck instead.

I had something to say but it is probably not relevant now, if you are fairly sure that the wife hasn't seen your text after all.

I don't know that what you were feeling was entirely guilt - I have been in a situation, not regarding an affair, where I have contacted someone about something and then not heard anything back and just the whole "sending the message into the void" thing has driven me crazy, just because I wanted a response. Being ignored is fucking difficult sometimes!
You said in your message that the wife could ask you anything - you actually wanted her to contact you, whether you consciously know that or not. And you heard nothing - and this played on your mind. You could have taken the insults, you could have taken the crying, anything - so long as you had a response. And you didn't get one.

So - now you think that maybe she didn't get the text, you can let the whole thing go, can't you. (This is more of an instruction than a question).

I was that wife, and I was DESPERATE for someone to tell me (my gut knew, and it would explain the lunacy):

Dear Chump Lady, Should I tell his wife?
by CHUMP LADY on SEPTEMBER 16, 2013
Dear Chump Lady,

I found out that my boyfriend of 2.5 years, had actually being seeing his wife the whole time we were together, despite them having broken up 6 months before we even started dating.

We worked together, were friends. He cheated on the wife with a colleague (not me) and broke up with the wife to be with the colleague, who promptly dumped him. He moved in with a mutual friend and as we were in a group of friends at work that were all close, the truth came out. He felt terrible for cheating on her, but the relationship wasn’t working. He lived with a friend and she moved in with her mother.

A few months after that we started dating. I had no reason to believe he wasn’t with her, I mean he told us all they had broken up, he wasn’t living with her. So we started to date, it got serious. We spent at least half the week together. Again I had no reason to believe they were together, as far as I was aware they never saw each other.

Fast forward a few years, including us doing long distance while he worked in Canada for 6 months. He came back to our country, but instead of moving in with me as planned, he went to live with his parents till he found a job. I found that plausible, I own my own house and was not in a financial position to support him without a contribution. He led me to believe that the moment he got a permanent job he would move in with me.

Then he couldn’t get a job, times are tough and he works in importing so that seemed plausible. I know he lived with his parents, again I had no reason at all to believe there was anything going on.

Yes in retrospect there were warning signs, they were texting, he had seen her a few times. She had happened to be away overseas at the same time he was away for work. However he always gave a plausible reason and being a chump I believe it. He loved me right? Why can’t he be friends with the ex. She has a sick mother and he wanted to support her. Why would I have a problem with that?

When did finally get a job a year later, it was in a city 1.5 hours away. But that was fine, we would stay together, he would find a flat in between so we wouldn’t be that far from each other.

5 weeks before the move he started acting weird, sure he still came over a few nights a week, but he only stayed the night twice in 5 weeks. He was short with me, we were fighting. I felt like I had to beg to spend time with him. But again he still told me he loved me. He wanted this to work. I was the one for him and no there was nothing emotional or physical going on with the wife.

So he moved, I asked him to send me his new address, he always put me off, saying he couldn’t remember, he told me he had a flatmate (a male). We always talked a lot, then suddenly he was strangely unavailable to talk in the evenings (we would talk most nights before going to sleep). Women’s intuition kicked in. I did some snooping, things I am not proud of and discovered he had moved into his new flat with his wife.

When confronted his excuse was, her mother is moving to a care home in this area, she needs to be close to her and needed place to stay quickly and there was a room available here. We are just flatmates and have separate rooms. It’s you I want to be with. She knows about us, I told her I was seeing someone. It’s only temporary, I won’t be living with her forever.

Prior to this moment I was so blindly unaware to what was going on around me I was shocked to discover that I was the OW. I, who thought I had done my due diligence on his relationship status, I who had done nothing but love and support him. I was the OW, just what I needed to add to this crushing blow that the man I loved was apparently leading a double life.

So now It’s been 4 weeks. I am still so angry, I keep going over and over all the suspicious behaviour and hating myself for always believing him.

I bet he told her all the same lies he told me, I am confident she is completely in the dark about me.

Plus I feel bad for her. So here I am one chump feeling sorry for another chump.

Do I tell her? I so badly want to but my means for telling her are purely revenge. Why should he be living in happiness, messing with people heads and leading them on? He deserves to lose us both. If she is so special to him that he kept her believing and hoping over the last 2.5 years that there was still a chance for them then isn’t the ultimate revenge to take that away from him?

All that is stopping me is his backlash. He’s not violent but he will hate me and I did some dodgy things in order to uncover the truth. What if he uses that against me?

I should add that this man in 36, he’s no kid.

I just don’t know what to do, but revenge just seems so sweet a thought right now. Plus I have so much evidence to back up anything I would say to her.

Thanks,

Victoria

Dear Victoria,

Who cares if he hates you? He’s out of your life forever, RIGHT? Surely your motivation for telling the wife isn’t — oh, she will dump him, he will see the errors of his ways and after much groveling and make up sex, come back to me?

Do you really see her as a fellow chump? Do you truly feel bad for her? Because if you do, you should never have bought the ridiculous notion that because “the relationship wasn’t working” it was okay for him to cheat on her.

Now you’re wearing the chump shoes, how does that feel? Hey, your relationship “wasn’t working” — was it okay for him to lead his double life?

Oh, but it was working? Despite his dodgy absences, he told you he loved you. Yeah, same story with his wife, I’m sure.

So, should you throw the molotov cocktail into his happy home and tell? Yes, you should. Not for revenge, but because that woman deserves to know what’s been going on in her life all these years. She deserves the truth.

You tell (showing evidence) and then you let go of the consequences. She may very well stay with him. She may dump him. You don’t control that — and it doesn’t matter anyway, because you’re going to be totally no contact with this idiot FOREVER, okay? It’s not like you’ll be getting status updates on his life. The point is to cut him out of your life. As I said, who cares how he takes the news?

It may be you’re craving contact, so you’ll take drama if it means some attention from him. Please be clear that he sucks. He’s no prize. She didn’t win.

I’m sorry you wasted several years on this shit head. Here’s some lessons going forward — improve that “due diligence.” Here are two important clues to his character you missed — 1) he cheated on his wife with a colleague of yours. You KNEW he was a cheater. Period. Oh, he “felt awful” but hey, it wasn’t working, what could he do?

Oh, have some integrity and divorce her honestly. Not shack up with his co-worker. Red flags don’t come much bigger than that, Victoria. Dude was a cheater. You knew it, thought you were special (common mistake), and went for it any way. Big mistake.

Next clue missed? 2) Throughout this letter, you refer to this woman as his WIFE. You say they “broke up” but she’s never referred to as his “ex-wife.” A married man who won’t seek a divorce is NOT boyfriend material. They don’t get much more unavailable than that. Okay, he wasn’t always living with her, but then again, he might’ve been, at least part of the time. Or toggling between multiple places. It’s what these freaks do.

Anyway, point is — you invested a lot in a man who showed poor character from the start and was unavailable — emotionally, physically (the long distance), and status-wise.

We can be indignant and say how much your boyfriend sucked — (He sucks. Epically.) — cheaters suck. But the bigger question going forward, so you don’t make this mistake again is — why did you accept so little? Why did you invest in such a person? There are other more worthy investments out there this marginally employed man. He isn’t worth the gum stuck on your shoe. He’s not “happy.” He’s a hologram. He nothing to anyone. Insofar he’s in that woman’s life, he makes her miserable. Then happy with his lame ass promises and “love”. And then miserable with his absences and dodgy excuses. She’s so “special” that he’s gaslighted her for 2.5 years?

You miss that? You want to be her? I wouldn’t. Tell her the truth and let her liberate herself. You liberate yourself too. Be more discerning, hold yourself to a higher standard going forward. Don’t accept part-time quasi-love crap. Don’t date the cheater guy again, Victoria. Tell the wife, and close this chapter of your life for good.

Good post, imo, wobbly. I wanted to know, too. The worry, the endless self-checking, the conversations with hidden agendas, the snooping! God, the snooping made me hate myself. I knew there was 'something', had a lot of strong clues. Were I to find myself in that position again, I would simply accept the relationship wasn't feeling right to me and end it: no proof required. But I think it's nearly impossible to reach this conclusion without having been through the horror.

On the other side, I know people who tacitly accept their partners' infidelities. They're the ones who'd prefer not to be told, by an OW or anybody else.

In your position now, I would ask her if she got my text the other day. I'm not prescribing any course of action to you, however. Just sorry that you've been through all this, and it came to nothing. Hope you're feeling relatively okay.

I sometimes wonder whether the women of Britain are divided on this issue 50/50

Personally, I think it is up to the wife to suss it out. I would always think I would know, or at least have big suspicians, though that may be naive of me. If I dod have suspicions, I would be tearing the house apart trying to find the evidence. Snoop me, gosh yes!. I have noticed on MN lately that the tide seems to have turned on snooping. It used to be a no no, now seems to be a yes yes.

Trouble is, in this ops position, if she tells, it might be as much to do with revenge, and also herself, rather than telling to help out the wife. And many wives do not want to be told. And often want to bury their heads - their choice.

And I think that this op should not tell.

I agree Sweet that people are divided and I find it extremely interesting. Because we are basing it on what we would want for ourselves. So half of us would not want to know if our partner was having an affair.

I am incredibly surprised at this. Presumably these are women who would not end the relationship if their partner cheated, so it's best, in their eyes, they don't know about it.

I wonder if their partner's know that they think this? Are they more likely to cheat if they know the woman won't leave them?

My dh knows that I would leave him if he cheated and I know that he would leave me if I did. I thought that these were the sorts of things that couples discussed between them but obviously, from these threads, it's clear that they don't. Who knew.

Good points, Garlic, thanks.

I always distrust the motives of people who have had affairs and then (usually when they have been dumped, or they realize that their affair partner is not leaving the marriage) decide it is right and proper to inform the betrayed spouse.

If the person having the affair was so concerned about morality and honesty and fidelity, then why embark on the affair in the first place? There can't be any kind of moral high ground in informing the betrayed spouse after the event. It's completely flawed thinking. I think the motive is nearly always vengeance, or at the very least some kind of misguided attempt to put right a wrong. I also think it is an attempt to further meddle in someone else's marriage - sort of drop the unexploded bomb into their lives and then observe the fall-out from a safe distance.

I would imagine that in quite a few cases where affairs are ongoing the betrayed spouse has, at some level, an inkling of what is going on but has chosen to ignore the signs. For all sorts of reasons - doesn't want a confrontation/doesn't want sex with spouse so it's quite convenient if they are getting it somewhere else/doesn't want to split up a family/has a low sex drive/marriage has run out of steam so they don't care that much what their spouse gets up to/no longer 'in love' or 'in lust' and so on.

It's incredibly presumptuous of someone who happened to be having sex with a married person to assume what the spouse may or may not want to know The only person I would want news of that nature to come from would be my husband. If it came from a mistress it would feel like my nose was being well and truly rubbed in the dirt and I would suspect that she was getting some kind of vicarious pleasure out of it. Or at the very least was getting into some kind of rivalry situation. Or who maybe wanted to destroy the marriage.

Ignorance can sometimes be bliss.

Sweetshop I might have thought like you "i would always know" until I read some of the stories on MN.
The woman who was sent home sick from work, to "surprise" her H and his OW. The one whose husband had "no time" but whose whole work seemed to be covering for him, when she tried to contact him in an emergency. And so on.

I'd want to know. (Although I might well shoot the messanger, figuratively.)

People sometimes say that they would never tolerate any kind of infidelity and then change their minds for whatever reason.

Also, there are more than a few cases where an affair actually improved a marriage.

But, for me, the whole idea of getting into a slanging match with a mistress, with all that bitterness and vitriol, is utterly repugnant. I would never do it. If my husband chose to have sex outside the marriage then any feelings I had over the matter would be directed at him and not the other woman as I would consider it entirely his responsibility.

But then I happen to think that monogamy, and probably marriage too, are over-rated!

"I am incredibly surprised at this. Presumably these are women who would not end the relationship if their partner cheated, so it's best, in their eyes, they don't know about it. "

Nope, even if they don't end the relationship they might still want to know. Always better to work with the full facts.

Until the betrayed spouse knows the cheater will not understand fully just how much he/she has fucked up. Only then will there be any chance to rescue the marriage if that is what they decide to do.

She isnt going to find anything out from me. I am still awaiting the results from STD clinic, lets hope they are clear because I dont want to have that on my concience as well.

For the record, I would never have entered into a slanging match with anyone, that isnt me, I certainly wouldnt have gloated, I would have told her the facts and if she had shouted at me then I would have listened, she hasnt done anything wrong, I have.

This whole thing is just incredibly sad. All these lives fucked up just because of selfishness (from him and from me and from the other OW)

Thank you massivly to the supportive posters on here, I had nobody in RL and I needed someone to listen to me. Im sorry if my story upset some posters and I understand why you are angry with me, but I am still a person, one who has fucked up massivly yes, but I am still a person.

"The only person I would want news of that nature to come from would be my husband."

Aaah, the innocence!

Yeah, Butterballs, the person who is fucking you over, who is maintaining a position of advantage (getting the benefits on monogamy) whilst deceiving you so that he can get new c__t on the side,

is going to give you the one piece of information that brings that all crashing to a halt.

Men do this ALL the time, haven't you heard? They suddenly get honest and tell their wives.

In the words of Chumplady, having an affair to improve your marriage is like shooting your kneecap off to improve your tennis game. 75% of marriages rocked by affairs END (Linda J Macdonald).

People have affairs because they are SELFISH Butterballs. All that you fondly believe, requires the opposite of that: humility. Where would a selfish, entitled person suddenly acquire this virtue?

Yes, it's a bit like having a cleaner who systematically steals from you. Would you rather not hear about it from a third party? May she carry on stealing until she confesses of her own accord?? Could be a long wait.

If want to know but from someone who had my best interests at heart and not someone with a hidden agenda like the other woman .

Wow. You threw a grenade into this woman's life and now appear to be thoroughly disappointed that you haven't got a reaction.

She probably thinks you're pond life, who doesn't deserve any kind of reaction. Leave her alone. You've tried your best to hurt your MM and he still doesn't care about you.

OP, if you saw her and she smiled at you... you know one another?

She may have seen something, he's spun her the line that you have a crush on him or whatever.

Anyway, I feel for that woman, and for you too, to meet this seriously two (multiple) timing twunt.

However, you told her to exact revenge on him, and thought nothing of the devastation on her. No thoughts for anyone else except yourself. Well, you thought you had told her, but it appears now you haven't. You're not very good at this are you? Retire from it, because you can't keep up.

Or do you still think it should all be put on the table?

Which will make life easier for you OP, the hard option or the soft one? Take your pick. I have a feeling I know which one. After all, licking your own wounds is hard enough isn't it?

*Wow. You threw a grenade into this woman's life and now appear to be thoroughly disappointed that you haven't got a reaction.

She probably thinks you're pond life, who doesn't deserve any kind of reaction. Leave her alone. You've tried your best to hurt your MM and he still doesn't care about you.*

Er, no I am pleased that she appears not to know.

Why do some people seem to enjoy sticking the knife in further to me? I KNOW he doesnt care, I KNOW I am a horrible person, no need to keep on reminding me.

Perfect - we dont know each other, but she would know who I was if she had recieved the text, my full name was given and we have mutual friends. She would have known it was me.

Monty - I have said, several times now, that I wont be doing anything further, there is nothing more to say. I am a little bit confused about why I am being made out to be this person that I am not.

Justwakingup.

That is a good question but tbh, and more to the point, why do you kep coming back here.

The thread is done, you have had some good advice, all of which was based around focusing on yourself nd your chikdren and ending this relentless on line wailing.

Someone said upthread that every time the thread starts to drift out of active convos you bump it with an update or a drama. I hope that is harsh and untrue but it really is starting to look self serving.

Why don't you get some of the forward looking plans in action and let this thread die. You are not helping yourself and are looking more self obsessed with every post.

There were questions and I answered them?

Just because I got some good advice, doesnt mean that I can just walk away and forget everything, if only!! I still dont sleep, I still cant eat, I am a complete mess.

I know that because I am the OW, I dont 'deserve' anything, but I have had some good support here and I need it. I dont have anyone in RL, the one friend I told was helpful but she doesnt live close by and has a family.

I understand that some people need to vent at me and are angry with me, but if this was a thread made by a wronged wife, nobody would tell them to stop posting.

I am still a person, I am still reaching out for help, my feelings are very real and very painful and believe me I wish to god I could 'go and focus on my children' and forget everything else. If it really were that simple then I would have done it.

And my children are living with their Dad at the moment, just for the record.

Then start a new thread about moving on, getting over a relationship. This thread will just be an endless rehash and, in spite of the advice, I wonder how much you are actually acting upon?

I am not telling you to stop posting. Do what you will. I am just advising you that it is now unproductive and you will only get new people rocking up and venting.

If you still can't sleep and can't eat it's time to try something else. The definition of stupidity is endlessly doing the same thing and getting a different result.

And for what it's worth I have responded at length on here without every being unpleasant to you and as soon as I give you advice you don't like you get - there is no other word -whiney.

Between that and the not eating, not sleeping stuff maybe it's time to stop acting like a teenager?

• endlessly doing the same thing and expecting a different result ...