I told her

[Justwakingup]

I have told the wife of the MM I had an affair with.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, because I know how much she is hurting. I think I wish I hadnt, but I feel that she has a right to know.

I knew it would never make me feel good to tell her, but I dont know what to do now, I wont contact her again, I just wish I hadnt hurt her, I deeply regret the affair and I need to move on, but I feel like I have caused a huge explosion and I feel so terrible about it, I dont know how to make things better..

Agree with Fairenuff.

YYY, I agree with Fairenuff's evaluation that your feelings are normal, appropriate to your circumstances, and a nasty episode is now over. I also agree with Pag, that working with yourself, rather than against your feelings, is the most helpful route forward.

You loved a man who didn't exist: true and sad. So did his wife. You didn't ruin her life; her husband's actions did that. Leave them to battle through it. Start forgiving your self. Glad to hear you're going to do counselling.

I've not read the entire thread so apologise if I'm repeating.

OP - be thankful you're not the DW right now, her world as she knew it will be forever changed.

Yes ultimately her dh made the vows to remain faithful but my view on this is that it takes two and that you are also responsible for the hurt she'll be feeling. You told her purely due to selfish reasons.

It's good you've got a conscious. As another poster mentioned, don't wallow now. You can't turn back time. The deed has been done (so to speak) and you can only hope that you will learn enough (which sounds like you have) from this episode in your life to make better decisions in the future.

FWIW I was the betrayed in my relationship and rightly or wrongly I'd feel a sense of justice that you were feeling so shitty, just hope her dh feels the same way!

I don't think you should have told her as what you don't can't hurt and what about their D.C (if they have them). Did you not take their feelings into account. Okay you may be hurting and I am sorry for that but it most certainly is not his wife/children's fault. x

Just re-read my post - of course I meant conscience not conscious

I've not read all 330 replies either, so apol's if this adds nothing. I second advice already given to distract yourself by finding things to do. As for not dwelling on it, in the immediate aftermath of the events that's easier said than done. Also, some aspects might need a little dwelling on to better understand yourself and ensure you don't repeat your mistakes. If you need a PLAN to stop everything going round and round in your head, start with trying to identify the positive from the negative. You could begin by telling yourself that the very fact you feel guilty indicates that you're fundamentally a decent person - not some sociopath who delights in others' misery. You say the wife is devastated but, if she didn't suspect hubby was a serial cheat already, a part of her has to be pleased to know the truth, just like you should take solace in not living a lie anymore. Ask yourself what it is about you that led you into an inappropriate relationship in the first place. (Plenty of single men out there. Being single isn't a crime and even feeling lonely is better than what you're feeling right now). There are always exceptions - and wishful thinking for an exception - but if you date a cheat likely they'll cheat on you too. Even if they don't it'll always lurk in the back of your mind. So, yeah, acknowledge that you're essentially a nice person who did a stupid then a vindictive thing. We've all been there to a greater or lesser degree. Try to identify the different aspects/issues so that they're not just a heap of emotional mush. Keep writing even if you don't post it - it focuses the mind and you learn stuff about yourself. The more you learn the less likely you'll be to repeat your mistakes. Let dickhead and his wife worry about their lives. There's NOTHING left for you to do there. Like she'll be fine in a few weeks, as you will be if you stop beating yourself up and recognise that you can be a better person/mother by identifying both your good qualities and your flaws.

SlangKing. I hardly think that the wife will be fine in a few weeks. Broadly agreed with the rest of your post.

Sorry but I very much doubt his wife will be ok in a couple of weeks!!

And 'let dickhead and his wife worry about their lives' - whether the OP likes it or not she has a part to play in the turmoil surrounding the dw life right now. I'm pretty sure dw will want to know much about the OP!

The wife will be ok in a few weeks?! Eh?! I don't think so.

I find it bemusing that it's assumed that the wife knows. From what I can see, she nor him have been in touch.

If he's 'good' at cheating, which he may well be.. some people are good at covering their tracks. I would hazard a guess that the number that was text was involved in an 'accident' or 'lost' long before the text was sent and the wife has a shiny new phone as a present. So it's entirely possible that the wife doesn't know and there's no way of making sure without the OP making herself look desperate for a reaction... which as there's a fair amount of guilt it seems I doubt will happen.

I do hope you start to heal OP.. life will get easier and that horrible feeling in the middle of your body will lessen.

Hopefully he stays away from you so you can.

Slangking - betrayal is like a bereavement, you go through the same sort of emotions. It DESTROYS families.

18 months on and I still get flash backs occasionally thinking about the day I found out.

A few weeks eh!....if only!

Haven't read all the posts- why the hell did you tell her???? What did you hope to achieve? That was a really hateful thing to do.

Slanking - five years here, and only just getting to the state of 'meh'.

Fucking someone you are not married to DESTROYS families. The pain of being betrayed is literally indescribable to anyone who has not experienced it.

Cultures in the past didn't used to hang, put the scarlet A and stone people to death for nothing you know. The Iranians still hang people in affairs from cranes...

I rather feel at times those cultures expressed the wrongness of adultery much better than ours does - there is NO WAY it is a little thing. God, it is shattering. When people say 'I feel dirty and shamed and devastated, small, not enough' on MN it really is that terrible. I don't know why society outside MN is so silent about it.

Well said Wellwobbly!

Wellwobbly my mother pointed something out to me today that for some reason hadn't occurred to me - perhaps because I'm not a member of her generation - what little respect a mm has for a woman who will agree to fuck him. Suddenly this seemed a fitting punishment.

op - he didn't respect you, why would you care about him? Nothing you can do to undo the suffering you've caused. But you can be the best mum you can be for your dcs. Put them first and you have a noble cause to fight for and in doing so, won't you recover yourself and your self-respect?

Fair enough - I'll acknowledge that my "a few weeks" comment was ill conceived, since I am aware that it can take years. And, like any bereavement, you never "get over it" so much as "learn to live with it." Thing is, I'm not too focussed on the wife cuz she's not the one here asking for help. NONE of us know whether she's lived her life in blissful ignorance or was on the brink of leaving the rat anyway. The OP isn't here trying to justify herself. Indeed, she's beating herself up as much as any of her detractors in this thread. She acknowledges she may've "destroyed lives" so see little to be gained from reminding her. She can't undo what she's done but she can ensure she doesn't get herself into a similar situation again. As my previous effort suggested, she needs to take whatever positives she can and question how her own needs landed her in an inappropriate relationship in the first place. Again, apologies for any offence caused but I was focussed on the OP and the help requested rather than the effect upon the life of somebody who isn't here. Consider me justifiably chastised. Take care.

Hogwash and a fine and ancient word it is too. I should point out though that it wasn't the word my mother used.

Yes, yes and yes wellwobbly.......bloody well put.

Wellwobbly really good post. You know there are days recently when I reflect that there are worse things in the world than infidelity……….

But almost three years, a divorce, two house moves, a change of job, financial wrangles, some very good therapy and RL friends, etc etc and I still can't fully understand it all. And it still hurts. I still grieve.

On Tuesday evening this week I was walking into our local Tesco. On his way out was my exh. This was our first chance meeting in the whole of the time since I chucked him out and we live in a really small town. He saw me, I saw him. We passed within feet of each other and it was as if we were complete strangers. It has to be like that. Two people who were married for 20 years. I can't be friendly, I've had to tell him over and over again, recently very forcefully, to stop hoping for that, to stop communicating with me as if nothing has altered other than our legal status. Why? Because for me it's liking picking at a scab.

The disgusting piece of filth I received in the post informing me that I was married to a cheating scum-bag wiped out everything good that went before it - everything. That was all I was worth. Two lines.

I've got a great job. Amazing DC's. Solid and dependable friends. A future. But I have a sadness which sits in me and nothing really gets rid of it. That's what infidelity did to me.