Is this normal or insensitive. Sex?

[Workwhatwork]

I'm having a really shitty time right now with various things that are going on so I'm feeling quite low anyway.

Last night I was in bed with my boyfriend and I started trying it on with him. I was sort of cuddled up to his back and I started stroking his hair and back and kissing his back a bit, then touching him down there. I was running my hands up and down and then when I wernt to touch him down there again he blocked me with his arm so I took that to mean he didn't want sex and turn over to go to sleep.

He turned to me and said I was teasing him and started touching me down there. I wanted to have sex but I couldn't get wet and him touching me was hurting.

The thing is and I don't know whether it's just me, sorry for tmi, but I seem to be able to get wet more at certain times of the months, so just after my period I can't always get wet but just before I do. Sometimes my boyfriend hurts me when touching me, if he's trying to put his finger in me he will often miss by an inch or so and try to force it into the completely wrong place, he also uses spit as lube even though we have proper lube and I don't like it. Because of all this I think I've got quite jumpy especially when I'm not wet because I'm expecting for him to hurt me.

After a while of me not getting wet he started to go in a mood saying I was teasing him and obviously didn't want it as I'm not wet. I try to explain that just because I can't get wet doesn't mean I don't want to, and that sometimes it isn't just a case of sticking his hand down there for a fiddle and expecting me to have multiple orgasms, sometimes it is but sometimes I need a bit more foreplay.

It escalated into a row and he started doing over the top impressions of me jumping and saying "ooo, ooo, ahh, ahh" like a monkey as though that's what I was doing. I was a bit jumpy but it's because it was hurting and I was expecting him to try to shove his finger in where I have a wee like he often does. But apparently this is all my fault as he isn't doing anything different.

The other massve thing is, in the past, (we have been together 5 years), I have found out he has gone behind my back.

I've found out he's been on dating sites talking to other women. He says that this was when we had split up so almost doesn't matter. We were both on Facebook and he was chatting and flirting with women from chatrooms and stuff on there. He had a few younger women on there and when I asked who they were he said that they were girls from school who were a few years below him. He sort of joked that they would never look twice at him as they're too good looking (how's that supposed to make me feel) and that he'd only added them to make him look good. I also found out he had fake email addresses to use on dating sites. This was an ongoing thing over about 2 years and there were at least 10 different women I found him chatting and flirting with all from chatrooms or dating sites. I even caught him chatting with one the night after his grans funeral.

These are the things I found out, I of course don't know what else may have happened. But that I'm aware of nothing has happened since, he's no longer on Facebook and neither am I and he no longer has a computer or laptop aside from the one we share.

But last weekend I was looking through the photos on his phone. I never look at his phone so goes to show, but I was looking for some old photos of a concert we went to. And I came across a photo of a pair of boobs. No face just a top pulled up flashing the boobs, the photo was in downloads so I can only thing it was a picture message he'd been sent.

Of course I felt sick, asked him who it was. The story he gave was that he couldn't even remember her name, it was some woman from a dating site years ago and he didn't even realise it was still in the phone. But he tried to make out it wasn't a picture message but had been synced from his old laptop.

I told him to get out, it was over. But he wouldn't go, he seems to think that because it was all part of the things he was up to in the past and I'm supposed to have forgiven him, that I should just forget about it now.

But of course I can't, I don't trust him at all.

Then we went to a family party at the weekend. There was another woman on our table, a family friend. I started to feel as though he was making a particular point to speak to her. He rarely strikes up conversation with anyone and usually sits messing around with his phone but he kept making jokes to her, telling me to look at her phone case isn't it nice. Then I remember that she sent him a Christmas card last year and my name wasn't on it even though everyone elses were sent as couples.

This is how I've ended up as a result of what he's done in the past. Even if nothing is going on I feel as though he tries to get attention from young women to get an ego boost.

Sorry it's so long I just don't know what to think anymore.

You are in the best position to end things. You will never be in a better position. You don't have to explain a thing, just change the locks. You don't need fight as you don't need to have a huge exhausting, scary argument.

I had an abusive boyfriend who did the ass grabbing and humping thing. It's a way of tormenting you. Of keeping you confused.

You will never win an argument with him. He will always twist things because he's twisted. To be reasonable and listen to you would mean understanding and admitting that he was wrong. And he is fundamentally unable to do that.

When you are away from him, you can see this. Everyone can see this. When you are with him, he screws with your head.

I do think he's escalating things. Now that you're starting to see him for what he is, he has to work harder to keep you under his control.

Talking to him is bad for you. If you pack his shit and change the locks and don't engage, you will be able to keep your head straight.

He will almost certainly kick off. You can do it, though.

Tbh no,I have too much self respect to let a man shit in front of me when I've asked him not to and pick his bum in my bath, film me crying and make fun of me.

With this I honestly have only just realised how bad this actually is, because of this thread. I knew that I didn't like it, but he has convinced me that it's just 'blokes', men have dirty habits and women just have to put up with it. I know that not all men are like this as I have known men who aren't, but it creeps up on you. Then he will say it's because he is so comfortable around me. It never occured to me what an utter lack of respect it was. What he did Friday was despicable, but again he's blaming me for it, I'm geting angry again now typing it, but I don't know, he can be very cruel.

What do you like about him? Why do you not think you are worth more than this? I don't know what I like, not much anymore, the nice times I suppose, it's almost a habit now I'm just so used to him. I know that I am worth more, I know that I haven't done anything to deserve being treated like this. But then I think if I deserved better, why have I ended up with him, if I deserved better surely I'd have better.

Is there anyone that could come round and sit with you while you pack his stuff up? I think you need RL support. I also bet that once you tell someone they won't be that surprised ,I bet they can see the change in you x

No it's NOT your fault he's not a nice man. He is a pig,a revolting on at that. You are a nice person that doesn't need to put up with this crap a minute longer.

No, I don't understand this. You sound miserable, bullied, assaulted, injured, unhappy and without hope and excitement for the future. And all you have to do is lock him out of the house and text him it's over

I know it seems that simple, and as I say practically it is, we are not tied together financially or anything.

But for me, once he has gone all I am left with is an empty house and the thoughts of the past 5 years. Plus I know now that he will try to win me back, I am miserable. but I think I will be miserable either way.

If you have a plan in place to get him out and see a counsellor they will help you work on your self esteem.

But for me, once he has gone all I am left with is an empty house and the thoughts of the past 5 years.

Ok, how about seeing it as a safe house? A sanctuary and bolt-hole? I'd be locking him out, throwing the bed linen in the wash and scrubbing that bath. As for the five years, imagine yourself five years from now writing advice on Mumsnet, telling some poor sod in this position how the last five years have been the best five years of your life.

You've said yourself what a good position you are in - no shared house, no mortgage, no kids together. All you have to do is lock him out and refuse to engage with him.

What's the alternative?

So better to be miserable on your own than to be abused, prodded and disrespected, seriously?

Is there anyone that could come round and sit with you while you pack his stuff up? I think you need RL support. I also bet that once you tell someone they won't be that surprised ,I bet they can see the change in you

There isn't, there are two people who know what's gone on, not the latest but things from the past. I think that they are both just sick of me moaning but not doing anything about it so I don't bother telling them anymore.

I know that i mudt sound very frustrating.

Your last 2 posts go to the heart of this: the worst thing this piece of shit has done to you has been to make you doubt whether you're being unreasonable asking to be treated with the minimum of respect. All the people on this thread are telling you how vile and abusive he is. I promise you that if you can stay away from him for long enough and keep surrounding yourself with some positive influences (mumsnet, counselling, Freedom Programme, Woman's Aid) you will stop asking if you're the unreasonable one.

Re. "But for me, once he has gone all I am left with is an empty house and the thoughts of the past 5 years. Plus I know now that he will try to win me back, I am miserable. but I think I will be miserable either way."

Yes, you will feel miserable - it is normal to feel miserable after a 5 year relationship, even one which was rubbish. This is how normal human beings, capable of emotional engagement with others do feel. I felt like crap for quite a while after breaking up with my ex. But it does pass, and you will eventually end up in a much better place than you're in at the moment. And to get you through the bleak patch, do whatever is necessary. Join a running club. Take up gardening. Go to a book club. Find a friend/ female single colleague with the same taste in movies and have a DVD evening every week. Offer to walk your elderly neighbour's dog once a week. Whatever works for you in terms of getting you doing stuff and meeting people. And don't rely on other people to make the overtures - get in touch with them, make sure you have at least 2 social activities every week for the next two months (after two months of this, you'll find the reciprocal invitations start coming in, and you won't feel like you're making all the running any more).

Good luck - an empty house is so much better than the loser you're with.

You don't sound frustrating, you sounds like all the stuffing's been knocked out of you

I do think women's aid would help, if you had it confirmed that he was abusing you from 'a proper source' rather than posters on the net,I think it would help x

I don't know what the alternative is. I can't imagine what the next 10 years will hold if I stay with him. I doubt we would ever even progress to moving in together and even if we did perhaps I would be even more miserable.

I am sounding rather like I have given up, I think that if I end it in the long run even if I am alone I will hopefully at least have my sanity as he is certainly driving me insane and making me depressed.

He did something else on Sunday which may or may not be considered horrible. But I went to his house with him to get some stuff. There was an upside down glass in the floor with a spider trapped inside. He told me it had been there for a week but was not dead, he'd left it there hoping that it would die soon.

I am terrified of spiders but would probably have squashed it over leaving it trapped in a glass for a week. He just shrugged, didn't seem to see a problem. I know it's only a spider, a pest, but it reminded me of his casual callouness in general.

I do think women's aid would help, if you had it confirmed that he was abusing you from 'a proper source' rather than posters on the net,I think it would help

Thank you, I would love to speak to women's aid on one hand, but at the same time I do feel a bit of a fraud as I am not being beaten up, and especially as I don't really need any help for me it's more emotional support, making me see a good reason to end it for good as I don't seem to be able to find that within myself.

I'm sure that they will tell me he behaves really badly, even if not abusive, but at the end surely they are going to ask what do you want us to do?

You're going to find him increasingly loathsome. Keep talking to us for as long as you need, and you will be able to keep your head straight.

You know, I bet when you do kick him out after the first couple of days of "What do I do now?" feeling a bit lost and not knowing what to do with yourself, you will start to remember who you were before him. An abuser can make you feel very "brain-foggy" or some on here describe it as spaghetti head. After 5 years you probably aren't consciously aware of this but it will clear once you are clear of him and you will feel totally different.

Spider thing seems cruel to me. Surely most people would either kill it straight away or put it outside gently.

They talk to women all the time, who are at various stages of the process of leaving their abusers. They aren't going to say "call back when he's actually hit you." Every battered woman was once at your stage.

work you can say to those people, this time i am really trying to get rid. i need you will you help.

But also yes you need to greave. i often say leaving an abusive rs is like surviving a car crash. initially you are relieved but no one is happy to have been jn a crash in the first place. so don't expect to be doing cartwheels and don't mistake your misery for missing him.

You don't need this man.

But it will take time to heal. be kind to yourself

You ARE in an abusive relationship, he IS violent, he hadn't hit you YET. He IS sexually abusing you. You ARE scared to break up with him.

Doesn't sound like a fraud to me x

Please Work, if you do nothing else (yet) would you at least call Women's Aid and discuss this situation with them. I'm aware that the internet can seem somewhat detached from reality and I'm certain that speaking to someone who has experience and expertise in this sort of thing will help you clarify what you need to do.

I think you know how unacceptable all this is - you've said so again and again. I also know an unknown future can be scary - but believe me your future is filled with all sorts of possibilities once you get rid of this revolting specimen. You may not feel like it now but you are actually in a very fortunate position - you have a house, you don't have children, you're not tied to him at all .... as soon as tomorrow he could be gone and you can start to look forward to the rest of your life.

Forget thoughts of an "empty house" - you don't need to have someone (or anyone in his case) in your house to be happy. Instead, at least for a while, you'll have complete freedom - to do what you want, without fear of ridicule, without fear of disgusting and abusive behaviour being forced upon you, without fear of him twisting things, blaming you and making you feel on edge. There will be nothing and no-one stopping you do whatever you choose. Just think of all the possibilities! It's actually a very exciting position to be in.

And so what if he tries to win you round ?! That too, is in your power - just refuse all contact with him. Delete/block all his contact details from your phone(s), email, Facebook etc. You don't have to give him any access to you in any shape or form - and if he turns up, call the police to get rid. Throw away any letters etc., don't get dragged into discussions about him with his friends or relatives. You can do this!

Look - many of us have had awful relationships - and I do understand the sadness and disappointment of wasted years .... but .... it is FAR FAR better to look back in the next week or so and think, "yes, I've wasted 5 years but thank god I came to my senses before those 5 years turned into 5, 6, 7, 8 or even more".

Can I ask, do you want children ?? ...... because if you do, that thought alone should spur you along into getting rid of him, thus giving you the opportunity - at some point in the future - to meet a real man who'd be a respectful and loving partner as well as a great dad. There is no way in the world this vile creature should ever have children, so if that's what you want why stay ?

"at the end surely they are going to ask what do you want us to do?"

Yes they probably are. But you could ask if they have any support workers you could speak to or if they know of any counselling or similar services in your area which you could access (if you are in Warwickshire google DACS and across Coventry and Birmingham there are a number of services.) I used to live in the Midlands but am abroad now.

Have you been on the emotional abuse support thread on here? That can be a great source of support. You don't have to read every page, just jump in at the end.

X-posted.

There is NO WAY Women's Aid will be anything but sympathetic to you. You can email them too I believe, so perhaps linking them to this thread might be an option if you're worried about explaining.

Yes ... you can at [email protected] although they won't respond to email by phone.

Tel: 0808 2000 247

And Work, remember to protect what you're sharing on here. I hope your PC is passworded - and not with anything he knows about or could guess at. If so, change your password now. May also be worth deleting history and so on.

Right.

what I did when my abusive relationship ended. I ended up in work crying non-stop. went to doctor who gave me Prozac which evened/zoned me out.

You also need counselling/therapy. Otherwise you'll find yourself taken in by this man again.

Distraction helps too. Friends/workmates who are friends/family who take you out for the day/coffee/shopping/a new hobby etc.

When/if you do leave him/end it can you stay with friends/family elsewhere?

the worst times are when you're by yourself. You really really do need the therapy though.

Work when he is gone all your are left with is your future. your future. your life. it may not seem like much now but it is really. the right to choose, to say no, to be happy, to be yourself.