Is this normal or insensitive. Sex?

[Workwhatwork]

I'm having a really shitty time right now with various things that are going on so I'm feeling quite low anyway.

Last night I was in bed with my boyfriend and I started trying it on with him. I was sort of cuddled up to his back and I started stroking his hair and back and kissing his back a bit, then touching him down there. I was running my hands up and down and then when I wernt to touch him down there again he blocked me with his arm so I took that to mean he didn't want sex and turn over to go to sleep.

He turned to me and said I was teasing him and started touching me down there. I wanted to have sex but I couldn't get wet and him touching me was hurting.

The thing is and I don't know whether it's just me, sorry for tmi, but I seem to be able to get wet more at certain times of the months, so just after my period I can't always get wet but just before I do. Sometimes my boyfriend hurts me when touching me, if he's trying to put his finger in me he will often miss by an inch or so and try to force it into the completely wrong place, he also uses spit as lube even though we have proper lube and I don't like it. Because of all this I think I've got quite jumpy especially when I'm not wet because I'm expecting for him to hurt me.

After a while of me not getting wet he started to go in a mood saying I was teasing him and obviously didn't want it as I'm not wet. I try to explain that just because I can't get wet doesn't mean I don't want to, and that sometimes it isn't just a case of sticking his hand down there for a fiddle and expecting me to have multiple orgasms, sometimes it is but sometimes I need a bit more foreplay.

It escalated into a row and he started doing over the top impressions of me jumping and saying "ooo, ooo, ahh, ahh" like a monkey as though that's what I was doing. I was a bit jumpy but it's because it was hurting and I was expecting him to try to shove his finger in where I have a wee like he often does. But apparently this is all my fault as he isn't doing anything different.

The other massve thing is, in the past, (we have been together 5 years), I have found out he has gone behind my back.

I've found out he's been on dating sites talking to other women. He says that this was when we had split up so almost doesn't matter. We were both on Facebook and he was chatting and flirting with women from chatrooms and stuff on there. He had a few younger women on there and when I asked who they were he said that they were girls from school who were a few years below him. He sort of joked that they would never look twice at him as they're too good looking (how's that supposed to make me feel) and that he'd only added them to make him look good. I also found out he had fake email addresses to use on dating sites. This was an ongoing thing over about 2 years and there were at least 10 different women I found him chatting and flirting with all from chatrooms or dating sites. I even caught him chatting with one the night after his grans funeral.

These are the things I found out, I of course don't know what else may have happened. But that I'm aware of nothing has happened since, he's no longer on Facebook and neither am I and he no longer has a computer or laptop aside from the one we share.

But last weekend I was looking through the photos on his phone. I never look at his phone so goes to show, but I was looking for some old photos of a concert we went to. And I came across a photo of a pair of boobs. No face just a top pulled up flashing the boobs, the photo was in downloads so I can only thing it was a picture message he'd been sent.

Of course I felt sick, asked him who it was. The story he gave was that he couldn't even remember her name, it was some woman from a dating site years ago and he didn't even realise it was still in the phone. But he tried to make out it wasn't a picture message but had been synced from his old laptop.

I told him to get out, it was over. But he wouldn't go, he seems to think that because it was all part of the things he was up to in the past and I'm supposed to have forgiven him, that I should just forget about it now.

But of course I can't, I don't trust him at all.

Then we went to a family party at the weekend. There was another woman on our table, a family friend. I started to feel as though he was making a particular point to speak to her. He rarely strikes up conversation with anyone and usually sits messing around with his phone but he kept making jokes to her, telling me to look at her phone case isn't it nice. Then I remember that she sent him a Christmas card last year and my name wasn't on it even though everyone elses were sent as couples.

This is how I've ended up as a result of what he's done in the past. Even if nothing is going on I feel as though he tries to get attention from young women to get an ego boost.

Sorry it's so long I just don't know what to think anymore.

If you are thinking it's ok as he isn't hitting me and being physically violent, you do realize that he is physically violent, don't you? That is what all this 'accidental' stuff is.

This seems a bit daft to post, but maybe it helps with getting perspective on things. I once broke my own tooth, going in a bit too passionately for a kiss. The impact, obviously, hurt both of us. I was instantly sorry - hugely, massively, sorry that what I'd meant for something lovely had turned into something painful! We spent some time going "oww!" and giggling, before proceeding with a lot more caution ...

... which is more or less how such accidents happen, usually. I didn't have a go at him for breaking my tooth, demand apologies, or develop a habit of bashing him in the mouth. If anything, I've been a little more cautious on that front ever since.

Your STBX, see, goes right ahead and repeats the things that hurt you. He doesn't think "Oh, heck, poor Work, I hurt her! Better not do that again." Therefore, it's not accidental.

I am in the Midlands. I really want to help here. You are listening, OP, but he's been doing a very effective number on you for so long that you are still trying to normalise his behaviour - at least to the extent that you think some of it is accidental or that you have responded badly to something and somehow provoked a reaction. None of those things is what is happening here. If you need somewhere to be or something to do in Monday to escape while he gets the message about being dumped then PM me. Please.

Work, I've just joined this thread and just want to add my 2p worth. IMHO you will never know the reason why he does what he does so it's not really worth trying to get into his head. But what we can say for definite is that, for whatever reason, he doesn't care enough about you to stop the behaviour you dislike. You've explained to him how you want to be touched, how you don't want him to pick his arse whilst sharing the bath with him, but he's too selfish to consider your feelings.

I was shocked when you said how old he was as I had this image of a man in his early 20s from what you'd written. He's had 5 years to learn how to turn you on sexually, to know what you like and what you don't like, but he's choosing to ignore your feelings. In a normal relationship he'd have got you sexually sussed in under 5 weeks! He has issues for sure, and why waste your life with someone who doesn't give a shit about whether he hurts you or not? I wouldn't and I've had my share of wankers (but not one of them has been this crap in bed or this "clumsy" and not cared).

And Ive just read that he was filming you crying! Dear god, that's definitely a dumpable offense. What a prize C**t!

I also want to take each and every situation on this thread and tell you how it would have gone in my house.

1. During sex, DP accidentally prods and hurts me. I say 'ouch' DP apologises, asks what he did wrong and never does it again. The end!

1. DP and I start to get intimate. At the crucial moment it transpires that my body is not playing along. DP asks what he can do. I tell him. It happens. We both have fun.

1. I say I'm not really up for it right now (happened last night actually - I have a horrible streaming cold, so wasn't feeling much like it) DP says fine. Is there anything he can do to help? Do I need a lemsip bringing up to bed?

Please note, I have not mentioned anything about being wet here. The fact is, if we started kissing passionately he would sense if I was in the mood or not. He would at no time stick his hands into my underwear to check. That part comes far later because he knows I need a bit of attention before my engine gets going. Plus, I think he enjoys a good heavy snog as much as I do.

1. I once accidentally shut DP's fingers in the car window. His natural reaction to pain is to yell and smack things (walls usually). He did that. He yelled at me. After he'd calmed down I apologised and apologised and put ice on his fingers and apologised some more and he forgave me and hugged me and called me a plonker and all was well again. This also works the other way round if he hurts me.

1. I'm upset and crying. I suffer from depression. I can be irrational and miserable and sometimes verbally lash out and say things I don't mean. DP is patient and kind. He forgives me, he cares for me. He bends over backwards to make me happy. He does not film me, belittle me or make me pay for being emotional. Ever.

He is not perfect. I am not perfect. We have far from a perfect relationship. These things are the very basics of a relationship between two people who love each other.

I don't know how else to explain this. Please leave. Please.

I think that's a very generous offer to help Lifeissweet but just want to say to take care of your own safety. It's so easy to get emotionally involved with these threads.

Sorry, that sounded patronising. I didn't mean it to.

No. I know. Thanks.

I just get so frustrated because This situation is worse than the OP realises it is. I have posted myself on relationship threads before and you get a load of replies about how awful your DP is and how disrespectful...etc and you think 'we'll I haven't told the full story and they don't know him and I've probably painted the situation in an overly bad light.' But actually, as time goes on and you look back, the responses were pretty accurate. I fear that the OP is thinking: 'yes. Given the picture I've painted, of course they are saying leave, but they weren't there and they don't know him and I did provoke him and he did try to apologise' so isn't completely listening. That's just how I feel and I want to do something to help!

I know what you mean lifeissweet. I said earlier that I didn't know what to make of the thread, and I still don't. I'm not sure what kind of advice is most helpful for OP at the moment. Reading responses must be overwhelming and leading to her thoughts going round in circles.

It is sometimes frustrating to see a poster complain, then backtrack and justify. I don't think the OP is doing that, here.

But I wouldn't be surprised if he's still there on Tuesday. He's had five years to work on her.

I do think his days are numbered, though. She's always going to see him differently.

I think that's a good point, Vivacia. OP, I'm sorry if I sounded like I'm hurrying you along. I know this is a lot to take in.

Somebody up thread said he hates you and wants to hurt you. I agree 100%. I also think he thinks sex is like porn; the woman always gets sopping wet because she wants him so bad and is always virginally tight. Everybody has already made the points I want to make so to surmise:

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT

You have your own place and you say he always convinces you not to break up, so just go to your own place, change the locks if he has a key and if and when he comes around, keep the door shut and tell him its over. If you ever feel in any danger call the police. Just don't let him in. It will be hard of course, but in the long run it will be so much better for you.

It is easy to get rid of this guy. You know he's a dick, and people who treat you like this have no right to be in your home. So don't let him in.

FWIW I rarely if ever find that physical arousal (wetness) and actual arousal coincide for me. I dated a guy once - don't ask me why - who I thought was a bit of a twat and not attractive either. We only went out a couple of times, I really wasn't interested in him, and yet if you'd asked my vagina it was all go for this bloke. It thought he was Ryan Gosling and Jude Law and Benedict Cumberbatch all rolled into one, judging by my physical arousal. Whereas with men I really do fancy, like, intend to shag etc it often fails to keep up. Moral of this story - vaginas are idiots.

Life, if she is on her phone she may be unable to instigate PMs.

emotional abuse thread you will find help and support here any time you need it.

Not only is it hard to leave an abusive relationship, it us hard to stay out and the aftermath is difficult to process in a way that.people who have been or are going through the same find much easier to understand.

there for you if/ when you need it.
Good luck OP and Godspeed

Sorry that should say people who have gone through the same understand [how hard it is]

is he clumsy and hamfisted with others? Is he accidentally kicking/bashing/headbutting randoms in the street, his work collegues, his friends and family? because if its ONLY you that gets jossled, smashed into, trodden on, pushed, etc, then its not accidental.

And why was he even trying to get you off the sofa??

Please, please, please, please don't fall for the 'being nice' routine.

Of course he has to 'play nice' every now and then - and especially after he's been particularly revolting like hurting you and filming you crying :( - if he was mean and cruel all the time, it was be a much easier decision to just leave.

Being nice occassionally is classic behaviour. He knows he needs to do this every now and then to keep you.

Don't fall for it, please. The occassional bit of guilt-induced fake niceness does not make up for his appalling and unacceptable behaviour all the rest of the time.

OMG, OP, this is horrific. I've nothing more to add to what the eminently sensible people on here have said, but please have have the strength to get the fuck out of that relationship and move on. That man of yours is a sick abusive bastard. Nothing you could ever have done makes any of that acceptable.

...Stop allowing men like this to think this is an ok situation-it's not, it's dysfunctional but the more women stay and make excuses for men like this so cycles of abuse will perpetuate.

Sorry that's just my opinion on men like this.

But sometimes who frustrates me more is the woman who, instead of being honest with herself and recognising him as a f@@@wit, allows men to treat them with such disdain and disrespect. You not only do yourself a disservice but give the skewed message that such subservience is ok.

Being with someone like that sounds like a very lonely place indeed. Trust in yourself, stop doubting yourself & do what you know is right....LTB!

russetbella1000 Sorry that's just my opinion on men like this. that appears to be your opinion on women not men and looks a lot like victim blaming

OP none of this is in any way your fault, please don't let him or anyone else tell you or imply that it is. He chooses to behave the way he behaves you have done nothing to deserve it.

No not 'victim blaming'.

Hopefully the OP will see he is a weirdo and leave. End of.

The opinion, of course, seeming to be that "men like this" just can't help it of course or need some kind of incentive not to behave in an arse-like way. Perhaps we should round up all the nice respectful men and reward them with blowjobs as an example

No, he is choosing to be like this. The sad fact is he will probably always be like this, and continue to have relationships, and treat other women just as appallingly. (And it still won't be their fault or yours). But you, OP, can choose not to be with him because of it, and you absolutely should, for your own safety, peace of mind and quality of life. Sod all to do with anybody else or showing him any kind of consequence. He's old enough and ugly enough to realise that he's not acting appropriately and change his behaviour if he wants to, but he doesn't. Bit late for consequences now.