Is this normal or insensitive. Sex?

[Workwhatwork]

I'm having a really shitty time right now with various things that are going on so I'm feeling quite low anyway.

Last night I was in bed with my boyfriend and I started trying it on with him. I was sort of cuddled up to his back and I started stroking his hair and back and kissing his back a bit, then touching him down there. I was running my hands up and down and then when I wernt to touch him down there again he blocked me with his arm so I took that to mean he didn't want sex and turn over to go to sleep.

He turned to me and said I was teasing him and started touching me down there. I wanted to have sex but I couldn't get wet and him touching me was hurting.

The thing is and I don't know whether it's just me, sorry for tmi, but I seem to be able to get wet more at certain times of the months, so just after my period I can't always get wet but just before I do. Sometimes my boyfriend hurts me when touching me, if he's trying to put his finger in me he will often miss by an inch or so and try to force it into the completely wrong place, he also uses spit as lube even though we have proper lube and I don't like it. Because of all this I think I've got quite jumpy especially when I'm not wet because I'm expecting for him to hurt me.

After a while of me not getting wet he started to go in a mood saying I was teasing him and obviously didn't want it as I'm not wet. I try to explain that just because I can't get wet doesn't mean I don't want to, and that sometimes it isn't just a case of sticking his hand down there for a fiddle and expecting me to have multiple orgasms, sometimes it is but sometimes I need a bit more foreplay.

It escalated into a row and he started doing over the top impressions of me jumping and saying "ooo, ooo, ahh, ahh" like a monkey as though that's what I was doing. I was a bit jumpy but it's because it was hurting and I was expecting him to try to shove his finger in where I have a wee like he often does. But apparently this is all my fault as he isn't doing anything different.

The other massve thing is, in the past, (we have been together 5 years), I have found out he has gone behind my back.

I've found out he's been on dating sites talking to other women. He says that this was when we had split up so almost doesn't matter. We were both on Facebook and he was chatting and flirting with women from chatrooms and stuff on there. He had a few younger women on there and when I asked who they were he said that they were girls from school who were a few years below him. He sort of joked that they would never look twice at him as they're too good looking (how's that supposed to make me feel) and that he'd only added them to make him look good. I also found out he had fake email addresses to use on dating sites. This was an ongoing thing over about 2 years and there were at least 10 different women I found him chatting and flirting with all from chatrooms or dating sites. I even caught him chatting with one the night after his grans funeral.

These are the things I found out, I of course don't know what else may have happened. But that I'm aware of nothing has happened since, he's no longer on Facebook and neither am I and he no longer has a computer or laptop aside from the one we share.

But last weekend I was looking through the photos on his phone. I never look at his phone so goes to show, but I was looking for some old photos of a concert we went to. And I came across a photo of a pair of boobs. No face just a top pulled up flashing the boobs, the photo was in downloads so I can only thing it was a picture message he'd been sent.

Of course I felt sick, asked him who it was. The story he gave was that he couldn't even remember her name, it was some woman from a dating site years ago and he didn't even realise it was still in the phone. But he tried to make out it wasn't a picture message but had been synced from his old laptop.

I told him to get out, it was over. But he wouldn't go, he seems to think that because it was all part of the things he was up to in the past and I'm supposed to have forgiven him, that I should just forget about it now.

But of course I can't, I don't trust him at all.

Then we went to a family party at the weekend. There was another woman on our table, a family friend. I started to feel as though he was making a particular point to speak to her. He rarely strikes up conversation with anyone and usually sits messing around with his phone but he kept making jokes to her, telling me to look at her phone case isn't it nice. Then I remember that she sent him a Christmas card last year and my name wasn't on it even though everyone elses were sent as couples.

This is how I've ended up as a result of what he's done in the past. Even if nothing is going on I feel as though he tries to get attention from young women to get an ego boost.

Sorry it's so long I just don't know what to think anymore.

Okay, so you have a sort of plan for Monday. That's good. He probably will be being super-nice for this weekend - play along if you can (although FGS please think of an excuse to avoid sex! Maybe you could develop another UTI, or forget your pill, or just try going to bed really late after he's asleep.)

Just be careful - the "nice" act will draw you back in and if you are not aware you will slip into "But he can be nice when he makes the effort. Maybe if I talk to him/reassure him/give him more sex/get him the moon on a stick he will be like this all the time and everything will be okay." Please don't be taken in by that - he won't and everything won't be okay, in a relationship where there is any kind of abuse even the good times become part of the manipulation, dangling a carrot in front of your nose just out of reach, saying "Look what you could have if only you behaved the way I expect you to at all times" - because it is always conditional on you behaving a certain way. I bet as soon as he realises on Monday that you don't want him back the nice act will drop pretty quickly.

So sorry you are going through OP. he is abusive and offensively bad in bed.

You may find some links at top of the emotional abuse thread useful. also Google the cycle of abuse. you will see the nasty nice thing is classic and knowing that'll help you see he is not being nice because he is sorry he is only doing it because he is afraid you will leave and then he won't get his needs met.

Wishing you strength. you can walk away from this and on to a better life with someone who deserves you.

Whilst you wait for monday, don't allow him to think anything is up, but as yoni says, avoid sex with one of those excuses if need be.

He is on his best behaviour for now but this will not continue. Don't go thinking he has changed because of this, he hasn't, he is cleverly biding the time inwhich it takes to get you on side again before he repeats the same cycle of behaviour.

I'm so glad to see you are starting things for Monday. I am not near you I'm afraid, though could still send cake if you like (I can't guarantee the state it'd arrive in though!)

Seriously though, I'm sure there is somebody nearby who could help. Do you have somebody you know IRL who could help? Who could be there on Monday when he arrives home and/or through the day? Have you got time or a chance to ring a locksmith to change the locks whilst he is at work? The money to change the locks? Assuming he has a key of course.

Have you got somewhere to put his things that wouldn't require him to come back into the house? Or a way to get them outside without letting him in (a window)?

I think for Monday to not let my guard down as I know I will easily sweep under the carpet last night.

I already feel an idiot for rushing downstairs and swearing at him over the head butting. I think I got so annoyed because of the shock and pain and because I just feel as though he's clumsy and careless all the time. I am absolutely sure it was an accident but it feels like I'm always getting accidentally bashed about. But he is clumsy with himself too like dropping things, putting the remote in the fridge etc. he's a big guy and is clumsy and heavy handed.

I would have got over it in a few minutes but I think I provoked him further as to be fair he did come to say sorry but was tugging and pulling me off the sofa and I was saying to get off which was when he picked up the airer. Basically his stance is that if I hadn't stormed off none of it would have happened. But to me his reaction wasn't proportionate.

And he's already kicked me in bed this morning by lifting his leg up and slamming it down onto my foot. Mug I may be but I really do believe he's just a clumsy oaf. But you can see why I get irritated?

The practicalities of getting rid of him so to speak won't be a problem it's the emotional support I struggle with.

His action wasn't just "not proportionate".

It may be he's cumsy in many ways, though i think if you are clumsy and have a habit of accidentally bashing people you care about you are sorry about it and take more care. But his reaction to you storming off wasn't clumsy. It was violent.

If you are unable to lean on friends or family, try Women's Aid.

I do think Women's Aid is a good option here for emotional support. It's so easy when physical stuff is "accidental" to minimise what's happening, or have it minimised for you by well-meaning family/friends. Though I think the filming you crying thing would make anyone .

Have a think about what you're saying with your rewriting of the clothes airer incident. It doesn't make sense.

"I think I provoked him further as to be fair he did come to say sorry but was tugging and pulling me off the sofa"

If he came to say sorry, why did he also start tugging and pulling you off the sofa? That's not something people who have come to apologize and make up a quarrel do, is it? It's no good him claiming he's come to say sorry while at the same time performing a violent action. The action belies the words.

You did not "provoke" him. You were being tugged and pulled off the sofa, and you told him to get off, which was a totally normal and non-violent response. He provoked you. He tugged you off the sofa knowing you would object so that he could escalate.

If I hurt someone accidentally I apologise and try and avoid doing it again. If I slammed on my husband's foot I would be mortified. If you had accidentally stood on his toe, how would you react? How did he react?

Wishing you all the luck on Monday.

You didn't "provoke him", a normal person that had made a one off mistake would be very apologetic.
But this isn't first time he hurt you, and tugging you off the sofa and smashing things up isn't normal behaviour, it is abusive behaviour.

Please believe me OP. He is not hurting you accidentally, he really isn't.

He is hurting you on purpose. He hates you and wishes you harm.

You have to start getting your head around this. This man is not your friend. You are in danger while you are with him.

Please contact Women's Aid and make a plan to get out.

Good luck. Keep posting.

I'm nearly in tears after reading through this thread, please get as far away from this man as possible. Filming you and taking pictures of you whilst you was sobbing on the floor? I cannot simply bring myself to even comprehend the nastiness of this man and how he must loathe himself so much and how little self esteem he must have to want to humiliate and frighten another human being in this way. Darling none of this is normal in any way shape or form. I'm pretty sure this is not the first time he has shown violent tendencies is it? You are a lovey strong and wonderful lady who has spent five years too long already with this subhuman man. I sincerely hope you follow this though and don't let him grace the steps of your door ever again. Wishing you the best of look, this is not going to be an easy ride by the sounds of it.

My baby once headbutted me. Babies do that by suddenly arching their backs. All three of mine did it. On one occasion, I yelled, used the f word, and abruptly put baby down on sofa to go cry and take a deep breath in the kitchen. I knew my anger at the baby was irrational and perfectly natural. I just took a minute then went in to cuddle him.

I would have been wrong to hurt or punish him. But my immediate Yelp and tears were natural.

You did nothing different.

We will give you emotional support. He's going to try and talk you around. He may promise to change, etc.

This will alternate with nastiness.

He will demand explanations, so he can argue with you.

You will need to drop him cold. And stay cold. And then call the police if he kicks off.

We will be here to hold your hand.

I do think he's hurting you on purpose under the guise of being clumsy.

I practice a martial art. We are supposed to hit each other.
Still, we keep apologising when we think we have actually hurt someone.

A clumsy person keeps apologising and does his/her best to be more careful.

What's the usual deal on Mondays, does he come over after work? Does he have keys to your place? If so, do you have a bolt/chain you can put on so he can't get back in Monday night? You can have the locks changed, but it will obviously cost more if it's immediate/short notice.

How do you feel about staying somewhere else Monday night (or whichever is the first night you normally see him)? A friend/family member who you trust not to let him in if he turns up. Just wondering if that might make it easier for you to break the pattern.

I am thinking one text once he's safely at work and you have changed locks etc to inform him it's over and you don't want him to come round any more. What do others think?

What do others think?

I don't know what to make of this.

Right, so he deliberately broke you down, then deliberately filmed you in a weeping heap on the floor?

He is so far from normal, sweetheart, I don't think you get how frightening he is. He's not beyond beating you up, you'll just have to take our word for it. He's displayed every single behaviour that leads to extreme violence. He would probably film that, too.

Play nice until Monday, then get his stuff out and change the fucking locks. Tell the police (dial 101) you're doing it, and that you fear violence.

He's already assaulted you numerous times, though you've got so used to it you don't see it - what do you think all the 'accidental' hurting you in bed, over and over again, was about? He gets off on it. Breaking things is a violent threat. Throwing things at you is assault. Verbal assault is also against the law.

Is there a real-life friend who would come round to you on Monday?

Eh? I meant I am suggesting a plan, do others think it's a good idea.

I'm presuming your family aren't aware of this behaviour as it is quite sensitive and personal abuse. Could you let them know about the recent violent behaviour such as the head butting and threatening you so they are aware of the situation if you need to stay with them at short notice or call them if he ever tries to enter your property?

Yes, Monday, get his stuff out, change locks or fit bolts. Let him know he's dumped mid afternoon.
At the very least tell your family and friends and ideally get someone to be with you.

Do not allow him in for any reason at all.
Arrange to drop things in a public place, but I'd take smaller stuff to his work and leave at reception, for example.

Calling 101 is also a good idea.

And keep posting and talking to people you trust for emotional support.

I agree re telling a friend/family member, that way you are less inclined to change your mind or minimalise things all the more.

Once you have told someone close in rl it will be easier for you to make the break. Get the locks changed as soon as he has gone to work and see if womens aid will help you get a chain installed and definetly have someone stay over that night or you could stay over somewhere?

This gets so much worse.

This 'accidentally hurting you on purpose' will drive you crazy. And I agree with everything YoniBotts says about the confusion you can end up with if you carry on having sex with him if you have to dissociate. It can effectively rewire your brain so it's hard to feel a 'normal' safe sexual connection.

You can leave, you have no ties to him and you don't owe him anything whatever he might tell you.

I just feel as though he's clumsy and careless all the time.

But it's all accidental, right? No, it isn't. We can all be accidentally clumsy if we don't take care with moving around. But on the whole we don't, because we don't want to hurt people. He does. And then he wants to film you being upset.

If you give him a reason for finishing then he will attack that reason until you feel forced by logic and/or promises to change to take him back.

btw it is something that you usually have to be aware with pushy, very trained salesmen. They are trained to attack the reasons you are rejecting a product in order to make you buy. Never give a reason. Just say it isn't working.

There is no law that says that if you are asked a question you have to answer it except in an actual court room. Are you in a court room? If not you do not have to answer a question Like, why don't you want to see me? Do you think I would do something like that on purpose? Can we just talk about it? Could we just be friends? Just trying to give a heads up on tactics.