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Relationships

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Original poster

Marriage without sex?

137 replies

filee777 · 03/09/2013 17:56

Today I have taken the decision to stop having sex with my husband. Or rather stop expecting him to occasionally have sex with me because he never seems to want it.

I just wondered if anyone else had done the same and had a successful marriage?

OP posts:

Original poster

filee777 · 03/09/2013 19:10

I'm the only one then...

OP posts:

chibi · 03/09/2013 19:14

no, me too. he is still attracted to me, just doesn't want to touch me in any way beyond buddy buddy flatmate.

it is shredding my self esteem. i think i am going to take a lover because i am only in my 30s

but you wanted a success story

ho hum

Original poster

filee777 · 03/09/2013 19:16

Wow, does he know how you feel? I couldn't imagine being with anyone ever again I just feel so awful and overweight and unattractive. I suppose you're in the same position as me with regards to children/house/companionship so breaking up is just unimaginable?

OP posts:

maryjemima · 03/09/2013 19:23

It might just be ok you know. Everyone gets so emotive about sex, but for us it's never been that important. It fizzled out completely ages ago, we've been married for 22 years and haven't had sex for at least the last 10 years. I'm 47. We're very affectionate and close in every other way. It's unusual but do what's right for your relationship, there are so many relationships with good sex but crap everything else!

valiumredhead · 03/09/2013 19:24

What does he say OP when you talk to him about it?

Original poster

filee777 · 03/09/2013 19:27

He says it's because he is lazy or tired or forgetful. That its not me but me being overweight 'doesn't help' that he will try harder and I remind him that making love is not and should not be a chore, that he shouldn't have to feel like he has to but that he should want to. Then it just goes back to nothjng again and I end up 'asking' for sex and nothing happening or we have sex once and then nothing for a month and its just not enough for me, so I feel like I am begging for it and I find it embarrassing and hurtful.

So I think it's easier to just stop.

OP posts:

Absolutelylost · 03/09/2013 19:28

It didn't work for me, I needed the intimacy and it eroded my self esteem.

valiumredhead · 03/09/2013 19:33

OP i think I'd be seeking divorce if my Dh ever said that to me do you get on well otherwise?

Fairylea · 03/09/2013 19:33

I think it can only work if it's what you both want. You clearly still have a sex drive, that won't suddenly stop because you've decided you won't approach him for sex again. I can see resentment building.

Have you exhausted all other ideas? Counselling? Gp for blood tests for him to see if anything else is going on? Does he still masturbate? (Ie does he have any desire at all or has he become a sexual?)

I have been in a sexless marriage and I was so unhappy. It was one of the reasons dh and I split up. I just felt like part of my life was missing. I am now remarried and dh and I have a very active sex life 4 years in, most nights even through having a baby together as well as dd aged 10.

Original poster

filee777 · 03/09/2013 19:39

Yes we get on fine otherwise. He is my best friend. We are just not connected sexually at all.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 03/09/2013 19:40

Were you ever OP?

Original poster

filee777 · 03/09/2013 19:43

It took him a long time to work out what to do, he was very inexperienced when we got together. We have had some nice sexual experiences together but I think I have always been more adventurous than him which I have sort of learned to live with.

OP posts:

PTFO · 03/09/2013 19:59

"I couldn't imagine being with anyone ever again I just feel so awful and overweight and unattractive" "He says it's because he is lazy or tired or forgetful. That its not me but me being overweight 'doesn't help"
^^^^^^^^
This speaks volumes to me. Where's your confidence??

Personally Id start with myself, new hair, make-up, lose a few pounds or stones, new clothes. Find my confidence, thats Very attractive to men. Catch his eye again, flirt. New nightwear, start going out or working out, start taking control of your life and your sex life. You take the initive in the bedroom, put the idea in his head and see where that leads. As someone else mentions it could be health related. Be more tactile too.

And if that dosent work, either live with it or move on but I suspect if you do the above your'll have your answer.

Licketysplit123 · 03/09/2013 20:11

Me too!!

Delurking to say I know exactly how you feel. At one point DH wouldn't have sex for 18 months. Confidence was totally shattered, resentment and hurt took over.

I reiterate what PTFO said, start with yourself. Do what you need to do to regain your confidence in other ways. I started exercising again, gave myself a bit of a makeover, made new friends and it's helped fix some of the damage he's done.

And don't underestimate that damage continued rejection causes. When he does want to have sex again, you probably won't even enjoy it!
Recently, DH has started wanting to DTD again, but Im the one who can't face it now. I'm too paranoid to be intimate with him.

I don't think it will be long before we call time on the marriage tbh. It's not just about the sex, but it is a factor. I am just doing a bit of financial planning to make sure me and DD will be OK. I'm only 30 and I'm pretty convinced this isn't what love should be like.

Good luck

Wittsend13 · 03/09/2013 20:13

I slept in a bed with my ExH for two years because I was fed up of having to try it on with him. So I waited to see if he would with me. Needless to say the marriage didn't work out.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 03/09/2013 20:18

I wouldn't be up for a sexless marriage.

I'm not really interested in sharing my life with a "best friend", I want to be in love and to have someone be in love with me.

You're right, sex with you shouldn't be that much of a chore.

You can keep him as a friend and find someone else to be your lover.

Licketysplit123 · 03/09/2013 20:18

Bold: And don't underestimate that damage continued rejection causes. When he does want to have sex again, you probably won't even enjoy it!

Sorry that sounded completely defeatist and negative, I meant in the context of being rejected for a long period of time without anything to boost your self esteeem. Just making a broad sweeping statement based on my own experience - sorry!!

valiumredhead · 03/09/2013 20:24

Ptfo-so the OP should do even more running? It sounds like she's done enough. How about her Dh making an effort?

Purplehonesty · 03/09/2013 20:26

I could live with it I'm sure. Since I had the dc I just can't be bothered anymore and I'm 33.
My dh and I get along fine but I'd be happy if we were co parents and best friends.
I'd never tell him that tho and if I did it I would expect him to leave.

LEMisdisappointed · 03/09/2013 20:32

valiumredhead · 03/09/2013 20:38

Purple-how old are you kids? I've fallen in love with my Dh all over again since ds has got older and more independent.

HidingFromDD · 03/09/2013 20:45

I did the same as you. We last had sex on my 40th birthday, and only because I instigated it. I guess it was my 'birthday treat'.

I never asked again. 5 years later I left him, had a tumultuous on-off relationship with a passionate french lover, which was very emotionally painful but at least I felt alive, and am now in the (early) stages of what feels like it could be a very loving relationship with someone else.

A sexless marriage is fine if that's what you both want, if one partner wants more IME it kills intimacy and leads to resentment. I have never felt so lonely and unloved as I did in the last few years of my marriage

EasyMark · 03/09/2013 20:45

Ask him if its ok for you to find sex with someone else?

Ask him to stop watching porn and wanking for a month and no sex and see if things improve?

Invest in a bob, battery operated boyfriend?

Original poster

filee777 · 03/09/2013 21:02

Lol at bob

OP posts:

PTFO · 03/09/2013 21:08

valium, its about OP gaining confidence, showing DH what he's missing and perhaps giving him the middle finger, so HE does come running. OP should not let her Dh destroy what confidence and self worth she has left, its all very easy for that to happen in this situation. gook luck op.

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