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Original poster

Marriage without sex?

137 replies

filee777 · 03/09/2013 17:56

Today I have taken the decision to stop having sex with my husband. Or rather stop expecting him to occasionally have sex with me because he never seems to want it.

I just wondered if anyone else had done the same and had a successful marriage?

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 04/09/2013 16:44

Your husband sounds like a complete wanker. If a so called 'friend' told me I wasn't 'beautiful in the traditional sense' I would dump them quick smart. In what context is it ok to say that to someone?Shock

valiumredhead · 04/09/2013 16:46

I really hope counselling and doing your degree etc helps you see that you really deserve much, much better than someone who makes you feel grateful got having him around. I am fuming on your behalf x

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/09/2013 16:47

"he told me that we are compatible and he loves my mind but that I would never been beautiful in a traditional sense"

Shock

What a complete prick!

That is an incredibly cruel thing to say to you.

Really, there are other men.

This man can be your (not very kind) friend.

But you can't share you life with someone who thinks you are physically unattractive, which he clearly does.

SubliminalMassaging · 04/09/2013 16:59

Just how large are you compared to when you met him?

A sexless marriage can be perfectly sustainable with no ill feeling, and I suspect there are far more people living that life than we realise (like the poster upthread who has had no sex for ten years and she's 47) as it's not something many people will readily admit.

But it will only work if you both feel the same about it. If there is any resentment on either side then eventually an affair will happen, or someone will leave.

Floralnomad · 04/09/2013 16:59

OMG your husband sounds a complete delight , I hope you won't allow your sons to grow up with his attitude to women .

AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 17:04

This man doesn't sound like your lover OR your friend

valiumredhead · 04/09/2013 17:05

And clearly your weight makes no difference about the way he feels about you OP as you have already lost it and it made no difference.

TiredDog · 04/09/2013 17:09

I always ponder how threads would go if it was the opposite sex posting. I have seen men posting in a similar vein to the OP get told to do more housework, make more effort so their partner felt more like it.

I'm not suggesting that response is correct or fair...or even successful. Sexual attraction has so many elements to it.

OP I'd say your current stance is working for now...give yourself a breather from the expectation and pressure. Work on your self esteem. I wish you well

jogger · 04/09/2013 17:17

Tbh if it was a man he'd be in danger of being accused of moaning and whingeing and self pity!

But I'm not suggesting for one minute that the OP should be treated like that. It's just that men tend to bite the dust here Smile

TiredDog · 04/09/2013 17:21

I agree. I think sex is a really important way of validating yourself, of feeling loved and cared about. It's not that simple to just blame an 'uninterested' party, male or female. It's also important to recognise how the rejected partner feels

Complicated and very important to both partners to solve

valiumredhead · 04/09/2013 17:24

I don't think if a man had been told he wasn't good looking and his wife didn't want to have sex with him, that people would tell him to stop whingeingConfused

jogger · 04/09/2013 17:27

They'd just tell him straight - your wife doesn't fancy you, matey, get over itGrin

Original poster
filee777 · 04/09/2013 17:43

Some people aren't attractive though, law of averages ;)

I was a size 12 when we met, I was bigger when I was younger but a number of things just ripped my confidence apart. DH was one of those things and he knows it and is sorry for it but at the end of the day it's not his fault that I am fundamentally unattractive. Even when I looked my 'best' I was told that I was unattractive and knocked back. Seriously I am lucky to have this life, to have a loving family and home.

It's just that I can't expect that from him anymore when he doesn't want to give it freely. He lies about it still but it doesn't matter. Truth is he is not attracted enough to me to want to make love to me so he doesn't.

I don't see why our whole marriage has to end because of that part of it.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 04/09/2013 17:43

They'd also wonder why he was still with her of she didn't fancy him.

OP, good luck for the future I really hope you manage to sort something out so you are truly happySmile

valiumredhead · 04/09/2013 17:44

Your posts want to make me weep OPSad so sad you think this it's normal and this is all you deserve.

NutritiousAndDelicious · 04/09/2013 17:58

Sad OP, what size are you now if you don't mind me asking? I have a feeling you are not that huge at all, but he has made you feel like that.

Seriously, you could do better. You deserve better and your sons NEED to see a man who treats women properly.

Floralnomad · 04/09/2013 18:01

Can I also ask what your husband looks like ? Is he a great 'catch ' and terribly attractive ?

Original poster
filee777 · 04/09/2013 18:04

I'm a size 20.

I know, massive.

Huge belly too from having children, I was pregnant for 24 weeks then had a still born and then was pregnant again a month later. I know I shouldn't have got this big but it's been bloody tough

OP posts:
Original poster
filee777 · 04/09/2013 18:05

He's gorgeous. I think he is the most lovely looking man ever, though he has got a bit tubby!

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 04/09/2013 18:07

I'm that size too and my Dh loves every bit of me, he adores me and makes me feel very loved. Your husband is an arse. Even when you were thin her still wasn't interested so he made up some awful crap about your looks instead. I bet he's no Brad PittShock

NutritiousAndDelicious · 04/09/2013 18:10

How tall are you OP? I think you need to work on you. Make yourself NO. 1.

Your husband sounds like a hypocrite, if he's gained weight as well.

Have you asked him, if he thinks you are so Unattractive (not talking about weight, but his comment on you being beautiful)then why did he notice you/get together with you/have sex with you in the first place?

Original poster
filee777 · 04/09/2013 18:13

I'm 5'6

Huge boobs!

He started seeing me because of lack of other options and then we got on really well and fell in love.
He does love me for my mind just not for my looks. I think his lack of experience in the bedroom never helped it was always a bit fraught and unconnected which I wasn't used to but I helped him past that.

OP posts:
NutritiousAndDelicious · 04/09/2013 18:14

Shock lack of other options? Did he say that??

NutritiousAndDelicious · 04/09/2013 18:14

Ok I may be way off base and I'm sorry if I upset you, but, do you think he could possibly be gay?

AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 18:15

So you have both got a bit tubby ?

Then why is he the one who gets away with it, and you get to be made to feel like shit ?

I bet your self esteem would blossom if you simply told him to fuck right off

Why do you have this man on a pedestal like some sort of Adonis ? There is someone for everyone and he isn't it.

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