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Original poster

Marriage without sex?

137 replies

filee777 · 03/09/2013 17:56

Today I have taken the decision to stop having sex with my husband. Or rather stop expecting him to occasionally have sex with me because he never seems to want it.

I just wondered if anyone else had done the same and had a successful marriage?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 18:16

Yep, bent as a nine bob note. What a pity he had to annihilate your self esteem to cover up that fact.

valiumredhead · 04/09/2013 18:18

Lack of other options? Jesus wept!

Original poster
filee777 · 04/09/2013 18:22

I don't think he's gay, he watches 'normal' porn and looks at women when we are out and stuff.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 04/09/2013 18:24

He looks at women when you are out?Shock

How often does he watch porn?

Original poster
filee777 · 04/09/2013 18:25

Watches porn about twice a week. I don't mind him looking at women when we are out.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 18:26

Porn hound then who has demolished his sense of what a real woman actually is by frictioning his knob raw to silicon tits and bleached arseholes

Although I have known some GMID (Gay men in denial) who are the biggest skirt chasers in the world

AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 18:29

he's not asexual then is he, if he is wanking to porn and eyeing up women in the street

Original poster
filee777 · 04/09/2013 18:31

No he's not asexual, nor do I think he's gay. He just doesn't fancy me (which is understandable)

OP posts:
Original poster
filee777 · 04/09/2013 18:32

When we married I was a size 18 and pregnant. Things didn't seem to be a problem then as much. Though we do have different sex drives. I would have it every day if I could!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 18:37

OK, you know him and I don't. But I think it's more likely that he is gay than it being "understandable" that he doesn't fancy you. IYSWIM.

Original poster
filee777 · 04/09/2013 18:38

Really? So you've never met someone who is ugly?

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 04/09/2013 18:44

I'm sorry but this man doesn't love you because if he did he wouldn't say these things to you ,you really need to work on your self esteem . Have you tried counselling ?

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 04/09/2013 18:44
Sad

It's not just the lack of sex that's the problem here, filee - it's the fact he's crushed your self esteem so thoroughly. He's not your friend, that's not what friends do.

Until your last post I was assuming he was just not very sexual but if he's using porn twice a week it's obviously not that.

He's the one with the problem, not you. He prefers a porny wank to loving sex with a woman who idolises him.

I hope doing your degree gives your self confidence a massive boost (mine did) and you begin to see how much better life could be without this constant chipping away at your self esteem.

AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 18:46

He married you, and now he is demeaning and denigrating your looks and destroying your self esteem in the process. That is not the actions of a good man. The best I can fashion out of such a reprehensible mode of behaviour is that he is very defensive about his lack of sex drive ie. the problem is his not yours and how you look.

We all change over the years. If you really love someone a few extra stones or hairy ears does not change that.

AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 18:47

Crossed with pubey

Original poster
filee777 · 04/09/2013 18:58

He really is a lovely guy loving and attentive father, does housework. Etc Etc.

OP posts:
OttilieKnackered · 04/09/2013 19:02

Please, OP, please do not say that you're lucky to have what you have. Please don't feel like this man is doing you a favour.

Whether he's the cause or not (and it sounds a lot like he is) you shouldn't feel that way about yourself. There are thousands of men out there who would be more than happy to help you to feel better about yourself.

Stability for your children is important, but not at the expense of your own happiness. If he is as good a dad as you make out, he will be a good dad still if you separate.

You sound lovely (if totally devoid of confidence). There are so many men out there who would appreciate you and totally turn your feelings about yourself around, whether you lost weight etc or not. You only have one life, please don't spend it missing out on something which is clearly so important to you as it is to most others.

valiumredhead · 04/09/2013 19:02

No he is NOT a really lovely guy and you SHOULD mind your Dh looking at other women in the street.

Purplemonster · 04/09/2013 19:05

OP, I feel your pain, really I do I'm in a very similar position. I'm not overweight or ugly and yet my self esteem has been battered by living with a man who doesn't want to have sex with me. I feel like it must all be my fault when it's clearly him that's got the problem. We've just had a baby and as much as we're a 'happy little family' I keep thinking about the future and wondering how long I can sustain a relationship without any physical intimacy. It's making me miserable and the thought of loving like this forever makes me want to cry. I don't know what the answer is because like you, I want to raise our child together but I'm only 31, my sex life shouldn't be over Sad

Original poster
filee777 · 04/09/2013 19:08

I'm 29... I never thought for a second that my sex life would be over before my 20s were... But here we are.

I have had children with this man, I have married him for better or worse. I wouldn't feel right leaving him for something that I do feel is partially out of his control.

OP posts:
PlentyOfPubeGardens · 04/09/2013 19:14

He's not exactly loving, honouring and cherishing you though, is he?

NutritiousAndDelicious · 04/09/2013 19:16

It is in his control. As is his disrespect for you. He sounds like someone I know very well that is gay and in denial. He even wanks to straight porn, because he is wanking over the man!

You sound so ground down. Please see someone for your self esteem. Loads and loads of women who are a size 20 with huge boobs have men chasing after them! Look at b&b websites to prove that! You are worth something as a person, you and your children are worth more than this.

Just because you married him does not give him permission to treat you like shit. Sad

Refoca · 04/09/2013 19:26

Hi filee, just read this whole post and couldn't read and run...I just wanted to give you my support, sounds like you've had a hard conversation with your DH and made a hard choice based on your priorities for you, DCs etc.

It sounds like this has freed up some headspace, so invest the time into whatever you want/need right now...dealing with other aspects of your mental health, physical health, time with the kids, dates with DH without any expectations putting pressure on the evening...

It's early days. As you can see from pp'ers, sometimes sexless is a stepping stone to leaving, sorting out the problem or does become a longer term way of life. But it's early days for you...keep an open mind, revisit it as often as necessary, consider Relate or similar if a third party would help the conversation with your DH.

As for beauty, and your DH's frank opinions on what he loves about you, I would value his honesty but see it for what it is - his opinion. And your view of yourself is just an opinion too. It does not make 'not beautiful in the traditional sense' a fact of your life. Find the small things you do find beautiful, maybe in time ask your DH to find small things he finds beautiful too, and maybe your perception and language and actions towards each other will gradually shift.

LadyInDisguise · 04/09/2013 19:44

I want to give you an insight from the other side. I have been in a sexless marriage because I didn't want sex.
DH was also inexperienced and thoughtless. So he said and did things in a same fashion than your DH has. Not from spite but from not understanding the hurt that sort of words or behaviour could have.

It has been hard and our marriage suffered but not from the lack of sex. The lack of sex was a symptom of other problems going on. As we solved these issues, my libido came back.
I would also say that DH wouldn't be considered beautiful by normal standard. But it didn't cause an issue at the start and it still doesn't stop me having sex iyswim.
But most importantly, it's how I have been feeling about myself that has made a difference. Feeling confident in yourself makes you attractive, whether you meet the criteria of so called beauty or not.
The idea of stopping to ask for sex is a good idea. When DH was trying all the time to push me to have sex, even with a kiss or caress, it annoyed me and put me off. It also will destroy your confidence.
Then start working on yourself. Do it for you, gf or your own well being. And younger find that your DH will come back or that you actually have enough.

Good luck!

LadyInDisguise · 04/09/2013 19:49

Btw leaving being out of his control... No it might not be but then there are a lot of other reasons that aren't under his control which would explain why you want to leave.
You might fall out of love.
You might change your outlook on life and decide it's not enough.
All of these would be good enough reasons to leave even though he has no control over it.

But that fact should never stop you from living your life fully.