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Original poster

Marriage without sex?

137 replies

filee777 · 03/09/2013 17:56

Today I have taken the decision to stop having sex with my husband. Or rather stop expecting him to occasionally have sex with me because he never seems to want it.

I just wondered if anyone else had done the same and had a successful marriage?

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 03/09/2013 21:13

She shouldn't need to find confidence, her dp shouldn't be making her feel crap even of she has gained weight.

LEMisdisappointed · 03/09/2013 21:21

The thing is PTFO, i wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't see past a few extra pounds stone (im talking about me here, not you Filee)

You know you need to work on your self esteem and you are doing this - you know what, loose weight if YOU want to, do it for you, IF you want to. This is about you and not him. My DP has mentioned that i should lose a few pounds but so could he and he recognises this. I just think that you need to find your spark again, and that wont necessarily come from losing weight.

Original poster
filee777 · 03/09/2013 22:52

I think the reality is that I cannot live without him, he is the father of my children and my best friend. But I cannot regain my confidence and sense of self while he is knocking me back. I think telling him I will not have sex with him again has meant I have regained some sort of control. I won't be pleading for anything anymore and I can tell myself that the reason he doesn't 'go for it' is because I have told him not too.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 03/09/2013 22:55

That really doesn't sound sustainable OP.

jogger · 03/09/2013 23:53

So how did he react to being told he couldn't have sex with you any more?
Was he shocked? Did he say he didn't want that? Or did it not seem to bother him? Did he just accept it?

MrsJackAubrey · 04/09/2013 00:04

I share OPs experience. DH just not into sex at all right from the start. Swears he's not gay that he thinks I'm attractive and enjoys the sex we do or did have. I've always done the chasing for sex.

We have had sex once in the last 5 years and about 40 times in the whole 17 years together. It is okay now we sleep in separate beds and the pretence, hope or desire to have sex has gone.

We have a good family life. He treats me with respect affection and supports me (work etc not financially). I almost left 10 years ago and am glad I didn't. but when our kids leave home I am not sure I'll stay with him. I'm 49 and would like to have more affection and love I my life if that is possible.

So short answer - yes it can work but you do sacrifice ALOT for the things you - and your DCs - gain

Original poster
filee777 · 04/09/2013 07:22

When I told him that we weren't going to go there anymore he was a bit hurt and said he was disappointed with himself. I explained to him that we had been here before x amounts of times and there really was no need for further conversation on it. That it made me feel vulnerable and hideous and I couldn't feel like that anymore.

He accepted it and we moved on. Did everything we normally did last night, he helped me with my maths, I went to work, he made dinner we went to bed. Just without the 'wondering' and cheeky kisses on my part that are ignored I suppose. It was easier.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 04/09/2013 07:56

Oh God that sounds so sad OP. See how it goes but don't give up everything if its not what you want, life is way too short.

Original poster
filee777 · 04/09/2013 07:59

I don't see at the moment that there is any other option really, my mental health is not good so need to sort that our and can't while I am wondering about why he doesn't want to have sex with me ever. The children are very young and love their daddy very much, I would have to really change their lives to remove him and, selfishly, I don't want to raise them on my own, I like having the support and us doing things as a family, being a unit.

OP posts:
jogger · 04/09/2013 09:47

I wonder what he'd say if you told him that since he's never been interested and as a result you've now decided to end all possibility of it with him for your own dignity and sense of self worth, you'd maybe like to have sex with someone else in the future, if the opportunity arose, just a sort of friendly f-buddy thing only, not an affair. Would he allow you the freedom to make this kind of arrangement? Or would he be horrified?
It seems harsh if a partner doesn't want sex with you and has turned you down repeatedly that he or she won't allow you to have sex with anyone else either.
Maybe not a good idea for you, but just a thought.

valiumredhead · 04/09/2013 10:10

That feeling of wondering why he doesn't want you won't go away though OP x

CoffeeandScones · 04/09/2013 10:31

What valium said. Although it might take sex off the table and stop you trying and getting rejected, the feeling of rejection and unhappiness is unlikely to go away, and will probably grow.

Some people can genuinely live without sex. But some (most?) people can't, and it's not fair to deny yourself for the rest of your life if you are one of those people.

It's not a trivial or selfish thing either. It's not like giving up red wine, or motorbikes (or whatever). It's an important part of your life.

Original poster
filee777 · 04/09/2013 10:41

Is it as important as help raising the kids? Support emotionally and in the home though?

Because I get all these things from him and he is part of the family, I just think we need to pretend that sex doesn't exist anymore.

OP posts:
jogger · 04/09/2013 10:44

I'm not one of them, but many seem to say it's only a want, not a need, not like the need for food, for example. So because it's not an essential need you can live without it if you have to, they say.

valiumredhead · 04/09/2013 10:45

That's not possible because sex does exist.

You can still raise your family together without denying yourself one of the most basic things in life.

Very different if both partners aren't interested but you clearly are.

CoffeeandScones · 04/09/2013 10:48

Being apart wouldn't mean you aren't both raising the kids though. If you both love them and want the best for them (which I'm sure you do), you can make it work while living apart.

Do you feel like DH is the only person who could offer you emotional support and help etc? You could find that with someone else, and have an intimate relationship too (which IS a part of a loving relationship, it's not just an urge to suppress).

I'm not saying leave him necessarily, but don't stay for fear that you can't find someone else.

And FWIW kids will pick up on your intimate boundaries. If you are 'cold' to one another in certain respects (ie not hugging, or kissing, whatever), they will grow up thinking that's how couples should behave.

Original poster
filee777 · 04/09/2013 10:51

Seriously nobody else would have me. I am overweight, unattractive and I have mental health issues.

0 out of 3!

I am lucky to have been given the opportunity to have children I really am.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 04/09/2013 10:54

Ring your gp and ask to be referred for counselling. You are not 'lucky' you sound miserable, as most people would if they lived with a man they felt they needed to be grateful to and also had no sex.

Original poster
filee777 · 04/09/2013 10:57

I was supposed to have my first psychology assessment yesterday and I got myself all ready, went down there and the receptionists had given me the wrong time.

I was actually showing them the bit of paper they had given me with the time on it and they were still fucking arguing with me.

So I couldn't make it.

OP posts:
CoffeeandScones · 04/09/2013 10:57

What valium said. Again.

You need to regain your self-confidence, and for all that you think DH is being emotionally supportive, evidently he's not helping there (I don't mean to be harsh, maybe he has good intentions - but it's not right that you feel this way)

valiumredhead · 04/09/2013 11:00

And if all you are is friends then there will be no problem remaining friends while you seek love elsewhere.

Darkesteyes · 04/09/2013 14:09

The OPs husband has no right to be horrified if the OP decides to seek sex elsewhere. Especially as he is doing nothing to rectify the situation.

Playing "i dont want you but i dont want anyone else to have you" is possessive controlling and abusive.

Original poster
filee777 · 04/09/2013 14:17

The likelihood of me 'seeking' sex elsewhere is slim to none.

Nope, it's a part of my life that is no more.

OP posts:
jogger · 04/09/2013 16:13

In that case there will be no sex at all in your life then.
Maybe you need to make the best of things by forming some sort of long term plan for the immediate future:
1 Perhaps join a weight watchers' group and build up self esteem when you see yourself losing weight.
2 As far as the children will allow - Pursue your interests more intensively so that you get more satisfaction from them and from what you achieve - all confidence building
3 Go out more, maybe attend a gym, for instance. Also, go out more socially with friends.
4 Or make new friends by taking up some new interest maybe
5 Buy a vibrator as a stop gap?

These are just my ideas for a plan. You may think of better ones that you'd prefer.

In other words, fill up the gap in your life left by lack of any sex with your husband. Think of different ways of compensating for it, having accepted you've just got a very close friend but not a lover.
There are probably many people in the same boat. Certainly, men are never done complaining about lack of sex with their wives.

Get it out of your head that you're unattractive. It is quite certain that there will be men out there who would find you attractive and would want to make love to you. Seriously.
Who knows what may happen in the future if you go out more and mix and do new things? As the children get older it will become a little easier.

Original poster
filee777 · 04/09/2013 16:37

I did lose a lot of weight after my (last) son was born but nothing improved, I told my husband I wanted to feel like he thought I was beautiful and he told me that we are compatible and he loves my mind but that I would never been beautiful in a traditional sense. He's right, I am not beautiful, some people aren't and I am one of them.

I think I've got the best I could ask for really. I did go to the gym for a while, had a bit of a mental break down and ended up on anti depressants and doing lots of anti-social hours at work which I hadn't signed up for. So I am due to start a degree in about 3 weeks time and am doing a level 2 in maths to get in along with a bunch of reading and course work.

Essentially I couldn't contemplate not having my 'other half' in my life right now, he is a massive part of the family and that's so important for my development as well as for he kids.

OP posts: