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Original poster

Marriage without sex?

137 replies

filee777 · 03/09/2013 17:56

Today I have taken the decision to stop having sex with my husband. Or rather stop expecting him to occasionally have sex with me because he never seems to want it.

I just wondered if anyone else had done the same and had a successful marriage?

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 04/09/2013 19:56

Filee - i am a size 22 and still have an active sex life - he is hiding some serious issues here, i can't help but wonder if he has a problem that he is putting on you. My DP has often mentioned (meekly!) that i should lose weight, he needs to lose weight too - but he has never EVER said he has found me unattractive because of it.

I think he needs to stop with the porn! If he is getting his jollies there, he wont have any "left over" for you - ask him to stop. I actually don't hae a problem with porn but it is interfering with your love life (notice i don't say sex life!) and that is a problem. He needs to meet you half way with this - what would make him more interested, and don't you dare say you losing weight, its really not that. Does he have erectile issues?

Twattergy · 04/09/2013 19:58

Men stop having sex with women for lots of reasons and hardly ever to do with the womans size/looks. I was in an almost sexless relationship in my late 20s .I am a size 8 and conventionally pretty. We were just totally emotionally disconnected from each other. Oh and then he started shagging someone else. My confidence was destroyed. Please don't blame your weight/looks.

Darkesteyes · 04/09/2013 21:19

OP heres my experience.

everydayvictimblaming.com/submissions/my-mother-misogyny-men/

Darkesteyes · 04/09/2013 21:30

Im a size 20 too and you will see the details in the above link about my sexless marriage.
I have recently discovered the joy of excersise. Been out power walking most days and am hoping to build up to running once ive ordered a sports bra. I have the boobage too.
But you know what I now REFUSE to let my situation destroy my confidence Im told i look younger than 40 I like my thick long dark hair (although i have to have it coloured back to its natural colour now) and i like my dark brown eyes. My ex OM loved them too. Said they were so dark you could hardly see the irises.

It is NOTHING to do with weight OP Or your looks Nothing at all.

Lizzabadger · 04/09/2013 22:08

Oh dear - do you really want to condemn yourself to a sexless life aged 29?

You sound like your self-esteem is all caught up in how you look. There are lots and lots of aspects to you - not just your appearance.

I hope you can work on finding ways to feel better about yourself rather than feeling that you have to settle for this 10th rate life because it is all you feel you can get.

Beccaloolah · 04/09/2013 22:14

Erm, can anyone recommend a battery without a boyfriend?

underthewestway · 04/09/2013 22:44

OP you sound lovely. What is self evident though from your posts is that your mental health issues are what is making you feel unattractive, and I think your DH is part of that vicious circle.

You are clearly not fat, although that in itself is only a very minor part of how attractive anyone is perceived to be. I have suffered from very serious depression. I'm happily now recovered from that, but I can remember having to take 2 weeks off work because at the time I genuinely believed I was so unattractive that people would laugh at me if I went out. I look back on that and could cry for myself because it was patently nonsense and came from deep unhappiness.

Years later, I am now with a man who is genuinely the nicest, kindest person I have ever been with. I knew him for ages before we got together. I never - to this day - found him 'conventionally attractive'. He's a bit tub. He has a beautiful mind. That made me fall for him. But it also makes me want to fuck his brains out on a daily basis. And you deserve someone who feels the same way about you.

SimLondon · 04/09/2013 23:12

Everyone has already said what i would say - bar one thing.
Your happy to bring your children up in a loveless marriage, where their mothers self-esteem is on the floor, i think that's a bit lazy of you.

underthewestway · 04/09/2013 23:24

Sim, I feel that is a bit harsh. No one chooses for their self esteem to be on the floor. And if it is, telling the person that it is lazy is hardly going to improve matters.

Of course, it would be fantastic if people were robots and always could act in the complete interest of their kids - not. But life isn't like that, OP is struggling, and in the fullness of time will do the best for her children. Calling her lazy is not going to do anything- and is unfair to someone who is obvs demoralised.

Darkesteyes · 04/09/2013 23:43

VICTIM BLAMING KLAXON.

Darkesteyes · 04/09/2013 23:46

underwestway your partner sounds a bit like my ex OM People said to me that he wasnt conventionally attractive and he had a bit of a belly too but i liked that. But my GOD the sexual chemistry was electric. Perfection is overated IMO If only men thought the same.

sunshine401 · 05/09/2013 00:06

When he says you being overweight does not help. In what content?
Meaning your low self-esteem? Or he is physically not attracted to you because you are overweight? Now either way he did not word it right did he :(
If it is the second then I strongly advise you seek guidance alone without your DH present.
If it is the first here is my story might help

My DH went through a very low self-esteem issue when he hit his late 30's. He became very shy and emotional that I personally did not want to get intimate with him because it always felt like he was simply doing it because he felt he had to. His total lack in confidence was glowing in all his actions. Was not nice at all.

Of course I still loved him just as much as ever and still do. However the Sex stopped for around 6 months completely by my choice. We sat down we talked about everything. We agreed to seek help, which we did. We took up longs walks and other things together.
Anyway what my point boils down too is that we are now just as happy as ever and everything is back to the way it was when we first met Wink.

Original poster
filee777 · 05/09/2013 09:15

We had a good chat about things last night, he said he has not been in any way sexual for a good while now and so I think he might be a bit depressed and low rather than it being anything to do with us. I would really like us to try and make things work but we both have so many hang ups, I wonder if that is possible. We are a great couple in other ways but he feels that he 'never gets anything right' with sex when all I want is for him to feel it and enjoy it.

So we are just going to try and get our heads straight, we are both pretty full on with work and children right now. I don't think we could manage living apart and I don't think either of us want to.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/09/2013 10:49

Counselling?

Original poster
filee777 · 05/09/2013 11:05

Can you get sex counselling? Does it cost a fortune?

I think it will definitely be something we consider in the future.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 05/09/2013 12:30

You need to sort out your relationship first, good sex will follow imo.

valiumredhead · 05/09/2013 12:30

Sorry, general counselling will help.

Lizzabadger · 05/09/2013 18:08

I think you should ask your GP for a referral for sex therapy. They will work on some of your relationship issues too (the ones relevant to your lack of sex). I would try this first of all as I think you'd both be a lot happier if your sex life was sorted out. Sex therapy has a high success rate.

Lizzabadger · 05/09/2013 18:13

Try for here if you are in/near London:

www.national.slam.nhs.uk/services/adult-services/psychosexual/

Original poster
filee777 · 05/09/2013 18:32

We talked about sex therapy and he is up for it which is great, there is a relate centre in our city, wil speak to them.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/09/2013 18:35

...and don't tolerate any more attacks on your self esteem in an effort to boost his own

Original poster
filee777 · 05/09/2013 18:36

He really isn't like that, his 'attacks on my self esteem' are due to an inability to see the bigger picture or to understand the impact of his words.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/09/2013 18:37

Stop excusing him, he's not a child who doesn't "understand" what he is doing

Floralnomad · 05/09/2013 18:39

Is he up for general relationship counselling as that is what you need ?

Original poster
filee777 · 05/09/2013 18:49

Our relationship is actually very good, I should explain that I have MH issues that cause me to overreact to things a lot. The last two weeks I have been studying in the day and working in the evening, DH has been coming home after a nine hour day, cooking dinner and putting the children to bed before cleaning the whole house. He is exhausted understndably. He is also studying and we have two very young children.

We have lovely chats, we talk about our days, we cuddle on the sofa and share massages, he is very accepting of me and helps me through very awkward social issues, we go out and have fun with the children.

He is certainly not out to hurt me, he is very emotionally confused and is devastated that he hurts me, he wants us to take up a sport together and have a date night once a month. He has agreed to counselling and understands that his hang ups about his abilities with sex has led to confusion and upset for me.

He is not a barstard.

OP posts: