Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh keeps doing something I don't like in bed

560 replies

Moochicken · 02/09/2013 22:10

Without wanting to go into too much detail, dh keeps doing something during sex which I don't like. I ask him not to and after a few minutes he does it anyway.

It doesn't happen every time but he did it again last night. He apologized after and said he won't do it again (he says this everytime) and now he can't understand why I'm still pissed off.

How seriously would you take this? If I said no and stopped sex he would listen and would never force me to do something but I still feel uncomfortable that he basically ignores my wishes.

OP posts:
curlew · 03/09/2013 13:37

He is not forcing her I suppose-but he is not giving her a choice.

itisnotmereallyohnonotatall · 03/09/2013 13:43

Perhaps we should change the word to coerce then? It has less physically violent connotations but retains the impact. If thst makes you feel better.

In my mind there is no difference between the occasions where I was forced and those where I was coerced. I had no choice in either case, I was raped. I did not consent.

BitBewildered · 03/09/2013 13:43

But she has told him not to do it curlew. Then he 'forgets' and does it. He is forcing her. He is doing it when he knows she does not consent.

meandtheboys · 03/09/2013 13:47

What you need to consider OP is why, I mean really why would he get pleasure from doing something you have told him repeatedly takes your enjoyment out of the intercourse?

He is bullying you. He is hoping you will eventually will stop saying no (because let's face it, it doesn't matter whether you say no or not does it?)...Like others have said, this IS assault. He is penetrating a part of your body that you haven't given your consent to. Not only have you not given your conent but you've told him many times you don't want it or like it. It doesn't matter whether you have given consent to anything else.

Any man who would do something time after time that they know the other person is turned off by just for his own gratification is abusing you. I know that's hard to hear. I am sure you love him and don't want to think that.

You need to stop him. It doesn't matter whether you are already having sex, you have the right to decline anything that makes you uncomfortable and he should want to please you. You need to stop making excuses for him before it escalates.

Sorry to be blunt but there is no way a decent loving man would ever want to do something that hurt you or turn you off. He is trying to see if maybe this time you won't say no, then he can try it again and eventually you'll agree to anal sex, or maybe you won't but he won't stop when you say no. Sorry to sound so blunt but he is very clearly in the wrong.

Contrarian78 · 03/09/2013 13:49

I'm going to comment here. I know I probably shouldn't but I do it with the best of intentions. I know the poster has said they're going to go away, but I do have a degree of sympathy with her.

As much as she might complain about her partner and dislike what he does, she obviously doesn't feel that strongly about it that she's ready to see him labelled a sex offender. I've aired my own views and felt the wrath of Mumsnetters (some justified/some not) but the things that hurt the most were when people made comments/insiunations about my wife.

I didn't get the impression that the OP was some brow-beaten hen pecked wife, just that she has a husband who struggles with boundaries and being told 'no'. I accept this could be a slippery slope, but again, I didn't really get that impression.

I'm not trying to minimise his behaviour, but I've been in his position (exactly) I'm going to be even more popular on here Smile

Sometimes my wife would be quite receptive. Other times...... less so. When I'm told 'No' I always listen apart from once when I genuinely didn't hear her (God's honest truth). The situation is slightly different but I don't think I ever considered it sexual abuse, and I'm pretty sure my wife doesn't/didn't.

I know also from personal experience op and I'm absolutely embarassed to tell you this but it's important that he'll do this when he's watching porn. It distorts your understanding of what's acceptable/mainstream and what isn't. You end up thinking that it's normal for everyone (and of course for some it is) even if it's not really something you do in your own relationship.

OxfordBags · 03/09/2013 13:51

He is forcing his finger into her anus, Curlew. She's not eagerly bending over and spreading her bumcheeks wide to let it in, is she? It is force, he is forcing her. She does not want it and he does it. Think about someone putting their finger into your bum - it would not happen easily, would it? It would take effort, and, if someone was resisting, FORCE.

And is 'not giving someone a choice' force by another name? If someone has no choice, then it happens by FORCE. Trying to gussy up how you describe doesn't change the fact it's sexual assault.

Why do people fear calling a spade a spade? It's all about them not having to face how nasty people can be, it doesn'thelp the person with the problem to try to find woolly language to describe bad things, or to try to find linguistic ways to minimise them.

Binkyridesagain · 03/09/2013 13:54

Struggling with boundaries? The boundary is when she says NO,

meandtheboys · 03/09/2013 13:55

But she isn't 'sometimes receptive' Contarian78 . She has said countless times NO. There is no way he isn't understanding this. He continues to do so knowing she hates it. That is not the same thing as you and your wife. Sometimes I'm in an anal sex mood, sometimes I'm not. That's fine. What's not fine is when she doesn't like it. Has said NO but he does it anyway.

Fairenuff · 03/09/2013 13:57

I've been in his position (exactly)

Sometimes my wife would be quite receptive. Other times...... less so

This is not the position she describes. She is not 'sometimes receptive'.

This is not the same situation at all.

You say you have been in the exact same position. So, did you stick your finger in your wife's anus, her tell you to stop it, she doesn't like it, then you left it a few minutes and did it again, knowingly against her wishes? Did you?

Did you do it over and over again, despite being told, repeatedly, not to?

Did you apologise, promise not to do it again, and then do it anyway.

Did you?

If not, then, no, you haven't been in the exact same position have you.

Lweji · 03/09/2013 13:57

More like he's pushing her boundaries.

OxfordBags · 03/09/2013 13:58

Contrarian, if you did something without her consent, then you sexually assaulted her. Not hearing no is not the same as hearing yes. Not calling it that yourself doesn't stop it being so.

A husband that struggles with boundaries and being told no is an abuser. A ormal, decent, loving, respectful partner, male or female, does not push at intimate boundaries or resent being told no. They do not think that their own needs are so important that they can keep trying to push their partner to change their mind. That mindset is abuse, or, at the very least, so immature, self-centred, so incapable or understanding that other people are real and equal to yourself that they are not fit to be in a relationship.

And again, a man who is so involved with porn that it distorts his understanding of what's normal or acceptable is a man whois dangerous to be in a relationship with, and needs psychological treatment. Also, a man who can be that affected by porn must be prettythick, gullible and with a propensity towards misogyny in thefirst place. What you describe here is not normal male behaviour, nor is it common. It is a pathology.

If you keep finding MNers commenting negatively on what you reveal a out yourself and your views and actions in these areas, when are you going to stop thinking it's us being a certain way, and start examining your own self?!

Contrarian78 · 03/09/2013 14:11

binkyridesagain: I know. I agree. He struggles with that.

Fairenuff · 03/09/2013 14:13

He doesn't 'struggle' with boundaries, he disregards them.

There is a difference.

Binkyridesagain · 03/09/2013 14:16

I'm not saying he struggles with boundaries, I'm saying he completely disregards them and rapes his wife.

Fairenuff · 03/09/2013 14:23

That's what I thought you meant Binky

Contrarian78 · 03/09/2013 14:23

I meant that I'd been told off for putting my fingers (unbidden) where I shouldn't. You're right, the scenario is not exactly.

Oxfordbags: We all do many things without the positive consent of others. SOmetimes you have to be told "no" When I'm told "no", I listen. My wife accepted my defence that I hadn't heard her (I heard her the second time) as I've always stopped when she's said "No" Which on reflection is possibly half the time. It's not something I do all the time.

Your comments re porn are puzzling. As much as my Dad tells me that my generation didn't invent sex, I'm pretty sure (or it's an impression I get at least) that things (like this as it happens) are much more widespread nowadays. Porn culture has (for men and women) undoubtably had an impact - for better or worse. I'm not an authorithrity on the matter though.

I have examined my own self. I didn't think my behaviour was wrong (this relates to something else (sort of)). but in the face of overwhelming MN opinion - some of it constructive, some of it not - I had to accept that I was in the wrong.

I'm not saying this guy is in the right, nor do I seek to excuse it. I just suggested that it was clear that the op wasn't ready to see her husband - that father of her children - put on the sex offenders register. I offered my own tuppence worth regarding the way porn can distort you views. It affects different people in different ways.

Binkyridesagain · 03/09/2013 14:26

Thank god!

Any man that 'Struggles' with boundaries, that does not understand what the word NO means or assumes that consent to sex means any sexual act he wishes to perform whether his partner wishes it or not, is a dangerous man and should not be near a human being ever again.

Contrarian78 · 03/09/2013 14:26

Even I (my newly enlightened feminist self) tongue firmly in cheek would counsel against use of the word rape. I don't doubt that it's accurate in the difinitive sense, but it's less than constructive. This whole spade a spade thing (potentially a racist term I believe) isn't always helpful.

Contrarian78 · 03/09/2013 14:28

*definitive

Binkyridesagain · 03/09/2013 14:28

He penetrated her without her consent, that is rape!

Fairenuff · 03/09/2013 14:30

My wife accepted my defence that I hadn't heard her (I heard her the second time) as I've always stopped when she's said "No" Which on reflection is possibly half the time Shock

Contrarian your posts get more and more worrying. Why does you wife have to say "no" to you so often? Have you thought about that.

I'm not sure that your posts are helpful to the OP, you seem to be trying to give reasons that make sexual abuse acceptable, under certain circumstances.

Contrarian78 · 03/09/2013 14:31

You miss my point (however invalid you might think it is).

Lweji · 03/09/2013 14:33

Why does you wife have to say "no" to you so often?

Quite.

Have considered asking her before doing things she has said no to in the past?

Binkyridesagain · 03/09/2013 14:34

Point?

Calling rape, rape? what else should it be called?

Contrarian78 · 03/09/2013 14:34

She doesn't say no every time. sOMetimes she encourages it, sometimes it's off limits. There are other things too (north of the waist) which she likes sometimes. Other times (of the month) she hates them. I just need to be told. That can't be that unusual can it?

I'm not making sexual abuse acceptable. I have a daughter of my own. I've not once excused what this man is doing. I'm merely pointing out that the op has felt that her husband (justifyably or not) is getting a hard time. I think that toning down the language and rhetoric would be helpful. I know that from personal experience.