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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh keeps doing something I don't like in bed

560 replies

Moochicken · 02/09/2013 22:10

Without wanting to go into too much detail, dh keeps doing something during sex which I don't like. I ask him not to and after a few minutes he does it anyway.

It doesn't happen every time but he did it again last night. He apologized after and said he won't do it again (he says this everytime) and now he can't understand why I'm still pissed off.

How seriously would you take this? If I said no and stopped sex he would listen and would never force me to do something but I still feel uncomfortable that he basically ignores my wishes.

OP posts:

Contrarian78 · 03/09/2013 14:37

binky The point I was making was that whilst the definition was doubtless correct the use of this emotive term (despite being technically correct) was perhaps unhelpful.

HairyGrotter · 03/09/2013 14:39

You have to be told? How tiring for your wife! I don't have to tell DP Yes or no, mind you, he's not like a dog with two dicks warped by porn. He's, like, nice, normal and respectful and all that.

TheSecondComing · 03/09/2013 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 03/09/2013 14:41

It's not unhelpful, Contrarian, it's minimising to call it anything less, and therein lies the problem.

It's hard enough for the OP to take in the fact that she has been repeatedly sexually abused by her husband, whom she loves.

If posters downplay her concerns, she will believe that her instincts are wrong, that she is making a big deal out of a small matter. That is the opposite of helpful.

She may not like to hear it, she may not be ready to accept it, but she is right to be concerned and to express that concern.

When she is ready, she may come back. If not to this thread, then on another. But she knows that validation and support is here for her, when she is ready.

Binkyridesagain · 03/09/2013 14:42

Suggesting that he struggles with boundaries, or is secretly wanting it done to himself, or looking at the context of the act is unhelpful.

Calling rape by any other name is sugar coating it.

whycantimoveon · 03/09/2013 14:43

OMG I cant believe some of the comments on here! LTB! hes a bully! hes a rapist!

I think those of you calling him a rapist are belittling rape and abuse (in or out of a relationship) the OP has clearly said what happens and that she doesnt feel that is what he H is doing, to me it appears to be something that she finds quite annoying, but it certainly doesnt sound like bullying or abuse to me.

And I may have missed it, but from what the OP describes is that he TRIES to put his finger up her bum, not that he repeatedly PUTS it in there.

And Contrarian, I fully understand where you are coming from, but I dont think you will win on here! on here your an evil, woman hating rapist!

(and i also agree with Wobbly that he may be trying to show her that is what HE wants)

whycantimoveon · 03/09/2013 14:45

And calling the police? seriously?

whycantimoveon · 03/09/2013 14:46

'It's hard enough for the OP to take in the fact that she has been repeatedly sexually abused by her husband, whom she loves'

OMG OMG OMG!!! I have no words!

Writerwannabe83 · 03/09/2013 14:46

I've been in the situation of being in bed with a partner and things are happening that I don't feel comfortable with and it is just awful. I have actually been crying once during the sex because I didn't want it to happen. I have no idea how I found myself in those situations but on reflection I had obviously told myself I just had to accept it. I cringe when I type those words. Somehow our sexual relationship had shifted to one of him being in control and me just letting him do what he liked. How he managed to wear me down to become that kind of woman is beyond me, but somehow he did, and that is the danger of it. The manipulation is vile, the slow drip feeding that leads to a woman questioning herself and her rights....it disgusts me.

Trust is a massive part of any relationship as is sex and the two must go hand in hand. The minute a man purposefully does anything to a woman even though he has been told "No" is abhorrent in my eyes. Especially anal penetration, that is just beyond belief that he thinks he can do such an intimate thing to a person against their will.

You have my sympathies OP, it isn't easy to read these posts. However, be wary of that drip feed effect, don't allow him to push your boundaries, which is what men like this do. They do it so slowly that you don't even notice and then before you know it you things have got very out of control yet somehow you have been conditioned to think that it's acceptable.

Every time he does it you need to stop having sex with him!! You cannot allow the sex to continue and then mention it afterwards - after all, he will then see no need to accept your 'no' as he knows you will let him carry on anyway. And that is a massive flaw on his character, not yours Like I said, I have been in your situation. He has absolutely no right to put his fingers anyway without your permission and as many posters have said, that very first NO should have been the only time you needed to say it.

X x

Contrarian78 · 03/09/2013 14:47

HG Yes. I can't read minds. My wife (like most women I thought) is a fickle creature. Sometimes she likes things, sometimes she doesn't. If, in the throws of passion, I overstep her mark (a mark I should add she's previously been only too happy to leave in the very very very very far distance) she'll ask me to stop - or more likely guide things away from that activity - and I'll oblige. The thing she says no to (the same thing the op was complaining about) we probably do 20% of the time (I'd guess) half of that time, she'd say "no"

I absolutely object ot being called a sexual offender and rape apologist. Do you realise how ridiculous and offensive that is?

Shame on you.

TheSecondComing · 03/09/2013 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Binkyridesagain · 03/09/2013 14:49

What I find really worrying is that these people walk amongst us

MurderOfGoths · 03/09/2013 14:52

Dear god.. I had an ex who thought it was ok to "just try and slip it in" when I'd already said no. Can't believe there are people out there who would actually defend that??

PiperMaru · 03/09/2013 14:52

Fickle
I am quite, quite sure that all humans sometimes fancy something, and don't fancy it at other times. Why that attracts a negative adjective is not clear.

Also, if something in a person's sex life can be analysed as 'well, on a few occasions she has let me do it', it's not a massive leap to the conclusion that it's just not that great...

valiumredhead · 03/09/2013 14:54

No no no. You have said no repeatedly that should be enough but clearly it isn't !

Contrarian78 · 03/09/2013 14:56

In my case (others may be different) she's actively encourages certain things. Sometimes, she actively discourages them. Fickle. not particularly negative. Just.......fickle.

InsultingBadger · 03/09/2013 14:58

That isn't on at all. Next time stop sex and explain why.

YoniTime · 03/09/2013 15:01

Bloody porn ruining hetero sex for people...

OP, kick him in the dick from me. Then dump him. OK maybe you don't want to do the first but it's very serious that he ignores your no and your boundaries.

Contrarian78 · 03/09/2013 15:02

Anyway, sticking to the original thread. The OPs husband is clearly in the wrong. I have not once been an apologist for him (or what he's doing). It may well be that THE VAST VAST VAST majority on here are right I have my doubts That said, the op needs empathy. Yes she needs to be told that the behaviour is wrong and abusive (something she already knows) but that reactive and typical mumsnet response has actually had a negative effect as the op has be "frightened" away. Some people really ought to temper and improve their arguments somewhat.

Writerwannabe83 · 03/09/2013 15:02

I understand Contrarian - sometimes I want my hubby to do certain things to me, but on other occasions I don't. I guess it works in the same way that one day I might want to eat a huge bar of chocolate but the next day just the thought of chocolate makes me feel sick! Without going into detail there is one thing I do to my husband sometimes that he really enjoys, but sometimes I just don't feel in the mood for it. During sex he will indicate to me that he would like to have this particular thing done but if I'm not in the mood that day he doesn't get it, whereas another day he would.

I think the issue though is that the OP has repeatedly said EVERYTIME that she doesn't want him to put his finger up her bottom. It isn't like sometimes she lets him do it and sometimes she doesn't, it has ALWAYS been a no-go area.

So there is no room for confusion in my eyes, there is no excuse as to why her husband thinks it is still ok to do it.

HerdyHerdwick · 03/09/2013 15:03

It's all right 'girls' and 'ladies' - we're fickle because we have a uterus. So no means yes. Sometimes. Because we don't know our own minds. That explains everything.

Binkyridesagain · 03/09/2013 15:05

Is fickle just for women or can we relate it to men as well?

SolidGoldBrass · 03/09/2013 15:14

Yes, different people like different things, sexually. And an individual can want sex-thing A on one day and sex thing B on another. It's all fine as long as people are in a place where they have room to negotiate. If you are in a happy, healthy relationship and one partner says 'I'd love some oral but no PIV tonight' and the other one can say 'I'm not in the mood for oral, shall we have a mutual handjob' or whatever without fear of tantrums, whining, having to justify him/herself for an hour or so 'because you liked it last time' then everything's fine.

None of this is the case for the OP. She's told this man repeatedly to keep his fingers out of her arse. He has taken no notice of what she says.He is abusive.

OxfordBags · 03/09/2013 15:15

'Fickle creature'?! Contrarian, you're one of those dreary men who thinks they are really gentlemanly and pro-women (I bet you say "but I love women!" As a response to any criticism of your attitude, don't you?), but you're actually a subtle form of sexist. Seeing women as so different, so fluctuating and fickle and so on, your words coated with a linguistic form of paternalistic ruffle of adorable female heads, is patronising,and seeing women as 'other'. We are not whimsical, ditsy little children, atthemercy of our strange and unknowable moods, grrr.

And 'calling a spade a spade' is NOT a racist phrase. It was in usage decades before spade became used as a racist term. FYI.

And if it is common for men to use porn as much, and be affected as badly as you describe, then you ought to be ashamed of your own sex, absolutely disgusted.

Contrarian78 · 03/09/2013 15:21

Fickle can apply to men as well as women. I'm fickle.

Binky I fear you may have lost the plot.

Oxford I think you're over analysing things

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