Dh keeps doing something I don't like in bed

[Moochicken]

Without wanting to go into too much detail, dh keeps doing something during sex which I don't like. I ask him not to and after a few minutes he does it anyway.

It doesn't happen every time but he did it again last night. He apologized after and said he won't do it again (he says this everytime) and now he can't understand why I'm still pissed off.

How seriously would you take this? If I said no and stopped sex he would listen and would never force me to do something but I still feel uncomfortable that he basically ignores my wishes.

No Silvery, your original post was clear but Wellwobbly was seeking to justify it I believe so I meant that.

I am utterly amazed that inserting something into someones body after they have repeatedly said no needs "context" before it is considered assault.

To set the record straight on here and to prevent any misunderstandings about the police's treatment regarding this sort of allegation, this would most definitely be classified as a sexual assault and the 'context' would be irrelevant. Everyone who works with survivors of sexual violence realises that 80% of rape and sexual assaults are committed by someone known to the victim and that sexual violence when it occurs, is often within the context of an established sexual relationship.

So although it is sad and infuriating to see these posts talking about 'context' and urging the OP to consider her attacker's sexual fantasies, be reassured that they are entirely out of step with those responsible for administering the law and offering support to survivors of sexual violence.

Yeah, ok. Many of the times my ex raped me we had previously been having consensual sex. So perhaps I should rephrase it?

My ex and I used to have sex. Sometimes during that consensual act he would coerce me and force me into doing things which I said 'no' to. He would do those things anyway despite me saying 'no' repeatedly. He would do those things anyway despite me crying and freezing. He would force my head down so hard during oral sex that I would nearly vomit. He would force me to have PIV intercourse after violent arguments because he said it was the only way he knew how to 'make it better'. He forced me to have anal sex (without lubricant) resulting in bleeding and pain.

Enough context? Not rape though. Oh no.

Thank God for you on here, charbon

Hear hear AF

I am familiar with this statute and never disputed that this would be sexual assault in certain situations - but it is not in this one.

You are confusing consent to intercourse (present) with consent to anal penetration (not present). She consented to one - she has made it very clear that consent was not present for the other. He knew that, as it's something they have argued about before, yet did it anyway.

OP consented to vaginal intercourse. That does not mean her body becomes the man's property in toto. She would have needed to plainly end consent to vaginal intercourse, absolutely, because she consented previously and he had every reason to believe consent endured. She did not need to end consent to something he knows she dislikes intensely and has repeatedly told him not to do.

You are getting confused. This is not a case where a woman changed her mind during sex and needed to let the man know. This is a case where the man is anally penetrating a woman who has specifically stated on several prior occasions that she does not consent. He knows full well consent is lacking. It is therefore a crime. The statute's wording is very plain. He cannot reasonably believe consent is present. He knows it is not.

Yes to what Charbon and Itis are saying. Am currently in a police case against my ex for similar things, I can assure you they take it very seriously indeed. I don't even have a say in whether or not it goes to court anymore, it just will on the grounds of what I told them (I told them to explain some other shit that had happened).
So OP, your partner is sadly a bit of a dickhead, and if he does not stop now, chances are that it'll escalate. Which is really rubbish, I can assure you.

Thanks, Charbon. I was editing out my crosser words and didn't refresh before you posted. Had I read yours, I wouldn't have bothered.

I've now read sexual assault apologism and domestic violence victim-blaming on MN in the last 4 weeks, from regular members. Incredibly depressing. You'd have thought we were past these disgusting myths.

It is so very depressing

I'm both astounded and saddened by the apologists here. The OP has been clear in respect of this much discussed 'context', her partner is carrying out an act she has clearly said no to, many times, yet he continues to go against her wishes. Quite black and white, he is abusing her.

What people also need to remember is that simply because the op doesn't consider this sexual assault, it doesn't change the facts

Thank you, perfectstorm, you have explained that beautifully, I was trying to write something similar but my anger was affecting my coherence.

"Do you give him bjs? How about a nice oral session and an internal massage? Blow his socks off."

Give me strenght!!!

I just think if you love someone, care about them, most other parts of your life is good, then you can change your attitude to certain sexual practices of another person, and allow them to express parts of their secret selves as long as it is not demeaning or humilitating.

Yes, except it is her husband who should stop doing it, if he loves her and cares about her, as the OP doesn't like it and has told him so.
Easy.

I also give up. I sometimes think that MNers pressure people into LTB because it will be more exciting for the other posters to watch a break up than it is to hear about a reconciliation.

I think we would rather hear he hasn't done it again.

I mean, it's not that hard not to do it. Or at least ask first if she's up to it.

Trying new things and experimenting is fine in a relationship as long as all participants are consenting to the acts. OP has said more than once that she does not consent to anal penetration, he continues to ignore that and carry on regardless. OPs attitude does not need to change she is doing nothing wrong.

Penetration without consent is illegal.

I'm surprised I haven't seen "if you don't cater to his fantasy then don't be surprised if he looks elsewhere"

She has told him she doesn't like it and not to do it but first of all (from what I can tell) he is not forcing her, and second, in a consensual situation such as this it only becomes 'assault by penetration' AFTER she has told him to stop (during the act) and IF he has not stopped on being asked to.

The one time might be excusable, as he might have not realised it was an issue for the OP, although he should have asked if it was ok, but at other times he should definitely have asked first and certainly not after repeated nos.

xiaozhu
Can you please explain why it isn't a sexual assault please?
Dh is CID and I'm a cp social worker and it most definitely is.

I haven't read the whole thread so this might have been suggested but could he be indicating what he'd like you to do to him? Lots of men like a finger up the bum but would never
Say so or ask for it (prob for fear you'd think them 'gay').

If you don't mind trying it, perhaps do it to him and see what his reaction is. Apart from anything else if he doesn't like it it's a taste of his own medicine!!

It is sexual assault.

OP did not consent.

He does force her.

I ask him not to and after a few minutes he does it anyway

It could not be clearer.

As to blow jobs and pleasing him, this is not about sex.

This is about control, aggression, disrespect and ignoring boundaries.

This happened to me after I'd said no to a boyfriend. He then had another try at it.

I didn't LTB for this reason and we eventually parted very good friends.

BUT... I got off the bed, backhanded him around the head while shouting at him and then stalked out of the room. He never crossed my boundaries again so it wasn't a problem.

OP you need to set a line in the sand that must not be crossed. I don't necessarily advocate violence, but in my case I felt assaulted and went into 'fight' part of fight or flight. It is assault and you need to be clear about that when you talk to him about how he can't do that again. Not an easy chat but very necessary.

With generic rape apologists who are female, one obviously presumes they are ignorant, stupid, unable or unwilling to think for themselves beyond the blaringly obviously sexist claptrap they've been fed since young about sex,rape, consent and so on, but some of the rape apologists on this thread are actually making me worried about them. The mental gymnastics it must take to try to come up with reasons why this is not assault/abuse/disgusting behaviour, and to somehow try to turn it into an opportunity for the OP to do even more sexual things she doesn't want to do to appease her rapist are truly chilling. It also makes me presume that they must have suffered, or be suffering, some really awful relationships and sexual experiences, and they have found a way to cope with it all by totally denying reality through shaling it in their mind for it all to be okay, or their fault, or even something exciting and liberating like exploring a partner'sdark side, etc., etc.

Of course, whatever reason the rape apologists have for deluding themselves, and making abused women feel they are to blame, or that they are bad partners for feeling the way they do about their assault, or that they are not being abused, and potentially endangering women and their children through their own messed-up agenda, the fact remains that digital penatration of the anus without permission IS sexual assault, both legally and actually, it remains sexual assault even if the OP chooses to cope by denying that to herself (and I empathise, I really do), that consent to vaginal intercourse does not automatically mean consent to any other sexual act a partner decides to do to you, does not mean that if someone wants to do something sexually that you don't like that you are under any obligation to try it even once, and that to keep nagging about it is abusive and creepy, and it also remains true that it is utter horseshit that men sometimes do abusive or rapey things to their partners because they get carried away.

Shaling = shaping.

Ledkr I feel you may be waiting a long time for an answer, or at least one that is rational.