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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh keeps doing something I don't like in bed

560 replies

Moochicken · 02/09/2013 22:10

Without wanting to go into too much detail, dh keeps doing something during sex which I don't like. I ask him not to and after a few minutes he does it anyway.

It doesn't happen every time but he did it again last night. He apologized after and said he won't do it again (he says this everytime) and now he can't understand why I'm still pissed off.

How seriously would you take this? If I said no and stopped sex he would listen and would never force me to do something but I still feel uncomfortable that he basically ignores my wishes.

OP posts:
Pozzled · 03/09/2013 20:49

Moochicken I am sorry that you have found this thread upsetting to read. It obviously didn't go the way you expected it to, and it must be very difficult to read certain terms and certain posts about someone you have chosen to spend your life with.

I hope you have at least read the definitions of sexual assault that were posted. You may not be ready to accept those terms yet but if you feel able, re-read them later on. Ask yourself how often you had told your H that you didn't want to do that particular act. And ask yourself how he could keep doing something so intimate to you when he knew you actively disliked it.

When you are ready, please do come back to the relationships board- use a different name if you will find that easier, but keep talking. Maybe think about other areas of your relationship- does he always respect your wishes/opinions in every other area? People here have been in similar positions.

runningonwillpower · 03/09/2013 20:49

Oh no, I wouldn't put up with it. I'd tell him straight.

But I wouldn't go labelling him some sort of rapist misogynist. Folks here don't half go overboard.

He's just shite in bed. She needs to tell him. I know, she has and he doesn't listen. She needs to tell him so that he knows she means it.

I stand by my original diagnosis. Bet he wants her to do it to him.

Binkyridesagain · 03/09/2013 20:52

If he wants it done to him then he should ask or use his own fucking finger. He should never force his wife to do something that she does not want and has REPEATEDLY told him not to do. IT IS ASSAULT!!

FFS!

curlew · 03/09/2013 20:52

"He's just shite in bed. She needs to tell him. I know, she has and he doesn't listen. She needs to tell him so that he knows she means it."

And "don't do that please, I don't like it" is somehow not sufficient?

Fairenuff · 03/09/2013 20:55

I know, she has and he doesn't listen. She needs to tell him so that he knows she means it

Ahhhh, so it's her fault.

runningonwillpower · 03/09/2013 20:58

OK. I'm out.

I only logged in to register my belief that there has been a huge over-reaction to this. A belief I think is shared by the OP.

And to put this in perspective, I am a feminist and I am not an apologist for domestic abuse.

I just think that it's sometimes too easy to tell other people how they should think when it's not your life.

CailinDana · 03/09/2013 20:59

Of course it is fairenuff. She's a woman.

Fairenuff · 03/09/2013 21:01

But she asked running, she just wasn't ready to hear.

No-one is saying she has to leave him. No-one is telling her what to do. She asked How serious is this? And now she has her answer.

Pozzled · 03/09/2013 21:02

Runningon How many times do you think she needs to tell him? Would 4 be enough? Or 10? Or is it a case of needing to shout louder, or follow through with a physical action like a slap? How much would it take for you to consider it as a 'legitimate' sexual assault rather than just 'shite in bed'?

valiumredhead · 03/09/2013 21:03

But what would you say if your Dh didn't listen running and repeatedly ignored you? Should he still be described as crap in bed or disrespectful and abusive?

Binkyridesagain · 03/09/2013 21:05

Obviously when us women say NO we don't really mean it do we? we're just playing hard to get.

Johnny5needsinput · 03/09/2013 21:06

What he's doing is sexual assault. Repeatedly.

And in my very recent experience, men who are disrespectful in bed are just as disrespectful out of it.

I'm not surprised that the OP has other issues in her marriage.

Please don't minimise what this man is doing every time he carries on when he's told no. That does the op no favours. And disrespects her boundaries. Just as much as what he is doing.

I've been there done that and got the t-shirt on right now. And it isn't a nice place to be.

Fairenuff · 03/09/2013 21:10

Obviously when us women say NO we don't really mean it do we?

We're just saying it the wrong way, we have to say it so that he knows we mean it.

Vivacia · 03/09/2013 21:16

I just want to say thank you and bravo to those posters willing to talk about their own experience. I think the straight, graphic descriptions have communicated eloquently how partners desensitise, push limits and ultimately move on to assault and rape.

I also hope the OP continued to read and keeps this helpful information, along with the legal definitions of sexual assault, in mind for when she's ready for it.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/09/2013 21:23

Another thing with all the 'waawaawaa, surely those wicked feminists don't mean we have to have written permission for sex' stuff that's being posted: decent, considerate, ethical sexual partners may not necessarily have a Q&A session before every kiss, touch, button unfastened or change of position but that's because ethical people are capable of interpreting and acting on other people's verbal and non-verbal signals during sex. You know the difference between a moan of pleasure and a cry of pain or protest, and if there's any doubt in your mind then you stop and check in verbally. You know the difference between a person who is moving closer to you in an eager fashion and one who is either cringing away or holding him/herself rigidly as though enduring, rather than enjoying, what's going on. And if you're in any way unsure, you ask.

Men, in particular, who keep insisting that it's soooo difficult to know a woman's mind are generally rapists. It's not difficult. Those men just don't want to know what's on a woman's mind, because they're going to carry on raping women and would like to do so in peace and quiet, thanks.

Johnny5needsinput · 03/09/2013 21:31

I have just split with DP. He was obsessed with anal sex. Obsessed. I don't like it. Tried it once because he pressured me into it and I didn't like it. But he kept on and on and on about it. Tried it every time. Accidentally slipped it in. Stuck his finger in. And I started to Fred sex with him because I didn't like it. He was no is weird about other stuff to. But the sex was just a symbol of his larger disrespect for me. And yes. I did say no I don't like it. Stop. No. Lots. He chose not to listen.

Vivacia · 03/09/2013 21:34

I've read somebody on here advocating the definition of, "consent" to be, "enthusiastic consent" which I think is a very good solution.

Fairenuff · 03/09/2013 21:36

Hey, Johnny I was on your thread and, as I said there, I am seriously impressed with the decisive way you have ended it with him. So sorry that he put you through all this shit though Sad

And yeah, 'accidentally slipped it in'... that is not 'crass, that is not 'bad manners', that is abuse.

You are well shot of him.

TunipTheUnconquerable · 03/09/2013 21:38

Vivacia - yes. It's not about changing the definition of consent (you can't change the definition however much you'd like to) so much as trying to change the attitude to what is required for ethical sex: rather than talk about 'consent' we should talk about 'enthusiastic participation'.
Because 'consent' is very much a minimum standard - it doesn't include any sense of the partner enjoying it, just implies them letting the initiator get on with it. Whereas we all know that sex should be about both people enjoying it, and when you enjoy it you don't just 'consent', you 'participate enthusiastically'.

camaleon · 03/09/2013 21:41

CallinDana, what a brilliant post. I think I am going to copy/paste it and keep it for my kids (boy and girl) to read it when I think it is appropriate. They are 6 & 8 now but it won't take long.
Thanks for that.

Binkyridesagain · 03/09/2013 21:46

As a result of this thread I again have told 2 (14&21) of my DCs about making sure that when they have partners that they make sure that their partner is happy and an enthusiastic participant (I like that term) and that they should never do anything that they are not comfortable or happy in doing.

When repeating this message and ranting about this thread to my DD(21) it appeared from her reaction that women performing acts that they are not happy or comfortable with is common.

LoisPuddingLane · 03/09/2013 21:48

I've not much to add but as (yet another) woman who has experienced rape, I would not beat about the bush to describe it either.

And we don't need to be told when we've been raped/assaulted because

a) we were there and were being raped/assaulted

and

b) by legal definitition we were raped/assaulted

There can be no fluffing round this issue - ingress without consent is simply assault.

itisnotmereallyohnonotatall · 03/09/2013 22:26

OP I'm sorry that you have been put off posting again about your situation. I'm sorry if my posts have contributed to that. When you feel the need to talk, there are many of us here who would respond to a PM so it would be way less pressurised.

I hope you can deal with it, as you say. I 'dealt with it' for nearly two decades. It nearly broke me.

christinarossetti · 03/09/2013 22:27

Absolutely, but OP has said from point of view and experience of the broader context the actions took place in, she wasn't assaulted.

One of the problems on this thread is that she hasn't had the right to express that without being told that she's wrong.

AnyFucker · 03/09/2013 22:31

christina, would he have done her any favours to agree with her when she says she wasn't sexually assaulted ?