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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh keeps doing something I don't like in bed

560 replies

Moochicken · 02/09/2013 22:10

Without wanting to go into too much detail, dh keeps doing something during sex which I don't like. I ask him not to and after a few minutes he does it anyway.

It doesn't happen every time but he did it again last night. He apologized after and said he won't do it again (he says this everytime) and now he can't understand why I'm still pissed off.

How seriously would you take this? If I said no and stopped sex he would listen and would never force me to do something but I still feel uncomfortable that he basically ignores my wishes.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 03/09/2013 17:04

"We all do many things without the positive consent of others" No we don't Contrarian78, really we don't. And the fact you think that people do this just shows how little you respect your partner's boundaries and bodily integrity.

Contrarian78 · 03/09/2013 17:09

Lewiji You're being very very silly. You're taking the parts from my post which seem to support the opinions you hold about me. Even the one you did point out has the words "during sex" in brackets which kind of makes your comparison you draw ridiculous.

For what it's worth, I said, that I accepted that it was rape, but that most people (in my opinion) wouldn't. I still believe that.

curlew · 03/09/2013 17:10

"I don't think that most non-feminists would see a man sticking his fingers in his wife's a-noos (during sex) as rape"

Once, possibly not. Repeatedly, when he had been told she didn't like it? Oh, I think they would.

Original poster
Moochicken · 03/09/2013 17:11

I wasn't going to read this thread anymore, but when I saw 11 pages of replies I though I should.

I am able to deal with this situation. I was just looking for a little advice and support and probably also checking my perspective was right.

I think that if I was worried about acting upon the situation and didn't feel equipped to deal with it, this thread really could have scared me off.

I respect the fact that I posted this in a public forum and people have a right to debate issue, but I think people have lost sight of the fact that this was a request for help in the relationship topic.

MN has been great for help and advice on many things but I won't post about sensitive issues like this again. I will be looking at relationship counselling instead and hope it provides a way to move forward.

I hope that nobody who is in a similar situation and needs real support reads this thread. If I was scared, unsure of myself or worried about what would happen if I dealt with the issue, I might find this thread a bit aggressive and avoid causing trouble.

I don't want to cause offense but please consider that people come here for help sometimes rather than a lecture.

I

OP posts:
Contrarian78 · 03/09/2013 17:12

Scallopsgreat I was speaking more generally. But don't let that stop you from taking part of my post in isolation.......

That said, In real life (and be honest here) if you were going to give your partner a BJ, would you ask him first?

BitBewildered · 03/09/2013 17:13

AFAIK, from the FWR boards, rape in English law is defined as penetration with a penis. So a finger would be sexual assault as defined way up thread.

Contrarian, this is not a sales pitch and we are not trying to win someone over to a cause. We are trying to help the OP recognise what is being done to her, and give her the confidence to set her own boundaries. Perhaps she is now upset, many people would be, but perhaps she is also thinking about why her H insists that he has the right to repeatedly violate her bodily integrity.

YoniTime · 03/09/2013 17:19

Moochicken Sad
Sorry if I was one of those who wrote "too agressive" messages btw, it's because many of us has experienced abuse and also have the outsider perspective that people here has react strongly. (I also didn't see how many pages the thread had before posting.)

SirTrollington · 03/09/2013 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

curlew · 03/09/2013 17:40

"That said, In real life (and be honest here) if you were going to give your partner a BJ, would you ask him first?"

If the first time he had said he didn't like it, then yes of course I would. Because I am a sensitive thoughtful human being in a loving, respectful and equal relationship

You?

EasyMark · 03/09/2013 17:41

If I was you I would stop every time he did it and get up dressed and go to the bathroom or downstairs and state that if he does that its the end of sex. Do it everytime and he will get the message, if he wants to come then its on your terms.

MrsWolowitz · 03/09/2013 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 03/09/2013 17:48

She actually understands my personality and appreciates that it's afforded us a decent lifestyle

Hilarious.

MrsWolowitz · 03/09/2013 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lazyjaney · 03/09/2013 18:08

I am able to deal with this situation. I was just looking for a little advice and support and probably also checking my perspective was right

OP your perspective is completely rational.

Howling that the OP she has been abused et al despite the OPs protestations she has not is par for the course for some people on MN, you're by far not the first it's happened to on here.

I'd ignore the thread and do what you plan to do.

YoniTime · 03/09/2013 18:10

Everyone who has pointed out that what he is doing is sexual assault is correct though.

AnyFucker · 03/09/2013 18:13

I used to say that what happened to me when I was 17 wasn't rape. It didn't the fact that it was.

AnyFucker · 03/09/2013 18:13

change the fact

Fairenuff · 03/09/2013 18:18

Yes she needs to be told that the behaviour is wrong and abusive (something she already knows)

No she doesn't!! That's the whole point of the thread. OP asks, 6How seriously would you take this?6

The answer: Extremely seriously. This is sexual assault. It is a criminal offence.

There is no need to sugar coat it. Yes, she may have withdrawn from the blunt and honest answers, but she can't wipe them from her mind.

It takes time for it to sink in. It takes time to accept what has happened to you. She will need some time to think things through.

But she knows that when she comes back, people are who believe her. Who understand how awful it is. Who can advise and support her.

It's no good telling, ach don't worry, he's just trying it on, etc. That doesn't help her at all. In fact, it will help the situation continue and perhaps escalate.

what would you think if a man stuck up a finger up your anus in a shower at a gym, say, without asking first?

...and did it repeatedly even though you told him to stop?

BelaLugosisShed · 03/09/2013 18:29

Aah back to the good old days, not one, but two misogynist men on a sensitive thread telling the ladies what's what, what would we do without them explaining things to us fickle female creatures. Hmm

MrsWolowitz · 03/09/2013 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 03/09/2013 18:40

howling you say, janey ?

that's a twisted sense of humour you have there

perfectstorm · 03/09/2013 18:41

That said, In real life (and be honest here) if you were going to give your partner a BJ, would you ask him first?

If my husband had told me he didn't like them, and didn't want me to ever give him one, I wouldn't ever dream of it. I love him, you see.

MrsWolowitz · 03/09/2013 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

christinarossetti · 03/09/2013 18:45

I saw this thread this morning and knew exactly how it would have gone by this evening, and there we are, except op sounds quite cool, calm and collected rather than distraught at a load of Mners piling in to tell her that she is wrong about her own subjectivity.

I hope that's right op, and that you're okay.

AllThatGlistens · 03/09/2013 18:56

Christ there's been some utter cunts posting on here lately.

Apologists, ignorance, people so determined to spout their own bullshit they've completely lost sight of the OP and her need for advice.

What he did is wrong, OP. I hope you get some individual counselling and can move forward by doing what's right for you. Consider your own feelings first and foremost.