Dh keeps doing something I don't like in bed

[Moochicken]

Without wanting to go into too much detail, dh keeps doing something during sex which I don't like. I ask him not to and after a few minutes he does it anyway.

It doesn't happen every time but he did it again last night. He apologized after and said he won't do it again (he says this everytime) and now he can't understand why I'm still pissed off.

How seriously would you take this? If I said no and stopped sex he would listen and would never force me to do something but I still feel uncomfortable that he basically ignores my wishes.

PS I'm pretty sure that most non-Feminists, even anti-feminists would call rape rape when they see it.

No, and that's my point. The argument isn't incorrect. There just needs to be an understanding that these are real people with real feelings (with more backstory than could ever be conveyed online) and that the "a spade's a spade" "call it as I see it" school of thought, isn't always the best.

There's the opinion that any of us who deviate from the 'official line' are somehow apologists. That's not the case. It just isn't.

The "official line" that sexual acts without consent are wrong?

some of these replies are

no means no... its very simple!

op has said from the start that she doesnt want her "d"h to stick his finger up where its not wanted... yet he still does/tries! it is sexual assault

Actually, (and I'm not disagreeing with you) I don't think that most non-feminists would see a man sticking his fingers in his wife's a-noos (during sex) as rape. I'm not saying it isn't, but it would almost certainly think that this would fall outseide of most people's definition. If they're unwilling to engage further because they're that at odds (and I'm talking about people who should be naturally allied to it), then you've done the cause a dis-service.

His finger could get awfully dirty and smelly up there. Surely he couldn't touch anything when he pulled it out? He'd need to get to a sink first. The things some people want to do to each other are pretty disgusting. I feel sick.

So what should we call it?

You do know there are hundreds of women out there that question whether their non consensual sexual encounter was rape because people refuse to define it as such, they listen to the rape myths and believe them, they blame themselves for what has happened.

This just encourages victim blaming and rape apologists.

Actually, I've worded that clumsily MoG I meant the way in which the 'official line' is delivered.

Trust me, as someone who (in real life) usually gets their own way (and I've stopped doing this with my wife before you all start) there is more than one way to skin a cat. Measure outcomes, not methods.

Oh no thanks! I completely understand. Total ban until he respects your wishes.

Binky I can sort of sympathise. It's not easy; however, however painful it might be, attitudes and perceptions need to be changed by degrees. Quite literally, one person at a time. All I SUGGEST is that the rhetoric is approriate to the person listening to it. Toning it down doesn't make you an apologist, it's not disloyal to the cause. Change will be a long-time coming, but it will come - as long as poeple become/remain engaged.

"I worked for a company (investment Bank) which would not use the term Christmas and would not allow Decorations etc. in the name of equality. It had a very negative effect."

No you didn't.

You weren't ever forbidden to use the term blac coffee, your children were not banned from singing baa baa black sheep, and you weren't obliged to talk about her sooty, rather than history..

And somebody repeatedly putting their finger in another person's anus, even after that person has said thy don't want them to do it, is sexually assaulting them. If they think the person is " fickle" and might have changed their minds, they ask. Which might be annoying, but is not sexual assault.

What worried me though is how op's dh has been very keen on anal sex, and this seems to be the prelude to getting around to do that aswell.
If he doesn't want to respect her no to putting his finger there, why will he respect her no to putting his penis there?
Will he trot out the old "we should be able to do it if you love me"? "It's perfectly normal, lots of people do it", "it wont hurt if you just relax"..etc. All the while ignoring that she does not want to do it in the first place?
I'm asking because that seems to a the common scenario, and the man (in these cases) does not see himself as a coercer or rapist AT ALL. The wife might not see it that way either, but in my experience I felt so awful with it. I had no idea that our scenario would be called rape until a counsellor told me after I had a nervous breakdown.
This was over a period of many years, during which my no's had been consistently disregarded, starting with pretty innocuous things.

Thank you for mansplaining the need for Feminism, Contrarian. I totally see the light now a man has helped me understand. Wow, until you said the above, I had never realised any of that for myself, and I'm sure that goes for all the other women on here

And it's pussyfooting and toning down that has led to ambiguity and minimising and people thinking there are grey areas, when it comes to rape, etc. Who are actually trying to protect with toning it down? The fucking perpetrators, that's who.

I'm not prepared to sweet talk around the issue, denying it, victim blaming, using alternate words has minimised it, toned it down. Women have been failed year on year. We have tried changing it a degree at a time, its failed. Maybe now instead of the pussyfooting around we start telling it for what it is.

curlew I did. I won't say which, but they used the term holiday. Believe it or not, I encountered more Christians at the bank than I had anhwere else before or since. It did create ill-feeling. I think (personally) that it was more of an Americanism than anything else. You're right about the other things though.

You're right, it is sexually assulting them. Ive always thought that that term (whilst also being correct) was more constructive than using the term rape. That's not to say it wasn't rape. The term you use is just (slightly) less emotive.

turbo:.... I'm asking because that seems to a the common scenario, and the man (in these cases) does not see himself as a coercer or rapist AT ALL. The wife might not see it that way either, but in my experience I felt so awful with it. I had no idea that our scenario would be called rape until a counsellor told me after I had a nervous breakdown.

I can understand that. I hope and imagine that your counsellor handled the matter sensitively.

Well, I won't tell you what to do.

I'm not victim blaming or minimising. I suggest idetifying the target audience, and ajusting your pitch accordingly.

The one thing I wll say though is that progress is being made, on all sorts of 'isms. It's never as quickly as we'd like, but to say that chanigng a degree at a time has failed, is to do a great dis-service to those that have thought before us, having put more at risk frankly than we could ever imagine.

Dude do you think OP finds it helpful to hear about your unrelated ideas about Christians and feminism? She already said she was overwhelmed by the responses. Be considerate.

quit the isms! this isn't about feminism!

Well ,the issue here is that the police sees it as rape aswell. And it IS an emotive word, very hard to deal with so I can understand if the OP has stopped following the thread. It is nevertheless accurate. If a no is disregarded, several times for the same thing, then rape is what it is if we are talking about actual penetration.
Now LTB may not be necessary but the perpetrator must accept and understand that the act is unacceptable and must stop it. It is only if you make a statement to the police that the law comes into it, so that choice is up to the person. But the law is very clear, and rape is what it is.

Actually, For what it's worth, I think this (potentially) goes to the very heart of what feminism is about. In particular it's relevant to how she' has been approached.

I accept your point though.

the rhetoric here is so strong that she is no longer particpating in the thread.

Are you the OP?
How do you know why she's no longer participating?

And your reply to me was puzzling. It seems that you haven't understood my post. Please let me know if I need to mansplain it to you. Again.

Contrarian
I think you need to re read your post and have a think about how your coming across here.
as someone who (in real life) usually gets their own way (and I've stopped doing this with my wife before you all start)

-you sound lovely!

I do wonder if he stopped 'getting his own way' with his wife, or if she's just given in.

I don't think that most non-feminists would see a man sticking his fingers in his wife's a-noos (during sex) as rape

So, you were really unlucky to drop in a thread virtually only with feminists.

Pray tell, what would you think if a man stuck up a finger up your anus in a shower at a gym, say, without asking first?
Surely it's fine as you hadn't specifically told him it was off bounds.

Lewiji Becasue she said so.

Afwab I know. I've said I don't do this with my wife. She actually understands my personality and appreciates that it's afforded us a decent lifestyle. I recognise I do it, and ajust my behaviour to my audience (something I'm advocating here).

Binky she has by no means given in. If you knew her, you know she wouldn't.