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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have confronted him. Feel sick. Help.

413 replies

Fireplaces · 25/08/2013 20:54

Tonight I confronted my husband about the fact that he is having an affair. I have known for a couple of weeks but I was so scared of confronting him and of what would happen then. I was hoping he would finish his affair because he knew I was suspicious. But he was out late twice this week with no explanation, he has been shitty to live with and today had a go at me over something tiny.

Then he lied this evening about where he was going and he went out. I questioned him about where he was going and he lied some more. I am sure he was going to meet the OW. About half an hour after he went out I decided that I was sick of the lies and deceit. I literally couldn't take it anymore. I called him and told him I knew. And I shouted. And I told him to stop lying.

He denied it all on the phone and said he was coming straight home, but I packed his bags and left them outside the front door. He has gone, with them.

I am so scared of the future. Of tomorrow. Of the next day. How the hell am I going to get through this? I am shaking. Please help me.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 28/08/2013 21:25

*meant

Original poster
Fireplaces · 28/08/2013 21:31

Impulse "Do you feel guilty about posting about him too? And bad that people think he's a total shit? Like you are betraying him? I felt like that every time I told someone we had split. That is because you are a loyal person, who believed in your marriage vows. "

Yes, that is spot on, all of that.

He wasn't so loyal while boffing the 23 year old though was he?

I might have to print that out and stick it on the fridge. So true.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 28/08/2013 21:41

Sorry I know you've ran out of anger and things have moved on but Shock at him asking you to wash his underwear. The ducking nerve of him.

Inertia · 28/08/2013 21:44

Delurking to say how amazingly strong you are fireplaces. And that you should be getting angry at your husband's emails , because they are astonishingly self- centred and dismissive of your feelings. This man has ripped your marriage and family apart, and he wants to frame it as your fault into the eyes of the children and put you back on laundry duty.

To echo previous posters, the only reasonable answers to his questions are 1. He can do them at his mistress's house or go to the laundrette and 2. The children are told an age appropriate version of the truth.

Flibbertyjibbet · 28/08/2013 21:52

Wobbly, my brothers experience of relate was just like yours, they'd got small children and his wife had an affair with an old flame she went looking for on Facebook. When bro found out she begged forgiveness and they went to relate. Once a week for 9 months. It's was ALL bros fault. One of the big things was she kept on about how SHE was finding it difficult to rebuild the relationship because he was having trouble trusting her! So he was given advice to work on that. Lots of other issues too about housework (she didn't work but the counsellor told him he had to do half the housework after a long shift) and many other things, ALL of which were 'counselled in the wifes favour and basically turning my lovely outgoing confident brother into a far greater wreck than her affair had left him. All the emphasis was on what was wrong with the marriage to 'make' her look elsewhere.

And you know what, after 9 months of him thinking he was going mad, it turned out that she had never stopped seeing other men. She went for the counselling because she wanted to keep him in his place (funding her lifestyle) whilst still doing what she wanted.

So myself I would agree with you that they only look at what the guilty party perceived to be wrong with the marriage. Not at any form of entitled, narcissistic, arrogant personality that would carry on manipulating the counsellor and their spouse.

onefewernow · 28/08/2013 23:11

Fliberty, that has not been my experience as the betrayed wife at all. He has had a really tough time with them.

One point made by another poster- if you are so anxious for the pain and stress to end that you let him back in quickly and help him smooth it over too quickly you would make a regrettable mistake.

I did this, and it " worked " for a while, but I ended angry and feeling I never had the full truth and that he had not changed that much, after the "honeymoon " period. We ended up back at Relate, and still go. This is 22 months on, and I think the whole issue has been drawn out by me not being tough enough to start with.

Triedbutfailed · 28/08/2013 23:28

Wellwobbly - I had exactly the same experience with relate, it was awful. After H had cheated I was told I mustn't make him feel guilty and that I had to take as much of the blame, despite the fact that I had just had a baby and was seriously sleep deprived.

One of them said I hadn't been paying H enough attention (sexually) despite H telling him we had been having sex regularly right up until the day before the birth! H told them it was just his selfish lifestyle that drove him to cheat, despite the fact we had everything he wanted in a relationship - even he was shocked at the councellors attitudes...we tried 3 different ones and each time we left H apologised for what THEY put me through as well as everything he had done, as he could see that the marriage guidance councellors were breaking me further with every session.

They destroyed my confidence almost as much as my husband did. I needed months of one on one counselling with a private psychotherapist to get over everything, and H had much better counselling on his own privately too, and sorted a lot of the personal problems he had that led him to cheat.

Triedbutfailed · 28/08/2013 23:55

Fireplaces - I have just read the thread backwards (hence starting with the response to Wellwobbly), and I am astounded by how strong you are. I wish I were half the person you are.

Bogeyface · 29/08/2013 00:32

But I reckon the OP has at most another week of him continuing to play it this way.

Yes yes yes. He will soon realise that you are not just going to be so grateful that he wants to stay with you (google Chumplady "pick me") that he will get angry. He will yell, shout, blame you, blame her, blame his job his parents, your child..........

Thats when you will see the real him. Be prepared.

Bogeyface · 29/08/2013 00:34

Sorry isnt a verb. Sorry.

Wellwobbly · 29/08/2013 07:01

"Fireplaces - I have just read the thread backwards (hence starting with the response to Wellwobbly), and I am astounded by how strong you are. I wish I were half the person you are."

HEAR, HEAR. You are truly amazing and paradoxically have the best chance of turning a man's outlook into humble respect.

"I think the whole issue has been drawn out by me not being tough enough to start with."

This has been my experience as well. We are now going through a divorce neither of us wants, because of it. Sad

lordleofric · 29/08/2013 08:24

You really don't want your DC to be told that you sent him away because he did something wrong. That could play on their minds, i.e. if I'm naughty, will mummy send ME away?

Inertia · 29/08/2013 08:46

Lordleo makes a very good point - it could be worth reinforcing to the children that the thing Daddy did wrong was something only adults do, or people who are married. Something I' ve seen on another thread is that the children were told that Daddy had a girlfriend who he went to stay with and that isn't allowed when you are married - tells the children what happened without any of this crap about mummy sending him away

balia · 29/08/2013 08:58

Morning Fireplaces - hope you slept better.

mistlethrush · 29/08/2013 09:22

Re relate, be prepared to get up and walk out the moment any of this seems to be made out to be your fault. It isn't. If things weren't 100% right in your marriage, and you had discussed it like married adults, you perhaps might have been able to work together to make things better. But instead he chose to throw his vows out of the window and have an affair behind your back. That is ENTIRELY HIS DOING and is not your fault.

In terms of the house, you are the children's main carer - they need a secure home to stay in, don't worry that his name is on the deeds.

mummytime · 29/08/2013 10:07

Mistlethrush - the advice about relate could be true of any new counsellor. Counsellors of all types are variable, some may or may not gel or be what you need. Others I have seen "outside" work and have wondered how they do their job. Others might have views you disagree with, but you can work with (but maybe not for such a personal issue). A few very good ones, might see a personality clash or similar and gently tell you that they think you'd be better with a colleague/someone else.
And so on.

CeliaFate · 29/08/2013 10:17

Fireplaces you may want to consider contacting an estate agent to get a valuation on your house. You can then send him an email with this detail, including what your solicitor has said about splitting assets.
This will have a 2 fold effect I think. One, it shows you're in control and two it tells him that this is permanent and he's not going to come back home in a couple of weeks.
As for his request for you to wash his dirty pants, that is a metaphor for the reasons for ending your marriage to this berk.

LittlePeaPod · 29/08/2013 10:22

Fireplaces. Good morning and I hope you got a better nights sleep. Just read about the laundry and what to tell the kids update. Beyond words but you did the right thing with regards your response. I think it's a great idea you are going to Relate. I understand the Relate debate because of different people's experiences but at the moment you have to do what's right for you. I am sure you will look at alternatives if Relate is not right for you. Sending you hugs and hand holding. Flowers

ofmiceandmen · 29/08/2013 10:47

Good morning Fireplaces I once sent this to my DM.

Just had to share Maya Angelou

hope it helps

Original poster
Fireplaces · 29/08/2013 15:12

Hello,
An update. I actually got 8 hours sleep, thanks to Nytol, and feel a whole lot better as a result.

I am much more positive today. So far I have:

  1. Got someone to come and fix a bolt to the inside of the back door. There have been some horrid burglaries around here of late and is keeping me awake at night knowing that's the weak point of the house security, and I am now here without my DH.

  2. Been to the gym and got some exercise. Listened to a motivating song and felt likepunching my DH.

  3. Told a RL friend who was very nice. And laughed (and was angry) at his laundry request and said he had some real front.

  4. My sister in law called to make arrangements to meet up this weekend. (My DH and her DH are brothers). Well I started to lie, and then thought 'sod it, I am sick of all these lies and I cannot do it' so I told her the truth about why we can't all come over this weekend.

We had a long conversation. She is furious with my DH, really spitting mad. She was upset too. She said all the right things and said her DH will be boxing the ears of my DH, and she would wring his neck! While I know that this might change (blood thicker than water etc) in the future, it was good to hear that they (at the moment!) are entirely in agreement with me that he has been a complete shit and is now reaping the consequences.

She was furious at the laundry request, and the "Mummy has sent me away" comment too.

  1. Told my two DC that "Daddy has done something very naughty and unkind to Mummy and she is very very sad. Daddy and Mummy have had a big argument. So Daddy is not going to live here at the moment."

They asked "was it the argument in the car?" and "when will he come back?" ("I don't know"I said)....and that was it. They moved on. I asked them if they had any questions but they said no and seem fine with it at the moment.

I have my anger back again today. I can now see why you were all so het up about the laundry request and the "Mummy has Sent him away" comment. Grin

OP posts:
EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 29/08/2013 15:22

Well done, you should be proud of yourself.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/08/2013 16:04

Well you have had a productive day.
Well done on all points.
Stay angry and stay strong.
I'm sure you are inspiring many on here right now!

ChasedByBees · 29/08/2013 16:09

Great! Sounds like a very good day. Thanks

CeliaFate · 29/08/2013 16:11

You are doing brilliantly. Wine

onefewernow · 29/08/2013 16:15

Well done, on all fronts.

It will take him a while to realise that you will not be a pushover on this. They usually imagine that it will blow over if they act sorry. They can turn quite unpleasant if they are proven wrong.

I imagine he will have the nerve to criticise you for telling your SIL. But you are entirely at liberty to tell who you want; they just hate it as it shows them in such a poor light, and they prefer to keep it quiet.

Actually the books I read on infidelity said exposing it is helpful. There have been enough lies told, you don't have to join in.

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