Have confronted him. Feel sick. Help.

[Fireplaces]

Tonight I confronted my husband about the fact that he is having an affair. I have known for a couple of weeks but I was so scared of confronting him and of what would happen then. I was hoping he would finish his affair because he knew I was suspicious. But he was out late twice this week with no explanation, he has been shitty to live with and today had a go at me over something tiny.

Then he lied this evening about where he was going and he went out. I questioned him about where he was going and he lied some more. I am sure he was going to meet the OW. About half an hour after he went out I decided that I was sick of the lies and deceit. I literally couldn't take it anymore. I called him and told him I knew. And I shouted. And I told him to stop lying.

He denied it all on the phone and said he was coming straight home, but I packed his bags and left them outside the front door. He has gone, with them.

I am so scared of the future. Of tomorrow. Of the next day. How the hell am I going to get through this? I am shaking. Please help me.

Glad to see you have some RL support later Fireplaces.

I am sorry to say this but there is no way around this you have to go through it for now

You are being amazing fireplaces. I hope that you can get through the weekend ok. You rl friends will be there for you.

You might want to do something more active by Sunday. If you're still missing the kids you could plan something for them - tidy their bedroom, bake a cake, that kind of thing.

Just want to point out that he has shit all over his agreement to leave you alone for one week (let alone the few weeks you asked for) with his constant fucking emails about underwear and cinema trips.

Dearest Fire, those feelings you describe are anxiety, and it's not surprising. You have been running on adrenaline, doing everything you need to do, and the absence of your children while they are with him highlights all that has happened and what that selfish dickhead has caused. It is traumatic.

Have you ever tried 7/11 breathing? Tis quite a good one for those fearful, anxious, escalating feelings...if that is too difficult and you are too agitated, then is there some music you could put on REALLY LOUDLY and sing along to? Thinking Handel's Messiah, or Bat out of Hell, or I'm gonna Wash that Man Right out of my Hair.,,til you're exhausted, and then try the 7/11 breathing?

Failing these, having a friend over and ranting could help. Just get through this evening for now wishing you all the best

I know how you feel, I had proper panic attacks at this time, heart racing, feelings of sheer terror, and pretty much paralysed my thinking. It does pass though. You are still in shock. You need to be very kind to yourself. So glad you have a friend coming, that is the best possible distraction.

Suggestions for your weekend:

Definitely get your nails done, and a haircut, make yourself feel pretty buy some new make up too - this sounds a bit woman magazine, but it helps, it really does.

Plan what you are eating for the entire weekend, only buy things you like (my ex hated fish, and I love it so on contact weekends I filled the fridge with smoked salmon, made an indulgent fish pie, went out for sushi etc). find something complicated to cook that will absorb you. Have a fabulous breakfast and buy lovely tea or cofee. Feel indulged.

Radio 4 and 4 extra, for listening to stuff that means you don't have to think while you are pottering around.

Box sets (netflix is best) depending on what you like, but (again) getting absorbed in a series that you can watch for a few hours at a time (I recommend The Walking Dead, Breaking Bad, the original The Killing (Forebrydelsen or something) or something lighter like The Midwives or even documentaries like Blue Planet)

Going to the cinema on your own is actually lovely if you feel you need to get out of the house. The first time I did it I felt a total loser, but once you're in no one notices or cares you are by yourself - this is a top Sunday afternoon tip, as Sunday afternoons are the worst times, I find)

Embrace social media, Facebook and twitter can be very good friends if you are feeling panicky or lonely, just say you are and people rally round and tell you you are awesome and share their experiences, it's distracting if nothing else.

Make your bedroom clean and tidy and sanctuary-like. Clean everything, change the sheets and get rid of any man nonsense, pop some flowers on the bedside table if you can.

None of these may feel right to you, and I can see they all look superficial, but you get the general (sorry, probably very waffly) idea. Don't feel guilty about spending time on you or just wasting time until you get your children back. It really is what other people do and it's ok.

Also post here for whatever you need to as well There are quite a few of us willing you on.

As another 'be prepared' thingy, be prepared for your lovely children to be tired and cranky and a bit horrible when they get back, it doesn't mean anything other than they are confused and need you to be as stable as you can be. And you will because you sound like a fab mum.

Christ! I forgot wine. Get wine, as much as you bloody like. Wine is your friend

It really is shit.

This is what people meant earlier when they said to roll with the emotions as they come. Just keep in mind that these times don't last and another wave of emotion will come over you.

RL friends will help you and, AF is right, they want to help.

hope you feel better after telling your rl friend.

Wow - Fireplaces I would just like to echo what all the other posters have said, in that you are being incredibly brave and very strong!!

I can see you are a good woman, your thoughts for the children and their access to their father shows this. You ARE a good woman and a very good Mother. He on the other hand is an ass!!!

Having been through this I know the total devastation you are going through. Its awful because you kind of just want to un-know it all, you just want things to go back to how they used to be...but you know you can't because you know that things will never quite look or feel the same again. It scars you, but you will heal and it does make you stronger than you ever thought you could be. The though of it seems so far away now I know but, you will be happy again!

You are a superwoman!! I salute you!

OP I unfortunately understand your pain.
Amazing advice on here.
I can't add anymore just hope you are ok:

Ok, update:- last night my RL friend was here and I bent her ear for a few hours. She brought wine and chocolate with her .

I actually managed to have nine hours sleep which was just brilliant and I have felt a whole lot more energetic and positive today as a result.

I read through your posts to get some ideas of things I could do today. The theme was being nice to myself. So, I have been to the gym and had a really good workout. I then went to the shops and bought some new make up and a new top, which I am really pleased with. Had a bit of a "it's all too loud " trauma moment again, but having tried on clothes in the shop, I realised that I had dropped a size so I came home and had a mass clothes-trying-on session. In the peace and quiet of my own house. I had loads of clothes stashed away that I have bought over the years "for when I am slimmer.".... as a result I now have about 25 things in my wardrobe that I can wear that I couldn't get into a month ago. For no money. Happy happy days.

I've managed to eat today, I'm about to EBay some of those too-big clothes, and I am taking your advice, and looking to watch a series on I-player that I never saw the first time.

So thank you for all your ideas. I shall be hopefully getting some sleep tonight and feeling up to doing some more of them tomorrow.

Wow. Sounds like your day has been productive and that you've done lots of positive stuff. Impressed. You will get though this successfully I know.

the Heartbreak Diet has it's uses

Delurking to say that you have done really well on your first weekend without children (and throughout!). It is a horrible void at first being without the children and I hated it, particularly as my exH had never spent much time with them before (another terribly important City type who turned out to have had a string of affairs) but decided post split to reinvent himself as wonder dad.

What really helped me was to sit down with a calendar and plan all my no children weekends like a military campaign so that I had something organised for every weekend - gym classes/party/theatre/weekend away/ meet up group etc. Somehow it all seems much more bearable. The plus point is that it also enhances your social life overall. I shared the calendar with my closest friends and they made sure that group visits to the theatre/cinema etc fell on those weekends as much as possible. As other posters have said, people like to help if you can make it clear what you want.

I am now starting to get to the point where my life with just me and the children and my social life are both looking a lot better than they ever did before. You will reach that point too if you decide to make the separation permanent. I promise.

Very best wishes.

So glad you are managing so well! Keep busy x

Just wanted to add to the chorus of approval and say that I think you are awesome, Fireplaces. I'll bet that husband of yours doesn't know what's hit him. You rock!

I remember reading on some message boards a few years ago (not here) specifically about infidelity and one poster was a DW who had had an affair with another man. She was posting on the boards in order to give insight about the cheater's mentality and thought processes.

When her DH found out about her affair he was very tough and took swift action, asking her to move out immediately (I don't think they had DCs).

She said that once she ended up living in a horrible, dingey flat, her DH having cut off communication with her, the affair suddenly and dramatically lost its allure and she ended it very quickly.

She was on her own for a few months, I think, before her DH would entertain any thought of reconciliation. Even when they started to communicate again he still made it hard for her. She said that she had to "work really, really hard to win him back" over a prolonged period.

Slowly they re-established their relationship and, eventually, she moved back into the marital home. His swift and ruthless response had provoked not only a profound sense of loss on her part but also sheer terror - she'd truly believed that she had lost him for ever.

I remember distinctly her writing that the affair had been "a huge mistake that would NEVER be repeated", and she credited her DH's tough response for that. She was on the message boards to try to help and inspire other betrayed spouses and I've never forgotten what she wrote.

So what the other ladies have said about cheaters being motivated by loss is true.

Naturally, you are bound to have regrets, to doubt your decision and to wonder if you're being too harsh. You will feel lonely, and desolate and very bleak. But please do try to take this woman's story as inspiration, and know that your refusal to cave in too quickly is for a much greater good, whether that is the ultimate demise of your marriage or the creation of a new, stronger relationship with your DH.

Nothing worth having in life comes easily - it has to be worked for. So make sure your DH has to work like hell to get you back, Fireplaces. Not just men but all of us place a greater value on that which we have to work hard for.

You will already be a woman of towering strength in his eyes because of your assertive reaction and the OW, trust me, will have become much, much less alluring now he realises what he stands to lose.

Create mystery, distance and use the power of silence to your advantage - it will totally destroy him. And only when he feels that pain can he truly understand the magnitude of what he has done and begin to take responsibility and to realise what it is that is really important to him in life.

Wishing you continued strength Fireplaces. Don't forget: you rock!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS... Forgot to say.... that's if you decide you want to make a go of it, but you may decide otherwise! x x

3mum thanks for the advice about planning the diary. I am going to do it.

stargirl thank you for an interesting post. It is useful to get the point of view of that woman.

I just took my wedding ring off. First time in about three years that it has left my finger. I have a dent and a sun tan mark. Feels very wired but let's see where it takes me.

Meant to say 'feels very weird' . Blinkin' auto 'correct'.

Stargirl makes a good point. My DH was definitely a bit scared by the fact I filed for divorce so quickly, and got on with my life. I think it freaked him out to see me dressed up, happy, going out for dinner with friends, applying for jobs etc. It brought it home to him with a big bang that I wasn't sitting there pining, available as a back up option. He didn't get to make a choice. That coupled with the fact we really did make friends, really enjoyed hanging out together as friends, and were going through the split in a grown up amicable way made the whole 'loss' thing quite pertinent.

Fireplaces I really admire your dignity. It pays to be pleasant, reasonable, and kind but determined in your contact with your DH. I always was, because that's my nature, and it did give me a slightly ironic sense of superiority when OW went so nuts when the affair ended that my DH was 'worried for her mental health'. This was the woman he'd described as 'so calm'. It's not kind but I still refer to her as 'her calmness' and have a small chuckle to myself. It's easy to be calm when you only ever meet someone in 5 star hotels and dine in the best restaurants London and New York can offer .

WS, I had a similar experience.

Stupidly I didn't throw him out, but I did move into the spare room for 6 weeks, and gave him a wide berth. I went away for a couple of weekends, and left him entirely alone in his office the rest of the time. I gave the kids plenty of attention. I think he began to see I was coping fine.

I didn't chat, and dressed my best and came and went a fair bit. At one point he sent a complimentary text to me about a new dress and I rebuffed it sharply. He shat bricks.

Fireplaces you write about the trauma so well.

I also agree your swift action gives you the biggest chance. Worcester proves this as well.

I didnt, and it was the biggest mistake ever. My behaviour was a walking text book on how NOT to do it.

Wellwobbly don't blame yourself, or the way you dealt with things any more. Please don't. Nothing that happened was your 'fault'. I think walking away makes it easier as it speeds up the process, but ultimately the end result will be the same.

You said somewhere that you are going through a divorce that neither of you want. If you both have doubts you can stall it. That's what I did. It gives you a bit of breathing space without closing off your way out.

I really hope it works out for you in whatever way will make you happiest.