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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have confronted him. Feel sick. Help.

413 replies

Fireplaces · 25/08/2013 20:54

Tonight I confronted my husband about the fact that he is having an affair. I have known for a couple of weeks but I was so scared of confronting him and of what would happen then. I was hoping he would finish his affair because he knew I was suspicious. But he was out late twice this week with no explanation, he has been shitty to live with and today had a go at me over something tiny.

Then he lied this evening about where he was going and he went out. I questioned him about where he was going and he lied some more. I am sure he was going to meet the OW. About half an hour after he went out I decided that I was sick of the lies and deceit. I literally couldn't take it anymore. I called him and told him I knew. And I shouted. And I told him to stop lying.

He denied it all on the phone and said he was coming straight home, but I packed his bags and left them outside the front door. He has gone, with them.

I am so scared of the future. Of tomorrow. Of the next day. How the hell am I going to get through this? I am shaking. Please help me.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 30/08/2013 05:48

Has he done the angry 'well fuck you then' thing yet? The one where they do the having a ball single life thing while you are left holding the kids? It's just another ploy to get inside your head.

I'm so sorry this has happened.. I really hope you find some peace soon.

Original poster
Fireplaces · 30/08/2013 05:52

Thank you for your lovely replies again.
You have very perceptive views in my DH. It is difficult to have that perception when I am do close to the situation, and so upset.

balia; "In my experience, suicidal people rarely worry about having enough clean keks for the following week."

This has raised a smile from me for the second time this week Smile

OP posts:
Vivacia · 30/08/2013 06:00

It sounds as though he's been emailing every day? Are you wanting no contact, or are you happy to have conversations this way?

ChasedByBees · 30/08/2013 07:42

Your marriage has been bad for some time now (about the same time as your affair). He hadn't been treating you well during that time. Just wondering whether those sustaining cinema trips happened during that time or if he was too busy treating you like shit?

Madamecastafiore · 30/08/2013 07:53

Suicidal!! My bloody foot.

Ask him why he wasn't thinking about those cinema visits when he was unzipping his flies.

Original poster
Fireplaces · 30/08/2013 09:35

And I could see him (sitting other end of the two children by my choice) texting (her???) during that cinema trip.

Like he was also doing many times at the restaurant table during our recent family holiday, and when waiting for the bags to come through at the airport ("just landed, waiting for bags, can't wait to see you tomorrow" - I mean those "just landed am safe" texts are supposed to be for spouses when he's coming back from foreign business trips, not for a 23 year old tart when he's WITH HIS WIFE AND FAMILY coming back from holiday. Bastard)

OP posts:
CeliaFate · 30/08/2013 10:15

He's rewriting history to suit himself. He's going through the stages of guilt, thinking he'll be back home in a few weeks time.

As a pp said, once he realises he's not getting anywhere, look out for the angry stage and tales of "It's not all my fault, you were to blame as well" type emails.

If I was you I'd print out this thread and remind myself of what a tosser he is when you're feeling low and thinking about having him back. He doesn't deserve you. You certainly deserve someone better than him.

AnyFucker · 30/08/2013 11:10

Have a look here

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 30/08/2013 11:27

Yup... I've had the old suicide card too. he's wallowing in self pity and it's all of his own making.
As it goes, I had the anger stage and the denial stage (I never had an affair because I told you about it so its not secret anymore and not an affair Hmm.. And I never had an affair..I made it all up so you would hate me as much as I hate myself. I have depression and you need to take me back to make me well again Hmm)

Yes....where exactly is he staying??

balia · 30/08/2013 11:55

Ooh good, the anger is back. Glad I made you smile.

Hope you have a positive day (as much as that is possible) with the focus firmly on yourself and the DC's. Try to limit the headspace you give old saddo and his motives/excuses.

And without meaning to sound flippant...WTF is it with the cinema being his fond memory of choice? In the dark, looking at action happening somewhere else and no talking...oh I see.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 30/08/2013 12:08

I would just reply (because I wouldn't be able to stop myself)

'Once again - it's a shame you didn't think of that before you broke our family apart by fucking Little Miss 23 isn't it. Neither the cinema trip nor our holiday hold good memories for me as you clearly wished you were with her at the time if all the texting is anything to go by. You have your wish - do as you please because you have driven the final nail into the coffin and my solicitor will be in touch'

Zoe900 · 30/08/2013 12:43

Just read the 14 pages and fireplaces your emails having been great, the perfect line between firm and non-confrontational. It's a hard line to strike.

If I'd read in a book that a cheating character had asked his wife to do his laundry I'd think "no! that's ridiculous, nobody could be that dense!".

I agree with posters who advise engaging as little as possible as all it does is feed their entitlement that they're the boss, they're in charge, and that you need their approval to move on, take a stand, draw a line etc... my x was a city type too. I left him and I foolishly wasted time getting drawn into all his email negotiations, all designed to bring me back to heel. I had left him before and I'd gone back because he was sorry blah blah but he then later referred to the first time I left him as that "tin pot parade". I hope you feel ok. Your emails are so calm. Well done.

Zoe900 · 30/08/2013 12:46

Chipping, it makes sense to 'drop the rope' if you are familiar with that expression and that idea. If you keep "tugging back" with a smart reply they think that the negotiation is still on going, all it really does is perpetuate their belief that you can NOT draw a line in the sand and that you DO need their approval to stay/leave whatever.

Hissy said it upthread. silence really is the one tactic that slightly penetrates these guys' forcefields of entitlement.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 30/08/2013 13:11

Don't know how he can feel suicidal thinking if losing you/ DC, when he quite happily was planning on life with OW. Hmm

Zoe900 · 30/08/2013 13:18

yeh, that is just a device to make you feel more tuned into his pain than your own.

Original poster
Fireplaces · 30/08/2013 16:00

Hello
Having a really bad day today. I have been awake since 4am, tossing and turning, worrying and stressing. I am so bloody tired I can barely think.I tried to get myself out to the local shops but I was a liability on the roads and managed to try to reverse my car through the whoppin' great wheelie bin that was behind it.

I kept looking at people in the supermarket and wondering how they could just be laughing like they didn't have a care in the world, whilemy life has crashed around me. And then I suddenly got overwhelmed by all the noise of the place and had to leave. It was a real trauma-type reaction that I had before once when I almost died (overreaction to noise, not being able to bear it).

I agreed that my DH could take the DC this weekend,starting today. They have gone camping. I said he could take the children so that I could have some time to think without the constant interruptions etc (you know what I mean). And also because they need to see their father and I am determined to be reasonable about access.

However, ever since they have gone I feel awful. I want them here with me. They are my rock. I feel (not likely) that my DH might not bring them back and will instead go on the run with them, or hurt them, or not watch their safety properly and they will get hurt. I am very insecure without them around.

And I am so tearful and emotionally about the whole affair thing. It is going round in my head about 'how could he do this to me?' etc. Everytime I see photos on the wall of the DC, I separate them mentally into 'before we were destroyed by this and after we were destroyed by this'. All my memories are tainted.I keep thinking about how I have given all my best years to this man, and he has done this to me. I keep wondering if I deserve it for karma somehow. I feel very very low. Please help.

OP posts:
PedantMarina · 30/08/2013 16:04

You still have a lot of really good years left!

mistlethrush · 30/08/2013 16:07

Its not karma. Its not your fault.

Is there anyone that you might be able to go and stay with until the children are back? Ideally someone that you could talk to - or sit in silence with.

PedantMarina · 30/08/2013 16:19

If you don't have RL support, why not immerse yourself in a box set that STBXH would never enjoy. Have a bit of wine and chocolate and do all those pampering things you don't normally have time to do.

Of course it's probably not going to take your mind completely off not having the DCs around, but treat yourself well every chance you get, and eventually it'll start to sink in.

Virtual hugs from me, though.... {{{{{{{Fireplaces}}}}}}}}

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 30/08/2013 16:34

It's shit isn't it :( All of it.

He will bring the children back, you know that, so try not to go there.

It is hard to be without them, but try to use this time to think & recharge your batteries. This is going to take a while to sort you/get through and you need your strength.

Do you have any friends you can really be yourself with? Friends you can just 'be with' and not have to be 'up'?

The first time, when I was very young, I was like that too (couldn't cope with supermarkets etc), I couldn't even be on my own - I was a pathetic mess, my friends were great and took turns in being with me and staying with me. I look back and wonder who that was - because it's SO not me. Not at all. (That break up was just due to us being young and us needing to go our own ways). When my Ex cheated on me and we split up (after dragging it out for over a year and 'trying') I was much much better. I was still upset etc - heartbroken (or so I thought, when my Dad died I actually learnt what properly hearbroken felt like) but I knew I could cope on my own, I knew I'd be fine and I knew I just had to get on with it. But I can still feel that shitty scared horrible feeling when I think back to the first time :(

Do what you can to distract and treat yourself. If you can, go out and have a coffee in a cafe, browse a bookshop etc, if you can't order food online, watch some crap TV & try to do something practical & physical like paint a room or tidy up the garden - tiring yourself out will help you to sleep as well as take your mind off of it.

I wish you weren't going through this.

Jammee · 30/08/2013 16:56

Could you book a hotel and take a friend. Somewhere with a spa or something? Get a massage or your nails done. Pamper yourself and go out for a meal, even if you don't feel hungry. Just have some "me" time and don't even think about DH.

All of the thoughts and feelings are things that you probably can't avoid. You will have to go through them at some point but you don't need to deal with it all at once, especially when it is so raw. Take the weekend for yourself and concentrate on you.

CeliaFate · 30/08/2013 17:04

Spend the weekend with a friend if possible. Try and get some sleep and eat something; don't make yourself ill.

Order shopping online if you can't face going out and get simple things like soup and ready meals so you don't have to go to any effort.

You are grieving, it will be horrendous on some days and bearable on others. Some days you will feel happier than when you were together.

Don't expect to feel strong all the time.

Keep posting. You will get through this.

Original poster
Fireplaces · 30/08/2013 17:07

OK, I like the idea of pampering myself much more than painting a room or doing the garden (sorry Chippin, don't mean to diss your ideas which I am grateful for you giving...I just don't have the energy for anything physical).

But a beauty treatments or nails would be nice. I will gove it some thought.

I now have a RL friend coming this evening to stay the night. Thanks for that suggestion. She doesn't know what's going to hit her, I will be a sobbing wreck.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/08/2013 17:16

Lean on your friend, love

People want to help if you will let them.

balia · 30/08/2013 17:16

You're grieving for the life you thought you had and the future you had planned for your children. You can't stop grief, you have to go through it. Be very good to yourself. Yes yes to nails, hair, massage (great for all the stress) facial, pedicure. Get one of those Spa days booked for the next time he has the DC's - they often do lovely healthy lunches, that's a good idea too. I did meditation classes, they were brilliant.

It's not your fault.