Gutted: Is this the begining of the End?

[Contrarian78]

I've happened across these pages by accident (looking for a review of something I was buying) but have read with interest the advice that's given.

I'm a mid-thirties (34) male who is married (9 years) with two children (7 and 3). My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have, up until recently I think, always had a pretty solid relationship.

The one area we do seem to struggle with though is sex. Our sex-drives are massively mis-matched. I try to be understanding and of course we always march to the beat of her drum - which I sort of accept (even if I resent it a little) as there's nothing that would turn me off more than knowing she's doing it out of a sense of wifely duty - we fell into that trap (and never really got out of it) after our son was born.

My wife and I both work full time and split domestic duties evenly (honestly we do!). Having recently realised that we were in real danger of going our separate ways, we have decided to make more of an effort. She acknowledged some things - which was great, and I've made a real effort to not pressure her and be more romantic.

The 'problem' now is that it all seems a little 'forced' it doesn't quite feel natural. I sympathise with her becasue she's damned if she doesn't and damned if she does, but it feels like she's making more of an effort in order to protect the lifestyle we have and not disrupt things for the sake of the kids. I apreciate that, but I honestly don't think she'd choose me if we met today.

This is all made harder because I still fancy her rotten and she's such a kind person. Certainly I'd never cheat on her (we've only ever been with each other) but I do sort of wish that she wanted me as much as I want her. She admits she's not a particularly sexual person. We've done some pretty amazing stuff over the years (though I always feel I have to push it) but it's only when she's had a drink - which makes me a little sad if I'm honest.

Sorry for the long whinge off. It's sort of cathartic to get it off my chest. I feel bad becasue she's lovely and we have really made a good life for ourselves. But at what point might you realise that a split is inevitable?

I must be more f_cked up than I thought. I still can't see anything in the intial post (though there is in subsequent ones I suppose) that marks me out as having any beliefs/views/feeling that are unreasonable.

I think you believe that I'm so objectionable and unreasonable that there was no hope. I n this instance I accept that I was in the wrong - with regards to the expectations I had of my wife.

LPP, he got a shag

Woopy do. Now all is well (for a day or two) and he feels he can tell the women on here a thing or two about relationships

What an utter cock

Pity his wife

:o Anyfucker

You could not be further from the truth.

You are utterly offensive.

As are you, sunshine

You floor me yet again AnyFucker.

Right I shall start trying to read through the posts....

Maybe AF was a big offensive OP but i think the point is a valid one - ie what will your response be to the next lull in sexual activity? Because obviously this problem aint going to go away.

Maybe?

You've hit the nail on the head though. That's when the real test will come. I honestly do (at the moment) feel like I'd be able to handle it better. I'd certainly handle it differently. Without a doubt. In that sense, the problem might go away - as it was/is a problem with my attitude and expectation, rather than anything else.

I'll check back in in a few weeks time.......

God almighty. I've followed this thread from the start, OK contrarian you have been a bit of a cock, but you've at least been honest (on here). I think people need to calm down a bit.

I've worked as a sex educator, and like the others I don't think your problem is unusual, but your way of dealing with it has probably been too, results-oriented, let's say.

I personally think, if you want to make progress with the situation over the long term, you really need to back right off with your wife. Pressuring anyone to have sex, even tacitly, is a massive turn off and will be completely counter productive. It may destroy her confidence and her desire for you for good. As for all the sexual things you'd like to do with her, you need to build trust and go gently and slowly. You should ideally discuss things away from the bedroom, and, to be honest, outside of a sexual situation at first. Being brutally honest, looming over her with a stiffie and asking for oral sex is probably going to result in a firm NO. Again, that's a pressured situation. Talking about what you both enjoy in a context away from the bedroom is far more likely to result in you both learning about each other. You can suggest things, and then just LEAVE IT.

I would also forget completely what you think is a "normal" or "average" frequency for couples to have sex. It's only what's "normal" for them. Just focus on respecting each other's needs. If your wife needs a week or 2 without sex, then respect that.

The other thing I didn't see covered here is why masturbating without porn isn't an option for you? Would your wife be less threatened/upset by that?

Well said GreyWhites, those are really sensible and productive suggestions and lol at the stiffie comment though totally true.

OP it's good that you have come to your senses and also that you have been so honest despite the backlash. I think it would be a little naive to think that this situation is resolved or that you have changed 100% but I hope things continue to improve for you and DW.

Thanks both.

It's far too early to say if the situation is resolved. I do though, still feel differently, so that is encouraging. Despite the St. Paul on the road to Damascus moment, I'm not so complacent so as to think that the issue is now totally resolved. The test will come when we inveitably go through a dry-spell (>10- 14 days).

I have backed off entirely and things do feel more natural, which is great for both of us. I think much of the problem was that I over-analysed everything.

I do love your definition of a dry spell...

As has been mentioned several times in the last 500+ messages, two weeks is not a dry spell. It is well within the bounds of "normal".

Yes just to reinforce, for most people dry spells are measured in months at least ...

Well indeed, but we've already discussed how pointless it is to point out what's "normal" for other people in the context of sex. We're not dealing with everyone else's sex life, we're dealing with 2 individuals.

I personally also laughed out loud when I discovered we were talking about a week rather than months, but, for this couple, it IS a problem and you have to respect that, rather than saying HA YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT BAD, WELL LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT ME ME ME.

Absolutely correct. I'd have been climbing the walls at a week (and often was) though it was never really to do with the frequency.

If I'm being honest with myself, even the new and improved me would (I think) start to get concerned after a fortnight. If there has been intimacy in between, or some other factor, then I know (from personal experience) I can go longer. We waited almost 6 weeks after our daughter was born, and I wasn't in the least bit bothered

I'm not looking for a medal for that last bit by the way. I just note that it's the longest we've been without sex (I think) and I wasn't in the least bit concerned

Yes, 2 individuals that form a couple, and the OP's wife's idea if the norm might be more average than his. I know it's been said lots of times, but the OP seemed to have temporarily forgotten, that's all

Jesus.

Face palm

Almost six weeks.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Even I concede that the last post doesn't show me in the best light - but it is however, an accurate reflection of my feelings. I'm just being honest about how I think I might be.

I'm trying hard to be more reasonable in my expectations and so far it's going well. My wife has commented and noted that it's all much more relaxed - which I'm pleased about.

During one of our new 'grown-up' conversations (where I don't use closed questions to get to the outcome I want) my wife suggested that she gets frustrated at 10 days. She prefers to let it build up - whereas I don't. She's suggested (and I can see it from her point of view) that the pot will boil more quickly if I don't take the lid off every day to see how things are going.

I am genuinely mystified as to WHY YOU SIMPLY CANNOT HAVE A WANK LIKE ANY OTHER NORMAL PERSON.

She's suggested (and I can see it from her point of view) that the pot will boil more quickly if I don't take the lid off every day to see how things are going.

Has this really never occurred to you before?

And forgive me if this has been covered, but what on earth would you do if your wife was ill or incapacitated and could not meet your greed - er - your needs?

It hadn't occurred to me. I wasn't thinking in that normal and reasoned way.

My wife has been ill/incapacitated. I didn't mind. I'm not SO SELF-CENTRED that I'd feel rejected in those circumstances.