Gutted: Is this the begining of the End?

[Contrarian78]

I've happened across these pages by accident (looking for a review of something I was buying) but have read with interest the advice that's given.

I'm a mid-thirties (34) male who is married (9 years) with two children (7 and 3). My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have, up until recently I think, always had a pretty solid relationship.

The one area we do seem to struggle with though is sex. Our sex-drives are massively mis-matched. I try to be understanding and of course we always march to the beat of her drum - which I sort of accept (even if I resent it a little) as there's nothing that would turn me off more than knowing she's doing it out of a sense of wifely duty - we fell into that trap (and never really got out of it) after our son was born.

My wife and I both work full time and split domestic duties evenly (honestly we do!). Having recently realised that we were in real danger of going our separate ways, we have decided to make more of an effort. She acknowledged some things - which was great, and I've made a real effort to not pressure her and be more romantic.

The 'problem' now is that it all seems a little 'forced' it doesn't quite feel natural. I sympathise with her becasue she's damned if she doesn't and damned if she does, but it feels like she's making more of an effort in order to protect the lifestyle we have and not disrupt things for the sake of the kids. I apreciate that, but I honestly don't think she'd choose me if we met today.

This is all made harder because I still fancy her rotten and she's such a kind person. Certainly I'd never cheat on her (we've only ever been with each other) but I do sort of wish that she wanted me as much as I want her. She admits she's not a particularly sexual person. We've done some pretty amazing stuff over the years (though I always feel I have to push it) but it's only when she's had a drink - which makes me a little sad if I'm honest.

Sorry for the long whinge off. It's sort of cathartic to get it off my chest. I feel bad becasue she's lovely and we have really made a good life for ourselves. But at what point might you realise that a split is inevitable?

34, 35 in December

Byeee!

My reaction to you isn't based on gender. I don't actually assume you are a man as it happens. You may be, I dunno.

But yes, I should be able to contribute to this thread without resorting to insults.

I apologise for calling you vile. And a div. I'm perfectly happy with the rest of the content though.

Isn't it just DF. One could be excused for thinking it was written simply to enrage posters.

OP - You are truely unbelievable and I hope your wife comes to her senses and leaves you. You are an arrogant, bullying, self obsessed person who needs to look at his very large shortcomings and stop blaming his wife for not wanting to fuck him like a porn star whilst being emotionally abused.

It's a wonder you are not under the patio.

Apology accepted.

????I know this is the 21st Century and all, but the posts make numerous references to my 'Wife' our 'kids' and a whole host of other identifiers. It's a little disingenuous that you wouldn't assume I was a man. Nice try though.

Have you never heard of trolling, op?

I think you've got a bit of a chip on your shoulder my dear.

Sone posts have been a little contriversial, but 99% of mine were deadly serious

I have. It even made it into my newspaper.

No chip, I can see through you, that's all.

Well, it's been emotional folks. I'm going to whisk my wife away on a long weekend (hopefully) and spoil her rotten. I'll apologise and try my hardest to change.

It's genuinely been a real eye-opener (thankfully August is a quiet month). I'll report back if I can be bothered and let you know how it goes.

You can pretend you're not interested, but I'm sure you must be -oh shit I am a Narc--

Have a wonderful Bank Holiday and I wish you all long and happy lives. I hope you can all continue being perfect! I know I will be.

I wasn't talking to you but I suspect you've got some underlying issue or another. I've thrown mine out there for all to see. It was great/upsetting/useful

No 'institutionalised' isn't actually all bad.
But to express it another way, she pretty much left mum and dad's to live with you. You're her only experience of men apart from dad. Are you happy with how you're representing men? What will she say about her, presumably only, experience of men when she's on her deathbed? What will she tell her daughter of her experience of men?

In other words, are you filling those shoes in a worthy manner?

Alrighty then!

She has a brother and Male friends/colleagues etc.

I'm filling them in the best way I know how. I hope she'll look back and say:

Was he perfect? Not really. Did he love and protect me and my kids in the best way he knew how? Certainly.

I hope she'll say to our daughter: Your Dad and I had our ups and downs, but we were faithful to one another until the end, and it worked for us.

That's what I hope for

She might indeed say that. But do you want to say anything about the bit where she'll say 'If he hadn't pestered me relentlessly for sex, he might've been perfect'?

And I'm sure in that regard, she'll be telling her daughter not to make the same mistake she did....

Enjoy the weekend :)

She might.

I admit, I haven't read the whole thread which I know will annoy some people... (Have read most of it). But I genuinely don't understand why the OP is getting such a hard time on here... Am I missing something?!

Was that for me? I don't know what it means.

Just read the thread love and express and informed opinion then.

or an even

Please specifically read my posts. I'd be interested to get a fresh perspective.

As long as it's not the majority one you mean.

now off you go and pack the sex toys...

Contrarian, a couple more thoughts, not relating to your sex life.

I suspect that your professional life involves a great deal of strategic plotting (maybe you're a lawyer?) and that working out how to outflank the other party has become so much second nature that you use the same tactics at home. Remember that a marriage is a partnership and that your aim should be to achieve a mutually acceptable solution, not just get what you want. As your wife isn't as good at putting her point of view across I expect that she often gets railroaded and is left feeling frustrated that her views and wishes are overridden.

Also I think you need to try to forget, in your dealings with her, that you are the main breadwinner. The way in which you actually sort out your joint finances seems to work fine in practice (the comments made by other posters about the desirability of her making a contribution to financial responsibilities probably come from those in households where money is considerably tighter). But I get a definite sense that you regard yourself as the senior partner in the coalition! I out-earn my DH by quite some margin, but only remind him of this when he tries to be dictatorial about financial matters or when his job threatens to become so overwhelming that my ability to do mine is compromised.