Gutted: Is this the begining of the End?

[Contrarian78]

I've happened across these pages by accident (looking for a review of something I was buying) but have read with interest the advice that's given.

I'm a mid-thirties (34) male who is married (9 years) with two children (7 and 3). My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have, up until recently I think, always had a pretty solid relationship.

The one area we do seem to struggle with though is sex. Our sex-drives are massively mis-matched. I try to be understanding and of course we always march to the beat of her drum - which I sort of accept (even if I resent it a little) as there's nothing that would turn me off more than knowing she's doing it out of a sense of wifely duty - we fell into that trap (and never really got out of it) after our son was born.

My wife and I both work full time and split domestic duties evenly (honestly we do!). Having recently realised that we were in real danger of going our separate ways, we have decided to make more of an effort. She acknowledged some things - which was great, and I've made a real effort to not pressure her and be more romantic.

The 'problem' now is that it all seems a little 'forced' it doesn't quite feel natural. I sympathise with her becasue she's damned if she doesn't and damned if she does, but it feels like she's making more of an effort in order to protect the lifestyle we have and not disrupt things for the sake of the kids. I apreciate that, but I honestly don't think she'd choose me if we met today.

This is all made harder because I still fancy her rotten and she's such a kind person. Certainly I'd never cheat on her (we've only ever been with each other) but I do sort of wish that she wanted me as much as I want her. She admits she's not a particularly sexual person. We've done some pretty amazing stuff over the years (though I always feel I have to push it) but it's only when she's had a drink - which makes me a little sad if I'm honest.

Sorry for the long whinge off. It's sort of cathartic to get it off my chest. I feel bad becasue she's lovely and we have really made a good life for ourselves. But at what point might you realise that a split is inevitable?

"But the reason OP and my husband want us to initiate sex is so they KNOW THAT WE ARE ENJOYING IT! Its so that they DONT feel we have been pressured into doing something we don't want to do! "

right. so the OP, who has clearly said that some of the sex is rather good should perhaps reajust his expectations and maybe realise that his wife is probably doing it more than she likes. So perhaps he should learn to accept that reducing it to once a fortnight is probably going to mean better 'quality' sex.

Loving the fact this thread started out that you were considering leaving her for not putting out enough (even though everything else was perfect) and now it is our fault you confronted her about it yet again last night - even though we told you YOU were being aggressive and manipulative and expecting too much from one person.

Typical manipulative behaviour; whine, realise you were wrong, go ahead aggressively anyway and then blame someone else for the fall out.
You are just bored it seems. Your poor wife must have to deal with every bored whim you have when you decide something isn't perfect.

Please wake up and see life for most people isn't just based on sex. What a one dimensional place that would be!

OP- I was just making the point that people were offering a range of responses.

I think the therapy route would be eminently sensible.

and... Strokey, you said earlier

"OP wants his wife to ENJOY a normal active sex life. His wife doesn't have a high sex drive, but wants to make him happy by providing duty sex, which isn't enough for him. "

then you say

"From what I understood, he mainly wants her to enjoy it and be part of it. I know my husband really likes me to initiate it. Which is obviously difficult and "fake" if you don't really have much sex drive.

I think the point is he DOESNT want her to do anything she doesn't want to! He wants her to genuinely want to."

Short of him shouting at her 'ENJOY IT DAMMIT' what exactly do you think the OP can do to make her enjoy it, or act in a convincing enough way to make him think she enjoys it?

Perhaps if she gave him a blow job every now and again he might overlook the fact that she is obviously not enjoying it because at least he has got what he wants?

She has made it really clear to him that she doesn't enjoy blowjobs. The OP said "My wife isn't fine with blow-jobs by the way. And that has casued some issues." ... he also said that knowing she doesn't like them he still asks for them which doesn't go down well at all. I can understand why.

She has set boundaries, some of which have been obvious throughout their relationship and now he's getting pissy because she still wants those boundaries to be there while he just keeps trying to move them.

"My wife was talking last week about us having more children. I was less keen, but only becasue I percieved there to be an issue with sex."

what do you mean?

Everything else wasn't perfect, but this was the main issue (for me).

I do get bored easily, but tend to focus on 'improving' other things - which my wife is happy for me to do. Thigs went wrong when I decided to set about 'improving' our sex life.

You can't really say that I've said it's your fault:

The advice here, although often destructive, isn't bad. I often agree with it - which is why I sought it. The dangerous bit for me, was that I took that sentiment (often applied to women with cheating husbands and the like) and applied it to myself when really, I just had a bit of a gripe. _That's my fault

'Emboldened' by my missives on this thread yesterday (and those of others (partciularly CaS)) I rasied the topic again with my wife. She's sick of hearing about this (understandably) and the discussion didn't go well and culminated with her sleeping in the spare room and us considering separation (again).
No this bit OP - there is an example of you manipulating again, see?

Completely off-topic, sorry, Lioninthesun - did you make that cake?? It's fab!

The one on your profile, I mean

I thought the relationship was imperfect - so didn't/don't want to bring kids into it. It is imperfect (and will remain so) but the imperfection is as a result of my unrealistic expectations.

I was pointing it out becasue my wife despite what helltotheno might think saw/sees her future with me.

Your earlier post sums it up. You can't MAKE someone enjoy it/want to do it. I'm not sure why I thought I could.

The BJ think is slightly more complex. My wife has never been ultra-keen, but has done it on numerous occassions. When we had the last heart-to-heart (when I moved back in) we agreed that I would make changes around being more romantic etc. (which she agreed that I did) and she would introduce BJ's on a regular, if not frequent, basis. I should point out that it wasn't a quid-pro-quo but rather a broader discussion about what each would like. It included other things too (initiating, me not being grumpy, etc.). During sex recently, my wife asked for something - and I readily obliged. I then asked for a BJ and she hit the roof (and the whole show groud to a halt)

I could have handled being told 'no' - we were at that point about to have sex and she was definitely engaged - but she really got the hump and we both wentto bet with the hump. I'd have preferred if she'd have just not agreed to put them on the menu. I'd have been disappoinoted, but my world wouldn't have ended.

I'm not being manipulative though? You're setting the bar pretty low. I said "emoldened" not "because"

And even if I had, I'm not cinvinced that would constitute manipulating. I referred to my own amd other posts. I wasn't ducking responsibility.

Yes, Kelly. Thank you!
Bit bored of this guy now, think he will always find something wrong with the woman he professes to love. Please OP, for you own sake just note that many people have worse situations and stay out of LOVE and make it work.

Oh she sees her future with you alright you're probably a passable sperm donor Chick is merely institutionalised. She doesn't know any different you see.

Your post has no basis in any of the facts that you might have picked up during reading (but perhaps based on your own experiences - that fine by the way but you then present them as facts which apply to me) When you're called on it, you become "bored"

that's actually a little bit offensive. I'd never EVER refer to a woman a 'passable womb/babycarrier'

I wouldn't say that my wife is instituitonalised. She's a professional and gets to see all walks of life. We also have firends who are in various stages of relationships (married/divorced/single parents/single)

These kinds of threads always seem to follow the same pattern. It's like they are written over and over by the same person.

Gosh - it's all getting a bit overly dramatic and harsh on here.

OP- I think you will find a counsellor a more useful outlet. Good luck.

I'd already acknowledged that I'd misued the info by incorporating it into a misguided strategy. The advice was given freely and I abused it (not ralising that I was). In fact I realised it wasn't CaS's advice in any event (at least I don't think it was).

I may be vile, but I have to say, you really do strike me as an agressive bully. I'd be interested to know if you'd ever speak to a woman in that way.

If she wants another kid, she's not going to leave you OP so of course she sees a future with you. Although beware because that may not always apply.

I mean 'institutionalised' through only ever having been with you. Figuratively, you know?

Then surely I'm equally 'instituionalised'. Many people must be. Is that bad?

And boring, Kelly . I don't think he likes being called that even though he has admitted nit-picking to perect his happy life

Easily bored yes. I've adimitted as much. Why the personal attacks?

To clarify, are you 34 or 35 OP?
Yawn.

Or was it your birthday yesterday when the OP says you are 34 but when I asked you said 35? Is that why you thought you could bring up the already sore subject with your wife after a forum told you not to push her?