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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gutted: Is this the begining of the End?

580 replies

Contrarian78 · 20/08/2013 14:03

I've happened across these pages by accident (looking for a review of something I was buying) but have read with interest the advice that's given.

I'm a mid-thirties (34) male who is married (9 years) with two children (7 and 3). My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have, up until recently I think, always had a pretty solid relationship.

The one area we do seem to struggle with though is sex. Our sex-drives are massively mis-matched. I try to be understanding and of course we always march to the beat of her drum - which I sort of accept (even if I resent it a little) as there's nothing that would turn me off more than knowing she's doing it out of a sense of wifely duty - we fell into that trap (and never really got out of it) after our son was born.

My wife and I both work full time and split domestic duties evenly (honestly we do!). Having recently realised that we were in real danger of going our separate ways, we have decided to make more of an effort. She acknowledged some things - which was great, and I've made a real effort to not pressure her and be more romantic.

The 'problem' now is that it all seems a little 'forced' it doesn't quite feel natural. I sympathise with her becasue she's damned if she doesn't and damned if she does, but it feels like she's making more of an effort in order to protect the lifestyle we have and not disrupt things for the sake of the kids. I apreciate that, but I honestly don't think she'd choose me if we met today.

This is all made harder because I still fancy her rotten and she's such a kind person. Certainly I'd never cheat on her (we've only ever been with each other) but I do sort of wish that she wanted me as much as I want her. She admits she's not a particularly sexual person. We've done some pretty amazing stuff over the years (though I always feel I have to push it) but it's only when she's had a drink - which makes me a little sad if I'm honest.

Sorry for the long whinge off. It's sort of cathartic to get it off my chest. I feel bad becasue she's lovely and we have really made a good life for ourselves. But at what point might you realise that a split is inevitable?

OP posts:
TramadolDaze · 22/08/2013 19:34

Lion - have PM'd you

Will drop one to anyone else who's interested Wink

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 22/08/2013 19:39

Muse: correct in many ways.

Tramdol: please share. I've nothing toI hide.

OP posts:
ExcuseTypos · 22/08/2013 19:39

Oh Id like one please TramadolSmile

Vivacia · 22/08/2013 19:48

Delurks yes please Tramadol

8isgood · 22/08/2013 20:08

I have dipped in and out if this thread - you know what it's like working mum, summer hols etc etc = no time!!!

OP I feel you are getting a really hard time here now :-(

I've read your posts and you are brave to open up !!!

I suffered nearly 25 years in an abusive marriage from the same age as you got together. I was abused physically, emotionally and sexually and believe me are not naive !!!

I really believe in what you say.

I believe you love your wife.
Believe that you are a good dad and husband.

But I do think that if your wife feels like she dies then there is little hope of her getting those feelings back and I feel sad for you both.

But you have to decide if you can live as friends which quite clearly you are :-)

Can you co-habit as parents with no true physical affection, love Etc??????

Only you can decide.

You can carry on doing what you are but if your wife really and truly doesn't feel for you what you feel for her then I'm sorry but you do only get one life!!

I finally realised that and left.

The kids are fine and I am finally true to myself.

No-one can tell you what to do and these forums can be quite upsetting :-(

Helpful to a degree but no-one knows the true picture.

I think that even to post on here shows how unhappy we all are really :-(

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 22/08/2013 22:06

8isgood: I've got a lot of making up to do to my wife. I'm grateful to the people here who helped me see that I was being a first class arse. What I found interesting though is that I capitulated and held my hands up (having argued with my wife last night and spending all night thinking) and the attacks - seldom based on facts - became worse. I'm fairly thick skinned (though curiously I was bothered on my wife's behalf) but it occurred to me that those on here who had outed me as a bully (which perhaps to a degree I was/am) started becoming bullies themselves. Rank hypocrisy. Evidenced (in a way) by the need to share private messages - which I hope doesn't pertain to my identity or that of my family.

OP posts:
tumbletumble · 22/08/2013 22:09

Me please Tramadol!

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 22/08/2013 22:10

Also, I'm sorry for your situation, but glad you came out the other end.

OP posts:
tumbletumble · 22/08/2013 22:11

FWIW OP, I do think you have admitted you were in the wrong and haven't received enough credit for that.

This thread has become a bit of a soap opera...

Helltotheno · 22/08/2013 22:23

Fundamentally, OP doesn't deep down believe he's in the wrong. That's why he's copping all the flak. Things won't change chez OP, trust me.

ageofgrandillusion · 22/08/2013 22:31

What you giving away tramadol? Is it a cake mix? Whatever it is, send me it.
OP - like i said, keep bashing the bishop, sex isnt everything.

whosshe · 27/08/2013 10:26

Tramadoldaze, pm me too please....

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 27/08/2013 10:57

me too?

Update:

Had a fantatic bank-holiday weekend away. Feel absolutely blessed. Was being a bit of a silly boy. Smile

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/08/2013 11:29

What a ridiculous piece of navel gazing that turned out to be

Were you suitably entertained?

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 27/08/2013 11:44

Not really. I appreciate that the problem might have seemed insignificant for many; however, when you get someting in your mind it tends to take over and prevades every aspect of your life.

Many of the posts on here can really be boiled down to a mis-match in expectations between partners. Sometimes these are summountable (as in my case) and sometimes not.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/08/2013 11:47

Your new found wisdom is humbling Hmm

LoisPuddingLane · 28/08/2013 18:38

22 pages and you were being a bit silly? Goodness me. I can't wait for there to be a real crisis. You might have to warn me so I can book the week off work.

Helltotheno · 28/08/2013 19:12

Meh.. you'll be back next time Willy gets rusty from lack of use (ie, in the next day or two)...

LittlePeaPod · 29/08/2013 07:24

Contrarian just came across this thread. I havent read through the 544 posts only read your original post. Having read your original post it all makes sense and I now understand your comments on the other thread. Your view of what women should accept, tolerate and put up with in relationships is influenced by your own relationship. It also explains why you don't think two people can be in a relationship were they are completely compatible without the need to modify their behaviour in one way or another. It all makes sense now.

LittlePeaPod · 29/08/2013 07:55

Tramadoldaze please email me too. Cheers

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 29/08/2013 08:18

LPP: Utter nonsense. You admitted that you hadn't rad all the posts, so that really invalidates your entire comment.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 29/08/2013 08:28

Yep, you should read the rest of his replies Little it gets worse.

LittlePeaPod · 29/08/2013 08:48

Contrarian your original post and your other comments on the other thread give enough insight. You have a distorted view of healthy relationships and what women should and should not tolerate. You think it's our responsibilty to mould men etc. Utter rubbish. I thought you were winding us up on the other thread however you really do have an out dated view on this particular subject. I intend to read your comments here when I have a moment....

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 29/08/2013 08:50

Read them, and you realise that I accepted that I was (in this instance) totally in the wrong.

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 29/08/2013 08:59

Will be interested to see how someone can go from the position above to admitting their wrong in a matter of 9 days when clearly these beliefs/views/feelings have been ingrained for quite a number of years..

Vivacia I am truly intrigued. Smile