Gutted: Is this the begining of the End?

[Contrarian78]

I've happened across these pages by accident (looking for a review of something I was buying) but have read with interest the advice that's given.

I'm a mid-thirties (34) male who is married (9 years) with two children (7 and 3). My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have, up until recently I think, always had a pretty solid relationship.

The one area we do seem to struggle with though is sex. Our sex-drives are massively mis-matched. I try to be understanding and of course we always march to the beat of her drum - which I sort of accept (even if I resent it a little) as there's nothing that would turn me off more than knowing she's doing it out of a sense of wifely duty - we fell into that trap (and never really got out of it) after our son was born.

My wife and I both work full time and split domestic duties evenly (honestly we do!). Having recently realised that we were in real danger of going our separate ways, we have decided to make more of an effort. She acknowledged some things - which was great, and I've made a real effort to not pressure her and be more romantic.

The 'problem' now is that it all seems a little 'forced' it doesn't quite feel natural. I sympathise with her becasue she's damned if she doesn't and damned if she does, but it feels like she's making more of an effort in order to protect the lifestyle we have and not disrupt things for the sake of the kids. I apreciate that, but I honestly don't think she'd choose me if we met today.

This is all made harder because I still fancy her rotten and she's such a kind person. Certainly I'd never cheat on her (we've only ever been with each other) but I do sort of wish that she wanted me as much as I want her. She admits she's not a particularly sexual person. We've done some pretty amazing stuff over the years (though I always feel I have to push it) but it's only when she's had a drink - which makes me a little sad if I'm honest.

Sorry for the long whinge off. It's sort of cathartic to get it off my chest. I feel bad becasue she's lovely and we have really made a good life for ourselves. But at what point might you realise that a split is inevitable?

Okay, I'm done. I was supportive at first, then this thread got to be compulsive viewing (not necessarily in a good way), but having what I said used against your wife instead of productively is frankly quite upsetting.

plus - the op himself has said "highly sexed yes, but not addicted."

Highly sexed people possibly thnk that what they feel and 'need' is normal, yet once a week sounds pretty normal to most people here. So the OP, taking the advice he has been given, should stop pestering his wife for more/better sex when he's already stated that some of the sex he gets is just fine and the frequency is not an issue.

But you don't get it. The advice here, although often destructive, isn't bad. I often agree with it - whichi is why I sought it. The dangerous bit for me, was that I took that sentiment (often applied to women with cheating husbands and the like) and applied it to myself when really, I just had a bit of a gripe. That's my fault.

You don't know how smart I think I am.

I really think sorting out the financial aspects and contraception would help get your marriage back on track.

I don't think it is healthy for any party in a relationship to be granted pocket money whilst the other person is seen to take on all the responsibility financially. It doesn't matter if she is contributing to the children financially at her discretion- it's the dynamic that sets up.

Psychologically it puts the receiver in a passive state and not an equal contributor. From there these unsolved things can lead to underlying conflict and power battles as each tries to assert and dominate within a relationship. Just because someone earns less doesn't mean that they contribute less to the family but yet this is the message sent out when you treat your wife as someone with a bit of pin money that she fritters about.

If you pool your money it becomes 'our ' money and then it is equally split for each individual once mutually decided commitments are met. Fairer for both.

Re contraception- the pill can be awful for some women. Use a condom and take responsibility for yourself in this relationship. If she doesn't like it then there are alternatives for her to explore.

I don't think you are being abusive -just needy and manipulative and I believe that may be due to unresolved issues- which are manifesting sexually. You are perfectly capable of scratching your own itch if you are highly sexed but I don't think it is about that is it? I am sure your wife has her own issues to as these things tend to be two-sided.

too

I know my husband really likes me to initiate it. Which is obviously difficult and "fake" if you don't really have much sex drive.

Strokey if this is what sex is like for you, I feel genuine sympathy for you because I can only describe the two sentences above as repugnant. Equally disturbing and wrong on so many levels is the fact your DH presumably knows how you feel and still 'likes you to initiate'. Let me tell you that I give you props for being able to do that because not many could without serious effects.

OP I will give you my take on your wife. She met you at 18. You were her first. My guess is that she knew no better and has not yet been sexually awakened, for want of a better term. Under the circs, I very much doubt that you, with your sex toys and grot and tantric, will ever be the man to do it.

I hope you both find more suitable partners and manage to salvage a friendship in the process. Sincerely, good luck with that.

Oh I think we do.

"You don't know how smart I think I am"

Oh I think we do.

Going on what you've written here, you think you're very clever.

I think there's no right or wrong comment to be made here.
Each of us comes with the baggage of their own experience.

I think OP is fooling himself.

He says: I would like this put into context though. The relationship is otherwise great. Yes you're entitled to feel sorry for my wife (I do), but this is one small facet of our relationship. One of the things she said last night (which I've acknowledged) is that she thought the marriage was in good shape (save of course for this issue).

yet, after 16 years together they can't discuss without upsetting each other about one thing - sex

I don't know if he is one of those guys who assumes he knows what his wife needs and would not take into consideration that perhaps he doesn't know her that well after all.

Why don't you both go to marriage counseling with hope of learning about each other better.

Why would she not go? Is she scared of owning up to real reason why she is not turned on by her husband?

The above from Strokey really resonates with me. It's the situation I was/am in. I tried to resolve it - in my own warped way - and I've ended up here. Strokey's method - although one I personally struggle with - is one that will doubtless prove less disruptive until such time that things equalise.

And she my first. We've had a great sex life and there have been times when I've been more than happy. Although she might be considered a little stunted sexually, she has her moments. I just want(ed) it to be Christmas everyday. We began doing whtat Strokey does (as a way of a compromise). I should have left it at that, but felt that it should be mutually fulfilling and pushed things.

antimatter: Perhaps, but she said (last night) that the pressure is a turn off. I can understand that.

she won't go to counselling (I believe - and I've suggested it) becasue she thinks that I will dominate the agenda and that she'll be made to feel as if she's in the wrong. I didn't push it, becasue I thought that even if that were the outcome, nothing would change.

He's following a well worn script used by lots of men over the years on here, starting off sounding very reasonable and loving but you don't have to look too hard to see the reality (if you've got half a brain that is) - he's told us exactly the kind of man that he is.
It's precisely knowing what a good, decent and loving man is (and does) that enables the women on here to spot the men who aren't - if some people think that all men are like this, they haven't known any who aren't.

The key issue here is power balance not sexual frequency/compatibility.

"We've had a great sex life and there have been times when I've been more than happy. Although she might be considered a little stunted sexually, she has her moments"
Jesus, are you actually reading what you are writing?

You really don't get it, do you?

maybe you should go separately?

so your wife already told you you are dominating in area where perhaps it's her wish to take lead?

yet you needed 100 people or so on this thread to tell you that over and over again to admit that perhaps... maybe you a re just a little bit....

I think letting her to make decisions would be the best thing to do, but she has to learn to trust you (after 16 years !!!!) that hug and a kiss doesn't mean you want to go all the way, that this is sign of love and not mainly desire

I get it. I don't always necessarily articulate it well. I've thrown myself prostate at my wife's feet. I've admitted I've been wrong. I now feel as if I'm having to defend an entire relationship which has over the years been probably better than average - although I didn't recognise it.

Our arragnements (sexual, financial and otherwise) aren't necessarily conventional, but they have broadly, and to a fashion, work for us. I started to think that it wasn't good enough and behaved despicably. I've admitted as much.

I'm now he says with tongue paced firmly in his cheek thinking we should go our spearate ways as our relationship is uttely dysfunctional and everybody else conducts themselves perfectly - having never behaved badly or with poor judgement. I want one of those relationships.

But the reason OP and my husband want us to initiate sex is so they KNOW THAT WE ARE ENJOYING IT! Its so that they DONT feel we have been pressured into doing something we don't want to do! Its the exact opposite of the sort of bastard you are describing

Its not nice for a bloke to be constantly turned down or tolerated! Must make them feel like shit to be asking for sex all the time. And its not nice for the wife to know that she isn't really the sort of sex kitten that her husband would like her to be.

So the way round that (for us) is sex every 3rd day. We also do other stuff, but I never have to fake anything. I genuinely desire him, but could do without PIV.

There is no way you can say that OPs wife and I would be better off alone/with another man based only on the mismatched sex drives.

I can't speak for your situation.

Re OP's wife, OP is not the man for her.

OP- you are simplifying things too much. Look behind the behaviour. Why are you so needy and controlling?

Strokey: Thank you so much. You absolutely get it

I feel I've been made out to be an abuser/bully/miscreant. I've not behaved well, but I don't think I deserve the abuse that I have got. It doesn't really matter, and it shouldn't bother me what other people think, but when it comes to people thinking I willfully abuse my wife......I sort of feel I have to defend myself (and by extension her).

I haven't said you are abusive. You have chose to ignore the salient points I have made. Interesting.

maybe you should go separately for counseling?
I didn't mean to go separate ways and split
sorry for the shortcut

she would learn about herself and her motivations and may will came back different ideas of how roles in your relationship may be in the future

I honestly have no idea. The needy thing is fairly recent - I think she preferred it when I bottled feeling up. I didn't really realise I was being controlling.

Helltotheno: You have drawn your own conclusions on the man that I am (not all of it based on fact I have to say). But even from what I've said about my wife on here, you couldn't claim to know her. Therefore you can't say that I'm not the man for her.

My wife was talking last week about us having more children. I was less keen, but only becasue I percieved there to be an issue with sex. My wife has made it quite clear that she sees our future together. I jepoardised that because I felt she didn't want me.

I wasn't referring to you. Others have said I'm abusive (which I sort of agree if you take a pretty loose difnition of the term)

Separate counselling is a good idea. I'm going anyway (I have to) I'll encourage her to do it if she wants.

being honest with each other after years of pretending will be tough
and I mean - honest about everything, our basic needs are buried under daily routines and chores - but they are there & they won't go away