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Original poster

DH slept in same bed as another woman - would you be annoyed?

658 replies

onesiebore · 17/08/2013 11:07

DH was away with work this week for a night and since he's been home he's been a bit odd - a little jumpy and quieter than normal. I asked if something was wrong and he said there was something that he felt I should know but he didn't think I'd be very happy about it although he hadn't done anything.

He'd already told me that his colleague Beth had had to leave early as her Dad had died suddenly while they were away and last night he said that he'd ended up staying in her room to make sure she was ok. Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive), he went to check on her and she'd asked him to stay. He swears nothing happened other than giving her a hug and sleeping next to her.

I believe him that nothing else happened but still feel uneasy about it

OP posts:
MikeOxard · 17/08/2013 12:26

Didn't want her to wake up alone?! That is the weirdest thing I've ever heard. I told dh that and he made this face Confused swiftly followed by this one Hmm.

At what point did he get under the covers? What was the conversation around that? It doesn't 'just happen', that's a very, very intimate thing to do. He could have slept on the floor or chair and still been there in the morning. Why on earth did he think she would want to wake up to his sweaty body wrapped around her?!

scallopsrgreat · 17/08/2013 12:31

Even if he didn't sleep with her, he's left himself wide open to her potentially accusing him of rape. What a load of bollocks, unless of course he did rape her. Nice perpetuation of rape myths there NatashaBee.

edam · 17/08/2013 12:31

I'm not a terribly suspicious, untrusting type. dh has a few female friends that he spends time with, fine by me. I work on the basis that if someone wants to have an affair, they will, and no amount of control by their partner will stop them.

But... this sounds highly dodgy. I wouldn't want to wake up to a male friend in my room, even if I was very upset and had had too much to drink to get home. (I've been bereaved, although not a parent, and still don't think I'd want a friend sharing my bed.)

You are at your most vulnerable when you are asleep - I'm not suggesting men automatically take advantage, just that you can only relax that deeply next to someone you really trust and feel very close to. (Apart from one-night stands, I guess, been married so long I can barely remember...)

The fact he didn't come straight home and tell you immediately is worrying. I think it's highly likely more went on than he's admitting.

gillywillywoo · 17/08/2013 12:32

Yeah I was ignoring the rape post. That wouldn't ever even cross my mind! Weird thing to say!

gillywillywoo · 17/08/2013 12:35

Although anythings possible!

Floggingmolly · 17/08/2013 12:35

Did he explain what made him go to her room later, after she'd already gone to bed? Confused. It's the least believable part of the story, really. You could kind of understand him getting caught up in the emotion and not feeling he could walk away if he'd been with her when she got the news though not actually climbing into her bed, but following her to her room unasked is so premeditated and planned Hmm

Hellonewworld · 17/08/2013 12:38

I would believe him and let it go. If there is anymore dodgy behaviour or suspicions then yes probe further but at the moment I would give him the benefit of the doubt. I would be proud that he was a kind and compassionate human being, I may feel a little hurt and bothered inside but I would just put that down to natural jealousy that it was my DH. I expect he panicked and didn't think, it wouldn't be something I would consider leaving him for and breaking up a happy home for one error of judgement unless it happened again.

noddyholder · 17/08/2013 12:39

My dp is this sort of man All my friends can really talk to him and adore him and I trust him implicitly. BUT I think if he had been in this scenario he would probably have called me for advice esp if teh other person was distraught and I would have said Stay with her but would assume he would be onfloor/chair The OP scenario is over intimate.And with alcohol and highly charged emotional situation it would be quite easy to cross the line. I think you need to ask him outright and then if he assures you move on but let him know its perhaps a step too far for you

ENormaSnob · 17/08/2013 12:39

Id be beyond livid.

Completely inappropriate.

Fairenuff · 17/08/2013 12:40

It would be reasonable to tell him that as he has crossed a line, you are no longer comfortable with their friendship so he should stop all contact with her, except when necessary and see how it goes from there.

tribpot · 17/08/2013 12:41

I can sort of imagine doing this with a male friend/colleague (I've worked with many of my colleagues for many years) but I would stay dressed and no way would I get under the covers. On the floor would be my preference - I'd want to give them physical space as much as anything else.

And then the very first thing I would do is tell my DH. He would never find out if I didn't but I wouldn't even consider not telling him. If he wanted to meet whichever friend it was to look him in the eye, I would make that happen. I'd expect said friend to apologise (even though I'm not sure what for - as it would have been my decision to stay), handshake and explanation about extremis of grief, etc. Equally DH would want to offer his condolences as well, and then I'd expect it to be all square.

fifi669 · 17/08/2013 12:43

I think the reason OP is upset is the intimacy rather than any suggestion of a sexual act.

If a friend of mine got this sort of news away from home and DP was around, i'd be grateful if he acted in OP's DH's way. For her sake. Still would have a yucky feeling though. Even though I know nothing would of happened. I think that's reasonable to feel a bit off, try not to let it build to something bigger than it is.

You've said you believe nothing happened, you know your DH. We're just randoms on the Internet. Justified feeling uneasy though. Possibly just a... I believe you but I hope you can appreciate how uncomfortable I feel on that situation, maybe in a similar situation you should of done x,y and z.

mirai · 17/08/2013 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZingWantsCake · 17/08/2013 12:47

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Viviennemary · 17/08/2013 12:49

I wouldn't believe this I'm afraid. I'd rather in a way he came out with the truth than this story. It was over the line of acceptance. As bad as being unfaithful. Worse in a strange sort of way.

bestsonever · 17/08/2013 13:01

It's the odd behaviour against the telling you about sharing a bed with her and claiming nothing happened. If nothing happened there would be nothing to gain from telling you apart from a whole lot of angst, which is what you have.
TBH, if I'd done as he had and really nothing untoward went on, I would not feel a need to mention that part and would certainly not be acting odd as I would not be feeling any guilt. There's the rub, why does he feel guilty if nothing happened? The answer is he wouldn't. It could be anything from kissing to the full monty. It's going to be hard to find out how far it went. My guess is something happened, he's disappointed in himself and knows it was a mistake that he probably does not intend to repeat as he's told you some of it.
The thing is can you live with knowing that a one-off thing happened? Some can get passed it, some can't. If he's a basically nice man who is shocked at himself you may find he spills more by asking and once you know more you can work out what you both want to do to move on from it.

Original poster
onesiebore · 17/08/2013 13:04

I don't know how I could find out for sure but I don't think he'd make up something like that.

I asked why he would go to her room instead of just calling her and he said that he'd tried but she didn't answer her phone and that she'd only gone a little ahead of them so he didn't think she would be asleep yet.

OP posts:
scarletforya · 17/08/2013 13:04

That's the oldest cover story in the book, we just shared a bed but nothing happened.

They had sex. He only told you because he's worried someone else might tell you first
Don't be gullible OP.

nkf · 17/08/2013 13:07

Oddly enough, I think it could be true. I also think there is probably already something of a connection between them for the situation to have come about.

gillywillywoo · 17/08/2013 13:10

OP if I was out in your DH's position with a male colleague and felt i had to stay with him i would ring my husband and say "listen... X is in a bad way.. He just found out his dad has died.. He's absolutely distraught.. I'm going to stay with him tonight. Promise you nothing fishy is going on.. I'm just genuinely concerned about him. Is that OK with you?"

If the answer was no I wouldn't do it.

If the answer was yes I would stay with the colleague but not the same bed.

did you DH call or text you?

Original poster
onesiebore · 17/08/2013 13:12

No he didn't call at that time but he said it was late. I'd spoken to him earlier in the evening before he had gone to dinner

OP posts:
gillywillywoo · 17/08/2013 13:17

Hmmm.... Don't you think that's weird though?

Everyone's different, I know, that if it was me it wouldn't matter how late it was.. I'd call my DH to tell him! Or at least send a text.

How late was it anyway? I thought she left early because of the news about her dad.. But then he said that she didn't leave long before he set off as he knew she wouldn't be asleep yet!

Quiltcover · 17/08/2013 13:17

How old is Beth in comparison to your dh? Is she your dh type?

gillywillywoo · 17/08/2013 13:18

Fuck... I've gone all miss marple on you. Sorry.

Honestly.. I don't know whether I'd believe him or not. Tricky.

noddyholder · 17/08/2013 13:19

gilly thats what I thought.