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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH slept in same bed as another woman - would you be annoyed?

658 replies

onesiebore · 17/08/2013 11:07

DH was away with work this week for a night and since he's been home he's been a bit odd - a little jumpy and quieter than normal. I asked if something was wrong and he said there was something that he felt I should know but he didn't think I'd be very happy about it although he hadn't done anything.

He'd already told me that his colleague Beth had had to leave early as her Dad had died suddenly while they were away and last night he said that he'd ended up staying in her room to make sure she was ok. Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive), he went to check on her and she'd asked him to stay. He swears nothing happened other than giving her a hug and sleeping next to her.

I believe him that nothing else happened but still feel uneasy about it

OP posts:
OrmirianResurgam · 20/08/2013 11:52

"The point you and Curlew are completely overlooking/dismissing/minimising is that is exactly what we cynics felt and experienced until 'given cause not to'."

This ^^

whycantimoveon · 20/08/2013 11:54

I love how so many have come on and said how their own husbands would have reacted!

Not at all helpful for the OP.

OP you know your husband.

filee777 · 20/08/2013 12:01

well you will never burst my bubble, I think you should be taking a long hard look inside yourself to find out why you want to.

As I said, even if it is a bubble that will be popped, i would rather live in the knowledge that my husband is true, that allow someone external to make me feel differently.

I dont think this situation (as the OP wrote it) gives cause for the amount of concern that some of you show, yes he may well have got too close to the lady concerned, that it something that can be discussed and worked upon, it is not a given that he slept with her, it is not even a given that he was under a quilt with her! The situations have been wildly exaggerated from every corner, from him falling asleep drunk on a bed, to him 'holding her all night' its absurd. If i were the OP i would want to know ever last detail, where she slept on the bed, where he did and i would want him to know how it had made me feel. I would not want to hear ridiculous Chinese whispers on an internet forum put up by slighted women who seem to want to jump to conclusions simply so they can stand back with arms folded and say 'i told you so' at any given opportunity.

Fairenuff · 20/08/2013 12:03

Lois What no pearls? Grin

Alwaysreadingonthetrain · 20/08/2013 12:05

He says he can't stop the close friendship with Beth, as she'd find it odd. Why can't he tell her that he's told his wife about them sharing a bed, and also she's seen some of their many emails and is concerned about their relationship. Understandably, she has asked him to keep a distance from Beth.

She wouldn't then find it odd that they didn't continue having lunches together, and wouldn't expect the same level of closeness. I would be very worried if he didn't agree to tell her this.

TheDoctrineOfJetlag · 20/08/2013 12:07

I think he is saying that he doesn't think it's fair to treat Beth differently from other colleagues in terms of sometimes having one on one lunches. Not that he can't stop "the close friendship" which I don't think is how he sees it.

Coconutty · 20/08/2013 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 20/08/2013 12:15

Always I think that's the most sensible thing I've read on this thread.

All the speculation is actually missing the point. No matter what happened, OP has recognised that a line has been crossed. She has spoken to him about her expectations from now on.

How he reacts to that will tell her a bit more about his friendship with this colleague.

I expect OP will be keeping a very close eye on things from now on. She seems pretty switched on.

somersethouse · 20/08/2013 12:16

Whether he was married or not is actually also irrelevant in a way - even if he was single, he should not have got into bed with a collegue IMHO. Especially not one who he sounds 'senior' to.

It was a big mistake.

Factor in the marriage and of course it is even more inappropriate.
Again, I don't think they had sex, but the above is already enough, surely?

Wellwobbly · 20/08/2013 12:23

Fil I so don't want to burst your bubble. I don't want to be bitter and twisted, there is a lot of sorrow and grief in what I say.

I pray your husband stays the lovely, sweet man he sounds like: loyal, part of a team and prepared to come to YOU to talk about problems. He sounds gorgeous you lucky thing.

And, can you clone him whilst you are about it! 100 copies would help spread some love and maturity around, thanks!

FrancescaBell · 20/08/2013 12:29

Just because some people wouldn't dream of having sex just after hearing of a parent's death, doesn't mean that everyone is the same.

In fact, it is a remarkably common (but undiscussed taboo) for people to have sex immediately after the shock of hearing a death message. If you doubt me, ask a bereavement counsellor. Two people of my acquaintance had ill-advised sex with people they shouldn't have, in very similar circumstances to the 'Beth' in this thread. In one case, the woman was very vulnerable and the man was a predatory sort who took the sympathetic cuddle too far. This woman told me she was horrified afterwards (he was married) and disgusted with herself that she'd felt such a primal urge to have sex at that time. A bereavement counsellor told her that this was in fact familiar behaviour in bereaved, shocked people. Something about needing to do something that reinforced feelings of being alive and kicking and feeling something through the numbness and shock.

Not everyone reacts the same to news of a death.

filee777 · 20/08/2013 12:52

well big net hugs to you, sorry if I've salted any wounds and I wish you the very best for the future (including beautiful men with big cocks)

Chibbs · 20/08/2013 13:12

daft but not a cheater

Wellwobbly · 20/08/2013 17:34

Ooh yes please Fil! That would be wonderful and a most kind wish...

Could you wish for one in about 2 years time when I have got over everything

filee777 · 20/08/2013 18:36

Two year rain check accepted, until then may you have an ocean of balls to crush!

YoniSingWhenYoureWinning · 20/08/2013 19:10

EVEN if nothing 'happened', you can bet your arse the entire company now know that the OP's husband spent the night in bed with another woman. Won't the Christmas do be fun for the OP this year.

Chloe1989 · 20/08/2013 19:17

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, then see if their behavior around each other has changed at all. If they seem different, bring it up. Sounds like he was stuck in an awkward situation (her being a good friend to you both) and didn't know what to do.

AnyFucker · 20/08/2013 19:39

she isn't a good friend to them both, chloe

Op has met this woman once, IIRC

Yoni for that reason alone, I would be furious and no way putting it down to a bit of comfort for an upset colleague. I am quite capable of making a fool out of myself , I don't need an emotionally incontinent husband to do it for me

Solaia · 20/08/2013 19:57

CinnabarRed posted a while ago in this thread but I am definitely in her camp, I would be proud of my husband if he had done this. He is sensitive and cares deeply for people in need; male, female, friends, strangers, colleagues. If he thought staying in the room with her was the right thing to do I would trust his judgement of the situation.

Thisisaeuphemism · 20/08/2013 20:34

Proud that her husband goes out for lunch regularily with Beth and neglects to mention it to her?
Proud that it took him - what three four days to admit what happened?
Proud that he hasn't the wit to realize that what he did was not only stupidly unprofessional but horribly disrespectful to his wife?
Nah, I wouldn't be proud.

delilah89 · 20/08/2013 20:59

I would be really jealous and annoyed however: I think there's a possibility he got talked into it and for one night was a tourist in a boundary-less, slippery-slope world. He didn't like it, it frightened him, he's told you.

A lot of people live very lonely lives, looking for the next halfway grey-area encounter. She might be like that (otherwise surely she's have called her own DP, brother, female friend). I reckon she must really quite love your DH to want him there -- last thing I'd want some bloke from work around when receiving sad news. It seems he might have been sucked in witlessly and now sees it for what it was.

WhoreOfTheWorlds · 20/08/2013 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzywuzzy · 20/08/2013 21:51

Proud that your husband spent a night in bed with another woman?

CaractacusPotts · 20/08/2013 22:40

However, the OP didn't want opinions on whether she thought her DH had done the dirty, she stated that she believed he hasn't!! She wanted opinions as to whether she should be mad with him / if he'd crossed a line!!

This thread is metal!! All those telling her he's definitely shagged Beth and to leave him - really? Did your crystal balls tell you that?! That's a real life person that your suspicious minds may be influencing!

FWIW both me and my DH think he's one of life's good guys and inappropriate or not, with a watchful eye going forward it's certainly something we'd get over, I hope you can too OP. Be proud of your caring but a little daft DH :-)

Viviennemary · 20/08/2013 22:51

I asked my DH what he thought. He said why didn't he just stay for an hour and then go. He didn't did he. He stayed the night in the same bed. The OP believes nothing happened. That's up to her. She obviously wanted reassurance that everything would be fine. Well if I was in her shoes I'd certainly think everything absolutely wasn't fine and wouldn't be fine. One of life's good guys. Right. Getting into bed with a colleague. Hmm Glad I'm not married to one of life's good guys.

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