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Original poster

DH slept in same bed as another woman - would you be annoyed?

658 replies

onesiebore · 17/08/2013 11:07

DH was away with work this week for a night and since he's been home he's been a bit odd - a little jumpy and quieter than normal. I asked if something was wrong and he said there was something that he felt I should know but he didn't think I'd be very happy about it although he hadn't done anything.

He'd already told me that his colleague Beth had had to leave early as her Dad had died suddenly while they were away and last night he said that he'd ended up staying in her room to make sure she was ok. Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive), he went to check on her and she'd asked him to stay. He swears nothing happened other than giving her a hug and sleeping next to her.

I believe him that nothing else happened but still feel uneasy about it

OP posts:
lemonstartree · 17/08/2013 11:27

not acceptable. And he probably shagged her.

Fairenuff · 17/08/2013 11:27

Because he told you straight away, as soon as you asked and didn't lie about it, there is a good chance that he is telling the truth.

Obviously, I wouldn't be happy about it but if you have no other reason to suspect him you could maybe talk this through with him some more until you are satisfied that he was just being supportive, albeit in an inappropriate way.

Does he hide his phone, keep emails and messages hidden or password protected from you? Does he do anything other than this that makes you think there might be more to it?

fishandlilacs · 17/08/2013 11:28

this is classic behaviour is it not? The first thing is to not tell the whole truth, the urge to tell so guilt is assuaged somewhat but not brave enough to tell the hurtful truth.

The thing is you have a choice now, you either try and find out if anything else happened and deal with it or you choose to believe him and live with the knowledge that you will never truly now.

Years ago my DH "almost" slept with someone else, it was a planned event but he weirdly came home at 3am when i'd expected that he was away all night supposedly on a work xmas do. It took me another year to find out the truth that he had actually planned to spend the night with this other woman but chickened out in the end.

I'll never truly know what went on that night but I know my DH, he's a shy guy with high moral values, but he's also subject to flattery and temptation like we all are, it would be very like him to get too deeply involved too quickly then come to the act, he just simply wasn't be brave enough and realised what he would lose if he had.

I have had to live with this for our entire marriage, this happened 3 years into our relationship, we have been together 16 years now marriage and 2 beautiful DC's later were very very happy and I barely think of that time anymore, I trust him. But I had to make the choice to forgive and forget because I believe what we had was worth fighting for.

Coconutty · 17/08/2013 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bowlersarm · 17/08/2013 11:31

fishandlilacs just out of interest, do you wish he had never told you?

gillywillywoo · 17/08/2013 11:32

I get that curlew... I can see an instance where my DH MIGHT do the same thing.

He must have called or text her first though? It's a bit odd to just go knocking on someone's hotel room door when they've gone to bed isn't it?

I dunno.. Maybe not.

However if I had just found out my dad had died and was in a hotel room crying, I wouldn't want a colleague of mine knocking on the door! And if they did, I would tell them I need to be alone and to please leave.

I certainly wouldn't need one of them to stay with me for the night. I'd want to just lie in bed and cry and get through the night and leave first thing in the morning!

Everyone's different I suppose.

How far away was the hotel from her home/family? If I received that news and couldn't drive I would be in a taxi straight away.. No matter how much money!

fifi669 · 17/08/2013 11:32

I'd be very uncomfortable with the idea of DP sharing a bed with a female friend. When he says he hugged her, they fell asleep, is that as in she laid in his arms all night?spooning? Or gave her a hug, chatted for a bit, separated, passed out?

He could be acting strange as other people on the work trip assumed wrongly they'd been up to no good. He could of course actually been up to no good!

You know your DH, what does your gut say?

MarianaTrench · 17/08/2013 11:32

Would somebody really be up for a shag with someone else's husband if they had just heard their father had died?!

Original poster
onesiebore · 17/08/2013 11:33

Our relationship is generally good and I've never had any reason not to trust him.

He says that thinking about it now he knows he shouldn't have stayed in the bed but he says that they're friends and that he couldn't leave her so upset, that he's not interested in cheating and even if he was, he wouldn't have tried it on with someone in that situation (not sure that comment was that reassuring though if he'd actually thought about it?)

Apparently there were 5 of them, 4 men and her so no female to go to her

OP posts:
ChristineDaae · 17/08/2013 11:33

I'm going to go against the grain here. Is your DP friends with Beth or are they 'just' colleagues? Coz if they are friends anyway it really wouldn't bother me at all...

GetStuffezd · 17/08/2013 11:34

Out of interest, OP, do you know Beth?

gintastic · 17/08/2013 11:34

I would be furious. I doubt I would believe that nothing happened either. I would never ever share a bed with another man and I don't think it would even cross DH's mind to do this. If she was actually a risk to herself, I would expect him to get medical advice.

Merylz · 17/08/2013 11:34

There HAS to already be some level of intimacy there for a man to believe he is even halfway equipped to console a woman whose father has just died! I mean a lot of men couldn't console their wives properly after the fil they've known for 20 years dies.

and two, I think, again, there has to already be intimacy there for him to GO to a colleague's bedroom when they're away!! I'd be revolted to open a hotel bedroom door and see a colleague there, trying to come in Confused

so sorry but I agree with the poster who said he's doing the admit to A, to avoid being caught out by B & C

binger · 17/08/2013 11:35

I would believe my husband in this situation as I know I can trust him. However, I don't think he would put himself in that position in the first place.

In fact I've just asked him and he said he might have sat up with them or tried to sort out a way for them to get home but no way would he have slept in the same bed as them.

cozietoesie · 17/08/2013 11:35

Quite possibly MarianaTrench. Death can make people do things they wouldn't normally do - sort of a life affirmation thing. Not that I'm saying that that happened.

AmandaHoldenmigroin · 17/08/2013 11:36

WHy would sleeping in the same bed make her feel better? so he was holding her all night then?

gillywillywoo · 17/08/2013 11:37

After all I've said, I reckon he probably is telling the truth.

However.. I'd still be pissed off.

He's a married man. He shouldn't be sharing a bed with a female and telling you about it afterwards. No matter what the situation is.

Did he call you or text you that night at all OP?

When my DH is away with work he always calls me to say he's in his bed in the hotel room and going to sleep now.. Nanight.. Speak to you in the morning.. Love you.. Etc.
ALWAYS.

Fairenuff · 17/08/2013 11:37

Even if he had slept in a chair or on the floor, as some posters have suggested, it would make no difference to the 'is he telling the truth' point of this thread.

Either you trust him and believe him and move on, or you listen to your gut if your instincts are telling you otherwise. Only you will be able to tell the difference here OP.

MikeOxard · 17/08/2013 11:39

I'd be fucking livid, and would suspect shagging as well. There's no reason he needed to sleep next to her even if the rest of it wasn't a problem. (I think it's a bit odd he even went to see her in her room after she went to bed tbh). If he for some reason decided he needed to watch over her the whole night, he could've slept on the floor. At what point did he decide to get in bed with her? Why would you do that?

Dh and I smell bullshit. What a knob. x

jellybeanlover · 17/08/2013 11:39

onesiebore curlew is most likely right here imo, because he is a nice guy, is that your opinion?

MortifiedAdams · 17/08/2013 11:40

Usually Hotels have a bar or lounge area for guests - sitting up.talking about this would be one thing - to go to her bedroom, after she had already gone to bed to comfort her? Odd. Very odd.

NachoAddict · 17/08/2013 11:41

Assuming the part about her father dying is true then I doubt there would have been any funny business going on. I don't think I would be happy about it but I could get over it.

Did you have any worries before this?

AcidNails · 17/08/2013 11:44

I'd have no issue with my DH sleeping in a bed with another woman per se, but holding another woman all night is a different story really - quite intimate. I'm the least suspicious person in the world, but there's something that doesn't ring true in that your DH's told you and in the way he's behaved afterwards, sorry!

OrangeLily · 17/08/2013 11:46

I wouldn't be bothered by this. If DH slept beside her, even if he held her hand to help her sleep I wouldn't be bothered. If he slept with her in his arms I would be bothered. However, I think I would also listen to my instincts here. Do you feel uneasy about her?

hellymelly · 17/08/2013 11:47

My DH has really close female friends, from his school days, and I can't quite imagine one of them being all that comfortable being in a bed with him . I can imagine him staying in their room and sleeping on the floor, or possibly, just possibly lying on the bed if it was a very big bed, but it would still be pretty unlikely, and they are really good friends with no sexual undertow at all. I would be really concerned if DH did this for a colleague and I agree that perhaps he did have a fling and is trying to minimise it. Support, listening, maybe even sitting in the chair, yes. In bed? No. I wouldn't have a colleague sleep in bed with me in those circs. I see that as they'd been drinking she couldn't ask your DH to drive her home, but was there really no one who could have come to get her?
Do you know her OP? Could you call her and ask her about it?