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Original poster

DH slept in same bed as another woman - would you be annoyed?

658 replies

onesiebore · 17/08/2013 11:07

DH was away with work this week for a night and since he's been home he's been a bit odd - a little jumpy and quieter than normal. I asked if something was wrong and he said there was something that he felt I should know but he didn't think I'd be very happy about it although he hadn't done anything.

He'd already told me that his colleague Beth had had to leave early as her Dad had died suddenly while they were away and last night he said that he'd ended up staying in her room to make sure she was ok. Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive), he went to check on her and she'd asked him to stay. He swears nothing happened other than giving her a hug and sleeping next to her.

I believe him that nothing else happened but still feel uneasy about it

OP posts:
Quiltcover · 17/08/2013 13:20

They sound very close for her to ask that of a male colleague. I appreciate she may have been upset, but really you would think she'd want some space. This is not something you would ask off anyone.
I suspect they cuddled up at least in bed. What did she wear, your dh wear?

Quiltcover · 17/08/2013 13:21

And yes I'd be furious. And very upset and hurt.

Pegglebot · 17/08/2013 13:22

OP I'd be tempted to sneak a look at his phone or Facebook if it were me. Could you take at look at her facebook if she has it/if you know her surname? It may give you an idea if the story of her father dying is true...

CreatureRetorts · 17/08/2013 13:22

Is he still jumpy now that he's told you.

hellymelly · 17/08/2013 13:26

My DH is a really kind person, in those circs he wuld want to help, but as previous poster said of her DH, mine would be calling me to ask advice. Esp as he would be upset by it and want to talk over what best to do.
The most incriminating thing is that your DH has been jumpy for days, if he knew it wasn't a good thing to do, then he would have also known that at the time and not done it. If he felt it was fine, then he wouldn't be behaving strangely when he returned. Look to me as though something else has happened between them, or that he was seen going in/coming out by another collleague and so has to tell you. I really trust my DH, but in this situation alarm bells would be ringing. Not at him trying to comfort a female, but at the behaviour around it.

hellymelly · 17/08/2013 13:27

Sorry for typos, dodgy new keyboard that is deleting as I type and shifting text about.

Arisbottle · 17/08/2013 13:27

This would not bother me, I would be pleased that DH offered her comfort.

His strange reaction on getting home would bother me, but maybe his is acting strangely because he knows that you will not be pleased.

morethanpotatoprints · 17/08/2013 13:28

I would be absolutely furious, there is no excuse at all.
Firstly, he could have slept in a chair and also when your dad has died suddenly like that you know you are not likely to sleep as everything is going through your mind, I know as I have been there.
It isn't like this woman is a family friend, just a work colleague.
You are right to be annoyed and if it was me I'd be digging much deeper.
I hope he is telling you everything, and you can get over this.

Merylz · 17/08/2013 13:31

Hellymelly, I'm a really kind person too but I've never spent all night in a man's bed, just to be kind. That's not kindness anyway. That's a failure to understand boundaries and appropriate behaviour, and thinking you can fix something that you're not in a position to fix.

nkf · 17/08/2013 13:31

You might be jumpy because he knows he's done something wrong ie spend the night in another woman's bed. Let's assume his story is true. He crossed a line and his wife has every reason to be upset and alarmed. Once lines are crossed, it can be difficult to go back. And it's possible that he already felt connected to her before that night. And she may well have done to him. Grief and tears and alcohol can easily trigger sudden intimacy particularly when you are away from home.

What you really want to know is did sexual intercourse take place? I can imagine that it's possible that it didn't. But I don't believe that they could have shared a bed and not wondered about whether it might happen. If it wasn't on their mind before, it will be now.

Or, he's telling you the first part of the story as a warm up to the full confession.

Very very difficult situation. I think you can either wait and watch or push for more answers.

perplexedpirate · 17/08/2013 13:32

If what he said is true, this is at the least very inappropriate.
Unfortunately, OP, I'd bet my house that more happened than he's telling you.
Sorry Sad.

nkf · 17/08/2013 13:32

Sorry, he might be jumpy.

Arisbottle · 17/08/2013 13:33

It is not something I would ask a man to do but if a grieving woman asking my DH to support her in the night I would be pleased if he did so. We have a strong marriage and therefore I know he is capable of being in bed with another woman and having no sexual or romantic feelings. If I was not so secure in my marriage I might worry.

OctopusPete8 · 17/08/2013 13:35

No thats not acceptable I'd be walking, I wouldn't be happy with her either.

everlong · 17/08/2013 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 17/08/2013 13:42

OK I have an idea.

Tell him that you are not convinced that he is being totally honest with you. Look him in the eye and say nothing else. Let him talk, don't say anything, leave long silences and keep watching him.

If he keeps talking to fill the gap he might give something else away. His body language might too. Then, when that's all done, say to him "I'm still not convinced, will you agree to a lie detector test?"

Now we all know that that's not going to be possible but he doesn't know that we know that. Don't get into a discussion about the merits of lie detecting, just pin him down to a yes or no.

If he says yes, tell him you will arrange it and let him stew. If he says no then you can wonder what he is trying to hide.

HaroldLloyd · 17/08/2013 13:42

I find it a bizarre way to comfort a grieving adult colleague it all smells a bit whiffy to me.

Original poster
onesiebore · 17/08/2013 13:46

He's not so jumpy now as think he is relieved he's told me but now he's getting a bit defensive as I've been asking more questions.

Apparently she didn't leave early in the evening just earlier than them. They'd finished dinner and were having drinks, she got this call and then hurried off and not long after the rest of them had left. I asked if any of the others had thought to speak to her and he said they hadn't been sure what to do but they'd all left it to him as they said he was closer to her and he'd said he would call her.

He said he gave her a hug and slept next to her but they didn't get undressed.

He's now shown text messages to prove he hadn't made it up - he text her the morning she left asking if she was ok and whether she'd got to her family, she said she had and she was sorry for 'being such a mess last night' he then text again to say not to worry and not to worry about the work thing. She hasn't replied since.

She's single and younger than him.

OP posts:
Quiltcover · 17/08/2013 13:48

Was he drunk ?

Empress77 · 17/08/2013 13:49

Id be furious. The' didnt want her to wake up alone' is the weirdest -surely when she fell asleep and he had the dilemma of 'oh no this is weird, what would my dw say? oh but i cant let poor beth wake up alone....what shall i do?,' letting beth wake up alone would have been the least bad option?

Surely he could have left a note, or if it would have been so bad for her to be alone...if he was worried she would be suicidal for instance....he could have slept on the floor/on a chair - all hotel rooms have chairs dont they?

No way did he need to get in the bed -under the covers would not be necessary.

Im sure is her Dad died there wouldnt be sex involved, but they sound way too close to me I would not be happy.

TheCrackFox · 17/08/2013 13:49

Something about this makes me really uncomfortable.

Would he have shared a bed with a recently bereaved male colleague?

Quiltcover · 17/08/2013 13:51

How much younger? I think it's relevant.

Attractive? Flirty?

How do you perceive her?

If she was not single, she wouldn't have allowed your dh to stay. Her dh would have been furious.

Your dh has been very very sily.

morethanpotatoprints · 17/08/2013 13:51

Arisbottle

Secure marriages only exist in our imaginings.
There are so many people on these threads who thought their marriages were strong.
But, we all like to think it won't happen to us, but it does. Marriage is something you should never be complacent about, that's when you leave yourself open to trouble. says the old bird, here Grin

Floggingmolly · 17/08/2013 13:56

Too late to call you, but not too late to follow her to her room? Hmm

Arisbottle · 17/08/2013 13:58

I would not like to live in a marriage feeling insecure. Of course I don't know what tomorrow hold, but having known my husband for about 25 years I think it is OK to feel secure. I could not live doubting him every day.